Rush (8 page)

Sitting in a chair on the porch of our cabin, I put my feet up on the wood railing. Nate and Charlie are inside and I really don’t want to interrupt them. I feel like shit for busting in on their summer together. I’m sure they didn’t want to share their cabin with Nate’s screwed-up big brother but everything else had already been booked.

The air is still warm, sticking to me, even though it’s late. Everyone left hours ago, and Alec before the rest. I couldn’t read the look on his face when everything went down with this dad. I used to know that shit. Would know what’s going on but it’s obvious he doesn’t want him to find out he’s not working. I’m pretty sure it’s because he doesn’t want to spend the summer with him.

The flash of a light toward the driveway entrance catches my eye. Without seeing him clearly, I know it belongs to Alec.

It would be embarrassing as hell if anyone knew it but my heart rate kicks up the closer he gets to me. Alec doesn’t stop when he gets to the porch, though. He just mumbles, “Come on,” and nods his head toward the woods behind the cabin where we snuck off to so many times when we were younger.

Without hesitation, I stand and grab the flashlight on the railing of the porch. Taking the three porch stairs quickly I follow behind Alec as he weaves through the trees and to the spot we used to meet each other. When we get to the small clearing, he stops with his back to me. There’s this ache in my gut, fears twisting up my insides, scared of what he might say.

Alec turns to face me. “Do you remember the third summer . . .?”

“When we got caught out here by Charlie?”

He smiles and some of the ache eases out of me.

“No, the beginning. How you weren’t going to come but then I called you and you . . . showed up.”

I take a step toward him. “Don’t make a hero out of me because of that. I wanted to see you. I missed you.”

“But you wouldn’t have come. If I didn’t call, you wouldn’t have come.”

Shaking my head, I say, “That’s not a good thing. We both know I wanted to be here. The fact that I wouldn’t have come makes me a pussy.”

“The fact that I didn’t have the balls to call you up and tell you I wanted you here, makes me the same thing.”

When I don’t reply, he continues. “I also remember you texted me that night. Nate was out with Charlie and we could have gotten caught sneaking out together but you still asked me to meet you. We took the football out and played in the dark. We kept tripping over shit and laughing. Remember when you fell and ran into that tree? That was funny as hell.”

I shake my head. “That wasn’t an accident.”

“I know.”

Quiet, he looks away from me. I shrug, even though he can’t see me. “I could tell you were upset. Wanted to make you laugh.”

We’re silent for what seems like a year before he looks at me. “You don’t laugh anymore.”

No, no I don’t. Not honestly, at least. “I feel like I’m being eaten alive, from the inside out and there’s nothing I can do about it. Hell, it’s my own fault. I pretend it’s this stupid fucking heart injury that broke me but it wasn’t. It was
me
.” I’ve always been broken.

This time it’s Alec who takes a step closer to me. Then another one and my breath catches.

“I want you to smile again too. It’s in there, Brand. I saw it tonight. When you had the ball and then when we were talking to my dad.”

I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do but it’s the only thing I
can
do. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t stop myself. I step toward Alec and slide my free hand around the back of his neck. It only takes a gentle tug to bring him even closer, his hand moving to the same place on me that mine rests on him.

Alec closes his eyes and drops his forehead to mine. Neither of us talks, and I wonder if he’s just feeling the way I am. It’s that same rush that sweeps through me every time I touch him, my nerve endings like live wires, sparking with electricity. Everything inside me screams that this is right. He’s right. How can anyone not understand this? How can I fight us?

“How do we end up like this so quickly?” he asks.

Quickly? It feels like it’s been forever to me. In reply, I lean back enough so I can kiss his forehead. Kiss the corner of his lips.

I freeze against him when he mumbles, “I’m still pissed too . . .”

Everything inside me wants to keep going but the ache of knowing I hurt him is stronger. “Shit, I’m sorry. I thought. I don’t know what I thought.”

When I try to pull away, his hand fists in my hair, his grip tightening so I can’t move away from him.

“I’m not saying no. We both know how this will end but I can’t stand having you here and not being close to you either.”

“I know.” I run my hand through the back of his hair. Squeeze him because it feels so fucking good just to touch him again. “I’m sorry. Nothing I’ve ever had feels as right as you.”

Alec pulls far enough away from me that we can look at each other. “Holy shit, you’ve gotten sappy.”

I laugh, and it’s a real laugh and I can tell he knows it because Alec’s hold on me tightens and he’s smiling too.

“Don’t make me kick your ass.”

Alec steps back. As he does I let my hand trace a path down his back. He’s firm and muscular, making me wish like hell I could take his shirt off. Feel the contour of his body that matches mine.

“Can you borrow Nate’s car tomorrow?”

I almost brought my truck to Virginia too but decided not to. “I’m sure I could.”

“Drive down to my place. Hit the gym with me and then we can . . . I don’t know, hang out or something after.”

“There it is. I see your ulterior motive now. You’re just trying to get me to train.” There’s a playfulness to my voice I haven’t used in so long.

“Yeah, right. I know you. You don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Get your ass down there and let me show you up.”

I give him a small nod because this feels like something for
me
. It’s not training to get into shape for football. It’s not trying to get past my injury. It’s doing something I want to do, something I like. It feels like those days when we were younger and we played ball or whatever the hell we wanted and had fun.

He tells me a time and then says he has to go. He parked his truck down the street and I try not to let anger hit me that we have to do shit like that. Alec starts to walk away, but I reach out, and thread a finger through his belt loop. Stopping, he looks at me. He says I was the golden boy but he is. His hair’s so blond and his eyes so damn blue.

“I’m sorry.” The flashlight allows him to see my eyes aren’t leaving his.

Alec nods. He doesn’t ask what for because he knows. We’ve always been like that. “I know. Prove it to me though. We’ll do this. We’ll be friends like you said. You’ll train and kick ass like you always do. Then you’ll go back to school and play ball and we’ll have had one last summer.”

My hand falls free when he walks away, disappearing into the trees.

“Mom called me this morning.” Nate looks up as I approach him out by the lake.

We’ve only been here a week yet he’s brought up our parents at least a dozen times. I’m pretty sure I can guess what’s coming next. “She called me too. I was in the shower but I haven’t called her back yet.”

“She asked what you’ve been doing since you’ve been here. She’s worried about you. You’re supposed to be training. If you don’t want to play anymore, why don’t you just say it?”

“I never said I didn’t want to play. You don’t get it.” I don’t know what I want. Football is all I’m good at.

“You’re not acting like it. You haven’t done shit since you got cleared by the doc to work out.” He doesn’t raise his voice but Nate doesn’t have to for people to realize he’s disappointed in them. He’s always done the right thing even when it’s not easy. When we were younger he stuck up for a girl when her boyfriend got pushy with her, even though it turned our little town against him. That’s the way he is. The repercussions don’t matter as long as it’s what’s right.

“Not all of us can be like you.” I wish like hell I could walk away from him but I can’t. “Listen, I was going to ask if I could borrow your car but maybe you should take me down so I can rent my own. It would be easier.”

That changes the expression on his face and he cocks his head a little. “Where are you going?”

“Do I need to ask your permission to leave? Did Mom and Dad make you my keeper while we’re here?”

Nate shakes his head. “Stop being an asshole. I’m just curious.”

Pushing my hands in my pockets, I groan. “I’m going to the gym . . . with Alec.”

I can tell Nate wants to say something about that but it would make us both uncomfortable as hell. How do you talk to your brother about the guy he’s into? We didn’t really talk about stuff before he found out about Alec and starting now isn’t something either of us wants to do.

“Keys are in the cabin on the kitchen table.”

“Thanks, man.” And then because I know I’ve been a prick to him, I add, “For everything. My head’s all fucked up right now and I’m taking it out on you. You’ve . . . you’ve been cool about . . . everything.” There’s no doubt he would rather me be into any other guy except Alec. They have too much history because of Charlie.

“You’re my brother. I’ll always have your back.”

“I have yours too.” We bump knuckles and then I’m jogging toward the cabin. After changing into a pair of basketball shorts, tank top, and my shoes, I grab some clothes to change into after working out and pack them in a bag.

Snatching the keys off the table, I head straight to Nate’s car, determined not to let myself overthink what I’m doing.

That I’m about to be alone with Alec in a way we haven’t been for so long.

That for the first time since they opened my chest, since I learned I might lose the one thing that defines who I am, I’m about to take a step toward trying to get it back.

Too bad I don’t know if I really want it, the way I’ve always known I want him.

When I pull into Alec’s apartment complex he’s standing outside. My grip on the steering wheel tightens, wondering if he’s going to call the whole thing off.

This spark of anger, of determination I haven’t felt in so damn long surges through me and I pull the car up to him, rolling down the window. “Get in.”

He said we were doing this, we’re doing it.

Alec opens the door and climbs into the car. “That’s why I’m standing here.” He pauses for a second before adding, “You thought I changed my mind?”

“No.” I pull away even though I’m not sure which direction to go.

“Shut the hell up.” He smiles. “You did too.”

It’s not like I’m going to admit it. “Where’s the gym?”

I hear Alec chuckle as he clicks his seatbelt on. “Not admitting it doesn’t make it less true, ya know? And we’re not going to the gym.”

An unexpected pang hits my gut. “I thought—”

“Have you done anything since the accident?”

The answer embarrasses me. “No.”

He flips his cell over and over in his hand. “I don’t know. We can go if you want to. I figured you might not want to be around a ton of people the first time. We won’t have weights but I thought you might want to work into it. Maybe go for a jog or something to see what you can do.”

At that my whole body goes loose. The weights I didn’t realize had landed in my stomach, chest
everywhere
drop away . . .

“If you wanna hit the gym we can. I’m cool either way. We’ll have to get you a guest pass real quick but—”

“No. We’ll do that next time. Going for a jog or something sounds good for today.”

Neither of us mentions my use of the words “next time.”

“There’s a lake not too far away. It’s smaller than The Village and man-made. There are some trails around it that I like. I go jogging there sometimes. People play Frisbee and stuff in this big grassy area out there too.”

Brandon looks over at me and for a second I let myself really look at him. In so many ways he’s so different. You wouldn’t think someone could change that much in a year and a half but he has. In other ways he’s the same too. The wrinkle in his forehead says he’s surprised at something I said.

“You jog a lot now?”

He’s already turned back to the road when I shrug. “Not a lot. Sometimes I feel like doing something but don’t want to be in the gym. I like going out to the lake. It’s like being home without actually having to go there.” I realize how stupid that sounds since I’m less than an hour away from where I grew up. “Not that I’m all that far or anything but—”

“That doesn’t matter. How far from home you go means nothing. A person can run to the other side of the world but it doesn’t mean shit if they’re the same person when they get there as they were when they left. You might not have gone far from home but inside you’ve traveled a whole hell of a lot farther than most people . . . farther than me.”

I can’t help but scoff at that. “How? Because I’ve kissed a guy and then lost it when he jacked me off? I haven’t done anything that matters.”

Brandon flinches, his hands visibly squeezing the steering wheel. Guilt burns through me but then I’m not going to hide what happened with Logan and me, either. It could have been him. It
should
have been. The only reason another guy even had the chance to touch me is because Brandon pushed me away.

“It’s a step,” he bites out. “And that’s not the only way you’ve changed.”

He doesn’t say anything else and I don’t ask him. It doesn’t take us long to get to the trails. Brandon parks off the side of the road where I point him to and we both get out of the car.

There’s a bunch of rocks lined up separating the small parking area and trees and trails behind it. Three other cars are here but I know there are a few other spots too so who knows how many people are out today.

“I brought some waters in my pack. I wasn’t sure if you’d have any,” I tell him.

“Thanks. I figured I’d buy one at the gym.” Brandon pushes up on his toes before planting his feet on the ground again, stretching out his calves. Each time he does it, the muscles constrict and I can’t help watching.

God, I want to touch him so damn much. Despite his weight loss, he’s still hard and strong. Looking at him, I know he’s not something I’m supposed to want. There’s no softness to him. No curves that guys talk so much about in the locker room. Instead he has harder edges that I don’t understand how everyone can’t find beautiful.

“You’re staring.”

A laugh tumbles out of my mouth at that, a little memory from the past jumping into the present.

“You like it when I stare at you.”

Brandon grins and I know he’s remembering what I am. It was our third summer together when we were teenagers. There was a big group of my friends from high school and we were all playing a game of flag football. We were skins, so no shirts. Brandon is fucking gorgeous without a shirt.

“I like looking at you too.” His words, exactly the same as what he said years ago rip me out of the memory. That easily, my cock gets hard. He’s doing what he said, his eyes intense and unwavering on me. My body starts to thrum and I remember the feel of him when we were in his bed and how much I want to stroke and explore every part of him in a way I’ve never been able to do.

We always end up right back here but I can’t even be mad this time because it’s different and we’re older and I’m over denying myself.

“Yeah?” I ask him.

“Yeah. You know that.”

In this moment it doesn’t matter that he’s been a prick. It doesn’t matter that nothing has really changed. I’m twenty years old. I should be screwing whoever I want and not holding on to that fantasy I used to have that one day none of it would matter and we’d find a way to be together.

Grabbing the bottom hem of my shirt, I pull it over my head. This time I know the tic in Brandon’s jaw isn’t from anger. His eyes trace down my chest, my abs to the six-pack that wasn’t as defined when we were younger.

“Alec . . .” His voice comes out husky in a way I’ve never heard it.

There were so many times when we were teenagers where we snuck to places just like this. We’d slip off into the woods to find a spot and we’d talk and then kiss and it was so different than the girl’s I’d done the same thing with. Our shirts would come off and our bodies matched in so many ways and felt so right against each other.

He’d touch me and I’d touch him though we were too stupid and scared to try without some clothes still between us. I don’t want to be stupid anymore.

“You’re fucking killing me here. You just told me last night you’re still pissed at me. I don’t want to screw up with you. Not anymore. I’m scared as hell to do the wrong thing.”

I take a step toward him. Then another. It’s all Brandon needs and then he’s coming toward me and backing me against the car. The metal is hot on my back but the sting doesn’t touch the need rushing through me.

He grabs my sides and I grab his, wishing like hell he didn’t have a shirt on either. The fabric from his top touches my stomach and then there’s pressure as his body leans against me, his mouth moving toward mine.

“Holy shit that killed me!” A voice drifts from the trails in front of us. Brandon jerks away as another person laughs on the trails.

I’m breathing heavily and I’m hard as hell. Brandon must be too because he walks around the back of the car, and leans over, his elbows on the hood and his hands in his hair. But I see it, see the smile that curves his lips and I know that even though we had a helluva cock block, he wants me as much as I want him.

Two guys step out from one of the trails. Not paying any attention to us they climb into their car and drive off.

“I love the way you make me lose my head. I never knew that before you. I thought something was wrong when I was with a girl. Then I met you and . . .” He smiles. “I’ve been a little crazy ever since.”

Crazy for me. I like that. “What can I say? I’m good.” I tuck my T-shirt into the side of my backpack before putting the pack on.

“By the looks of you I am too.”

Smiling, I adjust myself. As much as I still want him, the mood is broken. He’ll worry about someone else showing up and hell, I also want him to do this. He needs to start working out again. I don’t want to be his excuse for not doing what we came out here to do.

“We going or not?”

“Gimme the pack. The straps will irritate you without your shirt.” He reaches for me but I shake my head.

“You’re wearing yours?”

“Eh. Figure I’ll make it easier for you to keep your hands off me. I know what I do to you.” Brandon winks and on the one hand it’s like having the old Brand back but on the other, I know what he’s doing. It’s a lot easier to pretend nothing’s changed if he doesn’t have to look at the proof of it running down his chest.

I don’t call him on it though. “Come on. Let’s see how much warming the bench in your workout room hurt you. Hopefully you can keep up with me.”