It still hurt Lola. It always would.
11
Startled
by
the gentle touch on her shoulder, Lola jerked to a sitting position.
Jack was there.
There were brackets around his mouth and eyes, like he was in physical pain. He didn’t say anything. He never had to say anything. Lola already knew.
He moved closer, pressed his forehead to hers and inhaled slowly, deeply.
Lola closed her eyes, savored the smell and touch of him; his presence.
“Did he…?”
Lola immediately knew what he meant. She averted her eyes and shook her head.
He would have, though, given the chance. That knowledge filled her with repugnance, fear, and dread.
“I want…to kill him,” he bit out, lips barely moving.
His jaw was set, his nostrils flared with every shallow breath he took.
“Jack—“
He swung his head
around
to pierce Lola with eyes that flashed
. “I shouldn’t have let you go back. I wish…” He turned his back to her, shoulders tense
. “I wish I could take you away. This isn’t right, what’s happened to you.”
Lola flinched at the dismal look on his face.
“You never deserved this.
You know that, right? Lola?
Lola
.”
Strong hands gripped her shoulders. “This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Look at me. Look at me.” She
finally
did. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I know…I know that, in my head. I know this isn’t my fault. But it feels like it is too. Maybe I said something, maybe I did something. I mean, why would my
mom
…want someone like
that
over
me
?
And what did I do to make him act like that toward me?
” Her lips trembled and her eyes burned with unshed tears. “
What’s wrong with me?
”
Jack sat down on the bed and pulled Lola half on his lap and into his arms.
Lola inhaled his faint cologne, feeling safe.
His body was ripcord hard and lean against her; strong and sturdy.
“And my mom.”
Lola’s voice broke. “Why didn’t she stop him? Why didn’t she take my side over his?
Why didn’t she
protect
me?
”
Her body convulsed and Jack’s arms tightened around her. “She’s not here
, Jack
. She didn’t even come.” Lola wept
, wetting his shirt with her sorrow
. “How could my
own
mother not come see me after what happened? Am I unlovable?
Am I a horrible person?
Is that’s what’s wrong with me?
”
He pressed his jaw to her forehead. “There’s nothing wrong with you.
You don’t
ever
think that way, Lola.
It’s him. It’s all him.
And your mother.
She’s
wrong
, Lola, wrong for letting this happen, wrong for not being here.
No parent should forsake their child. No parent should let this happen to their child.
“
Don’t ever think you did anything
to deserve what happened to you.
And y
ou can’t make your mom what you need and want.
She should be ashamed; not you.
Never you.
”
“What about you, Jack?”
Lola wiped her eyes with her fingers.
He went still. “What about me?”
Lola moved back far enough to see his face. Jack’s face was grim as he waited.
“Do you realize that about you and your sister too?” His face closed. “It’s not your fault, Jack.”
“We’re not talking about me,” was his clipped answer.
She put her hands on his face and forced him to look in her eyes. “It’s not your fault either. You’re a good person, Jack.”
Jack’s lips went into a thin line
and he looked down
.
“That’s me.
Good Samaritan through and through.”
“You
are
.
You’ve helped me so much, Jack. I…I wanted to die at times. I thought it would be better. It would be easier.
”
He gave her a sharp look.
Lola felt ashamed to admit such a thing, but she had to say it. Jack had to know.
Lola grabbed his hands and held them between them.
“
I f
elt
like I died the moment the abuse start
ed
.
I lost myself. I lost
everyone
. And then you called me Goody Two Shoes
and brought some fire back
in
to me, some life back
in
to me
.”
She
smiled sadly. “
I didn’t start living again until you showed up, Jack. It was like…I was…
reborn
.
In your eyes, in the way you looked at me, the things you said to me,
the
things you didn’t say.
”
“But I didn’t do anything good, Lola!” Jack tugged his hands away and stood. He paced the length of the bed.
He was agitated
; he repeatedly ran a hand through his shaggy hair, tousling it
. “How can you
not
remember me? I wasn’t
nice
to you, Lola. I was cruel. I was
wrong
.
”
Lola fell back against the pillow. “I don’t understand
.”
Her heartbeat picked up. She didn’t want to know, didn’t want to hear anything that might change her feelings for Jack. He was the one constant; the one person she knew would be there.
“What are you talking about?”
Don’t tell me. Tell me it doesn’t matter. Tell me to forget about it. Don’t tell me.
He stared at her, frustrated. Jack shook his head, looked away.
“Last summer.
You came to the rock.” Jack sighed and faced her. “You really don’t remember?”
“
No
. I wouldn’t say I didn’t remember if I did. What
happened
, Jack?”
Why was I
there
, of all places
? No wonder the place seemed familiar.
And why did I block it out of my mind?
He hesitated.
“It’s not a good time. Not now.
Maybe
I should go. You’ve been through a lot. You need to rest.”
Lola fought down panic. “I don’t want to be alone, Jack,” she said
in an unsteady voice
.
Jack had obligations at home
, someone who needed and depended on him
.
“Your sister?
Will she be okay?”
“Yeah.
She knows I’m here.
Isabelle is fine.
My dad will go straight to bed when he gets home from work. He always does.”
“So…stay. Please?”
He grimaced. “You may not want me to after I tell you, Lola.”
“It can’t be that bad.”
Can it?
Lola straightened her spine and gave him a level look. “
I’ve had a
horrible
day. It can’t get much worse.
Just tell me and get it over with.”
Jack laugh
ed
gruffly and ran a hand over his face.
“I was at the rock. You showed up.” Lola motioned for him to get on with it. He was hedging.
“You were crying.” Jack’s voice softened, took on a bleak quality.
He expelled a noisy breath. “My dad, he…my dad knocked me around good that day.
Needless to say, I wasn’t in the finest mood.
”
Lola waited with
baited
breath, captivated by the inflections in his voice; the altering expressions on his finely chiseled face.
“You didn’t see me at first.” Jack had a faraway look on his face. “I watched you for a while. You were so sad, so beautiful and tragic.
”
Lola’s breath caught.
Jack thought her beautiful?
He closed his eyes, inhaled slowly. “
I didn’t like how you made me feel. I know it was immature. I was feeling sorry for myself, you showed up crying. I felt…I don’t know what I felt.”
Jack sat down in the lone recliner in the room, partly in shadows. “I felt
something
when I saw you looking like that
, something I
had never
felt before, something that scared me
.
”
Lola’s pulse
was in chaos
. She listened intently to each word, not wanting to miss something or hear anything wrong.
“
Then I told myself you were probably upset because you broke a nail or some equally trivial reason.
You didn’t know what real pain and suffering was; what it felt like to be knocked around.” Jack made a sound of self-deprecation.
“God, I was an idiot.”
“You didn’t know.”
He looked up. “You’re right. I
didn’t
know. I didn’t know a single thing about you, other than what was common knowledge at school. I should have known
better than to jump
to
conclusions
.”
She was as guilty of that as Jack was. Lola felt chagrined of her assumptions of Jack and his character before she’d gotten to know him.
She’d been so wrong, so very wrong.
A memory tickled her mind
and faded away
. “You said something to me, something that wasn’t nice.”
“You could say that.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Lola meant it. She one hundred percent knew it didn’t.
But to Jack it did.
He obviously needed
to expunge his shame.
Lola was quiet; waiting for him to continue.
“I implied you were
easy
, something about your newest boy standing you up, and not to cry because I was sure you had lots more guys lined up. It wasn’t good. Even as I said the words, I wanted to stop them, but they just kept coming.
”
Jack got to his feet and moved to the end of the bed. He stared at her, regret radiating from him.
“The look on your face…it
hurt me so much it
was like I was hurting myself, or my sister
.
It was horrible.
I’d never felt so little, so small. I felt like my dad. I hated it. I don’t
ever
want to be him. To get off on other’s pain.
To hurt people.
I’m so sorry, Lola.”
Lola picked at the blanket, her eyes on her hands. “The reason that day is so
te
rrible for me, the reason I blocked it out, wasn’t because of you, Jack. I barely remember that exchange. I was too upset by what happened before that.
”
Jack didn’t say anything, so Lola continued, “
Bob
threatened my friends that day. He told me if I told anyone about the abuse, he’d kill them. He said he’d kill Sebastian.
And Rachel.
And anyone else I talked to.”
Fear reared up inside Lola. Would it ever really go away? Was she ever really going to be safe?
He
pulled her into his arms
before she’d realized he’d moved
and kissed her on the lips, his mouth moving to her jaw, her cheek, her neck; little flutters
of warmth
against her skin.
“I…” Jack began; stopped.