Sacred Influence (12 page)
Second, submission, properly defined, does not mean “inferior.” We are all one in Christ in such a way that you could even say there exists complete sexual equality (see Galatians 3:28). God cherishes women every bit as much as he cherishes men. Women can be every bit as capable, if not more so, than men.
Third, “helper” isn’t an
exclusive
title for a wife. I am called to be a husband — a servant-martyr with regard to my wife — but that doesn’t mean I don’t have other roles God has called me to as well. I’ve sometimes heard biblical submission taught in such a way that it seems as though a woman’s
only
role in life is to please and help her husband. Neither the author of Genesis nor the apostle Paul teaches that. “Helping” may be
a
defining role to which God calls married women, but it’s not
the
defining role.
Finally, the context of submission is
mutual
. Right before Paul instructs wives to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22), he tells all of us to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (verse 21). The wife’s submission to her husband gets placed in the context of a marriage in which a husband is called to be like Christ — laying down his life on her behalf, putting her first, serving her, caring for her, always loving her in the same sacrificial, lay-down-your-life manner in which Christ loves the church (verse 25).
Paul describes an idealistic view of a simultaneous commitment to the other’s welfare. I don’t mean to use “idealistic” in a negative way — certainly every marriage should strive for it. But I also think Paul would be the first to object if he heard women being urged to submit, while condescending and dictatorial husbands heard no corresponding challenge to love in the manner of Christ. The church must not teach the submission of wives
apart from
the sacrificial love and servanthood required of husbands. This doesn’t mean a husband’s lack of sacrificial love
cancels
a wife’s call to submission, but it does make applying this principle a little trickier.
When a man is condescending and dictatorial toward his wife, when he treats her like hired help, when he requires her to dole out sexual favors on demand — the
last
place he should look to justify his lifestyle is the Bible. His actions and attitudes offend God’s revealed will and written Word. This is
not
marriage as God designed it, and it is not what Genesis, Proverbs, and Paul teach regarding the roles of husband and wife.
What, then,
are
these roles?
Complements
The formal theological terms for the two primary views of gender roles within marriage are
egalitarian
and
complementarian
.
*
The egalitarian view sees no such thing as gender roles in marriage. Every couple should make their own decisions about who does what best and then divide up the responsibilities as they base their marriage on individual strengths and weaknesses. In this view, the only God-ordained difference between a husband and a wife is, so to speak, their plumbing.
In the complementarian model, God has given the husband a role of loving servant-leadership. The Bible describes the husband’s role more as one of
responsibility
than as one of
privilege
, however. While New Testament women ministered and even taught, Paul clearly expected men to lead the way at home and in church. This is what many — myself included — believe the Bible teaches in Genesis 3:16; 1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:22 – 32; Colossians 3:18 – 19; and 1 Timothy 2:12 – 14, among other passages.
The complementarian view seems to square better with recent findings in neuroscience about how the male and female brains work. Because of the way guys are wired, a wife’s submission appears to be the most effective doorway to influence her husband. Linda Dillow suggests, “Submission is your only hope of changing your husband. Your husband will change as you allow him to be head of his home and as you are submissive to him. He will not change by your nagging, belittling, suggesting, reminding, or mothering.”
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If your husband senses that you are trying to “take over,” he’ll get defensive, not malleable. He’ll fight for his turf without even trying to understand you.
He won’t hear you if he doesn’t feel as though you
support him.
If you agree that Scripture teaches the complementarian model, you also have to accept that your husband doesn’t have to
earn
his role. The catch is that submission, from a biblical perspective, is determined, not by the worthiness of the person to whom we submit, but by the worthiness of the person who calls us to submit: “Submit to one another
out of reverence for Christ
” (Ephesians 5:21, emphasis added).
It’s worth pointing out that Jesus “submitted” (“was obedient,” Luke 2:51) to his parents, not because they were somehow more worthy than he (since he never ceased being the Son of God), but because this is what his heavenly Father asked of him — to fulfill the legitimate roles of parent and child.
We can assume that when the Bible teaches submission, God knew full well that wives would have to watch their husbands fail and make mistakes. Thankfully, this verse also presents some boundaries. If you submit “out of reverence for Christ,” you are never obligated —
ever
— to do anything that would offend Christ.
I’ll admit that it’s not easy to submit to an imperfect person. That’s why I stress evaluating the character of a future mate when I talk to singles and college students. Feelings fade, but character hangs around. If you’re choosing someone for life, it’s foolish to let feelings override concerns about character.
But hey, from the guy’s perspective, if you think submission is tough, try being the one who’s supposed to
love you like Christ loves the
church
! We husbands have our own challenges. There’s a reason I’m on the road as often as I am — my activity allows Lisa to stay home, where she has always wanted to be (and she told me so before we got married). There’s a reason I try to pray every day, “Lord, how do I love my wife today like she has never been loved and never will be loved?” Just as Christ remains focused and active in his love for us, so he calls me to remain focused and active in my love for Lisa.
Lisa and I have found that by following the complementarian model, based on our understanding of Scripture, we have managed to create a mutually supportive home that affirms each other’s calling in Christ. My role as a spiritual leader doesn’t mean I “rule the roost” with an iron fist; nor does it mean I concern myself with “men’s work” while Lisa concerns herself with “women’s work.” On any given Sunday morning rush hour in our home, you’d be far more likely to find me ironing Lisa’s clothes than Lisa ironing mine. Lisa handles all our financial transactions, tax returns, and the like because she’s better at those things than I am.
The spiritual weight of fulfilling my role as a leader who sacri-fices and serves and looks out for the good of his family matures me as a man in Christ. It confronts my laziness, my self-centeredness, and my accursed male autonomy. Lisa’s calling as a helper keeps her from pride, self-centeredness, and frivolous living. Lisa was still a few weeks shy of turning twenty when we got married, and I was a very immature twenty-two-year-old — but the tasks of denying ourselves, learning to love, and creating a family together have resulted in an incredibly satisfying and soul-stretching journey. For both of us, marriage and family life have been essential components that move us further along toward spiritual maturity. To the world at large, it may seem as though we’ve given up a lot — my “freedom,” Lisa’s “self-actualization” — but what we’ve received in return is worth far more: “Whoever loses his life for [Jesus] will save it” (Luke 9:24).
Regardless of which view you adopt on marital roles, the author of Genesis and the apostle Paul are both pretty explicit that the wife should, at least, see herself as a “helper” — which, when you think about it, is quite similar to being a “mover.”
Something to Give
Sadly, some have written off this biblical teaching because they believe it is demeaning to describe women as “helpers” for men. But if that is so, does the Bible also demean God when it describes him as
our
helper?
“My father’s God was my helper” (Exodus 18:4).
Genesis pictures a man created with an acute vulnerability. He is clearly not self-sufficient; he needs someone to come alongside him, to live this life with him. Adam, and every man after him, was, as Derek Kidner notes, “made for fellowship, not power: he will not live until he loves, giving himself away to another on his own level. So the woman is presented wholly as his partner and counterpart; nothing is yet said of her as childbearer. She is valued for herself alone.”
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