If you accept and apply every other strategy in this book and
still
approach your husband like you would a close friend or a daughter, expect to fail. So many books written about men by women fail to address some of the key issues. In my survey of these books, getting a grip on the differences between genders seemed to be “the great divide.” Laura Schlessinger’s book
The Proper Care and Feeding
of Your Husband
(New York: HarperCollins, 2004) succeeds so well because Dr. Laura “gets” what men are like. Many other books give advice that makes most men laugh. Many times I said to myself while reading one of these books, “Only a woman could believe a man would respond
that
way to
that
advice.”
Give Him Time
Here’s another big difference in the male brain that lies at the root of many marital confrontations: neurological studies show that men may take up to seven hours longer than women to process complex emotional data.
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Think of that:
seven hours
! Why this delay? Many physiological facts help to explain it: men have a smaller hippocampus in the limbic system (which processes emotional experi-ences); females have more neural pathways to and from the emotive centers of the brain; and the bundle of nerves that connects the left and right portions of the brain — allowing the processing of thoughts and talk with emotions — is about 25 percent smaller in men than in women.
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Consider the implications. Suppose you have an argument or disagreement just after breakfast, and you take about fifteen minutes to get a grip on why you feel so angry. Your husband may not get to that place until
dinnertime
. But women often find it hard to wait that long; they want to discuss their feelings right away, and they want their husband to discuss his feelings — yet all the while his brain lags behind, stuck in the earliest stages of processing what just happened.
Let me paint a word picture. Let’s say your husband invites you to an evening meeting at church. Just as you pull into your parking place, he says, “Oh yeah, I forgot. The pastor called last week and asked if you’d be willing to give a ten-minute devotional this evening right after worship. I told him I was sure you wouldn’t mind.”
You’d probably be furious with your husband, even if you enjoy giving devotionals. Why? You’d still want time to prepare. You’d feel your husband unfairly put you on the spot. You know what? That’s
exactly
how your husband feels when you quickly click through your emotional processing and expect him to be ready just because you are. He needs time,
much
more time, to get to this point.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard speakers on marriage tell husbands they need to focus more on foreplay when it comes to sex. Well, fair enough. But just as most women need time to warm up sexually, so most men need time to warm up emotionally. Jumping into a complex discussion with your husband is tantamount to his taking you by the hand and wanting to immediately start having sexual intercourse. Remember, men may take up to
seven hours
longer to process complex emotional data.
I read of one late-night argument in which the wife insisted on talking things out before she and her husband went to sleep. Her husband wanted time to think about the issue, but she refused, insisting that they work it out, get through the emotions, and settle it before sleeping. The husband then infuriated her even more by falling asleep in the middle of the conversation.
Understanding brain differences would have helped this couple see that the husband had a legitimate desire to process his emotional response. Certainly, no marriage counselor worth his or her paycheck would recommend falling asleep on your spouse; but in this instance, the wife unfairly insisted on talking through the emotional travail without first giving her husband a chance to work through it on his own. Remember, your husband isn’t as efficient as you are in processing emotional data. It’s simply unfair to push through a resolution just because you feel the need for one.
Leslie Vernick told me that she often hears women protest this advice, saying something like, “Well, the Bible says we shouldn’t let the sun do down on our anger, so that’s why we need to settle it before going to bed.” Leslie provides a helpful corrective: “The Bible never says we have to resolve all differences or problems with our spouse before going to bed. If you’re still dealing with your anger, you can let that go
by yourself
, before going to bed, even if your spouse won’t or isn’t able to discuss the issue until later.”
If a woman responds, “But he
won’t
discuss it later,” Leslie works on helping wives “learn how to bring up something without attacking their husbands and while working on their own heart and approach. Most men are willing to discuss something if they’re not feeling like they’re being pushed into a corner or blamed for something they did wrong.”
Here’s a suggestion: if you have an emotional issue that needs to be addressed, why not give your husband a heads-up several hours before you actually have a chance to talk? “Honey, something’s really been bugging me [or hurting me, or frustrating me, or worrying me]. Here it is in a nutshell. Can you think it over so that we can talk about it later tonight?” By using this tactic, you’ll give him plenty of time to process complex emotional data.
Why Do Men Stonewall?
When a woman doesn’t understand the way a male brain works, she risks fostering an extremely destructive male response, something that researchers call
stonewalling
. Stonewalling describes how men may shut down emotionally and verbally, ignoring you and essentially withdrawing from the conversation. Understandably, few things irritate women more than being tuned out — and yet it is a stereotypically male action.
A biological reason helps to explain what’s going on: “The male cardiovascular system remains more reactive than the female and slower to recover from stress. . . . Since marital confrontation that activates vigilance takes a greater physical toll on the male, it’s no surprise that men are more likely than women to attempt to avoid it.”
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Michael Gurian warns that most men don’t immediately like to talk through distressing emotional events (frustrations at work or in relationships, disappointments in life) because talking about such issues usually brings them great cognitive discomfort. In other words, it
hurts
men to talk through hurtful experiences! Because of the way the female brain works (with the release of oxytocin), talking through emotional issues has a calming effect, while the opposite is true for most men; such discussions can create anxiety and distress. Since it’s more difficult for males to process the data, they feel distress instead of comfort
.
You probably feel soothed by talking through problems; for men, it can feel like torture. That’s why men sometimes tune out; it’s a desperate (though admittedly unhealthy) act of self-defense.
When you understand that a verbal barrage takes more out of your husband than it does out of you, and that it takes him longer to recover from such an episode, you may begin to realize that criticizing, complaining, and displaying contempt will not allow you to effectively communicate with your man. Proverbs 15:1 tells us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”
Dr. John Gottman, one of the nation’s foremost experts on predicting divorce, helps wives understand what often lies behind the stonewalling. When a wife constantly criticizes her husband, acts harshly toward him, and displays open contempt for him, her behavior commonly leads to an explosive situation. This almost invariably causes the husband to shut down. Gottman writes, “Think of the husband who comes home from work, gets met with a barrage of criticism from his wife, and hides behind the newspaper. The less responsive he is, the more she yells. Eventually he gets up and leaves the room. Rather than confronting his wife, he disengages. By turning away from her, he is avoiding a fight, but he is also avoiding his marriage.”
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This last thought is key: you may well be addressing a legitimate issue, but if you address a legitimate issue in an illegitimate way, you’ll turn your husband away from your marriage. He’ll shut you out. You’ll get more frustrated because you realize he’s not listening, which makes you criticize him even more and throw in even more contempt — and his stone wall rises higher and higher and higher.
How can you tell if your husband is falling into this pattern? Dr. Gottman notes, “A stonewaller doesn’t give you . . . casual feedback. He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound. He sits like an impassive stone wall. The stonewaller acts as though he couldn’t care less about what you’re saying, if he even hears it.”
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In Dr. Gottman’s experience, stonewalling usually happens in more mature marriages; it is much less common among newlyweds. It takes time for the negativity to build up to sufficient levels for the husband to choose to tune out his wife altogether. Gottman gives more insight into this issue:
Usually people stonewall as a protection against feeling
flooded
. Flooding means your spouse’s negativity — whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness — is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked. You feel so defenseless against this sniper attack that you learn to do anything to avoid a replay. The more often you feel flooded by your spouse’s criticism or contempt, the more hypervigilant you are for cues that your spouse is about to “blow” again. All you can think about is protecting yourself from the turbulence your spouse’s onslaught causes. And the way to do that is to disengage emotionally from the relationship.
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Instead of reacting with fury, take a breather and ask yourself, “Why is my husband tuning me out?” The answer may have something to do with the way you’re treating him. If you respond to the stonewalling with the same behavior that created it, you’ll only reinforce it. Be gentle, be patient, and give him time.
Emotional Rest
Just as a verbal barrage can overwhelm the male brain, so can an emotional barrage. When a woman “crowds” a man, he starts to panic. The biology of a man’s brain requires that he get occasional vacations from emotional involvement.
Here’s a practical example that may help you understand what I’m trying to say. Many guys have a love relationship with their cars. Women often puzzle over this. Why do guys argue about which piece of metal is more reliable, or which company builds the best engine? Why does a guy buy Chevy stickers or Ford stickers, or name his truck or car? Why will he walk out of a bedroom stuffed with laundry, pass through a cluttered kitchen with dishes piled high on the counter, go through a dining room that needs dusting and vacuuming, and then go outside and wash a vehicle that already looks clean?
I remember, as a young man, bonding with a work truck. I read electric meters for a public utility, and I drove this little yellow truck all summer long. When summer ended and I had to return to school, I felt a need to say a formal good-bye to that truck. It might sound sappy, but we had faced a lot of battles together; we drove through fields, we shared daily lunches, we outran dogs.
Even today, one of my favorite possessions is my Honda CRV. It’s not a fancy vehicle; it’s not a classic vehicle or even a luxury vehicle — but I just love the thing. It’s been so dependable and comfortable. I feel at home inside it.
What’s going on? Why are we males this way? Here’s how Michael Gurian describes the brain biology behind this love affair with metal: “There is a biological tendency for men to seek a set of care objects that allow for brain rest and the pleasure of independent relationship without the stimulation of emotional conversation. A car is, not surprisingly, an object of choice for many men.”
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A car takes me where I want to go without asking me how I’m feeling. A car lets me yell at other drivers without saying, “Why are you so upset?” A car lets me listen to the sports radio program without asking me what color I want to paint the kitchen. My car has never — not even once — asked me if something was wrong or uttered those four famous words, “We need to talk.” And my car is absolutely clear about its needs. I know if the gas tank is full, half empty, or almost completely empty. My car would never respond to my inquiry about how much gas remained in its tank with the words, “Guess,” or “You should know without me having to tell you.”
In short, my car lets my brain rest. I have 15 percent less blood flow to my brain than you do, so my brain needs more rest than yours does. My car understands this. My car respects this.
That’s why I love my car.
It is the rare man who grows in intimacy by being chased. A good, healthy marriage happens
by degrees
. So give your husband space; if he doesn’t feel like talking, every now and then let it go. Don’t even ask him to justify it.
This is especially true after work. Most men need to decompress. Our brains have been working hard all day long. We’ve been solving problems, putting forth our best efforts, and mentally we need some time to crash before we pick up and assert ourselves again. It’s not personal; it’s not a statement about you. Rather, it’s a statement about our brains and their weariness.
One husband told Shaunti Feldhahn, author of
For Women Only
, “I wish I could make my wife understand that sometimes when I don’t talk to her or act like a loving husband, it has nothing to do with how I feel about her. I just sometimes need to be left alone with my own thoughts.”
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