Authors: Nyrae Dawn
I’m going to throw up. My brain keeps telling me it won’t matter. My parents aren’t the type who make homophobic slurs like Alec’s dad. They’ve always been fairly liberal, saying everyone has the right to live how they want to.
But I think it’s different when the “everyone” in question isn’t their son. Who wants this for their children? And as much as I hate it, I can’t stop thinking that I don’t want to let them down. That I want them to be proud of whom I am. But loving Alec shouldn’t change that. It doesn’t mean it won’t, though.
Still, I have to do this too. I have to do it for Alec. For me. For us.
Mom sort of cocks her head at me, her eyebrows crinkle, the look on her face saying she knows this is more than just important. I’ve never come to them and said I need to talk. It’s always been easier to just pretend everything is okay. There’s already too much lying in my life though and I need to be honest about who I am in as many places as I can.
“Sure, Brandon. Let me go get your father.” She turns and heads for Dad’s office. The second she’s out of sight, I face Alec.
“Tell me we can do this, Al. Tell me we need to.”
My hands are shaking so I shove them in my pockets, trying not to look any weaker than I’ve proven I am.
“We can do this.”
At that I pull one shaky hand free, hold the back of his neck and press our foreheads together. “We got this,” I whisper.
“We got it.”
We pull away just as Mom and Dad round the corner from the side of the stairs and make their way into the living room.
Nodding my head toward the couch, I say, “You can sit down.”
“Brandon, what’s going on? You’re scaring me. Did something happen at the doctor?” Mom’s eyes are wide, frantic. Dad grabs a hold of her hand.
“No, it’s not my health. I swear. Everything’s okay there.”
Mom nods and Dad sits, pulling her with him. My feet won’t stop moving though, carrying me back and forth as I pace in front of them. They only stop when Alec grabs my wrist and nods toward the dark blue couch across from my parents before he walks over and sits.
Yeah. Sitting. That sounds good, so I go down beside him. My leg bounces up and down and all I can think is it did the same thing before I told Nate I’m gay. That was almost two years ago and I’m still losing my shit like this? That thought is what makes me lift my head to meet my parents’ eyes. Fear and worry radiate off them and I can’t help but think they have to be relieved when I tell them I love Alec. Things could be so much worse than that.
After pulling a deep breath in, I let it out before saying, “I’m kind of . . . gay.”
Silence is all that meets me.
“I mean, just gay. Not kind of gay. I . . .” My words trail off when Alec reaches over and puts a hand on my leg. I still have no idea how they’re going to reply but this weight drops off my shoulders, because I was man enough to get the words out. Because he’s strong enough to stand by me.
“Gay? I don’t understand, Brandon.” Mom’s eyes are already getting glassy.
Dad’s are directly on me. “I think it’s pretty self-explanatory, honey.”
If this were any other conversation, I’d laugh at Dad’s words. But it’s not and this is important. I have to get the words out.
“I’m with Alec . . . I’m in love with him. I have been since we first went to The Village.”
The tears are free now, rolling down Mom’s face. Dad wraps an arm around her.
“I love him too.” Alec’s voice is quiet, yet strong.
“We’ve tried to walk away. Tried not to feel it but . . . it wouldn’t go away. I can’t fight it anymore. We wanna really be together now.”
At that Mom turns, buries her face in Dad’s shoulder, her own shaking up and down, soft cries hitting me. Dad shushes her, that urge to vomit crawling up my throat again.
I made her cry. They’re disappointed. Disgusted. They’re going to walk away from me or want me to walk away from Alec.
“I would do anything for him. I don’t want him to lose football. We’re going to keep it quiet. No one else will know.” There’s desperation in Alec’s voice now, trying to make things better for me. And as hard as this is, that gives me strength—that kind of loyalty.
Mom cries harder and Dad looks over her head at me, looking older than I’ve ever seen from him. When Alec’s hand moves toward mine, I link our fingers together.
Together.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry . . .”
Her head jerks off Dad’s shoulder. “Don’t. Don’t you dare apologize to me for that, Brandon. I don’t ever want you to apologize to me for who you are, do you hear me?”
I sit up straighter, the nausea weakening as Alec holds my hand tighter. “What?”
It’s Dad who answers. “We’re your parents, Brandon. I’m not going to pretend we’re not shocked but we love you. You being gay doesn’t change that.”
Letting go of Alec’s hand I bury my face in mine.
We love you. Being gay doesn’t change that.
“It doesn’t?” I can’t help but ask.
Mom scrambles out of Dad’s arms and before I know it she’s kneeling on the floor in front of me. “No. Absolutely not. We will
always
love you. Always. Are we clear on that?”
I nod my head and then she’s pulling me into her arms. I try like hell to fight it but can’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes. Dad’s arms wrap around us both, and we’re all hugging and two words repeating over and over in my head.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I have no idea how long we’re all like that but when they finally let go of me, I turn to the couch to find Alec and he’s gone. My eyes dart around the room, before landing on him, leaning against the wall by the entryway.
He looks over at me, all blond hair and blue eyes and smiles. Stepping around my parents, I can’t stop myself from going to him. From pulling him to me. His hands tighten in my shirt and I cup the back of his head.
“Didn’t want to intrude.” His face is in my neck.
“Want you with me. All the time.”
Before I embarrass myself by getting all weepy again, I pull away. Mom’s wiping her eyes behind me. “I’m thinking we need to have a drink before we continue this conversation.”
A laugh tumbles out of my mouth again. My mom doesn’t say shit like that.
A couple minutes later, the four of us are at the kitchen table, rum and cokes in hand. Mom and Dad don’t pull any punches; Dad starts the questioning. “Why didn’t you ever tell us?”
How do you explain something like this to someone who’s never experienced it? “I guess for a while I hoped it wasn’t true.”
Mom takes a drink at that.
“When I realized it was, I was scared and embarrassed. I know it sounds stupid but that’s how it feels.”
“It doesn’t sound stupid, Brandon, but again, I want to be sure you understand that we love you no matter what, okay?” Mom sets her glass down and I nod. “I hate the thought of you holding this in. Does anyone else know? Was there anyone else before Alec?”
He shifts in his seat next to me.
“Nate and Charlie found out later on. And no . . . I mean, I knew before Alec but he’s the only one.”
Dad wrings his hands together. “And you boys have been . . . together for a long time?”
“Off and on, I guess. The first summer we met, we were just friends mostly but we both kind of knew, ya know? We kept talking all year and then the second summer, we really started to accept it.”
“You’ve had girlfriends in that time, Brandon.” Mom’s voice cracks on my name.
“Not really. I made most of them up. I went out a few times just so the guys on the team would get off my back, but Alec knew and I didn’t go out with anyone more than once. It got too hard and we broke it off—
I
broke it off my sophomore year. We didn’t talk until Alec came to be with me after the accident.”
I practically see the gears start to shift into place in both my parents. They know Alec came because I needed him. That he’s the reason I suddenly started getting better that weekend. That he could do something for me that no one else could.
Mom downs the rest of her drink then sets her elbows on the table, her head in her hands. “You’re my son. I should have known. I should have seen it. Known you were hurting. You’ve been in love with someone for years and I didn’t know. A good mom would have known . . .”
“No! It’s not your fault. No one knew. I kept it a secret. I made sure no one knew.”
She frowns, shaking her head. “You shouldn’t have dealt with it alone.”
“He had me . . . I know it’s not the same but we had each other.” Alec doesn’t look at either of them as he speaks. For the first time, my parents really look at him, study him in a way they never thought to do all these years.
“You’re right,” Mom finally says. “I’m glad he had you, Alec.”
At that he looks up at them, “Thanks.”
After that we make another drink and my parents ask more questions. We tell them about our plan to pretend to be roommates—that we’re not telling anyone else, especially my team.
“You don’t feel like you can tell them?” Dad asks.
“No. No way.” He doesn’t get what it’s like. He’s never been into sports. He hasn’t been in the locker room and heard the shit people say. “Not yet. We wanted you guys to know but no one else.”
Mom bites her bottom lip. “I think honesty is important here. I’m not going to pretend I’m not scared for you both. I don’t know if you realize how hard it’s going to be to pretend—”
“We’ve been doing it all summer,” I interrupt. “And in a lot of ways, longer than that.”
“The more time that passes, the harder it will be. It’s not going to be easy on either of you. And I don’t know if this is the right thing for me to say or not but I worry if people know, too. I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to hide who you are. Either of you. But the world isn’t always a kind place. You might have to make some very important decisions in the near future. Your dream has always been a career in football. The draft is less than a year away. What happens when you go to a team? How will you explain your ‘roommate’ moving with you? Is it going to be harder to come forward then, compared to now?”
A heavy silence fills the room, and an ache builds inside me. It’s not something we haven’t thought about but hearing someone else say it makes it more real.
Not sure what else to do, I shrug. “We have to try, Mom . . . I love him.”
She tries to hide the fact that she’s crying again, quickly wiping her eyes. “And we’ll be here to support you whatever you decide.”
“Thank you.”
We all push to our feet after that. Dad hugs me. “I’m proud of you, Brandon. And I love you.”
For the first time in my life, I’ve done something to make him proud besides ball. Funny how it’s the one thing I hide from the world that does it.
Mom hugs me next. “No more secrets. We’re a family and we deal with everything together. I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom.”
She surprises me by going to Alec next. “Your parents don’t know?”
“No,” he replies.
She pulls him into her arms. “If you want us to be with you when you tell them, we will, okay? My son loves you and you’ve been there for him when no one else was. That makes you family and we love you too.”
Alec hangs on an extra second when Mom hugs him. “Thank you . . . thank you,” he whispers.
When they part, I don’t hesitate when I grab his hand. “We’re going to head to bed. Maybe we can finish talking in the morning.”
“Yeah . . . yeah sure.” Mom stumbles over her words slightly. Dad looks embarrassed but neither of them says another word.
“Good night,” I tell them, before walking up the stairs with Alec, the way I’ve always wished we were able to do.
Brandon’s upstairs with his mom when his dad finds me. My first thought is,
Shit, almost made it,
because we’re leaving in just a little while. I don’t know why I figured he would want to talk to me. How could he not? When your son comes to you and says he’s gay and you never knew it, I think most guys would want to figure out what the hell is going on.
Brandon’s dad is cool, but cool or not, I’m sure he’s still trying to wrap his head around this.
After sitting on the couch beside me, he says, “This is even harder than the safe sex conversation I had with the boys when they were kids.”
I try to laugh because it’s pretty funny. My nerves make it too tough, as I wonder what he’s going to say. If maybe they aren’t as understanding as they let Brandon and I believe last night or what.
“Bad time for a joke, I guess.” He fidgets.
“Eh. I appreciate the effort.”
“I know we talked about this last night but I hope you boys realize how hard this is going to be.” There’s nothing in his voice except seriousness.
“No offense, sir, but we’ve been dealing with it most of our lives. Even before we met each other. We get that it’s hard. At least this way, we can deal with it together.”
“That doesn’t mean it won’t be a struggle, especially with Brandon playing football. I’m not trying to scare you or talk you out of it.” He rubs a hand over his face. “I hate that my son has been carrying this around with him. That he was afraid to tell us but I feel like it’s my responsibility to be honest. It’ll be hard to hide how you feel and times when you’re angry at each other that you have to do it. The football field isn’t the only place Brandon’s been known to rush.”
His second attempt at a joke doesn’t make me smile any more than the first one. “Rush? With all due respect, Brandon and I have been important to each other as long as Nate and Charlie have but you didn’t tell them they rushed.”
“You’re right but until last night you and Brandon hadn’t even been honest with your own families about who you are. You still need to talk to yours. You guys broke up almost two years ago and didn’t talk until just recently and now you’re moving in with each other and have this plan of being together, yet playing it off as something it’s not. It’s a huge step and I want you both to be ready.”
I shrug because a part of me knows he’s right. Still . . . “We love each other. We’ve denied ourselves for years. Don’t we deserve to be happy? Just because some people don’t understand, does that mean we shouldn’t try and find a way to have each other?”
He shakes his head. “No, no it doesn’t. And I’m proud of you both. We’ll support you guys in whatever you do. You’ve been around for a long time, Alec. I’m glad two of my boys have found such good kids to love. I just want you prepared.”
With that he pats me on the shoulder. I appreciate the hell out of what he said in some ways but I want to tell him he’s wrong in others. We’ve already been denied too much. We’ve already hurt and suffered enough that we’re due for a little easy happiness. I have to believe that. Screw anyone who doesn’t feel the same.
“Thank you. I appreciate you telling me how you feel.”
“We’re here for you, son. Both of you, no matter what, okay?”
Even though I don’t agree with everything he said, I’m thankful for him. For both Brandon’s parents. Maybe this is a good sign. Maybe there’s a way my dad will understand too.
“I thought your mom was taking us to the airport.” I toss my bag in the cab of Brand’s truck before turning around. When I do he’s right in front of me, and stepping closer.
“I’m not ready to go home yet.” He comes even closer until his body is aligned with mine.
“Can you not give me a boner when your mom could be looking out the window?”
Brandon laughs, pulling back. “Can you not mention hard-ons and my mom in the same sentence?”
“Deal.” I grab the front of his shirt and pull him toward me even though I just wanted him to back away. “Let’s not go home.” It took him mentioning it but I feel the same. Right now everything is perfect and I want to hold on to that. Not only are we going to be together but his parents are okay with it. I want to revel in it.
“We’re not.”
“Where we going?”
“It’s not too far from here. It’s actually kind of like The Village except the cabins are a lot farther away from each other. I figured we should celebrate.”
He raises his eyebrows. Looking at him, it’s obvious how happy he is. “Celebrating is good.”
Brandon sobers for a second. “People always looked at me and thought I had everything I wanted. Football, money, good family, girls but I was always fucking screaming inside, ya know? Now”—he shrugs—“I don’t know how I feel about ball but I can’t even let it bother me. I feel like I’m me for the first time. My parents know who I am and they’re okay with it. And I have you. It’s like I want to tell people
now
I have everything I could want. None of the bullshit was real before. It is now.”
It’s impossible not to let his words pump me up even higher than I’d been. He’s right. We’re right. And he just voiced exactly how I feel. “I’m really wishing you didn’t have neighbors because I’m dying to touch you.”
Brandon winks. “Then we need hurry our asses out there where there’s no one to interrupt us.”
When I push him, Brandon laughs. I’m doing the same as I climb into his truck. Brand goes to the other side and then we’re on our way.
The two-hour drive is pretty quick. We head to the office where Brandon goes in for keys and then we drive farther out to our cabin. It’s tiny, surrounded by trees. Brand parks off to the side and I see a ton of open space in the back.
“I’m paying you for half of this.” It couldn’t have been cheap to rent. Just looking at it from the outside I can tell it’s a whole hell of a lot nicer than the cabins back home. But it also means I need to figure something out about cash soon because I’m running out of it.
“Cool.” Brandon jumps out of the truck and I get out behind him. We grab our bags and then head up the stairs. He unlocks the door.
There’s a fireplace, not that we’ll need it, and a huge flat-screen TV on the wall, which we probably will need. The couch is black leather. There’s a small kitchen and a couple doors off the living room, which I assume are to a bedroom and whatever else.
Neither of us move and I’m not sure why. “Feels kind of weird, huh?”
“Yeah.” He slips a hand in my back pocket. “I swear I’m not trying to be romantic. I just want you alone.”
I push him and Brandon stumbles and laughs, his hand sliding out of my pocket. As soon as he says it though, I feel a little lighter. His answer feels like
us
. Even looking at him turns me on and I love touching him but what Brand and I have always been about is just having fun. Sports, working out, talking shit to each other.
“Sappy bastard,” I tease him before I drop my bag and grab his hips and pull him to me.
“I’d say I’m trying to score points so I can get into your pants but I’ve already been there.”
“And I can’t wait to get into yours tonight.” Leaning forward, I go in like I’m going to kiss him, instead nipping his bottom lip with my teeth before walking away. “Let’s go. We should explore or something.”
Brandon groans. “Argh. You can’t say something like that and expect me not to want you right now.”
I only laugh as I head toward the sliding glass door in the back. We might not be out but times like this everything is perfect. If this is what we have to look forward to, there will be no complaints from me.
It’s hot, the air wet. I took my shirt off a long time ago, letting it hang out of the back pocket of my cargo shorts. Brand has his in his fist as we make our way through the woods. He doesn’t take it off when other people are around but he often has it off when it’s just me.
“It’s different here than back home,” I tell him.
“I’m used to both of them so it all feels the same to me. We’ve come out here every once in a while since I was a kid.” He wipes some sweat from his forehead.
“So you could have easily stayed closer to home and never come to Virginia.”
Brand shrugs. “Guess it was meant to be. Nate and I were so pissed that first year. Actually, I’m pretty sure I told my parents we could just come here. We actually lived closer to here before we moved.”
Nate had some trouble in school after the first summer we spent together. Nothing he did wrong. Like always it was Nate doing the right thing but when the right thing got star athletes from his school in trouble, people got pissed.
“What about the second summer? Did you ask to come here instead of Virginia then?” He looks at me and I wink.
“You know I didn’t. Stop trying to fish for compliments.” I hook my finger in one of the loops on his shorts before he continues. “I thought about it. I was scared as hell to see you again. It didn’t stop me from wanting it though. Nate and my parents thought I was pissed because we had to leave home again. Really it had to do with seeing a guy again who made me feel shit no girl ever could.” He stops walking and grabs ahold of the back of my neck. “And hell, I hadn’t even kissed you yet.”
“You didn’t know what you were missing.” I smirk.
“Cocky.”
My body temperature rises even more when I think he’s about to kiss me. Instead Brandon lets go. “Come on, baby. We’re almost there.”
This time it’s me who’s groaning, left hard and horny.
Brandon leads me to a small lake. There’s no one around, just like he promised. Still neither of us wants our junk hanging free in the water so we swim in our boxer-briefs.
We’re out there a few hours, screwing around in the water before we get dressed and hike our way back to the cabin. Brandon pulls out a football he must have grabbed at his house and we play ball for a while, tackling each other when neither of us needs to. It’s only to feel his sweat-slicked skin on mine, and the weight of him—hard and muscular when he falls into me.
This particular time, I don’t stop myself from threading my hand in his hair and pulling his face down to mine. Brandon’s mouth opens up for me as I dip my tongue inside. Like always we go from zero to sixty in about two seconds flat and he’s pushing against me, his erection rubbing mine.
No worries bog my mind down. No one’s here to see us. We can do whatever we want. We’re together and we’re going to stay that way. His parents know and they support us. It’s more than we’ve ever had.
I push my hand down the front of his pants as Brandon’s lips move to my neck.
“Oh, fuck you feel good. How did I ever get by without having you?” He thrusts into my hand.
“You have me now.”
My hand keeps stroking and Brandon keeps moving. Soon he’s tensing and I feel wet warmth in my hand. Brandon rolls off me. We’re both lying on our back, looking up at the blue sky.
“Holy shit, I didn’t expect that. I can’t believe you just jacked me off in the backyard.”
At that, I can’t help but laugh. I can’t believe it either. “We’re here. Might as well take advantage, right?”
Brandon rolls over, looks down at me, and smiles. “I guess it’s my turn to take advantage of you.”
After we get cleaned up, Brandon runs to a convenience store to grab something to grill for dinner.
There’s a couple missed calls from my dad. Even though I don’t want to, I call him back.
“Where you been? I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for days.”
As though he can see me, I shrug. “It’s been busy at work. What do you need?” Going to Ohio with Brandon is already a lot, so I didn’t tell him about New York.
“It’s been pretty crazy around here lately. We had some pipes blow in one of the cabins. We’ve gotten a little behind and I wanted to see if you could come out and help. It’s been hard as hell without you here much this summer.”
My stomach drops out. I’ve worked at The Village every summer my whole life. It’s always been a second home to me and I know how busy it gets. He thinks I’ve been working all summer while I’m really just leaving him out to dry.
“Yeah, no problem. I think I have a few days off in a row. I’ll call you after I check my schedule.”
But I won’t have much time before I go to Ohio for camp with Brandon.
“Thanks. I need to run. Talk to you soon.” Dad doesn’t wait for me to say good-bye before he hangs up.
As he does, the door opens and Brandon comes in. “I just got some chicken and a salad. Is that cool? I don’t want to fluctuate my weight too much before camp.”
“No worries.” I push off the couch wearing nothing except a pair of basketball shorts. Brandon hands me the bag with the meat before he goes to the kitchen and starts putting the salad stuff away.
“It’s already marinated,” he calls as I’m opening the slider.
“Cool. Sounds good.”
We sit on the back deck and barbecue. They have a kick-ass grill off to the right side and on the other end, there’s a hot tub.
We cook and then eat, finishing right as the sky starts to darken.
“Wanna get in the hot tub?” I ask Brandon.
“Sure.”
He laughs before taking the top off. It’s not long before we’re both climbing in. It’s dark out here with just the porch light and the little dots of silver in the sky. Brandon and I are sitting next to each other, one of the jets massaging my back.
Looking over, I see the raised skin of his scar running down his chest. With my finger, I trace it. “I forget sometimes. Then I look at it and I remember how close you came to dying. Besides the scar, you can’t even tell, Brand. You got it all back, just in time for football.”
“
We
. You helped. I was being a lazy, piece of shit. I hate that. It’s not me.”
No, it isn’t.
“You’re you now.”
Brandon moves in front of me, sort of floating in the water, with his hands on my sides. “I almost told them, Al. I don’t know why I didn’t. It should have been so fucking easy to tell my parents that I’m not sure about football. But . . .”
“You didn’t want another strike against you. You just told them you’re gay. You still think that’s all you’re good at. Or maybe it feels safe—a part of you who’s still who they want you to be, even though you’re gay.”