Authors: Skye Heart
“Yeah,” I answered.
“Chris? It’s Naima.”
“Yeah, what's up?” I said, hitting the car-unlock button on my keys.
“Our plane just flew in, and I’m calling to see if you’ve heard anything about Nena. I tried her cell, but it’s off, and Tony’s not answering his phone either.” She said sounding discouraged.
“Yeah, I called the hospital, but they wouldn’t tell me anything.” I replied, getting in the car.
“This is ridiculous. I’m going straight to the hospital to get some answers.” Naima said, impatient.
“Good luck.” I said, and then ended the call. Briefly, I thought about meeting Naima at the hospital, but decided against it. With everything that happened, it would feel too awkward, with all of us being there together. It is probably best for me to stay away from Tony anyway, because I still held him responsible for what Nena was going through. There is no telling what I would do, if I saw him again. We were no longer friends, and I knew it was for the best. I was in love with Nena, and Tony heard me admit to that. On some level, I knew I could not blame him for feeling the way he did. Hell, I would
feel the same way too, if I were him, and would have wanted my head on a platter. Even though I knew that what I did was wrong, those feelings soon became invalid, when Nena ended up in the hospital, behind Tony’s ass. I loved her beyond measure, and though some would say that my feelings do not justify what I did
to my best friend, I would still do it all over again. As they say, you only live once.
20
~NENA~
“Hey, how do you feel?” Tony asked me, when he came into our bedroom. I yawned, feeling drained, from having cried and slept all day.
“I’m feeling a little better now, thanks.” I replied, sitting up. I did not want him to keep hovering. I felt guilty enough, as it was, with him waiting on me hands and foot. “How was work?” I asked him. Tony took off his jacket, and tossed it on the chair, before sitting at the foot of our bed, to remove his boots.
“It was okay. We are going under way soon, and the ship will be gone for three weeks.” He replied, standing up, to unbuckle his pants.
“Oh.” I said. That was all I could say about that assertion. The last time he left proved to be detrimental to our marriage.
“Yeah. I tried to take leave, but I don’t have any more days in the books, so it was unavoidable.” He explained, sounding disappointed. As I watched him go grab a towel from the linen closet, I noticed he was not making eye contact with me.
“I understand.” I said. “So, when do you leave?” I asked him, trying to continue our not so small talk. There was an elephant in the room, and neither one of us were willing to address it.
“Day after tomorrow,” he replied, still looking at everything else in the room, but me. After wrapping the towel around his waist, covering his boxers, Tony sat down in the chair, across from the bed, resting his elbows on his knees. Then, silence filled the room. I knew what he was thinking. This would be the first time, since his deployment, that he would be leaving again. There were so many things he and I needed to talk about, but had not. There were so many words left unsaid. It has been several weeks, since my release from the hospital, and Tony has been sleeping in the guest bedroom. Neither of us seemed ready to talk about the things we really needed to talk about, which was the fate of our marriage, and where we go from here. Though I was still grieving, over the loss of my baby, Tony was kind enough to give me that space. He has been very patient, seemingly loving, and considerate of me since I have been home. Against everything I have done to him, he still cared for me. Now, I just sat there on the bed, staring into space, thinking of all that has transpired, over the last few months. All of which, left me uncertain about many things. I could not stop thinking about the death of my baby, wondering if that was the ultimate punishment, for my sins. My decision not to have a memorial service was a personal one. All of the people, who knew about my pregnancy, were gone from my life. It would have hurt me that much more, to stand at my baby’s burial, and not have Naima there. I missed her so much. I thought about calling her a few times, but did not know what I would say. What could I say? Naima hated me with good reason, because I betrayed her.
“What are you thinking about?” Tony asked, bringing me back to the present. A fresh set of tears stung my eyes, before I said, “Life,” and all he did was nod. “Speaking of which,” he started to say, but his voice trailed off, when my eyes met his.
“Yeah, I know.” I said, trying to read his face. As he stared back at me, I finally noticed the tears in his eyes. It was like looking through the windows of his soul, because I could see his pain, and felt awful for what I did to him. I wished I could take it back, but that was impossible. Without thinking, I threw the covers back, and got out of bed. Then, I walked over to where he was sitting, and knelt down in front of him. I gently placed my hand, on the side of his face, and looked him in the eyes. I wanted him to know that I felt his pain.
“Tony, I…” I began, when the doorbell rang. We both looked up, and then at each other, wondering whom it could be. Then I stood up, as Tony left the room. I did not feel like having company, so I went over to the window, and looked up at the sky. While I was not very religious, however, I pictured my baby cuddled up safe and sound, in God’s arms. Then, I blinked back new tears, trying to keep it together. My marriage was the only thing I had left in my life, and I had to do everything in my power, not to lose that too. A chill ran through me, and I wrapped my arms around myself, resting my head on the windowpane. I wondered what my life would have been like, if my baby had not died. All of a sudden, someone cleared her throat, startling me out of my reverie. I turned around, and was surprised to see, who was standing there in my bedroom. Frozen in place, I watched, as Naima stared back at me. Neither one of us said a word. We just stood there in silence. I wanted to run to her, and hug her, but I did not. I did not know what to do, other than stand there, feeling every bit of shame for my feeble existence.
“Nai…” I finally spoke. “I…hi…I didn’t expect to…” I stammered, feeling too overwhelmed, to put a decent sentence together. Then, Naima let out a deep breath, and to my surprise, she walked over to me, and embraced me.
“I’m so glad you’re okay.” Was all she said, but it was all I needed to hear, and my tears flowed freely now.
“Oh Nai, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please forgive me. Please. I need you.” I begged, needing to hold on to her, a little bit longer. Having her here made me feel complete.
“It’s okay sis. Don’t worry about it. I thank God you’re all right. I was so worried,” she said. Then, she gently pushed out of the embrace. “Let me look at you. Girl you had me so…” her words trailed off when she noticed my unusually flat belly. “Nena, the baby?” She questioned. I shook my head crying. “He didn’t make it.” I said. Then, I could not hold it together any longer. My emotions were spinning out of control.
“Oh my God, no. Oh honey, I’m so sorry.” She said, taking me into her arms once more.
“I never got to hold him.” I said through tears. Naima led me to the bed, and we sat down. Then, she pushed my long tresses away from my face, and tucked them behind my ear.
“It was a boy?” She asked me, and I nodded. “What happened?” She asked again, wiping away her own tears.
“I had high blood pressure, and in order to save my life, they had to deliver him. His lungs weren’t developed enough for him to breathe on his own, so he was gone, before I could even hold him.” I explained, feeling the loss all over again. Naima put her hand over her mouth in shock, and started to cry too.
“Oh, Nena, I’m so sorry. I should have been there. Did you have a memorial service?” She asked me.
“No, and I don’t want one either.” I answered, looking back at the window.
“Why not? Don’t you want to honor his memory?” She asked confused. Then, I stood up, made my way back to the window, and looked up at the sky again.
“I know this is going to sound strange, but I already honor his memory, right here in my heart.” I said, revisiting the picture of God holding my baby. Then, Naima walked over to me, and placed her hand on my shoulder.
“Honey, I understand what you mean, but what about his body?” She asked me.
“I had him cremated. Tony took me to the beach, and I sprinkled his ashes in the ocean.” I replied, still looking up at the sky.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there with you, to say goodbye to him.” She said with her head down.
“Don’t worry about it Nai. I understand. I’m just so happy you’re here now.” I hugged her once again, feeling thankful, that she was actually here with me.
~TONY~
“You can go join them, if you’d like.” I said to Starr, when I emerged from the guest bedroom, fully dressed. Her eyes kept darting towards the bedroom, and she seemed concerned.
“No, it’s okay. I think it is best, if I stay out here. They have a lot to sort out. I am just glad that Nena’s okay. When Chris called, and said that she was in the hospital, we did not know what to think. We started to panic, because he sounded so worried.” Starr rambled.
“Yeah, I just bet he was.” I said, without even trying to hide my contempt for him. I could tell that my comment made Starr uncomfortable, but I had better things to care about. I was leaving soon, and had no idea where Nena and I stood, in terms of our marriage. I did not want to lose her, but I was having a hard time forgiving her, for what she did.
“I’m sorry, Tony. I didn’t realize…” Starr tried to say. She gave me a sympathetic look, and I shook my head.
“No, no. It’s okay. I'm not sweating it, you good.” I told her. Then, she nodded her head, and looked away. Starr was a cool person, but I did not care to hold a conversation with her right now. In fact, I wanted to get out of here, and have some time to myself. Just then, Nena and Naima came out of the room.
“Starr! Hi. I’m sorry; I didn’t know you were here.” Nena said, walking over, to give Starr a hug.
“It’s okay. I wanted to give you two some privacy. I’m glad you’re okay, Nena.” Starr said, rubbing Nena’s arms.
“Thank you. I appreciate your being here.” Nena replied. “Both of you,” she then indicated, turning towards her sister. Naima smiled back at her, and so did Starr.
“Well, I guess I’ll leave you ladies to catch up.” I said, grabbing my keys.
“Where’re you going?” Nena asked me.
“I need to pick up some things at the NEX, before we leave Friday. But I’ll be back right after, okay?” I assured her.
“Oh, okay.” Nena said, seemingly disappointed. I knew that she did not want to give any indication to her sister, or Starr, that there was anything wrong between us.
“It was good to see you Starr, Nai.” I nodded towards the women, and left.
~ALANA~
I was livid!
I could strangle Chris, for what he tried to pull. Normally, under different circumstances, I would have just cut my losses, but this time was different. The money was too important to me. I stepped out of my car, and proceeded towards the entrance at the NEX. I hope that Chris makes good on our deal, and pay me my money, before my ship get under way for three long weeks. In spite of that, I had a lot to do beforehand, one of which was check on my mother. Then, I pulled out my cell, scrolled through ‘My Favorites,’ on the screen, and hit SEND under her picture. I took a seat on one of the benches, just outside the Navy Exchange’s entrance, and waited for an answer.
“Hello?” I smiled, as soon as I heard her voice.
“Hey mom, how are you?” I said.
“Lana, baby! It is so good to hear your voice. I’m doing all right, how about you?” She replied, cheerfully. My mom was my rock, my best friend. Having raised me as a single parent, my mom and I have been through a lot. She was a sweet woman, but sadly, I grew up watching her go from one abusive man to another. I could not stand watching her let those bastards hurt her, time and time, again. The stress was literally killing her. During my senior year of High School, she was diagnosed with a heart murmur, and was told that she needed to have heart valve surgery. With no medical insurance to speak of, and very limited means, my mother could not afford to pay for her surgery, so she opted not to have the procedure. I wanted to do whatever I could to help, so as soon as I graduated, I joined the Navy. Ever since then, I have been saving up almost every penny I made, to pay for her surgery.
“I’m okay mom. It’s good to hear your voice too. Did you get the gifts I sent you?” I now asked, forcing the painful memories away.
“Yes I did honey, and I love every last one of them. Thank you.” She said, and I smiled.
“I’m glad you liked them. I got you something from every country I visited on deployment!” I beamed like the little girl I once was.
“I see. So tell me, what’s been going on with you?” She asked, changing the subject.
“Nothing much; just been going out to sea a lot, which I hate, but hey, it is not as if I have a choice. I finally got an apartment!” I beamed again with excitement.