Jack stood. He didn’t say anything and he face was expres
sionless. Lola was learning
when he felt something intensely, that was when he revealed nothing of his emotions.
When he appeared not to care at all was when he cared the most.
“What
is
this?” he asked in a low voice.
He wouldn’t look at her, his body held stiffly away from her.
“What is what?” she asked, voice shaking.
Jack’s eyes pierced her then. His eyes said so much.
“Nothing.
Nevermind
.
”
Lola hesitated, wanting to say so much, but unsure how to begin.
She had no idea what she would even say.
“Jack…it’s not—“
“It’s not me, it’s you. Yep.
Got it.
”
His eyes met hers. “Except I’m pretty sure it
is
me.
” Jack’s lips twisted sardonically.
“
Too messed up for you, huh?”
She stood there, disbelief freezing her in place. Lola gave a shaky laugh. “You’re kidding, right?
” Lola went to him; put her hands on his forearms. “You’re the
only one
who understands, Jack, the
only one
.
“I was so alone and scared
for so long
and you made it a little easier to bear. You make me forget,” Lola whispered.
“I don’t understand what’s happening between us. It scares me. In a good way,” she added at his look.
He pressed his lips together and nodded, letting his forehead drop to hers
, his arms around her
.
“Me too.
My life doesn’t suck quite so much since we started hanging out
.
Sorry. That sounded lame.
I’m not good at stuff like this.”
Lola drank in the sight of Jack, feelings things she couldn’t put names to.
She wanted to laugh and cry; she wanted to run to him, and at the same time, run as fast as she could away from him.
Her fingers itched to trace the line of his cheekbone, to feel the softness of his lips against her flesh.
She wanted him to hold her, wrap his arms around, and she wanted to fall asleep within his arms.
Jack touched her lips
with his fingers
, caressed her cheek. Lola turned
her face
into his palm and cl
osed her
eyes.
A sense of peace flowed over her, sheltered her from reality.
After a moment, he dropped his hand. “I’ll walk you home. I have to let Isabelle know. Be right back.”
Lola examined the framed photographs while Jack
talked to
his sister. There were
four
of them;
all
of
Isabelle
, and two with Jack as well.
No mother, no father. Jack’s expression was somber
in each of them
; his eyes large and sad.
Isabelle had a
small
smile on her lips and her brown eyes shone
. Complete
opposites of one another in looks and dispositions.
It was plain to see e
ven as a small boy he’d carried a h
eavy burden on his shoulders
. Lola stared at his
younger
image, an ache
in her chest
.
If only she could take some of the burden away. Lola cocked her head. Maybe she did.
*
**
Lola’s unease intensified the closer they got to her house. She pictured
Bob
waiting up for
her
, drunk and ready to retaliate for her fleeing earlier.
Her feet dragged and she became quiet.
The streets were empty, lights in most houses out for the night.
It was past midnight and the temperature had dropped considerably.
“You don’t have to go back.”
She
glanced at Jack, saw he was serious. “Yes. I do.
I have nowhere to go.
”
He stared across the street, at Sebastian’s house. “
I hate this, Lola,” he muttered.
Lola’s gaze followed his. Sebastian sat on the porch swing of his house, watching them. His face was in shadows, but Lola could feel his eyes on her; could feel the hurt and incomprehension rolling from him to her.
He stood
; waiting for something
, waiting for her.
Jack looked at her, expression neutral.
“Is there anything I need to know about you two?”
Lola’s eyes widened and she shook her head. “No!
Nothing like that.
We just…we used to be best friends, but we don’t talk much anymore and…it’s awkward. With everything at home, I just…”
“Pushed everyone away?”
“No,” she denied. Jack’s eyebrows lifted.
Don’t kid a kidder
,
his
look said. “I don’t know
.
Maybe.
I can’t remember
,” Lola finished lamely.
“That seems to happen to you a lot,” was his dry response.
Not until
Bob
it hadn’t
.
Jack lowered his head to look her in the eye.
“If he hurts you, you call me, okay? You have my phone number.”
She nodded, anxiety accelerating her pulse. She didn’t want to go inside. Lola never wanted to go inside that house again. Jack understood. He knew what could happen.
Jack
pressed his lips t
ogether and
spoke low, “I don’t want to leave you. You promise me you’ll call me, Lola.
Promise
.”
Her head jerked in what would have to pass for affirmation.
He
exhaled loudly. “If you can’t get to a phone, you go to him.” He nodded in Sebastian’s direction.
“Promise me.” Jack’s tone was urgent, his fingers dug into the flesh of her arms.
A lump formed in her throat. Lola whispered,
“I promise, Jack.”
He stared down at her, brows lowered. Jack wiped her eyes Lola hadn’t been aware were wet and turned his back on her, fading into the shadows of night.
Lola watched him go, feeling bereft. It felt like a part of her, the best part, had been severed.
Sebastian reached her and touched her shoulder.
“Everything okay?”
Lola looked at him. He had on pajama pants and a sweatshirt. His face was tired. She didn’t answer. She didn’t feel like lying.
“
I was waiting for you.
I was worried about you.”
Lola
searched the house for signs of movement, for the glow of a television screen. All was dark.
He was in there, waiting for her. Lola shivered, knowing it to be true.
“Lola?”
She took a deep breath.
“What’s going on? Are you and Jack dating or something?”
“I don’t…know,” was the best she could come up with.
“How do you not know that?”
He turned away, muttered, “We used to tell each other everything. Now you won’t even answer a
simple
question.” Sebastian gave
her
a look full of frustration.
Lola said nothing.
“Lola,” Sebastian entreated. “
Why won’t you give me a straight answer ever?
If you never want to speak to me again, fine. If you want me to leave you alone, I will. But I have to know why first. Can you at least answer my questions? What
happened
?”
Lola swallowed
and finally allowed her eyes to meet his
.
Sebastian had the saddest look on his face.
How did she tell him she’d had no choice?
It was suddenly hard to suck air thro
ugh her lungs. Lola felt dizzy.
It was her fault. She’d been the one to cut their ties. But she’d had to.
Because of
Bob
.
He’d taken
everything
away from her.
Why couldn’t she
remember
?
She stared at Sebastian.
His eyes pleaded with her.
How did she tell him that? Lola couldn’t.
“You didn’t do anything,” she choked out.
He exhaled noisily and shoved a hand through his hair, causing it to stick up. “I must have. You don’t just stop talking to your best friend of how many years without a reason, without a
damn
good reason.”
She wanted to tell him. Lola wanted to tell him everything. She literally
ached
to do so.
Lola
saw him as the
child
she remembered from pictures; chubby
with a cowlick on the crown of his head
. She saw him as the
six
year
old who stood up for her when someone pulled her hair in
kindergarten
. Hot tears dripped down her cheeks.
“What is it?” he asked quietly. “Talk to me, Lola. Please.”
She remembered her first kiss; awkward and sloppy at the age of
eleven
and shared with Sebastian. She saw him as he was at fourteen, holding her close when her cat Lucy died, even helping her bury her and attending the funeral in her backyard.
A sob escaped her and when she
swayed from the weight or sorrow
, Sebastian caught her
. He squeezed her, his arms like gridlocks around her. Sebastian was warm and smelled like laundry detergent. His chin rested on her head.
Lola didn’t hug him back, but she pressed her cheek to his chest
.
She’d missed her friend so much.
She owed him an explanation, she knew.
Maybe someday.
Not
now
, but someday.
It felt so different from when Jack’s arms were around her and that gave her pause.
Jack’s arms felt right; Sebastian’s felt like a betrayal to Jack in a way.
“
I have to go. He’ll…I have to go.” Lola pulled away. “Just…Sebastian…just know you never did anything wrong. You were always a good friend to me.
The best,
”
she vowed, voice shaking.
His eyes searched hers.
“Why are you talking past tense?”
Lola backpedaled. “I…I don’t know. I didn’t mean to.” She tripped over the curb
and faced her house
, Sebastian forgotten
.
Heart pounding, she took a step toward it.
Maybe he would be passed out. Maybe he wasn’t there. The car sat in the driveway. He was there.
A bitter taste formed in her mouth, that of
d
r
ead
.
The house looked the same as it always did, yet seemed ominous.
A sense of foreboding followed her up the sidewalk and to the door.
It was too quiet. Her pulse quickened, Lola’s throat went dry.
Something terrible was going to happen.
Lola
shoved the thought away
.
Everything will be fine
, she lied to herself.
She fumbled with the doorknob with a hand that shook. It took her three times to get it open.
The air was
stale
; it was so dark she couldn’t make out anything.
Lola quietly closed the door, stood still until her eyes adjusted.
When they did,
a scream was torn from her lips
.