Rush (5 page)

“Shut up. You’re smart. You worked your ass off and you do well now.”

“Not as well as I play ball and I only did well so I could play. I’m . . . I’m so fucking scared I’m going to lose it and if I do, I’ll lose me. Even if it’s not because of this heart thing, but because . . .”

“ . . . of me.” If he ever tried to be with me, that is. He thinks if people knew about us, he’d lose the team. I try to pull away, but Brandon’s hand grabs my waist, his fingers digging into my skin.

“Not because of you. Because of
me
.”

We’ve done this so many times in the past, even when we were a thousand miles away and only on the phone. That’s how we really started—just talking. We could always talk.

“That’s why I can’t and I know that’s fucked up.”

I don’t reply because there’s nothing to say that will make a difference.

“Wanna know something else? I’m scared to start trying to work out again too. Scared I’ll fail and lose myself and scared I’ll succeed and have no choice, but to keep on being who everyone expects me to be.”

That last part, I didn’t anticipate.

Suddenly, I really want to touch him, but I don’t know where or how because he’s hurt. One of my hands finds its way to his chest, as I roll over and face him. Even though he’s lost weight, I feel the muscles under the skin and the rough edges of his bandage.

If I wasn’t so scared too, I’d do more. Be like Logan and let my hands slide under his shorts. He should be the first guy who I touch like that. It took us summers to work up to touching on the outside of our clothes when we were kids.

“I lied to you about Logan. I mean, he’s real, but there’s not a whole lot going on with us. He tried, but I freaked out. It’s not fair that I push you when I’m just as locked in the closet as you are.”

Brand tenses for a second. “I still hate that another guy has touched you.”

“I hate that girls have touched you. Hate that you’ve probably fucked them and held them and gone out together with all your friends.”

His silence is all the confirmation I need. When I start to pull away again, his grip tightens. “Once . . . I slept with someone once and I felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world. Even worse than with Sadie. I haven’t even dated another girl since then. It’s been a year, Alec. A year and the guys talk shit, but I can’t do it.”

It’s the same as always, not that I’m surprised.

“I’m going home tomorrow.” I need to get that out there now. All these things he tells me will make me hold on to him. I gotta stop holding on.

“You could stay.” His words are so soft, I hardly hear him. “I want you to stay. The guys are gone. My parents won’t think anything—”

“No. It’s not that easy anymore.” Even though the words hurt, I almost feel like they build me up too. It’s time to step off the roller-coaster ride for good. Not to try and be straight either—to try and be happy.

Silence.

Finally, what feels like forever later, he asks, “Can I stay in here tonight?”

I nod and he looks down and I look up and I have to taste him. I lean forward, my lips on his, but I can’t go slow. My tongue pushes inside and Brand moans. It’s like our tongues are fighting, both trying to take possession of each other and his hand tightens on the back of my neck like it always does and if I just go lower . . . I can dip my hand under his shorts and wrap my fist around him and touch him like I’ve always wanted to.

I shift, hungry, urgent, crazy, wild, and try to push forward and—

“Ouch. Fuck!” he hisses.

“Shit. Your chest. I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“I’m okay.” His hand is still on the back of my neck. “Jesus, I fucking missed you.”

We both relax back into the bed and just lie there. He pulls my hair and rubs my neck and again I wonder how this can be wrong. How feeling comfortable with him, how belonging with another person can cause so much pain and anger.

Finally, after hours of lying here, I’m almost asleep. Before I go out, Brand says, “When they fixed my heart, I wish they would have fixed me. Made it so I wasn’t so weak.”

I don’t answer. Nothing will change it anyway.

When I wake up in the morning, he’s not in my room.

I sit in our workout room, earbuds in with no music playing like I’ve done way too many times over the past month since Alec left. That tingle beneath my skin whips through me, hungry, eager for the sting in my muscles and sweat beading on my skin that I used to get lifting. That I should feel take me over right now as I pretend to work out again.

I want it. Want that burn and pain because it’s been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Every time I try, I see my muscles failing. If I don’t try, I won’t discover I can’t do it. Yeah, I know I’m not doing it now but that’s by choice, not because it was taken away from me.

Even to myself it doesn’t make sense but it doesn’t stop me from using the excuse. A lot of things I’ve done haven’t made sense.

Before Alec has the chance to climb out of that dark corner I make him hide in in the back of my head, I push to my feet. My T-shirt hangs on me looser than it used to, but taking it off is worse because then it’s easier for the scar to taunt me.

For the millionth time I wonder if I shouldn’t have refused the rehab and personal trainer my parents and my team tried to force on me. At least then I wouldn’t have a choice about doing what needs to be done. All the doctors are enough though. I know what I’m doing. I don’t need someone breathing down my neck.

Turning, I head for the staircase from downstairs to the main level of the house. It’s only about ten steps, which I take two at a time. As soon as I round the corner, I see Nate sitting in a chair. “Done pretending to lift already?”

My brother didn’t used to call me out on my shit as much as he does now. I’m caught between having respect for him and being pissed off. “Can still kick your ass, little man.” I fall into a chair beside him.

Laughing, he shakes his head. “Asshole.”

Well we know that’s the truth. I’m pretty sure Alec would say the same thing. Without asking, I grab his water bottle from in front of him and take a drink. “Where’s Charlotte?”

“She’s got some volunteer thing going on at school. It’s her last day and then we gotta get ready to go to Virginia.”

He takes the bottle from me and finishes it off and all I can do is sit back and watch him, wondering if he knows how fucking easy his life is. I’m not mad at him for it. More power to him, but it must be nice not to have people who expect certain things out of him. He has the girl who he’s been in love with since he was fifteen years old. He’s smart and has plans that he really wants. His life is perfect.

“Cool.” I screw around with my iPod, not wanting to look at him. If he starts talking about Lakeland Village I run the risk of him talking about Alec.

“So you scared or what? Why do you sit down there and pretend to exercise every day?” He gets this cocky smile on his face and I know he realizes exactly what he’s doing.

“I’m not scared. That’s ridiculous. Maybe I’m just not feelin’ it anymore.”

“Sure you’re not.” Nate pushes to his feet, and my arm automatically flies out to grab his arm.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

He grins again. “That you’re full of shit.”

Shaking my head, I let go of him. “You’re a comedian now?”

“You make for easy jokes. Did you hear the one about the football player who didn’t love anything like he loved ball, but when he ran the risk of losing it, he sat back and pretended to fight for it, while he really did jack shit?”

Anger burns through me. Without realizing I even got up, I have Nate’s shirt in my hands, and I’ve pushed him against the wall. “Fuck you.”

Nate’s breathing heavy when he says, “I’m sorry. Shit. That was an asshole thing to say.”

My fingers don’t work when I try to pry my hands away from him. I’ve never hit my brother in my life but my fists are begging me to do it right now. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“How am I supposed to when you don’t
tell
me anything? I thought . . . I thought we got over that when you told me about Alec. I’m your brother, man.”

At that my hands slip away and I turn my back to him, not because I’m pissed at him, but because I’m an asshole. Growing up we were like any brothers, I guess. We fought all the time but we still always had each other’s backs. He didn’t know that practically everything he knew about me was a lie. Yeah, I was all about ball but not for the reasons he thought.

Then . . . then I told him about Alec and I know he thought that meant things would change but I’m still lying. The only person who really knows who I am, I push even farther away than I do everyone else.

“Talk to me.” Nate steps around me.

“You’re hanging out with Charlotte too much. You’re getting soft, bro.” He rolls his eyes at my attempt at a joke. “It’s not that big a deal. I’ll figure it out like I always do, yeah? Maybe it just feels good to have a little break from the routine. There doesn’t always have to be some huge reason behind everything, Nate.”

Before he has the chance to reply, my cell rings. As soon as I pull it out of my pocket, I shake my head. “Hey, Mom.”

“Hi, sweetie. I wanted to check in with you to see if you need anything before I come home. It’ll be about an hour or so.”

Nope. And if I did, I could get it myself. “I’m good. Thanks though.”

“How’s your day? I bet it feels good for you to be back in the gym.”

Tightening my fist, I squeeze my phone. She’s trying to help and that makes me feel even worse about my anger, but it’s hard. Our parents have never really been the clingy type. Dad was always working at the university and Mom always had her own projects going on. Even when we’d go to Lakeland Village for the summer, we did our own thing. Nate and I have always been used to having freedom and pretty much doing what we want. Every time she asks me if I’m okay it reminds me how much shit has changed. I mean, I don’t want to make it sound like they were shitty parents. We knew they loved us, they just weren’t overly involved.

“I’ve always loved working out.” It’s not a real answer but she doesn’t seem to notice. Mom rambles on for a few more minutes before I manage to escape the conversation. Tossing my cell to the table, I look at my brother. “I know they just want to help but they’re driving me crazy.”

“Better you than me.” Nate crosses his arms.

“Whatever, asshole.” He stumbles a little with my soft push. “I’m thinking about heading back to Ohio, spending the summer there. A few of the guys are local so I can get back into routine with them. Or maybe heading to NYC or something. I’m going to lose it if I have to stay here.” I’ve never spent a summer in Ohio. Never spent the summer in NYC either. It’s always been home, vacation with the family, or Lakeland Village.

“You don’t want to spend the summer in Ohio. You don’t tell me shit but even I know that. Mom and Dad will flip.”

“I’m twenty-one years old. It doesn’t matter if they like it.” He’s right about the rest of it. I don’t want to be in Ohio. I don’t want to be here either. Like always, I don’t know where in the hell I want to be.

Jerking my phone off the table, I try to ignore the tightening of my muscles and the tick in my jaw, as I head out of the room. I get to the stairs when Nate’s voice stops me. “Go to Virginia.”

One foot is on the bottom stair, one hand on the railing but I don’t turn back to look at him.

“What else are you going to do, man? Mom and Dad won’t get off your back if you’re here. You don’t need to be in Ohio right now and you know it. It’ll be like when we were kids. Charlotte and I will be there and . . .”

Slowly, I turn around. I’m not sure what makes me say it—if I’m trying to be a prick or if I really want to know but the words come out regardless. “Is it hard for you to say his name because it’s Alec and you’ve never really liked him or because you hate the fact that your brother’s into a guy?”

Nate’s always been laid-back. He relies on facts, he’s honest about how he feels and he’s fair. He looks like I punched him in the face. The set of his jaw and the ball of his fists tell me he wants to hit me.

“Fuck you, Brandon. You’re turning into an asshole. I’ll admit something to you. I’m glad you’re not with Alec but it’s not because he’s a guy, it’s because you don’t deserve him. Not anymore.”

He shoves his way past me; for the first time, someone in this house is not careful with me after the accident. There’s an ache in my stomach because of the reason, and because of what I said but it feels so fucking good to be treated normally too.

It doesn’t change that Nate is right.

Twirling my football in my hand, I lie in bed, thinking about what Nate said. I watch the brown leather spin, over and over. It’s a nice ball. It used to be Alec’s favorite until he gave it to me. No matter how many times I told him no, he kept telling me to take it. The truth was, I had another one just like it back home. I knew he didn’t.

Yeah, he could have gotten another one but things weren’t as easy for him as they were for me. And he’d won a big comeback game with it in high school. People who aren’t into sports don’t get shit like that but that ball meant something because of that win. It was lucky.

But he wanted me to have it and as weak as it makes me sound, I wanted it too because it was his. Every summer after that I brought it with us to Lakeland Village. It became my lucky ball even though I never played with it at home or school.

When I look at it, I remember who I was when we met—who I am with him. I mean, it’s only a seventy-dollar football but it was his and it meant something to him but it meant more to Alec for me to have it.

He thought I deserved it. When I think about how big a prick I was after he came all the way here for
me
. The way I turned my back on him when Dev, Theo, and Donny were here and how I didn’t stick up for him when they asked if he played or even how I just treated Nate. He tries to be the brother I’ll never let him be, and I throw bullshit at him like I did earlier.

The guy I am now doesn’t deserve something that was so important to Alec. He was right to walk away, doing it for a whole hell of a lot better reasons than when I left him.

But I want to deserve it. Want something even though I’ll never let myself have all of him. I can still try to be the person who would be worthy of him. The kind of guy who could at least be man enough to be friends with him. To earn him.

Palming the football, I jump out of bed. Ripping my door open, I go out and head straight for Nate’s room. Right after I knock, he opens it. Charlie lies on their bed. My eyes dart from her to him. “I’m going.”