Rush (18 page)

“Holy fuck, Chase. You kicked ass out there today. What the hell have you been doing this summer?”

I shrug, before falling down to the locker room bench. It’s my first day back. I have to admit it felt good as hell to be out there. To run hard, and show the guys I’m still the player I used to be. That I can be better.

I fought like hell to be back out here and I’m doing it.

Fought like hell with Alec.

And as great as this is, it doesn’t feel as good as him.

“Training. I told you that.”

“I have to admit, bro.” Theo sits beside me. “We were worried. You looked like shit when we saw you. I thought you were going to puss out.”

I shove him. “Fuck you. Not going to let shit hold me back.”

Theo and the other guys around us laugh.

“What’s up with your friend? He coming out with us tonight?” Dev asks.

I rub a hand over my face. It’s crazy but it’s like I’m scared it’s going to show on my face. One look when we’re talking about Alec and they’ll know about us. “Nah, he didn’t come with me.” Then, just because I need to hear it, I add, “He’s still moving here though. He just had some shit to take care of.”

“There’s that new club in town. Wanna hit that up?” Theo asks. “Lexi’s friend was asking about you.”

At that I push to my feet. “Yes” is right there on my tongue. I’ve gone out with them a lot, pretending I’m looking for girls like them. Damned if it doesn’t feel old now though. I’m tired of that shit and . . . it doesn’t feel right. They might not know it’s Alec I’m with but I want to be as true to him as I can.

“Not interested. I’m with someone now. Met ’em back home.”

“Holy fucking shit. It’s about damn time Chase’s got a girl.” Theo laughs.

It’s not a girl. It’s Alec. I could never want anyone else the way I want him.

“She’s not here though, is she?” Donny adds and a couple of the other guys laugh, and they all bump knuckles.

“Nah, man. It’s serious.”

“She pregnant?” Theo teases.

“No dumb-ass. It’s for real though.” Grabbing a towel, I wipe the sweat from the back of my neck. “I’m talkin’ forever here.”

A burst of pride swells inside me. A year ago, hell two months ago I never would have said that. I would have played it off like I had plans or whatever excuse I could find. I’m done with that though. It’s time to be as real as I can when it comes to Alec. That’s the kind of guy I want to be. Brandon. The Brandon I am with him.

“Forty-three! Get your ass back here!” Coach yells from the office.

“I swear he’s fucking psychic.” Dev laughs. “Bet he’s going to remind you ball is more important than women.” Everyone laughs, that pride I just felt bursting.

Here, I’m forty-three, or Chase. Not Brandon. And I’m still lying to everyone about who Alec is.

I’m staying in my old apartment. Alec and I are supposed to move into the two-bedroom when he comes.

The guys on the team all tried to get me to go out with them again. I’ve gotten four texts calling me pussy whipped. I make myself ignore them.

It’s not like I couldn’t go. We do have a good time when we go out. They seem like assholes half the time but they’re my friends. My teammates.

I just don’t wanna be with them tonight.

I hit mute on the TV, watching ESPN with no sound. Flipping my cell phone over and over in my hand, I lean back on the small couch. Even though I’ve been working out all summer, my body is wrecked. It’s not the same training on your own and being on the field. It’s only nine and I’m already ready to pass out.

My finger hovers over the button before I finally push it to call Alec.

He answers on the second ring. “Hey.”

“Hey. What’s up?”

“Cooking some steak on the grill. You?”

I laugh. “You and that fucking barbecue.”

“Real men grill, Brand.” He chuckles, letting free some of the tension I didn’t realize had taken up residence in my muscles.

“I wish I was there. That sounds good. I was too tired to eat.”

His voice sobers when he asks, “Hard day? You’re okay?”

“I’m good. I mean, it was a hard practice but nothing I couldn’t handle. It felt great. Coach called for me afterward and I thought he was going to give me shit. He told me how good I did though. It kind of fell into place easier than I thought it would. We’re starting two-a-days next.” Two practices a day are hell.

Alec’s quiet for minute. “I’m not surprised. I’ve always told you, you could do anything.”

And he has. I also know he means more than football too. Instead of replying, I give him the only honesty I can. “I miss you.”

“Miss you too.”

“The guys wanted me to go out with them tonight. I told them I couldn’t . . . that I was with someone now.”

There’s a cluttering sound and then I hear Alec curse in the background. “Sorry. I dropped the phone.” I hear a smile in his voice when he asks, “You told them about me?”

The tension is right back only it’s multiplied now. My gut is heavy. “I mean . . . not
who
you are but I told them I’m with someone. That it’s serious and I wanna be with you forever.”

“Not me.”

“What?”

He sighs. “You didn’t tell them you want to be with me forever. You let them believe you’re with some girl you want to be with forever.”

I push up so I’m in a sitting position on the couch. “I’m trying here, Al. What do you want? You knew I wasn’t ready. You said it was okay. You’re the one who said you wanted to come here and that we’d make it work.”

The lid on his grill creaks. I’d meant to fix that before I left.

“I know . . . You’re right. I’m having a shitty day.”

My pulse runs as though it’s trying to outrun something. “What happened? Is it your dad? Did you talk to them?”

“No, not yet. I’m going to soon though. I don’t know why I’m being a prick.”

The rapid beat evens out slightly. “You’re not. You’re dealing with heavy stuff. I should be there.”

“You’re where you’re supposed to be. Listen, I’m burning my food. I better go, okay?”

Nausea burns through me.
No, tell him no.
It’s like there’s more than space between us, this wall that keeps building higher.

“I’m okay, Brand. It’s just a long day. I started packing up some stuff for the move today. It’s not you, okay?”

Alec has never lied to me. It’s not him. But this time he did. It’s me. If it wasn’t, he wouldn’t be getting off the phone with me.

Mom hasn’t called me once. That’s the thing that makes it hard for me to pick up the phone and call her. Dad is an asshole and, in some ways, I know he thinks of her as second best in his life. Still she’s a strong woman. She’s doesn’t let him run her life and he doesn’t try. Mom has always made her own decisions. And even though she’s never said anything against Dad’s bigotry, she never makes the kind of comments he does either. She doesn’t talk about fags and she never goes off about how they shouldn’t have the right to marry and stuff like that.

I’ve never really known how she feels because she never told anyone about it. Mom’s always been the type to just kind of mind her own business and be there for her family.

When Dad found out and said it would kill her that was one of the things that stabbed me the deepest. I’ve always had hope she’d accept me as gay because she is never vocal about that kind of thing. He knows her though. If he said it would kill her, I believe it will.

And she hasn’t called. There’s no doubt in my mind he told her and she hasn’t come to me.

That’s all the answer I really need. Still, I have to fucking know or I’m going to drive myself insane.

I’m sitting on a picnic table where I’d texted her to meet me. I look at my phone. I’m thirty minutes early and I don’t even know if she’s coming or not. Charlie asked her to meet me and all she told her is, “I’ll try.”

My cell rings and even though I don’t feel like talking, I pick it up.

“Hey you,” Charlie whispers.

My heart cuts off. “She’s not coming?”

“I don’t know. She left and asked me if I could watch the office. She didn’t tell me where she was going and I didn’t ask. I assume she’s going to meet you. I thought you could use someone to talk to while you wait.”

I laugh but it’s one that I have to force out. There’s no truth in it. “How’d you know I’d get here early?”

“You’ve been my best friend for my whole life, Alec. I know you.”

“You didn’t know I was gay.” I feel like a prick the seconds the words come out.

“Stop trying to fight with me. I’m too sad to participate. I wish you would’ve gone with Brandon. It might have helped to get away. You guys need each other right now.”

This is the main reason I haven’t talked to her much since everything happened. “He’s got shit going on, Charlie. He doesn’t have time to deal with this. He’s got practice half the day and he’s trying to prove he still belongs there. It would have been a bad idea for me to go.”

“That makes sense but he loves you. You’re more important than all of that and you love him too. You guys have been through so much that I just . . . I don’t want you to lose it. Not after everything.”

For something to do, I move my cell from one hand to another. “We won’t lose anything.” We can’t. We’ve fought for each other and suffered without each other. But right now . . . I’m suffering with him too—when I look at him or talk to him. Then I’m pissed because I love him so damn much. I shouldn’t be suffering when I know he wants to be there for me.

A noise catches my attention and I look over to see my mom walking toward me. She’s early too. That has to be a good thing.

“She’s here. I gotta go, Charlie.” After I stand, I shove my phone into my pocket. It’s ridiculous that I don’t know if I should walk toward my own mom or not—that I’m so nervous to see her.

“Hi.” I point toward the table. “Wanna sit?”

“Sure.” She smiles, that one movement pushing some of my fear away. Mom sits and then I sit down beside her.

“So . . . I’m guessing Dad told you.” I’m looking at my hands instead of her, which is ridiculous. Shoving them under the table, I turn, my eyes on her.

“Of course he did, Alec. I’m . . . shocked to say the least. I don’t understand, to be honest. How could we have never known? You never gave any indications that you could be . . .”

“Gay?” I finish for her.

“Yes. You know I don’t have any problem with the gays. They can live their life and I’ll live mine. But you’re my son, Alec. This is different. I don’t understand. We didn’t raise you like this. You’ve been living with that boy all summer and you’re suddenly gay?”

I shuffle my feet, trying not to walk away. Tighten my hands into fists because I’m not sure what else to do. If I focus on that, I don’t have to concentrate on how I feel.

“You don’t raise people to be gay or not, Mom, and Brand didn’t turn me that way either. I’ve . . . I’ve been in love with him in one way or another since I was fifteen.”

She doesn’t reply, only chews her bottom lip, which she does when she’s nervous.

“You said ‘but you’re my son.’ Doesn’t that mean it shouldn’t matter? That you’ll love me regardless?”

Her eyes flash with worry, or confusion. I can’t tell which. “Of course I’ll always love you. That’s never going to change.”

My lips start to stretch into a smile. My chest suddenly feeling lighter. But the way her eyes dart down, dart away from me tells me loving me doesn’t matter.

“It’s just going to take some getting used to, Alec. Your father and I just need to make sense of things. Are you going to be with Brandon? Your dad said you were going to move away with him. A lot of people won’t understand. I’m trying but I don’t either.”

“What’s there to understand? I’ve known I was gay since I was young. I tried to hide it because of Dad. I thought I could make it go away . . . but I can’t. And I don’t want to either. It’s who I am.”

“But if you pushed it aside for all these years . . . I know you used to care for Charlie.”

There’s my answer right there. She doesn’t understand, or she doesn’t want to. I told her it’s who I am and she wants me to hide it. I take a deep breath and stand.

“I thought I could pretend with Charlie. I don’t want to lie about who I am anymore. Why is it wrong to love someone?”

Mom pushes to her feet too. “It’s not. That’s not what I’m saying, Alec. Like I said . . . we just need some time. Maybe one day . . .”

Maybe one day . . .
That’s all I need to hear. Why should I have to wait? Wait for them to get used to me? To decide they love me whether or not I’m gay? That I’m okay or that there isn’t anything wrong with me?

“You let me know if that day ever comes, okay? In the meantime, I want you to know there’s nothing different about me. I’m the same as I’ve always been.”

When I turn and start to walk away, I listen, wondering if she’s going to ask me to stop. She doesn’t.

Charlie calls me twice on my way home but I ignore it both times. Rehashing what went down with Mom doesn’t sound fun. I just want to forget it all. For this to not be such a big deal.

As I sit in my truck in the parking lot, I think about calling Brand. I want to call him but I’m pretty sure he’s at practice. And for the first time since I’ve known him, I feel like he wouldn’t understand. My heart thumps betrayal at that. I’m betraying him by even thinking it, and I know that.

When I round the corner toward my apartment, I stumble a little when I see who’s standing there, leaning against my door.

“I’ve been waiting for you forever, man.” Logan crosses his arms. My first thought is to ask him to go. I don’t want to deal with anyone today.

“It didn’t go well, did it?” he asks.

“How did you know?”

“Been there, remember?” He picks up a bag at his feet. “I brought beer.”

“I’m with Brandon,” I say, not sure why I said it.

“I know. But he’s not here and you need a friend. We are that, right? I mean, we’ve been friends for months. That hasn’t changed all of a sudden, has it?”

Guilt rumbles through me. I’ve been feeling that a lot lately. Logan’s been a good friend to me and Brandon knows about him. It’s not a big deal to have him in.

I unlock the door and Logan goes in. He pulls out two beers and puts the rest in the fridge. I have half of mine gone before my ass hits the kitchen chair.

“How bad?” He sits across from me.

“Could’ve been worse. There was hoping I could fake it, blaming Brand and a
maybe
that she could come to terms with it one day.”

“Shit, man. I’m sorry.”

I shrug. “Like I said, it could have been worse. It’s just shitty to lose your family in one week.”

“Bastard,” Logan mumbles under this breath.

“What do you mean? Who are you talking about?” Though I’m pretty sure I know.

“He shouldn’t have left you. Not right now.”

I take another drink before setting the bottle down. The last thing I want to do is talk to Logan about Brandon. “He had to go. He didn’t have a choice. Plus, he tried to stay. I wouldn’t let him, and he wanted me to go.”

“Go watch him play straight with his football buddies? Sounds like exactly what you would want to do after your family turned their backs on you for being gay.”

I wince because how many times have I thought that the past few days? But then, I never told Brandon. If I did, he would have done whatever he could to make it better for me.
Except being real . . .

“I’m probably an asshole for saying this, Alec, but I’m going to do it anyway. Are you sure you can do this? Lose your family for some guy you have to stay in the closet for? You’re going to pretend he’s your roommate after everything you guys have been through?”

“It’s not just him. I put off coming out too. I didn’t even choose to do it when it happened.” The instinct is there to defend Brandon, like I know he would with me. Despite the truth in Logan’s words, I’m not going to let him put Brand down. I know he loves me and that it won’t be a secret forever.

“Yeah but you’re out with your family now. It doesn’t matter how it happened. You lost them because of it. Should it be for nothing?”

“It’s not nothing if I love him.”

Logan curses and stands. “Is that enough? If so, I don’t think you’d be here right now. You wouldn’t have to hide with me, Alec. Aren’t you tired of hiding?”

Logan doesn’t touch his beer. Doesn’t say another word. Only walks out of my apartment, slamming the door behind him.

No matter how much I try, I can’t evict one question from my mind:
Is that enough?