Rush (4 page)

Do I? Do I really belong there?

“Yep. You know it.” I grin, showing them how determined I am. Trying to show them I know something I don’t have a clue about.

I keep my eyes off Alec, because he’ll know. His eyes will tell me he does.

“It was so nice of you to come, Alec. It’s been so long since we’ve seen you. You’ve always been such a good friend to the boys. All those summers when we went to Virginia and stayed at The Village and then being here for them when I was in the hospital with Joshua.”

Actually, Mom, he was more than my friend. He snuck to my bed when you were worrying my brother wouldn’t make it. He’s the only guy I’ve ever kissed. And it felt better than kissing any girl ever did.

Alec shrugs. “They would have done the same for me.”

But he’s looking at me.

We all eat dinner together and Mom and Dad keep saying how happy they are that I’m downstairs and how good I look. Dad asks about my teammates and says I’m lucky because I have a lot of time to recuperate before football next year.

The crazy part is, I know he says it because he thinks it’s the right thing. He’s a professor. He’s not into sports. He’d rather I was smart like Nate, but we both know I’m not. The only thing I’m really good at is ball.

I don’t eat much because nothing feels right or tastes right. Mom tries to get me to eat more, but I can’t. When I say I’m tired, so do Nate and Charlotte. She stays in his room. It’s not like we’re not old enough and they’ll be getting an apartment together next year in between Vassar and Columbia where they each go to school.

But it’s not the same for me. I’d never have the balls to grab Alec’s hand like Nate does with Charlotte, and to lead him to my room.

Even if I could, he has Logan now.

“You know where the spare room is right?” Mom asks Alec.

“Actually, I’m going to get him some blankets. He’s going to take the couch in Brandon’s room. They made me grab them some stupid movie from the Redbox that Charlotte and I don’t want to see.” Nate looks at me like he’s doing me this huge favor.

“Oh . . . okay. That makes sense, I guess.” Mom’s eyebrows pull together.

Hours later, we’re lying in my dark room. Alec’s on the couch, me in my bed. My eyes are wide open. Sleep doesn’t have a chance of coming.

“Brand?” Alec’s voice breaks through the night.

“Yeah?” I’m anxious, but I don’t know what for, or what I want him to say.

“Never mind.”

The one thing I do know is that’s not what I wanted to hear.

I leave Brandon’s room before he wakes in the morning. It was weird staying in there last night. I know Nate probably thought he was doing Brandon a favor, but he wasn’t.

I take my bag with me when I go.

Charlie’s downstairs when I get there. She looks up at me from the couch, this strange, unreadable look in her eyes. I used to know everything about her. She knew almost everything about me too. Then Brand and Nate came and everything changed for both of us.

Her voice is hopeful when she says, “I told Nate I wanted to spend a few hours with you today. I thought maybe we could go into the city.”

“Cool. I kind of need to get out of here.”

Charlie nods, more sadness on her face.

I take a quick shower and then get dressed. Before going downstairs, I stall at Brandon’s door for a second, wondering if I should go in and check on him, but I don’t. It’s too awkward and I’m not in the mood for that right now. Charlie’s waiting for me again, while Nate sits on the ground playing with Joshua.

There was a time Nate would have been pissed about us leaving alone together, but I guess knowing I’ve been pining after his brother since I was fifteen changes that.

We make small talk on the way to the train station, but I know something’s coming. After we board and we’re in our seats, she asks, “How’d it go last night? I mean . . . I know it has to be hard, because of everything.”

I shrug. “It went as good as it could.”

“He has three friends in from Ohio for the weekend and he’s had us make excuses so he didn’t have to see them. He hasn’t eaten dinner downstairs once since he’s been home, yet he let you in without complaint and he spent the evening with his family last night. You might not see it, but that means something, Alec. I’m sorry if it hurt you, but I want you to know, you helped give his family some peace of mind. You must have given some to Brandon too.”

Dropping my head against the seat, I tell her, “Not enough to make it matter. Not to him.”

She leans her head on my shoulder. “I don’t understand it. I know he loves you. I
know
it. Why is it so hard for him?”

“You can’t understand because you haven’t experienced it. It’s easy for people to say when they haven’t lived it. And maybe it’s easy for some people to do but . . .”

“You’d do it.”

“How do you know that? I still haven’t come out to anyone.”

“But you would, wouldn’t you? If you could be with Brandon?”

I shrug. “Yeah, I think I would, but that doesn’t mean anything. It’s simple to say,
I could do this, I could do that,
but a whole hell of a lot harder when you actually have to.”

Charlie puts her arm through one of mine, hugging it, making me realize I missed having my best friend around. “I want you happy. Is there . . . I mean, have you? Is there anyone else?”

I laugh. She can hardly say it. I’m the same way, even with her. “I love you, Charlie, but I don’t know if I can talk about this with you.”

“You can talk about anything with me. We used to bathe together. I think that means we can share anything with each other.”

I shake my head. “Not really. A fling maybe, but that’s all.”

“A guy?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s hard on Nate. He doesn’t understand and Brandon doesn’t say anything. If you hadn’t told me when he called everything off, we never would have known.”

The soft, probing tone in her voice, tells me exactly what she’s doing. She wants me to tell her something, but no matter what, there’s no way I can break Brandon’s trust by telling them all his fears about coming out. How could I make her understand anyway? How would she get that he feels like football is all he’s ever been good at. That it’s what he thinks his dad is proud of him for. Not that his dad’s all that into sports but because it gave Brandon something to excel at. That he’s so scared of who he is that he made himself believe football is
all
he is, because it’s easier that way.

“I can’t, Charlie.”

She sighs. “I knew you’d say that. You’re the most loyal person I know, Alec.”

There’s nothing really to say to that, so I don’t reply. For the rest of the ride into the city, we talk about other stuff. School, her and Nate’s plans to go back to Lakeland Village this summer, like they always do. Her dad has MS. It was a tough time because he’d been working at their lake resort since he was a teenager. His wife left him and Charlie’s older sister, Sadie, went with her and then Charlie wanted college instead of her family lake cabins. He’s doing better though. He’s in a wheelchair now, but he’s also happier than he’s ever been. He’s engaged to a woman who really loves him. My parents also became partners with him and work there as well.

We don’t stay in New York City too long and then we’re on our way back to their house. The train ride back is even quieter than the one in. I’m sure the only reason we went in the first place is because Charlie wanted to try and talk to me about Brandon. It sucks that we don’t know what to say to each other anymore.

Counting both train rides, we were only gone from the house a little over five hours.

Nate picks us up at the station. “Hey man . . . I thought you should know, Brandon’s friends from school are here.”

Automatically I tense up. Then I get pissed at myself because what’s the big deal? I’m like Brandon and his friends. I play ball and talk shit and everything else. When Brandon and Nate used to come to Lakeland Village, he hung out with my friends and it didn’t matter. We always had some kind of game going or were camping or fishing and it was never a big deal. All it is is hanging out.

But today we’re seeing the people Brand’s always been freaked out about. His teammates. The ones who don’t know shit about him, but he pretends they do.

“I’m sure it’s because they’re leaving tomorrow and he feels bad that they came all this way.” Nate catches my eye in the rearview mirror and I laugh.

“Holy shit, I must be acting funny if you’re trying to make me feel better. You hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, man. Not anymore. I’m not going to say I didn’t used to, but now . . .”

I turn away, hoping he’ll shut up. What’s he going to say? But now I’m the one who’s into his brother? The one who’s following him around like a goddamned puppy dog or something?

“It’s not a big deal,” I mumble. The conversation ends there.

When we get there, Brandon’s mom is out in the garden. She tells us Joshua is asleep. I guess their dad is at work, which makes sense.

“Brandon’s in the living room with his friends. It’s so good to see,” she tells Nate. “He’s acting like he’s back to his old self.”

That’s not him.

“I knew spending time with them would help. They’re talking to him about football, and I can see how excited he is to heal so he can work toward getting on the field again.”

Because he can lie about who he is there.

Then she looks at me, with eyes just like Brandon. “And you of course. It’s so good for Brandon to have friends here for him.”

“Thanks.” I cross my arms. “I needed to get away for a couple days anyway.”

“We’re going to head in now, Mom.” Nate tells her.

The three of us go back toward the house. The urge to stay out here is strong, but I push through it. We’ll hang out and Brandon will play his game and then when they leave, it’ll be normal again.

As soon as Nate opens the door, I hear one of them laughing at something. Brandon’s house is huge, the sound almost echoing. We turn into the oversized living room, where everything is perfectly in its place. Brandon’s sitting in a chair. Even from here, I can see how tense he is, but who the hell knows if it’s because of them or me.

Two guys are sitting on the couch, one on each end, and another in a chair “ ’Sup?” Two of them say at the same time.

Nate and Charlie both tell them hi. I’m sure they’ve met the guys before. Charlie says they all fly out to games often.

“This is Alec,” Brandon tells the guys. “He’s Charlotte’s best friend. We used to spend our summers in his hometown. Alec, this is Dev, Theo, and Donny. Dev’s our quarterback. Theo’s our kicker—”

“Best fucking kicker in college football.”

Brandon and Donny laugh at Theo’s interruption.

“You’re so fucking gay. What you do wouldn’t matter if my ass wasn’t out there blocking for you.” Donny, the beefy one, shoves him.

Brandon’s eyes burn into me even though I’m not looking at him. Charlie freezes as Theo and Donny talk crap to each other and I pretend I don’t want to slam my fist into all their faces. Maybe even Brandon’s too. Not because his friends are assholes because everyone I know throws the word “gay” around like it’s nothing but I can’t even be his friend anymore? I’m Charlie’s friend—oh and we used to vacation where he lives. What the hell is that?

Finally the guys stop and Donny stands and holds out his hand. “What’s up, man? What did he say your name is again?”

“Alec.”

Theo and Dev say hi too before Donny asks, “You play ball?”

I shrug. “Not really.” It’s a lie. I’ve always loved football. After meeting Brandon I used to secretly wonder if I could play somewhere one day too, but I don’t so I know that “no” is the answer they’re expecting.

“Alec was really good when we were in high school. He could have played in college if he wanted to.” Charlie smiles at me like she just did me this huge-ass favor. I know she only wants to help, but she didn’t. It’s shitty, but they’ll think it’s a joke coming from her. If Brandon would have had my back, that’d be different, but he doesn’t say anything.

None of the guys really say anything to that. I don’t mean for it to happen, but my eyes find Brandon who’s looking at the floor.

“She’s kidding,” I say and they laugh like it’s a hilarious fucking joke.

“We gotta bail in a little while. Wanna go downstairs and hang out?” Dev asks Brandon.

“Sure,” he replies. Brandon winces as he stands, and I wonder if anyone besides me notices. I wish like hell I didn’t.

“You should be taking those stairs a hundred times a day. You’ve lost like fifteen pounds,” Donny teases. “Get your ass in shape so you can get back on the field next year. We need our boy.”

“Fuck, I got this. Nothing’s holding me back. Come practice I’ll be kicking everyone’s ass in drills like I always have. No other running backs will be able to touch me.” Brandon laughs and his friends do the same. He’s hunched over a little as they walk to the stairs that lead down to their family room where they have the big screen TV and pool table.

I stand there waiting to see if he’ll tell me to come. He knows I know how to fake it too. There’s no reason not to tell us all to go down there with them, but he doesn’t. It’s not till they get to the door, that he looks over his shoulder right at me.

I make myself turn away.

Brandon and I manage to avoid each other the rest of the night. I chill with Charlie and Nate. When his friends leave, his mom doses him up with pain meds and he passes out.

I go to bed early, in the spare room, but don’t sleep. To pass the time I play some games on my phone, before something makes me pull up Logan’s number.

Hey.
I text him.

Hey. How’s your friend?

How are you?
Brandon is the last person I want to talk about right now.

I’m cool . . . been thinking. Might be jumping the gun since you’re there with your boy, but not sure I wanna keep doing this.

A deep breath leaves my lungs, and it feels like I don’t have any air left.

He’s not my boy, but I get it. You’re smart to say that.

And he’s a prick to fuck around with you.

The way I did you?
I ask.

Nah. You never made promises. I just kept pushin’. You’re hot. Hard not to.

A smile tries to pull at my lips.
I wish I didn’t make it so hard.

There’s a pause before Logan replies.
You ever find your way away from your boy, you get a hold of me.

Anger slams into me out of nowhere. I’m fucking pissed at myself and pissed at Brandon and even Charlie for calling me and telling me Brandon needed me when he doesn’t.

K.

I toss my phone to the floor. Thinking maybe Brandon had it right all along. Maybe I just need to lie and pretend like he does. Get a girl and find a way to be happy.

I don’t know how much later it is that I hear the door open, see the shadow slowly step inside before it closes again. My heart kicks up. My brain telling me to say, “Fuck off” but nothing comes out.

Brandon stands by the edge of the bed. It’s dark as hell in here, but I know he’s looking at me and I’m looking at him too.

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” he says, his voice cracking. “I was such a pussy. I could have let you come down. It wouldn’t have mattered. Christ, I’m so fucking sorry.”

“You should be . . . and I’m sorry too. Come here.” The words come out more easily than they should

“Ouch,” Brandon whispers as he gets into the bed.

“Be careful.” Reaching for him, I try to figure out how to help him or where to touch him.

“No. Just wanna hurry.” And then he’s lying down with me, but he’s propped a little higher on the pillow. “I want to be strong. Why the fuck can’t I be stronger?”

But it’s not just him. It’s me too. Having him or not, I could have come out. “Maybe we’re not supposed to be. Maybe this is the way it’s supposed to be for us.”

I feel him shake his head. We’re quiet for a little while when he asks, “Did I ever tell you about when I started playing ball?”

“No,” I say, even though he has.

“I was fucking up in school. I was young, like second grade or something. The teachers kept saying I didn’t try and that I interrupted in class. I got in trouble for a little while, but then Dad pushed and got me tested and they found out I was dyslexic. I didn’t know what it was, but it made me feel stupid.

“They got me a tutor and it was this guy who loved football. If I worked really hard during all our sessions, we’d play football for fifteen minutes after every day. Found out real quick I was better at football than school.”