Rush (14 page)

My body has long sense recovered and I’m wishing like hell we could go again but instead I just hold on to him.

“Al?”

“Yeah.” He’s tracing my scar with his finger.

“I have to go to New York next week for a doctor’s appointment. It’s my last one before it’s time to go to Ohio. I want you to go with me.”

“Yeah. Of course. No problem. I think I can swing a plane ticket.”

I won’t insult him by telling him I’ll buy it for him. Whatever we have to do, we’ll figure out the money thing with him until we get to Ohio and he finds a job.

“The other day with Charlie and Nate here . . . When we didn’t have to hide? I know I can’t tell my team and we’re not coming out yet but . . . I think I want to tell my parents. I mean, I
do
. They know you. I go home a lot . . . I don’t wanna hide you there.”

My stomach bottoms out even thinking about it—about actually saying the words out loud to someone. It was hard enough with Nate but the thought of staying away from Alec in my parents’ home is worse.

He’s quiet. Worry bubbles up inside me that he won’t want me to tell.

“You used to tell me you were scared to tell them. That you already hated that they thought you weren’t smart and you didn’t want them to know anything else was wrong with you.”

I wince at that. “Did I really say that?”

“We were kids, Brand.”

That doesn’t matter.

“There’s nothing wrong with how I feel about you. Inside I know that.”

He lets out a deep breath and I wonder if he’d been holding it.

“What will they say?”

He’s thinking of his dad. I know it. “They’re not like he is.” This time it’s me who breathes out deeply. “But I don’t know. I think they’ll be okay but . . . how do I know? It’s not something any parent really wants to hear, is it?”

He shakes his head and again I wonder if he’s going to say he wants it a secret from everyone. If he does, I know it would be for me, because he’s worried about me. He planned on coming out himself, after all.

“Yeah . . . Let’s do it. We’ll do it together.”

We spend the next week making plans. Brandon calls his apartment complex in Ohio and asks about two-bedroom apartments. I give notice here even though I won’t be leaving until September. We’ll both go down for the beginning of camp but then I’ll head back here to get last minute things taken care of before moving with him for school.

We spent time online looking up the colleges that are close to him that I can go to, and filing out job applications online. I think both of us want to keep busy so we don’t have to really think about what we’re doing and how it’s crazy as hell.

But not doing it feels even crazier.

Brand keeps asking me what I’m going to tell my dad but I have no clue. It makes me feel like shit that I haven’t told Brandon there’s a little part of me that’s relieved I don’t have to come out to him yet. Who the hell knows how I’m going to explain to him why I’m moving to Ohio.

In between all of that he’s working out even harder, sprinting a million times a day to lower his time in the forty.

“What time’s your appointment tomorrow?” I ask him as we stand outside the airport waiting for his parents to pick us up.

“Eleven. We’ll have to leave early to get into the city on time. Maybe I should have just grabbed us a room here for the night.”

I look over at him, and he glances away. “It was your idea to tell them, not mine.”

“It’s not that.” His eyes meet mine. “Okay, it’s kind of that but it’s not that I don’t want to, Al. It’s just scary as fuck. I’m doing it though. I have to.”

I’m still amazed this is even happening and not sure what to think. We’ll still have to hide but he wants his parents to know. That’s huge for him. For us.

Before I can reply, a Mercedes pulls up to the curb in front of us. Brandon’s mom, Judy, lowers the window and waves, smiling widely. I hate that the first question to pop into my head is,
Will she hate me after this?
I’ve seen Brandon’s parents every summer since I was fifteen years old. They’ve always been cool to me and I know how much they love Charlie. They treat her like a daughter, but I’m her gay son’s boyfriend. That’s a different story. I’m the one who he’s scared could cause him to lose his career, or the one who could make people treat him like shit. It’s a lot to handle.

The trunk pops open. Brandon and I toss our stuff in before I open the back door. When I try to pull it closed behind me, I notice Brandon standing there like he plans to get into the back with me. I see the second he notices he’s doing it when he gets this deer-in-the-headlights look.

He doesn’t say anything, just lets go of the handle and then gets into the front.

“It’s so good to see you, honey!” She leans over and kisses his cheek. “Look at you. You look like my son again.” She beams at him, making me feel like shit for the urge to tell her she was always his kid. That she doesn’t know him at all. That guilt doubles when she reaches behind her and squeezes my knee. “It’s so nice of you to come home with Brandon. You boys have always been such good friends. It’s so sad that you live so far away.”

She pulls away as Brandon says, “Actually, Alec’s moving to Ohio . . .”

She pauses at that. “That’s a big move. What about school?”

I clear my throat. “I’m transferring. I’ve always wanted out of Virginia and since I’m just in community college, it’s easy for me to make the switch.”

Brandon cuts me off, “There’s nothing wrong with community college.”

I tighten my fists, wishing I could kick his ass. It pisses me off when he thinks he has to defend me, especially when it comes to his mom asking about school. Yeah, we’re planning on telling them, but how many times are we going to have to cover when we do stupid stuff like that in front of other people?

“Thanks,
Mom
.”

He looks up and catches my eye in the rearview mirror.

The rest of the ride to their house, Brandon and I are mostly quiet. Judy makes up for it with talk about Josh, Dad’s work, her excitement over helping Nate and Charlie with their new apartment and how she thinks he’ll probably ask her to marry him soon. “The good thing is they’re both such smart kids. They both realize how important education is and they have a good head on their shoulders. They’ll be smart enough not to do something now to jeopardize their future.”

I lower myself in the seat. Will she think of me as jeopardizing Brandon’s future?

As soon as we get to their house, Brandon and I take our things upstairs. I automatically head straight to the guest room and leave my bag there. I’m walking out when Brandon steps into the doorway. “It’ll be hard tonight . . . I’ll sneak in here though. They go to bed early so it shouldn’t be a big deal.”

But it is. We just got here and it’s already a big fucking deal. Silently I berate myself for freaking out but I can’t seem to stop it either.

“Maybe we shouldn’t,” I shrug. “Not till we tell them, at least. How bad would that suck if we got caught?”

He crosses his arms. “You didn’t worry about that before.”

Because I wasn’t your boyfriend then. We weren’t about to admit to them we’re gay and I wasn’t going to move into your apartment where we plan to lie to everyone, when one slip could easily screw everything up for you.

“It’s different now.”

Brandon flinches. “If you don’t want to do this, tell me, now.”

“Don’t put words into my mouth. That’s not what I said.” What am I saying? I don’t know why everything suddenly feels so screwed up.

“Brandon! Your dad’s home with Josh. Come down. They’re going to want to see you!” his mom calls up the stairs. Brandon shakes his head before turning his back to me and heading for the stairs. Trying to get used to faking it, I jog down behind him.

The night doesn’t get any better after that. Brandon and I hardly talk. His dad asks about training and football, how proud they are of him and how excited he must be to get back into the groove of things with his team.

They tell him they’re planning a trip to Ohio for one of his home games with a bunch of their friends. It’s a big deal—his senior year and going to the NFL draft. My mind wanders the whole time. This is what I wanted—us to be honest, at least with someone but now I can’t stop worrying what they’ll think or if they’ll be pissed that I could screw things up for Brand.

His dad reaches over the kitchen table where we’re talking and squeezes Brandon’s shoulder. “I have to admit, I didn’t see this coming. You were always so different than your brother when you were a kid. I want you to know you’ve done well, Brandon. We couldn’t be prouder of you.”

I’m the only one at this table who knows what those words mean to him. To know what he hears in them. That he was nothing before football. His dad didn’t see him doing anything with his life, and he has to make it work.

It takes everything inside me not to say something. Not to tell them how that makes him feel but then I see it, all smiles and love . . . they look at him differently than my dad looks at me. How can I hate them when they don’t know what they’re doing?

“I think I’m going to go to bed early. I haven’t felt real well since we landed.” I push to my feet.

“Oh no. You should have said something,” Judy says.

“It’s okay. I’m sure I’ll feel better after some sleep.” No matter how hard I try not to, I can’t stop my eyes from finding Brandon’s. His hands grip the table, like he wants to stand but doesn’t know if he should. I give him a small shake of my head, which makes his eyebrows squeeze together.

He would come. If I wanted him to, he would make some excuse and follow me up.

“Thanks for having me. I’ll see everyone in the morning.”

Without another word, I make my way upstairs.

The room is pitch black and my eyes wide open when I hear the door. It clicks behind Brandon and seconds later he’s crawling into bed with me.

“I’m sorry,” I say the second he’s next to me. I grab on to his hip and he puts a hand behind my neck.

“It’s okay. Feels kind of good not to be the one who’s freaking out this time.”

We both laugh quietly. Brandon waits until I finally say, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just keep thinking about what we’re going to do. They could be like my dad, Brand. What the hell would I do if your parents came down on you because of
me
? All you want is to make them proud and what if I screw that up?”

He tightens his grip on my neck and pulls me toward him. “You won’t. Not you, okay? You’re the only thing that’s completely real in my life. They’re my parents. They’ll understand. When they see how much you mean to me, they’ll understand.”

I squeeze him tighter too. “Okay.”

But we both know there’s no guarantee he’s right.

The doctor runs all sorts of tests on Brandon. Stress tests where they make him run on a treadmill, EKG’s . . . on and on and on. I’m sure the doctor wonders why I’m here with him but of course he doesn’t ask. Brandon goes through everything he’s supposed to and all the results come out great.

It’s not often there are side effects after an injury like Brandon’s, I guess, but with someone as active as he is, they want to continue with checkups every couple months.

We take the train back, feeling a lot less stressed then we did on the way in. Maybe that was part of my freak-out from last night. I was worried about him. Tonight has to be better.

We play games on our phone and I text Charlie a few times to tell her what’s going on. It feels almost like it did when we were at my apartment . . . normal.

Brandon left his truck at the station and it doesn’t take us long to drive back to his parents’ house from there.

“So he really said everything is great?” she asks the second we walk in the door.

Brandon grins. “I’m pretty sure he said I was in incredible shape. Smart doctor.” She swats his arm and we all laugh.

“Well Mr. Incredible Shape, I made lasagna for dinner because I know you love it. Maybe now I’ll hold it hostage.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” He wraps an arm around his mom before looking at me, “I’ll hold her. You grab the food!” he teases and I can’t help but just want to watch him. I’ve gotten used to seeing him like this again—that old Brandon from when we first met and I’m glad to have him back for good.

Judy ruffles his hair and Brandon lets go of her.

His dad comes home about an hour later and we sit at the table, his little brother in a highchair, and eat. His parents ask me about school and I tell them I’m going to be an engineer. We joke about how, when they came to Virginia all those years ago, they never expected that Nate would fall in love and Brandon would meet one of his best friends.

My eyes flash to Brandon at that, scared he’s going to take that opportunity to tell them but he just winks at me, making me instantly relax.

After dinner his dad goes into the office for a little while and Brandon and I play with Josh. He climbs all over Brand who tickles him and teases him and tells him he’s going to teach him to play football when he gets older.

Brandon hits my arm. “I taught him to play,” he tells Josh.

“Fu—I mean, forget you. He likes people to think that but I’m really the one who schooled him. I mean, he was all right before we met but I taught him everything he knows,” I tease back.

Josh looks at us like we’re fucking idiots, which we probably are before he picks up a block. “Block. Build.”

Brandon shakes his head, but smiles. “Figures. He’s just like Nate.”

We build one thing after another with Josh before their mom comes to get him for a bath. My stomach starts tying into knots as we wait.

“You sure?” I ask him.

“I’m doing this.” Brandon stands up and shakes his hands out as though they fell sleep.

“Hey.” I grab his wrist, hoping this isn’t when they decide to come back downstairs. “We’re going to be okay.”

Quickly, Brandon leans forward and kisses my forehead. “I know.”

I can’t help but wonder if this is another thing like last night—where we say one thing but we’re really thinking another.

A noise on the stairs makes us pull apart. “Do you boys want to watch a movie or play a game or something?” Brandon’s mom steps into the living room.

Brandon takes a deep breath and I physically fight myself not to reach for him.

“Actually, Mom. I was wondering if I could talk to you and Dad for a few minutes. It’s important.”