Saying Goodbye (24 page)

~

“Jack!” Adam said into his phone
while s
tand
ing in a hospital waiting room
. “Jesus Christ, don’t you ever check your messages?” He looked to see where Billy was,
and
then growled, “Or can’t you pull you
r
cock out of Alexander long enough? Call me!” He disconnected it and tried Steve. His phone went to voicemail too. “I swear I am going to kill the two of you! Steve! Call me. You motherfuckers! I am going out of my mind!”

Jeff, leaning over his legs
as he sat
on the plastic chair
,
looked up at Adam. “Can’t get in touch with
either
of them?”

Adam pocketed his phone and noticed Billy’s glare. “No.” He paced and rubbed his hands over his hair.

Mickey looked up as someone walked towards them.

Adam rushed the doctor and Jeff, Mickey, and Billy nearly knocked the man over as he approached.

Adam braced himself.

“We’re doing a toxicology test. He’s taken something that has brought his heart rate and breathing levels down to almost nothing. We’ve got him on a respirator and need to wait to see if he will come out of his coma.”

“Coma?” Jeff said, his voice cracking.

“Yes. He’s unresponsive.”

Adam swallowed what felt like a lump of coal in his throat. “Can we see him?”

“Immediate family only.”

“What?” Billy snarled. “We are his family!”

Adam felt sick and held his stomach.

“Who are you to him?” the doctor asked.

Mickey tensed up as if he was going to attack the doctor.

Jeff flipped out his badge. “Come on. We’re LAPD cops. This guy’s a captain, his son-in-law.” He thumbed at Billy.

The doctor looked at Billy. “You’re his son-in-law?”

“Yeah.”

The doctor looked at Adam.

Adam said,
“I’m his husband, but not legally.”

“Did you have a commitment ceremony with him?”

Adam met Jeff and Mickey’s gaze, reading it, them telling him to say yes.

So Adam nodded. “Yes.”

“Okay. Just you two.”

Adam touched Jeff and Mickey, nodding at them.

They looked uneasy and angry.

Adam and Billy held onto each other as they followed the doctor into the critical care unit.

Through a glass wall of windows, Adam could see
Mark was alone in a room, a breathing tube down his throat, monitors taped all over his chest and arm, feeding tubes led to his veins. He was snow white.

Adam’s knees felt weak and he nearly dropped to the linoleum floor. Billy grabbed for him, propping him up.

Billy asked
the doctor
, “Can he hear us?”

“I have no idea. But talk to him.” The doctor made them sign in before they entered Mark’s room. “It’s too early to know if there is any brain damage or whether he’ll regain consciousness.” He stood by the door. “But he’s getting the best care we can give him.”

Billy nodded.

Adam couldn’t force himself into the room. He held back, holding the doorframe.

“Get in here with me, Lewis.” Billy dragged Adam.

“No.” Adam felt dizzy, as if this were not real. Mark, in a hospital gown, still as death, did not look like he was alive.

The machines made noises as they pushed air into his lungs, making his chest rise and fall, a monitor showed his pulse, temperature, heart rate
…

“Billy
…
I can’t deal with this.” Adam tried to escape.

“Do not leave me to deal with it alone.” Billy grabbed Adam’s shoulder and they stepped slowly to the bed.

“Oh, God. Mark.” Adam fell to pieces, weeping.

He heard Billy choke up beside him. “I did this. I did this to him.”

“No. Billy. No.” Adam grabbed Billy’s hand.

“I’m the reason he’s in here. I’m the reason he’s lying here.”

“Stop! Billy. Please.”

Billy crouched near Mark and held his hand. “Forgive me, Mark Antonious. Please. God, forgive me.”

“Billy
…
” Adam began to cry in anguish
. “Stop. Please.”

Billy pressed his lips to Mark’s cheek. “I’m so sorry. Forgive me.”

Adam hugged Billy from behind, resting his head on Billy’s back, crying. “Steve is going to go crazy. Oh, God. What am I going to do about Steve?”

Billy held onto Mark, pressing his cheek against Mark’s, whispering, “I’m sorry
…
I’m sorry.”

“What will we tell Alex?” Adam held onto Billy. “Oh, God. What will we do about Alex?”

“Baby, I’m sorry,” Billy kept kissing Mark’s
cheek. “Forgive me. Forgive me,
”
he kept repeating, as if he was out of his mind with grief.

Adam couldn’t hold back any longer. Clutched to Billy’s back he wailed in agony. “He loves you. Billy. Stop. Mark loves you.”

“It’s okay, baby
…
baby
…
I’m sorry
…
I’m sorry.” Billy caressed Mark’s long hair. “We all love you. Don’t leave us.”

Adam slid to the
floor
on his knees, covering his face, dying inside. He couldn’t be the strong one anymore. He couldn’t. “You have to tell Alex.” Adam covered his face. “Someone has to tell Alex.”

Billy turned towards Adam and picked him up off the floor, sitting him on a chair beside Mark. “Yes. That someone is me.”

~

On arriving at LAX, Steve drove home,
leaving
Jack to do his own thing. They didn’t go to the airport together, so Steve didn’t expect Jack to drive him home. Hell, he didn’t even know if Jack drove himself or Adam took him.

He pulled into his driveway, elevating the door, seeing the TVR still missing. Steve hurried into the house, disarming the alarm and threw his bag down. He picked up the house phone and called Adam.

“Fuck! Finally!” Adam screamed into the phone. “Where the fuck are you
two
?”

“Home. I just walked in. I didn’t pack my cell phone charger and Jack refused to let me use his phone.”

“Jack? Is he on his way to Malibu?”

“I don’t know. He’s turned into a bitch.”

“Are you sitting down, Steve?”

Steve grabbed at his chest then braced himself on the kitchen counter. “If you tell me he’s dead…”

“Not yet.”

“Not yet?” Steve cried.

“He’s in Glendale Memorial hospital’s critical care unit.”

“Glendale?” Steve spun towards the garage and stared at his car.

“The horse. He went to the horse.”

Steve closed his eyes and felt sick. “Oh God! How could we not know that!”

“I’ll send the address to your phone.”

“My phone is dead
.
” Steve panicked and looked for his charger.

“Get a pen!”

Steve threw open drawers and found something to write with. “Go.”

Adam gave him the address and directions.

“What did he do, Adam?” Steve read the scribbles he had written.

“They think he OD’d. They’re doing a toxicology test.”

“What did he say?”

“Who? The doctor?”

“No, Mark.”

“Steve…”

“What.
”

“Mark’s unconscious. He’s on life support.”

Steve felt the bile rise in his throat.

“Steve…”

“Are
…
are you with him?”

“
I had to step out of the room to use the phone
.
I will be now. I’ve been going out of my mind trying to reach you two idiots.
”

“Adam.” Steve nearly sank to the floor.

“Get your fucking ass here!”

Steve threw the cordless phone on the counter and slammed the door behind him, getting back in his car and trying to read his directions. “No
…
no
…
no…” He shook his head in denial. “I went to Rome to fuck your son while you took pills with your horse. No
…
NO!”

Steve tried to drive, keeping his dome light on to read what he had written. He didn’t know Glendale well, but the hospital was off a main street.

He kept being torn between fury at himself and deep agony at Mark’s condition. He knew. Didn’t he? Knew Mark had not gone to Rome, had not gone to London
…
but, the horse? How could none of them think of that? Especially Jack!

“Fucking Larsen.” Steve wished Jack had given him his phone at the airport in New York. If he had, Steve would already be at Mark’s side instead of having to drive home to head back out to Glendale.

He finally located the hospital, parking in a pay lot and jogging to the emergency room entrance. He stood at a desk and was not patient, getting furious when someone was taking a long time with the nurse at the desk. He finally managed to get to her and said, “I’m Mark Richfield’s husband. He’s been admitted?”

She tapped keys and said, “Yes. He’s in intensive care with his husband.”

“No. I’m his fucking husband.” Steve held up the hand with his wedding band.

She appeared to not like his language and picked up the phone
, speaking into it,
“Yes, I have a man here who says he is Mark Richfield’s husband. But on my computer I already show he is with his husband.”

Steve clenched his fist. “Adam. Adam Lewis. He’s not Mark’s actual husband.”

Again he got a look from her that made him want to strangle her. He walked away from the desk, looking for the right area.

Passing rooms with sick people in them, Steve heard his name. He spotted Jeff and Mickey and made for them. They embraced him and rocked him.

“I need to see him.” Steve had held it together, but when he saw the state of his two cop buddies, he began to feel the gravity of the situation.

“They won’t let us in. Adam is with him. Billy was too, but he headed out.”

“Billy?” Steve snarled.

Mickey gripped Steve’s arm. “Calm the fuck down. Get in to see your man.”

“They won’t let me! Adam said he was his husband!”

“Fuck that.” Jeff grabbed Steve’s arm and marched with him and Mickey down the hall. A few nurses and interns stopped to look at them. One said, “Excuse me? Where are you going?”

Mickey flashed his badge. “LAPD.” He kept moving Steve down the hall. “In there.”

Steve could see Adam sitting on a chair beside a bed.

A nurse approached and before she opened her mouth, Jeff said
to her in warning
, “You need to get through us to get at him.” He tilted his head to Steve. “Get in there, Miller.”

Steve opened the door and Adam spun around.

“Steve!” Adam rushed him and held him.

Steve looked over Adam’s shoulder. He was in shock. “No. NO!” He shifted Adam aside and stood over Mark. “Oh my God. He looks fucking dead.”

Adam choked on his sob.

Steve caressed Mark’s forehead. “Baby? It’s me.” Steve located Mark’s hand and held it. It was lifeless. “What did they say, Adam?”

“He’s…” Adam coughed and forced himself to talk. “He’s unresponsive. The toxicology report came back.”

“Let me guess. Valium.”

Adam didn’t answer.

Steve leaned on the side of the bed, looked at the tube stuffed down Mark’s throat, the machines beeping with his vital signs, a bag of fluid hanging beside Mark, dripping liquid into Mark’s vein.

“What did you do?” Steve
stared at Mark’s blank expression. “You silly man.” Steve caressed Mark’s hair. “No one would care if you screwed Billy. You didn’t have to do this.”

Adam wept and Steve heard him leave the room. Outside the
room
two LAPD cops were arguing with someone to allow Steve to stay put.

Steve couldn’t believe what he was seeing, feeling. Mark lying so still. “Baby.” Steve kissed his lips. “Baby, it
’
s me. It’s your copper. Come back to me. Where are you?”

He thought about Alex. How Alex would react. Steve felt numb. This wasn’t real. This was some strange dream. Mark could not be lying here like this.

Steve scooted the chair closer and sat on the edge, holding Mark’s hand. He brought it to his lips. “Baby, talk to me. Open your eyes. You’re fine. You’re going to be fine.”

He looked at the numbers on the monitors
, c
lueless as to what they meant. Mark’s chest rose and fell like a mechanical dummy, up, down, up, down.

“Baby
…
Mark
…
Open your eyes. Look at me. Can you hear me? Can you squeeze my hand?” Steve waited, staring at Mark’s fingers. “Mark
…
why? Why did you do this? You know how we are…” He looked behind him. The cops had obviously convinced the staff Steve had a right to be where he was. They had left the area.

“Baby-doll
…
we all love each other. Nothing is unforgiveable.” He thought about his trip to Rome. Fucking Alex. Maybe some things were not, unforgiveable. Mark would be livid.

“The world loves you.” Steve began to choke up as Mark did not respond. Not at all. “I love you.” Warm tears ran down Steve’s cheeks. “Baby, for me. Come back to me. Come back to my arms, our home,
and
our bed. I don’t care what you did.”

He released Mark’s hand and tried to hug him, mindful of the tubes and needles. He pressed his cheek against Mark, feeling its coolness. Like death had already come for him.

Steve began to sob. “I can’t live without you. I can’t. I won’t. You have to come back to me. If you leave, I leave.” Steve kissed Mark’s cheek, petted his hair back from his smooth forehead. “My love. My life. Can you hear me? Can you?”

Steve held him, his lips pressed against Mark’s cheek. “Mark Antonious, come back. Come back. Goddamn you! Don’t you dare leave me! Don’t you fucking dare!”

Steve broke into a sob
,
then a wail of misery. “My baby, my lover. No!
No!
”

He raised Mark up into his arms, holding him against his chest. “Love you. Love you
…
Mark. Mark, come back to me. Mark…” Steve closed his eyes and screamed, “Oh God! God no!”