Authors: Nyrae Dawn
Hot water runs down my body, massaging what I know will be sore tomorrow. My bags are sitting on the floor in Alec’s room. He’s at the store picking up a few things and looking for a movie or something for us to watch tonight.
Ever since we left the gym I haven’t stopped thinking about how it felt when I finished my workout. My body thrives off being active like that. It’s always been something I love but then he said what he did about me being out on the field and I froze up.
Not just because of him—because I know the look that was on his face and heard the sadness blended with bitterness there—but because of me. Because as real as it feels, it’s fake too. It’s the road that leads to Brandon Chase number forty-three. Of a lifetime of being the other me.
After dipping my head under the spray one more time, I turn the water off and get out. A pair of clean shorts, boxer-briefs, and a T-shirt waits on the counter for me so after I dry off, I get dressed.
Dirty clothes in hand, I head back into Alec’s room, and stop. What the hell do I do with my dirty clothes? I know it sounds stupid but I’m really not sure. He has a basket in the corner. It’s suddenly all I can see. His clothes basket that I’m not sure if I should use. It’s crazy. I get that but it makes me realize I’m sharing an apartment with Alec.
Like a real couple would. We’re going to watch a movie tonight and sleep in the same bed, and hopefully explore more of each other. It’s what I always wanted. What I never thought I would have.
It’s temporary.
Because of me.
Alec’s words play back to me. How he wants to take advantage of this time. I toss my clothes into the basket and turn back for the living room. I’m halfway there when the front door opens and Alec comes in.
I grab the case of water out of his hand.
“Is there a vitamin or a health store around here? I should probably get some protein or something.” I carry the water to the fridge and put it inside. Alec kicks the door closed with his foot and sets the bags on the counter.
“Yeah I think I know where one is. We can head there tomorrow if you want.”
“Cool. I need help getting a little weight on.” It’s not that I’m small, but I’m smaller than I need to be.
“I figured you’d want lots of protein. I grabbed a shitload of eggs and cheese and stuff.”
“Thanks. We’ll run to the bank tomorrow and I’ll grab some cash for you. I didn’t know you were gonna get all that.”
He shrugs. “Didn’t really plan it but it was there. My fridge is empty. Makes sense.”
We play two games of Madden and make it through a movie.
I haven’t touched him the whole time and I’m thinking that’s a really shitty way for us to be enjoying this summer together, so when the credits start rolling, I turn to him. “I really wanna kiss you again.”
Fire blazes in Alec’s blue eyes as he leans toward me. I find that spot on the back of his neck that I like to hold and pull him closer . . . closer. My lips are so fucking close to his and just as I’m about to claim him, a pounding comes from the door, making both of us jerk apart.
“Argh.” I fall back against the couch, moving my junk around so it’s not so obvious I have a hard-on.
“Alec, it’s your favorite you-know-what!” Logan’s voice sounds from the other side of the door making me groan again.
“His favorite what?” I ask.
“He’s being an idiot. I’m pretty sure he means ‘gay guy.’ ” Alec goes to the door and pulls it open.
“What’s up, man?”
“Nothin’. I was out and figured I’d stop by to see what you’re up to.” Logan steps inside the apartment and his eyes land on me for the first time. “Oh. I see what you’re doing.” Still he walks over to the chair and falls into it. “Hey.” He nods his head at me.
“Hey.” I know I’m a bastard when it comes to him but I fucking hate the guy. Hate that he’ll be here and he’s been here and that he’s touched Alec in a way I haven’t. That he’s touched him at all. I hate it as much as I hate the fact that anyone aside from Alec has had their hands on me too.
Logan waits until Alec sits on the couch, before he speaks. “Sorry, man. Didn’t know you had company.”
At first I don’t pay much attention to his words, don’t let them sink in because Alec is sitting a whole hell of a lot farther from me than he was a few minutes ago.
“It’s cool. We’re just hanging out,” Alec replies to him.
It’s those words that catch my attention and make me respond. “Plus, I’m staying here for the summer anyway, so I’ll be around.”
“Only for the summer.” Logan repeats and I start to push to my feet, ready to kick his ass but Alec puts a hand on my leg.
“That’s not cool.” Alec looks at Logan while he’s talking to him. I sit back down.
“I’m just giving him shit.” He looks at me. “Seriously, I’m happy for you guys. Glad you’re together now. I haven’t even known Alec very long but I could tell how much he missed you.”
Ouch. I can’t tell if he did it on purpose or not. And to add to the shittiness, I can’t even say we’re really together. How can we be when Alec and I have both given this a time limit?
“Yeah, how about we don’t do the sharing our feelings thing, ya think?” Alec turns the DVD player off and the TV flips on.
“Guess that means I’m not supposed to tell you about my date?” Logan teases. It should make me feel better that he’s seeing someone but it doesn’t. He’s obviously into Alec. What reason will they have not to hook up when I’m gone?
Reaching over, I hold the back of Alec’s neck. Nerves make my palm tingle but the need to touch Alec is stronger. I’ve never touched him in front of someone like this but Logan’s gay. He knows about us. And
fuck
I just want to remind myself he’s mine, even if it’s only for a short time.
Alec turns his head a little, looking at me out of the corner of his eye. I see the shock there, and I brush my thumb through the hair at the nape of his neck, making him grin.
They talk about people I don’t know and Logan moving to a new apartment. I try to get involved but really I’m looking at Alec sitting so close to me and feeling my hand on him in front of someone else.
It’s not the same as the guys on my team but it’s something.
Logan doesn’t stay too long. Maybe forty-five minutes and then he’s talking about some club he’s going to and out the door.
It was forty-five minutes too long if you ask me.
“You touched me in front of someone.” Alec steps forward.
“I want to touch you again now.”
Alec pulls his T-shirt off. “So touch.”
Instant fucking hard-on.
We both step toward each other. My mouth comes down on his. The kiss is rushed, urgent. Need pulses through me. I’ve spent years wanting my hands and mouth on him like they are now—wanting to feel his skin and know what it’s like to be with him in a way I’ve fantasized about.
I’ve been with a couple girls, but it has nothing on the feel of Alec’s body against mine.
“Bedroom.” I mumble against his neck.
Alec pulls away. There’s a light switch by the door and he hits it. I practically run the five feet to the TV to turn it off and then we’re stumbling down the hall and laughing, in a rush to explore.
I want to explore all of him.
We get to the room and Alec’s hands are pushing up my T-shirt. As soon as it’s gone, I’m kissing him again. And it’s perfect and right in a way nothing else has ever been.
This
is who I am and
this
is who I’m supposed to be with but it’s not the Brandon anyone else knows. Not the one they want me to be or the one I know how to be.
It’s suddenly not enough. I push my hand down the back of his shorts, making Alec moan into my mouth. I want to swallow every sound he makes. Find a way to make them keep falling out of his mouth because I’ll starve without them.
I didn’t even realize I was still backing him up until the bed stops us. He goes down and I’m right on top of him.
Then our mouths are fused again and his hands are all over my back before he’s rolling and moving, until my head’s on the pillows and he’s on top of me.
My eyes fall closed as he kisses my neck, shoulder, before making a trail to the scar on my chest and kissing his way down that too.
“I can’t believe they cut you open,” he mumbles his lips on my scar again.
“Alec . . .”
“Finally. Finally have you here.” His breath brushes across my chest before he kisses me there a third time.
“Wanna feel you. Can I?” It’ll kill me if he says no, but I also realize this is a big fucking deal for us. As much as I hate it I know what went down with him and Logan and I don’t want to push.
“Hell yessss . . .”
He hardly has the chance for a breath after that and I’m pushing him up. Alec’s standing on his knees and I kneel in front of him, my hand shaking as I reach for his shorts.
“I know. Me too.” He touches my hand showing me he gets it. Not that I would expect anything else from him.
It makes it easier for me to push under the waist of his shorts. My heart is pounding harder than it has during any workout. If it’s going to fail on me, this is when it will happen.
But it doesn’t and then my hands are pushing beneath his underwear too and I’m sliding them down his body. My eyes follow the trail of hair down and then his erection springs free.
“Holy shit,” I whisper as I keep pushing his pants down. When I get to his knees I have no choice but to stop because he’s on them.
My eyes don’t want to pull away but I make them find Alec’s face, and he’s looking down, at my hands against his legs and his erection between us.
He looks up at me, fear in his eyes. The need surges inside me to do whatever I can to take it away, so he knows how much I love what I see.
That’s when I touch him. Just a finger at first, running up the length of him. Alec hisses and I wrap my palm around him, hot and hard. My bodies screaming at me, finally,
finally
, I’m being true to what I want.
When my lips come down on his, this time the kiss is slower, my hand stroking Alec’s length while my tongue does the same in his mouth.
Alec pulls his mouth slightly away from mine. “Damn it . . . I’m going to lose it. You have to stop. I’m seriously going to lose it and I wanna see you too.”
Leaning in, I smile, kissing him one more time and proud as hell I’m making him feel like that.
Letting go of him, I get off the bed. Alec lies down and starts to pull his shorts and boxer-briefs all the way off, kicking out of them.
“You’re watching and not moving.” He reaches for me, but I step back.
“Shit. Sorry. Couldn’t help it.” And then I’m pushing my clothes down too, this voice inside yelling at me,
You’re naked with another guy. It’s wrong . . .
But then that other part shoves in. The one that’s letting out that sigh of relief,
You’re being who you are. This is Alec . . .
“Brand, don’t let me lose you. Holy shit you’re sexy. Snap out of wherever your head’s going right now.”
Alec’s voice breaks through my thoughts and I’m throwing my clothes to the floor as he eyes me.
“Come here.” His voice is raspy and I can tell he notices, because he sort of flinches a little.
“I’m here,” I say and then climb onto the bed, and over Alec.
“Oh shit.” My body jerks when he wraps a hand around me, my orgasm already threatening me.
“You feel so good.” His fist slides up and down.
“I’m gonna lose it too. You gotta stop. I want . . . I want us both to enjoy it.”
He laughs. “I’m enjoying myself.”
“I want to try something, baby. Do you . . . do you have any lube?”
“Yeah.” I roll off him. Alec leans to his bedside table and opens the drawer. I can’t help but study every part of his naked body. He’s incredible.
“Here.” He hands it to me and I squirt some in my hands, before tossing it aside.
“I saw this . . . that’s embarrassing, to tell you where I saw it, but come here. Get on top of me.”
Ignoring that I just admitted to watching gay porn, Alec does as I say, leaning on one of his arms, and looking down at me. I wrap one of my hands around Alec and one on me, coating both of us. “Get closer.” I whisper. He does and I take us both in one of my hand, and stroke us together.
“God. Holy shit.” He repeats over and over and then pumps his hips into my hand. I do the same and then start stroking my hand again, jerking us both off together.
It doesn’t take long and until he tenses and I give into the orgasm I’ve been holding off since we first touched each other. We both let loose, Alec coming at the same time I do.
He falls on top of me and we’re sweaty and breathing hard. For the first time in my life . . . I really feel like me.
I lie in bed with Brandon like I have every day for the two weeks he’s lived here. We’re both naked like we usually are when we’re in bed and I can already feel the difference in his body from only fourteen days of actively training.
I’m on my side, my hand on the scar on his chest, while his rests on my hip. I wish like hell we had time for his hand to go lower, to show me how good he’s gotten at it but neither of us get off as quickly as we did those first times, and I have to be at the cabins soon. We might not have had sex yet but we’ve done enough practicing with our hands that it takes longer now.
“You don’t want to go, do you?”
“I didn’t know you were awake.” I roll over and he follows me, leaning on his elbow and looking down at me. He doesn’t reply and I know he’s waiting for me to continue. “Being here with you makes everything feel more real. People don’t know but we’re still really doing it, ya know? Living it, even if it isn’t for good. I think being around Dad is going to make me feel like more of a liar and a fraud than I did before. And if he says something . . .”
“Hey—”
I turn my head and Brandon grabs my face to try and make me look at him. I push his hand away but make eye contact anyway.
“You’re not a fraud. You’re not going to keep hiding. That’s me. Hell, you could be out by now if it wasn’t for me. Don’t be like that.”
On the bedside table, Brandon’s phone vibrates.
“Go ahead and get it,” I tell him rolling away.
“Alec.”
“Get the phone. It’s not a big deal.”
He sighs before reaching over and grabbing it.
“What’s up?” Brandon says.
“We’re taking a boating trip with Dev’s parents’ boat, man. You need to get your ass to South Carolina.” Whoever it is talks so loud, I can hear him.
“Hey, Theo,” Brand replies as I listen to their conversation.
“Don’t ‘hey Theo’ me. I know you and that means you’re going to punk out. There’s quite a few girls I heard talking about kissing your injury to make it better.”
Theo laughs and Brand freezes beside me. It’s nothing compared to how I tense. When I try to get up, he grabs me, holding me tightly. Even though I don’t want to, I risk a glance at him and he shakes his head, like he’s saying “don’t go.”
Still, I watch him slip right back into that number forty-three jersey. “Damn man, sounds like fun but I can’t make it. I have some stuff going on here.”
“You’re always bitching out, Chase. Have some fun. When you get back to school, you’re golden for whoever you want, you lucky bastard,” he tells Brand.
I already have to deal with my dad today, this is the last thing I want to hear. This time when I move, Brandon lets me go. I don’t go any farther than to sit on the edge of the bed, my leg bouncing up and down no matter how much I try to steady it.
Brandon laughs. “Whatever, man. Did you ever stop to think maybe I have something better here?”
He’s saying it for me but I still can’t make myself look at him right now.
“What? Who?” Theo asks.
It’s not like he’s going to tell him that. Still, I listen. “None of your business. I’m out though. Thanks for calling.” Brandon hangs up before Theo can reply.
Brandon touches my back. “Alec—”
“I need to get a shower.” His hand slides off when I get out of bed. I’m not under the spray any longer than a minute when the bathroom door opens, followed by the shower curtain and Brandon is stepping in behind me.
He backs me against the wall and I let him. Buries his face in my neck as my hands dig into his hips.
“I’m sorry. Fuck, I hate this. Why can’t I play ball and have you too?”
“Who says you can’t?” Any other day I probably wouldn’t have said that but I’m already on edge because of working with my dad today.
Brandon stands straight but I don’t let go of him. “All the guys who won’t want to share the locker room with a queer. All the gay guys who wait until after their sports careers are over before they come out. People who get jumped walking down the street. People who think I’m wrong to love you.”
My fingers dig into him tighter. My pulse jacks up a few notches. I’ve always loved him, and even though I’ve never doubted he feels the same, we’ve never said it. It was this unspoken rule. Like it would make things harder because we’ve both probably always known this wouldn’t last.
“I don’t even have a backup plan after football, Al. How fucked up is that? I’m getting a business degree but what would I do with it? I’ve never thought of anything for my life besides playing.”
The part that pisses me off is no one else has either. His parents are great and I know they love him but they’ve never pushed Brandon to think he could do anything but play ball. When he found it, they clung to that and I get it. He’s good at it, and it was the first thing in his life he ever connected to. But what else could he have excelled at? His dad is a fucking professor and I don’t think he ever told him school is more important than ball.
“That’s because no one ever made sure you knew you were bigger than football. And you are, Brand. It’s why I love you.”
The water from the shower mixes with our kiss. I run my hand though his wet hair and he thrusts his body against mine. When I try to adjust, my foot slips and I almost go down, but Brandon grabs me.
“I know I’m a good kisser but didn’t think I’d knock you off your feet.” He grins.
I can’t help but do the same. “Fuck you.”
Brandon leans close to my ear. “Soon . . .” My body tenses because yeah, I’ve thought about it. Hell yeah I want to but hearing him say it is a whole different story.
“Now stop distracting me. We need to clean up before we go help your dad.” Brandon steps away.
“You’re going?” He hates being around my dad. “It’s a training day for you.”
He shrugs. “Don’t want you to deal with him alone.”
The sun beats down on my bare back as I drop a load of wood where Brand and I are helping Dad build the new fence. It’s off to the right of the lake, close to the office and house where Charlie’s dad lives. They store a lot of the equipment in here but the wood’s getting old and rotting out.
Sweat drips down my forehead, as Brandon looks up at me from where he’s kneeling down beside me. I don’t know how he’s wearing a shirt out here—wish he didn’t give a shit about the scar running down his chest.
“You have dirt on your face.” He stands and reaches out, smiling, his hand moving close to my cheek.
“You wipe his ass for him too?” Dad laughs and Brandon drops his arm, his eyes wide as though he can’t believe he almost did that.
“Was just going to point to it,” Brandon mumbles as I wipe my face with the back of my hand.
Dad grunts. “How’s the training going?”
Brandon pushes the shovel into the dirt, digging another hole for the posts. “Good. Alec helps a lot.”
I know he’s trying to stand up for me the best he can but I wish he wouldn’t have said it.
Dad crosses his arms. “Yeah, he was pretty good in high school. Alec’s problem is he loved it but he treated it like a game. Wasn’t serious about it. He didn’t have the determination to try and make it anything more.”
It’s because I thought I could hide easier staying here and working at the cabins. I thought I could marry Charlie and be happy.
In that way, I’m like Brandon only I realize now I can’t hide it forever. I don’t want to. Brandon might.
“Maybe that’s because he doesn’t need it to define him.” Brand shrugs. “He’s bigger than football.”
The shovel drops out of my hand but Brandon doesn’t flinch—doesn’t look up from digging his hole. That rush he always gives me, takes over, pummeling through me in a way only Brandon brings out in me.
I want to tell him he’s bigger than football too. I want him to believe it.
Dad’s shoulders set as he looks down at Brandon. The wheels turning in his head, making my heart feel like it will burst.
So I laugh. “Nah, but thanks for the vote of confidence. Dad’s right. I just didn’t want to put out the energy.”
This time it’s Brandon who tenses. The shoveling stops and he looks over at me. There’s a tic in his jaw that probably only I would notice.
“That’s all right!” Dad’s hand comes down on my shoulder. “You’ve always belonged in Lakeland Village anyway. One day this will be yours—yours and Charlie’s but who knows if she’ll even want a piece of it, being off in New York and all.”
That’s always been okay with me. I don’t hate it here, but I don’t love it anymore either.
As I’m about to reply, there’s a giggle from the lake. Without looking I know who it is. Ever since Brandon and I got here this morning, a couple girls have been sitting by the dock in bikinis. They keep getting closer to us and every time I haul a load over, I feel their eyes on me.
“You guys have some attention.” Dad gives me this playful shake like he wishes he were my age again.
How disgusted would he be if he knew they did nothing for me? That I’d rather kiss, and touch Brandon? That the hardness of his body does more for me than the softness of their curves ever could?
“This one’s about ready for a post.” Brandon pushes the shovel deep into the dirt, with more strength than he probably needs to.
I watch his muscles flex as he works, wanting nothing more than to get out of here—with him.
It’s after four by the time we’re almost finished. Dad drags Brandon off for a little while to help with something while I’m putting some last minute touches on the fence. I don’t turn when I hear footsteps behind me, figuring it has to be them or Charlie and Nate.
“Hi.”
My insides freeze at the female voice. It has to be one of the girls from earlier. I thought we’d been in the clear when they went inside.
“Hey.” I don’t look their way, just continue to hammer, hoping she’ll leave.
“Are you from here? My cousin and I are renting one of the cabins.”
I let out a breath and turn. She’s blond, wearing a jean skirt and a short shirt. The other girl, who must be her cousin, is with her too but she hasn’t said anything.
“Yeah, I’m local.”
Her eyes skate up and down my body. “I’m Dee. This is my cousin Rachel. Her parents used to come here and they rented us the cabin to help Rach get over a break up.”
“What the hell?” Rachel hits her arm.
“What? It’s true.” Then she looks at me again. “Obviously it’s not helping and we don’t really know what there is to do around here. I was thinking maybe you and your friend could show us around. I figure we came here to have some fun, and the best way is help from someone who knows where to find it.”
I won’t be any fun for you.
“Not me. Her.” Rachel shakes her head. “I’m planning on getting back together with my boyfriend.”
Dee smiles. “Okay, well then maybe
you
can show
me
.”
I feel like a fist slammed into my gut—words that have no business threatening to come out, at the tip of my tongue.
I’m with Brandon. I don’t want to go anywhere with anyone except him.
Until he’s gone . . .
“I wish I could help you out but my buddy and I have some stuff we need to take care of. We’re heading out in a few minutes.”
“Oh.” Her nose crinkles like she’s never been turned down before. She’s beautiful. I’m sure she hasn’t.
“Hey.” My eyes flash behind Rachel and Dee at the sound of Brandon’s voice.
“Are you guys enjoying your stay?” Dad asks, his voice all business but I know he’s also hoping to find out if I’m making plans with them.
“We are. We were just asking . . .” Dee looks at me and I realize I didn’t even tell her my name.
“Alec.”
“We were asking Alec if he could show us around, but I guess he has plans with his friend tonight.”
“Yeah, sorry about that.” Brandon steps up beside me.
“You guys can’t take a night off from training to show the ladies a good time?” Dad eyes me.
Heat radiates off Brand. He’s tense beside me, partially because he doesn’t know how to handle this, but I also think he’s wishing Dad didn’t mention training too. Throwing out that he’s an Ohio football player is the easiest way to get a girl.
“We have an appointment. We’re meeting with a trainer,” he lies.
“Oh, bummer. Maybe some other time then?” Dee asks.
“Yeah, maybe. We’ll be around.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I want them back. The last thing I want to do is lead her on.
Rachel and Dee say good-bye and hardly make it out of hearing distance when Dad turns on me. “You kids are a whole hell of a lot different than I was at your age. Football’s important but there’s no way we would have walked away from an opportunity like that. You’re young. You should be having fun. What kind of man walks away from a woman like that?” He shakes his head, honestly not understanding me. But then he wouldn’t.
“Brandon’s training camp’s coming up.”
“And he can’t work out without you? Christ, you two have been attached at the hip since he’s been here.” He turns to Brandon. “I get it with you. You’ll be outta here in a few weeks but”—he looks at me—“you I don’t get. Not many girls like them ’round here.”
“I—” Anger burns through my chest.
“It’s my fault. He knows I need to train. I don’t have a car or anything so he’s just trying to help me out.” Brandon’s mouth is tight as he speaks. One of his hands is fisted.
“Crazy kids.” Dad shakes his head and walks toward the office.
“Let’s go.” I drop the shovel to the ground. It doesn’t matter that we’re not completely finished, I start walking to my truck anyway. My head’s pounding so hard it hurts my eyes.
I need to get the fuck out of here before I explode.