When we discuss the word
responsibility
, for some reason the church community usually thinks primarily of men. Sermons directed at men almost always talk about responsibility; I don’t think I can recall a single time I’ve heard the word used with women —except when I read the Bible.
In Titus 2:4, Paul uses a curious word when talking about older women training younger women to love their husbands. According to Dr. Gordon Fee, “The verb translated ‘train’ . . . is highly unusual, literally meaning to ‘bring someone to his or her senses.’ ” Dr. Fee suggests that in its context the verb may mean “something like ‘wise them up’ as to their responsibilities as wives.”
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Paul had a keen interest in the issue of women’s responsibilities. In his first letter to the Corinthians, he makes clear that marriage gives a very specific responsibility to a very specific person. He assures women that they may live freely as singles and that they have no obligation to marry,
but once they do marry
, they
must
fulfill their marital obligations.
First Corinthians 7:3 – 5 deals specifically with sexual obligations, but the principle applies much more widely. Paul makes it clear that the only way out of a marital obligation is through another person’s consent. The day I got married — and the day you got married — we signed over exclusive rights to our bodies to another person.
We became responsible to them
. This relationship constitutes a
claim
. Because I’m a husband, I am not allowed to do certain things, while certain other things I must do. I can never again act as a single individual, because I renounced my individuality the day I got married. I freely chose to renounce a future “freedom,” and in a sense I enslaved myself with obligation.
For example, when my wife had our first child, I passed up the opportunity to pursue a PhD in England (
somebody
had to earn some money). Later on, as a father with three children, it took me many years to build up the resources to be able to work full-time as a writer; I couldn’t just “pursue my dream” without working two jobs for almost a decade. Because I’m a husband and father, when I was in my forties I turned down a very attractive offer to become a writer-in-residence at a seminary; accepting the position would have required my family to move to a place where they didn’t want to live. About the same time, I also turned down an incredible opportunity to work with what many are saying is the most influential church in the nation because, once again, it would have disrupted my kids’ lives. I say this not in any way to pat myself on the back but to put my comments in context: I’m
not
saying that
only
women must sacrifice. I’m saying that
both
men and women, husbands and wives, obligate themselves to certain sacrifices on behalf of their spouses and children.
Yet we live in a culture that glorifies selfishness more than responsibility. Books and movies urge us to “follow our hearts,” regardless of our commitments. We need to recapture the beauty of responsibility and the glory of faithfulness. A supermodel peaks in her early twenties, while the beauty of a godly, responsible woman grows with each decade. Some women try in vain to preserve a fading past, while others experience the joy of forging a new future. It all depends on what they value the most.
Families crumble because we’ve lost our respect for responsibility. Instead, we allow romantic intensity to enthrall us. Since God created our feelings, they must be good; there must be a divine purpose behind infatuation. Unfortunately, however, we’ve become romantic gluttons. Instead of giving thanks for romance when it comes, we crave it, demand it, and even build our lives around it. We rarely give ourselves the opportunity to experience the more steadfast satisfaction of loyalty, commitment, and responsibility.
This makes us ill-prepared for what God intends through the lifelong commitment of marriage. Marriage is difficult, so much so that we must never force anyone to assume its responsibilities apart from their own free choice. Once we choose that relationship, however, we must fulfill the roles that the relationship demands of us. Our prior decision to take on the responsibilities of a wife or a husband will ultimately determine our ability to pursue other responsibilities — and if we have kids, it takes the situation to an entirely new level.
I have seen firsthand how the strength of a woman can make a major difference in a family and even in a nation. Sometimes, it takes a woman’s strength to virtually shame men into taking responsibility. I think of Deborah assuming the reins in Israel; Esther moving the heart of a king; and the former British prime minister, Margaret Thatcher, telling her male contemporaries essentially that it was no time to go warm and fuzzy — her male colleagues needed to grow backbones in order to effectively confront Communism.
Responsible wives may not mean much to our culture, but the spiritual implications are as precious as they are profound. Ironically, if more women would concern themselves with being responsible instead of obsessing about whether they feel happy, fulfilled, and “important,” we would have a lot more women who are happy and fulfilled — and a much stronger church and world. Jesus says to seek
first
the kingdom of God
and
his righteous ness; when we pursue them, “all these [other] things” will be added as well (Matthew 6:33).
Responsible in the Face of Irresponsibility
My children must grow weary of hearing me say, “Your greatest temptation to sin is when someone first sins against you. But
their
sin never justifies
your
sin.”
This is as true for spouses as it is for siblings. Fighting your husband’s irresponsibility with irresponsibility of your own is like pouring gasoline on a fire; it just makes things that much more explosive, that much worse. The Bible recommends a more subversive approach: let love conquer evil; let responsibility shame irresponsibility.
It’s a spiritual fact that kindness kills wickedness far more effectively than nagging, complaining, or disrespect. Remember, God won us with grace when we were his rebellious enemies. He doesn’t ask anything of you that he hasn’t already done himself. And this God says that we are responsible to love, even in the face of another’s irresponsibility.
Peter wrote, “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9). Did you catch that? We are called to respond to evil with
blessing
. It’s not human nature to be sinned against and think, “How can I bless this person who just hurt me?” But such a spiritually powerful practice yields very effective results. Regardless of how anybody else acts, we are still accountable before God for our response.
Paul elaborates on this in his letter to the believers in Rome: “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse” (Romans 12:14). He then quotes from Proverbs: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head” (Romans 12:20; see Proverbs 25:21 – 22). Jesus said essentially the same thing: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:44 – 45).
The Bible is amazingly relevant and practical for married people! It’s not a “pie in the sky” kind of book that pretends no one will ever hurt us or sin against us. On the contrary, it promises us that we will be hurt and wronged and then gives very specific and practical advice to help us respond appropriately. We bless those who hurt us.
*
We feed those who make themselves our enemies. And over time, such a practice usually succeeds far more in prompting redemptive change than does arguing, complaining, gossiping, or threatening divorce.
In the ugliness of trying situations, the beauty of responsibility shines brighter than ever.
Even if this approach proves ineffective, however, it’s what God calls us to as Christians, and that’s of paramount importance. I love Linda Dillow’s take on this:
I cannot promise you that if you respond with a blessing when you’re hurt or wounded, your husband will change. I cannot promise you a life of happiness and personal fulfill-ment, but I can promise you that you are living according to your purpose and calling as a Christian; you are obeying the will of God and there is peace in obedience. The first reason you are to respond this way is not so that you can secure a hoped-for change in your mate, but because it is God’s desire that you make this kind of response.
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When I respond according to God’s plan, even if the person who sinned against me doesn’t change,
I’ ll
change. It’s a victory either way. When I respond out of spite, repaying evil for evil, two of two things usually happen, both negative: the situation gets worse; and I become more bitter, more resentful, and less like Christ. The brilliance of Christian ity is that God can grow you in an unhealthy marriage as well as in a healthy marriage. He can shape you in prosperity or need, in comfort or stress, in intimacy or loneliness. And intimacy with him is the most precious reward any of us can ever know or experience.
Just as we build our muscles little by little, lifting a bit more weight every other day, so the beauty of responsibility evolves gradually, built up by the tiny, seemingly insignificant decisions we make week by week.
“Would You Change Your Husband?”
This idea of “improving” your husband by patiently serving an imperfect man and living up to your own responsibilities and commitments is actually ancient advice. The famed theologian and moralist Erasmus (1466 – 1536) lived during the Middle Ages. In
The
Colloquies
, he has a section titled “Marriage,” in which he recounts the conversation of two women discussing their husbands. One woman paints a terrible picture of her spouse: he doesn’t provide very nice clothing for her; he’s lazy; he even comes home drunk and vomits in the bed. “I would rather sleep with a brood sow than with such a husband!” she declares.
In response to his earthy behavior and appearance, she attacks him verbally and even, on occasion, physically. She screams at him, berates him, belittles him. “If he won’t treat me as a wife,” she explains, “I won’t treat him as a husband.”
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In essence, she’s saying, “If he’s going to be irresponsible as a husband, then I’m going to be irresponsible as a wife.”
This is a common and often relationally fatal attitude.
This woman’s friend concedes that marriage with such a man must indeed be a trial, but she wonders if perhaps the woman isn’t making a bad situation even worse. “In the first place,” the friend says, “remember you must put up with your husband, whatever he’s like. Better, therefore, to put up with one who behaves himself or is made a little more accommodating by our politeness than with one who’s made worse from day to day by our harshness.”
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This very practical advice, though ancient, has many contemporary applications. You may indeed be married to a difficult man — but is your response making the situation even more difficult? Would you rather respond in a way that makes the situation slightly more tolerable, or would you prefer to give in to your anger and keep making the situation worse? The beauty of
your
responsibility is likely to rub off onto your husband; but even if it doesn’t, it’ll still make your home a more pleasant place and at least testify to your children about what a God-honoring life looks like. If you can’t give your children two godly parents, at least give them one.
Remember, Jesus’ advice is radical. We’re responsible to love even the unlovely (see Luke 6:32 – 36). Such a love can work transforming wonders.
“Would you change [your husband] from drunk to sober, spendthrift to thrifty, idler to worker?” Erasmus’s wise woman asks her friend.
“Indeed I would, but where can I find those arts?”
“But you’ve those very arts in yourself, if only you’re willing to make use of them. He’s yours whether you like it or not; that’s settled. The better you make him, the better off you’ll be. You have eyes only for his failings. These intensify your disgust, and with this handle you’re simply catching him where he can’t be held. Mark the good in him, rather, and by this means take him where he can be held. The time to weigh his faults was before you married him, since a husband should be chosen not only with eyes, but with ears too. Now’s the time for improving him, not blaming him.”
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I love that phrase: “Now’s the time for improving him, not blaming him”! It’s a stark admission — since you’re stuck with him, and since God is still going to call you to live up to your responsibilities and commitments, what are you going to do? Wallow in your misery, or decide to make the marriage more pleasant by your own actions? It may never become as pleasant as you once dreamed; but can you make it more pleasant than it is? Will you rise up and assume this responsibility, or will you shrink back and let things grow even worse?
The frustrated wife goes on to complain about how long this process of change might take, and her friend gently chides her: “Would you shrink from working hard to reform your husband, with whom you might spend your life pleasantly? How much labor men put into training a horse! And shall we be hesitant about laboring to make our husband more tractable?”
“What should I do?”
“I’ve already told you. See that everything at home is neat and clean and there’s no trouble that will drive him out of doors. Show yourself affable to him, always mindful of the respect owed by wife to husband. Avoid gloominess and irritability. Don’t be disgusting or wanton. Keep the house spick-and-span. You know your husband’s taste; cook what he likes best. Be cordial and courteous to his favorite friends too. . . . See that everything is cheerful and gay at home. If he strums his guitar when he’s a bit tipsy, accompany him with your singing. Thus you’ll get your husband used to staying at home and you’ll reduce expenses. At long last he’ll think, ‘I’m a fool to waste my money and reputation away from home on a drab when I have at home a wife much nicer and much fonder of me, from whom I can get a more elegant and more sumptuous welcome.’ ”