Rush (2 page)

May

One and a half years later

My cell rings, jerking me out of sleep. My heart jumps, that little voice in my head saying it’s never a good thing to get a call in the middle of the night.

Fumbling, I grab my phone off the small table by my bed and freeze, staring at the name lighting up on the screen. When it goes off again, I almost drop the stupid thing, but then my hand tightens, determined I can handle this. So what if he’s calling for the first time in almost two years?

“Yeah.” My voice is raspy from sleep, and I fight to make sure I sound like I don’t give a shit. At least I shouldn’t. Not after all this time.

Silence meets me.

Worry makes my throat tighten. Why he’s calling? Did something happen? There’s not really another excuse for him to try and get a hold of me anymore.

“Brand—Brandon. What is it? Is it Charlie?” What the hell would I do if something happened to my best friend?

“Shit,” Brandon mumbles, the word making me want to break something. It means he didn’t plan to talk. He would have hung up, but now he knows I’m worried about Charlie. “Charlotte’s fine. Nothing’s wrong with her. I needed . . . Never mind. I’m being fucking stupid. I have to go. She’s fine.”

And then the line goes dead.

“Shit!” My hand squeezes my cell. I’m doing everything I can not to throw it across the room. Pushing up, I sit with my legs hanging over the bed. I drop my cell so I don’t break it.

Or call Brandon back.

I slam the door on the thought of calling Charlie. No matter what, Brandon wouldn’t lie to me about her. If he said she’s fine, she is. So what would I say? That Brandon called me in the middle of the night, and he’s still such a part of me that I needed to talk? That after all this time with nothing from him—after how I won’t talk to Charlie about him or how I didn’t want to hear about him from her or Nate when they came back from New York last summer—that I’m all on edge after one call?

Fuck that.

I’m not doing this anymore. He’s been the only person on my mind since the first time he came to Lakeland Village when I was fifteen. Five and a half years is enough.

I lie back down, wishing for sleep that won’t come. Trying not to remember the sound of his voice. How it was almost broken, like his voice box hadn’t been used in a while. And try to forget how he said nothing was wrong with Charlie but didn’t say the same for himself.

What’s the point? He’s made it clear I’ll never be worth the sacrifice. That I’ll never be the one he’ll let himself really want.

“Let me come over tonight?” Logan asks, as we stand in the parking lot of where I go to college—a whole half hour from Lakeland Village, where I’ve lived all my life.

On reflex, my eyes scan the area to make sure no one heard him. When I look at Logan again, he rolls his green eyes. “Even if someone heard me, Alec, they’d just think we’re friends. I don’t go to school here, so they don’t know I’m gay, remember? Chill out.”

“Funny, I thought we
were
only friends.” He flinches, making me want the words back. He doesn’t deserve me being an asshole.

Logan pushes his black hair out of his face. There’s a little scar by his lip, I try not to pay attention to. He has both his ears pierced and a few tattoos. Logan has this skater look I never would have thought I’d be into but it works on him.

Grinning, Logan taps his shoe to mine. “
I
never said I only wanted to be friends with you. That was
your
rule. I’m biding my time. Sooner or later you’ll come around. You liked what I did to you, Alec. You liked having my hands on you. I know you did.”

Damn it. I did.
Even hearing him talk about it, my body starts to react. Heat shoots through me, the urge to have him touch me again, hitting me full force.

Logan steps closer, lowering his voice, while I fight the urge to walk away. “You don’t have to be ashamed.” The sincerity in his words makes my palms itch with the urge to shove him. He’s not being a prick, even though he has every right to be. Logan’s way more understanding than I deserve. Here I’ve been pissed at Brandon for walking away when I don’t even have the balls for anyone to know who I am either. But for Brandon I would. Even if my own dad hated me, I’d do it for him.

Logan’s voice is even lower when he adds, “We’ll go as slow as you want. Let me show you how good it can be. Just don’t kick me out this time, okay? We could be good together.”

For a second, I let myself wonder if we could be. There’s a part that knows he’s right. He’s patient as hell, I’ll give him that. Not many guys would stick around after my shit. The first time we kissed, I kicked him out of my apartment afterward. I’d never kissed another guy except Brandon and even though on some levels it felt right, the masculinity of him, it was wrong too. He isn’t Brand.

Things went slow after that, a few more kisses, but I always stopped him there. I was a fucking kid when I was with Brandon and we’d never really gone farther than making out. Even though everything inside me knows this is who I am, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. A little part of my brain still wonders if I can change it, or why I don’t want to. Coming out would be like being cut open all the time, everyone seeing what’s inside me. It’s showing parts of me that people will judge me for and maybe even hate me for.

And yet Logan’s still here. He’s out but he gets that I’m not. I figured making him leave after the first kiss, and then the handjob would be too much. What kind of guy loses his shit after getting jerked off?

Someone in denial about it and still hung up on someone else.

“I like you, Alec.” He almost steps closer, but doesn’t. “I also don’t know how long I’ll stick around.”

A fear I don’t expect spikes inside me. Logan’s the only person in the world who knows I’m gay besides Charlie, Nate, and Brandon. It feels good to be . . .
me
, and with someone who likes who that is too.

Do it. Tell him to come home with you. Stop being scared. Stop wanting Brandon.

And that’s the biggest part of this, isn’t it? Brandon. All day I’ve thought about his call last night. I’ve almost called him twenty times, but found a way to stop myself. Why the hell can’t I let him go? I need to be who I’m supposed to be. I look at Logan, at the muscles I like and his strong hands. Unlike Brandon, he wants me.

“What time?” My brain turns off, so I can’t over think this.

“Yeah?” Logan replies.

“Yeah. I—”

My cell phone rings cutting him off.

“Hold up,” I tell him, which makes him roll his eyes again. Charlie’s name pops up on the screen. I can’t get used to calling her Charlotte, which she goes by now. We grew up together, working and spending time at The Village, her family’s lake resort here in Virginia. I’ve called her Charlie since I could talk.

“What’s up?” I say into the phone, trying not to stress that it’s somehow linked to Brandon’s call.

“Alec . . .”

The hairs on the back of my neck rise at the way she drags out my name. Something’s definitely wrong and it has to do with Brandon.

“What happened?” Leaning against my truck, I try to ignore my jackhammering heart.

“He’s okay. I need to tell you that first. Brandon’s okay.”

“What happened?” A vice squeezes my chest.

“There was an accident. He was out 4x4-ing with some of his teammates. They hit a tree and Brandon’s chest hit the steering wheel.”

A sharp pain hits me between the ribs at that.

“I don’t really understand all of it, Alec, but the impact tore one of the arteries that goes to his heart. He had to have heart surgery.”

My fist tightens, my jaw clenches. “Heart surgery?” Holy shit. The world starts spinning. Logan’s hand shoots out and grabs my shoulder. “What?” My voice cracks.

“I didn’t know if I should call you or not. I know that’s wrong. I didn’t want you to hurt anymore, but I don’t know what to do. He’s having a hard time, Alec. As soon as he left the hospital, they were able to bring him home to New York, but he won’t talk to anyone. Nate can hardly get anything out of him. Three of his teammates flew over from Ohio, but he doesn’t want to see anyone.”

He called
me
,
pops into my head and I feel like a prick for thinking it. That shouldn’t matter right now.

“I’m sure he’s scared. Worried about losing football . . .”

And I know what he does when he’s scared—he runs. Closes himself off.

Before he used to talk to me.

“He could have died,” she whispers.

“I’m coming. Don’t tell him, okay? But I’m coming.” It doesn’t matter that there’s still a month left of school or that I don’t really have the money. Nothing else matters.

She says something in the background and I hear Nate say “thank you.” Without a word, I hang up the phone.

“Logan—”

He moves back. “It’s him?”

The only reply I can give is a nod.

“I guess you better go then.”

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” I don’t have time for anything more than that. I fly my piece-of-shit truck back to my apartment and throw some of my stuff into a duffel. I check my bank account before I go, and then head to the airport. On the way, I call the moving company where I work, and tell them there’s a family emergency and I won’t be in for a few days.

Family? Yeah right. They have to know it’s a lie, since all I have is Mom and Dad, but they don’t call me on it.

Because of a delay, I don’t get into New York until early the next morning. If I trusted my truck more, I would have just driven in.

As I’m waiting by the curb, a white BMW pulls up and Charlie steps out of the passenger seat. Her arms wrap around me, and I squeeze her tightly.

“You shouldn’t have waited so long to tell me.” I get the reasoning, but I’m still pissed.

“I didn’t know. We wanted to see what would happen and then when he made it out of surgery . . . I didn’t know the best thing to do. You never wanted to talk about him, and it’s only been a little over a week since he got out of the hospital.”

I would have hated myself if he’d died and I didn’t even know he was hurt. “This is different, Charlie. You know I’d want to know this.” Before I pull away, I kiss her forehead so she knows it’s okay. Then I toss my duffel bag into the back and climb in.

“What’s up?” I say to Nate who’s in the driver seat. Things have never been real great between us. From the first time they summered in Lakeland Village I was jealous as hell of him. He was the first guy who Charlie ever paid attention to other than me. Even back then I knew I felt things toward guys, but no one knew. Charlie was my best friend. I loved her. Things would have been okay with her. I thought I could be happy with her one day and more importantly, I could make her happy too.

Nate changed that for her. The way Brandon changed things for me.

Even though Nate and I are technically cool now, I’m not sure we’ll ever be close.

Still, he turns around before pulling away and tells me, “Thanks for coming . . . My parents are worried. I didn’t know what else to do.”

He’s going to be pissed. If he wanted me here, I would have been here for the past year and a half. “No problem.”

We’re quiet most of the way to their house. A couple hours drive is a long time to be with my thoughts. I can’t stop wondering if it was right to come, how it will be to see him and other shit I have no business thinking about. When we’re close I need to make conversation so I ask, “How’s Joshua?” He’s their little brother. He was born premature the last summer we all spent together—the only one we spent here instead of Lakeland Village. I guess their parents had decided with both their kids going to college, they weren’t ready to be alone yet. So with two boys in college, they also have a two-year-old running around.

“He’s a monster. Healthy and growing like crazy, but a terror,” Nate answers, before killing the engine in their driveway.

“What’d you tell your parents?” I ask. They’re not even my parents and I know they’d still love Brandon if they knew. They don’t talk about “faggots” the same way my own dad does, but I never gave Brandon hell for not being able to tell them. We each deal with being gay in our own way.

“They know you’re his friend. They know you’re Charlotte’s best friend. We said you wanted to come see him.”

I nod before getting out of the car. It doesn’t seem like their parents are home when we get inside their quiet, oversized house. My stomach hurts like hell. It feels like something’s burning its way through. I’m scared to see him. Scared he’ll tell me to go. The first time he walked away stung enough. The last thing I want to do is go through it again.

“He looks pretty bad. I mean, he’s okay, but he has the scar on his chest. He’s already lost some weight because he’s not eating the same or doing anything.” Charlie’s obviously nervous and rambling.

“It’ll be okay.” Really, I’m not sure it will be.
You can do this. Be strong. He’s okay . . .

I know exactly where his room is. I snuck into it a lot, in the middle of the night, that last summer. When we reach it, we all three stop a few feet from his door.

“Mom and Dad shouldn’t be home for a while. If they get here, we’ll make sure they don’t bother you.” Nate leans on the wall, looking a little nervous. I’m sure thinking of his brother with another guy weirds him out.

Nodding, I take a deep breath before going to Brandon’s door, and knocking.

“Tired. Don’t feel like talking,” his voice croaks out. It sounds tired. It sounds broken.

Pushing it open, I say, “I don’t care.”

I actually see him tense but ignore it. Closing the door behind me, I click the lock and walk over to the bed.
Brandon.

He does look smaller, but his dark brown hair is the same, kind of longish and messy. He still looks like the jock football player he is. I used to tease him about that. I’ve always played and loved ball too, but despite his hair color, Brandon always looked like the golden boy, the football player.

The lamp by his bed is on. He’s got his dark blue blanket up to his waist and he’s wearing a white button-up shirt. I see a bandage or something through it.
Because they cut his chest open to fix his heart.