Authors: K.A. Merikan
James went silent once again, standing as if frozen to the ground. “I suppose I am no better,” he said in the end.
Ira let out a long breath, studying him without a clue how to answer, his eyes roaming over the leather mask, as if trying to see some emotion. Somehow, he felt guilty, even though James deserved to hear that. “He’ll worry if I go,” he finally said, swallowing. “Would be worried.”
“I understand... I will just... go within some distance,” James said in a voice so quiet, Ira could barely hear him.
“Why did you come?” the older man asked finally, unable to stop his train of thought.
“It doesn’t matter really. I didn’t know you had company. Let’s just get going,” sighed James.
“It matters!” said Ira, shaking his head and grabbing the other man’s wrist without thinking.
“Hey! What do you think you’re doing? I did not allow you to invade my personal space!” James looked at him from behind his goggles.
Ira let out a laugh, shaking his head. “So I need ‘permission’ now, eh?” He let him go, as if he was something filthy.
“You do. You can’t just touch people however you like and then leave them!” James said, as they started walking down the street, towards Ira’s house.
“You don’t want one like me. Said it yourself.” Ira gritted his teeth. There was only silence in reply, as they walked the deserted streets. Ira shook his head, he knew it. “Bigot.”
“Just shut up!” James screamed at him all of a sudden, abruptly tearing his mask off, eyes shining with rage. “Just shut the fuck up! I have no idea what I’m doing here in the middle of the night, so lets just get to your house and have it over with!”
Someone looked out of a window, alarmed by the noise outside. “Nobody’s stoppin’ you!” hissed Ira, gripping the front of his coat and shaking the other man lightly. “Go on! Go if you ‘ate me that much!” He breathed shakily, angry at himself for even caring what James thought.
“You know what I promised the officer,” James muttered, trying to push him away without much force. Ira knew he had much more strength in him than that.
He let out a long breath, looking deep into the other man’s eyes in the dark, narrow alley, a bile raising in his throat . “You wanted to say sorry?” he asked.
“I... I wanted to say, I felt very unfairly treated,” said James, taking a step back.
“You?” mumbled Ira, rage rising in him again.
“You were not the one getting fucked!” he whispered, as they approached Ira’s house. The other man shivered, looking over his back and following swiftly.
“I just needed you savin’ me from fuckin’ pigs! Who d’ya think has more power here?!” he hissed, grabbing his arm.
“Why do you care what I think? I am in the vulnerable position here!” he said, trying to shove off Ira’s hand.
“Are you?” the other man spat back, hovering over him in an intimidating manner.
“Am I not?! I don’t have the freedom you do and I was the one opening up and... I don’t really want to speak of this anymore!” said James and Ira observed that his hands were trembling.
Ira brought him closer, looking into his eyes, all tense. “I was good t’ya! But no! You ‘ave a problem ‘cause I ‘aven’t been born Christian!” he hissed, shaking him. The inability to get through to him was gnawing at his insides.
“Stop touching me or I will really have to fight back!” James warned. “It’s not my fault you turn out to be Jewish and have a nice little Jewish—.”
He must have felt a sharp pain in his groin as Ira kicked his crotch with an abrupt move. “Stay the fuck away!” he growled, shaking his head, “Find another fuck then!”. His heart raced in a furious rhythm.
James let out a surprised, high pitched whine and grabbed his crotch with one hand, but caught Ira’s shirt in his fist with the other. “What is wrong with you!? I am incredibly considerate of your position! And I will stay here tonight, even if it’s on the fucking stairs!” He must have been really set on the idea as he didn’t want to let go of it and go home.
Ira looked at him in disbelief. “No, you aren’t! There’s nothing wrong with me!” he shouted at him.
“Of course there is!” hissed James, pushing him away. “You bed men! You consider that normal!?”
“I bed’em good!” the man laughed, shaking his head, suddenly amused. “I like bein’ close to men,” he added, suddenly lowering his voice as he caught James’ gaze.
“I noticed...” he said, taking a step back. “Any men? How many?” James demanded.
“Men I like,” Ira breathed quietly. “Don’t know how many... I am 35 y’know.”
James was at loss of words and looked down at the tips of his shoes. Ira observed him for a moment, feeling strange, as if he wanted to hug him, as if he was just a child. “I like you,” he said finally, with a soft sigh.
James’ eyes shot up clearly surprised. “It seems you ‘like’ a lot of people,” he said in the end, without anger.
Ira licked his lips, their gazes locked... “Why wouldn’t I? They come’n’go.”
“Makes sense. I think... I’ll just ‘go’,” James sighed walking away. Ira’s hand shot up in an impulse , taking hold of his wrist again.
“D’ya want to?” he breathed, tired of all this, but it was hard to let James go. The man seemed lost and scared and Ira felt responsible. He couldn’t just let him go. A month ago, on their way back from Kent, he actually thought he didn’t want to let him go at all. Otherwise, James’ rejection wouldn’t have hurt or disturb him as it did. A month passed, yet he still thought about this not-so-virgin toff! Still wanted him.
“I don’t know anymore...” James’ answer ripped him out of his thoughts as the man looked back at him. “Maybe I’ll just stay the night? It would be safer, right? I won’t disturb you...”
The other man swallowed a lump in his throat as he looked at James. Slowly, he came closer, embraced him gently and led him towards his house. Somehow, he felt he wouldn’t be rejected this time. James longed for him enough to embark on a search without even knowing his exact whereabouts. “You won’t,” he promised. Right then, he wondered if Joshua intended to work that evening.
When they finally got up the stairs, the door was already open as the boy must have heard their steps... or their screams in the street. He seemed surprised at the closeness between Ira and his guest. At least, this time, the boy was fully dressed.
“Hello.” Ira nodded at him, noticing that James didn’t fight his embrace anymore, defeated. They were in a seedy place, and still...
“Hello! I was worried. Is everything all right?” asked Joshua. The light from the fire danced on the side of his face. Ira moved away from James and took off his coat. Conscious of the dirt on his face, he wiped it with the back of his hand.
“Yeah,” Ira sighed, slowly leading the listless man inside his home, “Give us supper?” he asked, reaching out for James’ coat. In a way, he wanted to spend time with him. He was angry at him for the way he reacted at the information about his origins, but at the same time, he realized how things were right now. After all, he didn't stress who he was either, because there was no denying how it affected people’s perception of him.
James hesitated, but finally handed over his coat, not looking up at Ira. In the light of the fire, they noticed his sleeves were stained with blood.
“You hurt?” Ira asked immediately, shutting the door and locking it carefully. Unable to stop himself, he stroked the other man’s hair. Joshua watched this with a bit of tension in his body, but moved towards the fire to get the supper.
“No, it’s probably just a few bruises,” said James and moved away by a few inches. He had the same elegant clothes on, he'd had at the university.
“So... you know each other,” the boy said, clearing his throat and laying out the stew and bread on two ceramic plates.
Ira’s gaze followed him with caution. Now that he saw how James felt about being left alone, he was feeling increasingly guilty.
“A bit”, repeated James in a flat tone, sitting at the table and trying not to look at the young boy. He seemed uncomfortable and tense. “Smells delicious,” he said, trying to change the subject.
“It does, doesn’t it!” Joshua apparently wanted to make him feel more at ease. “Ira buys it in the city.”
The host sighed, trying to capture his gaze. “D’ya want tea? Ale?”
“Oh yes. I could use something stronger,” he said, his eyes focused on the food. “I’m sorry for the intrusion before,” he added, to Joshua.
“Don’t worry 'bout it,” said the boy with a calm smile, but he kept his gaze on James.
Ira sat by the table and invited the aristocrat with a gesture. He didn't know what to say. Like inviting a peacock to dine with the ducks.
“You both have a very cosy house here.” James sat at the table and smiled at the hosts trying to make some small talk despite the awkward atmosphere.
“He don’t live here,” commented Ira, smiling at Joshua who put plates in front of them. The brown stew looked rich and was still hot thanks to a special storage container.
“Are you saying it’s not cosy?” James straightened his back, looking up at Ira for the first time in a few long minutes. The man felt a sudden tightening in his throat and was unable to look away.
“It’s all right... just normal,” he managed to say, his hand reaching to hold James’, but the guest shied away and bit into a piece of bread. Joshua’s presence must have intimidated him and they still hadn’t resolved the matter of what had happened at the university earlier that day.
“But you seem to like it, right?” James asked the boy.
“Of course I do! I like being with Ira!” he said with a lot of enthusiasm, shooting their host a searching look.
Ira smiled at him. He knew the boy wanted more than what he was giving him, but he was far too young for his taste. They both enjoyed bedding each other and spending time together, but he would never consider their relationship serious. “James stays ‘ere today,” he said.
“Oh. I’ll just prepare myself some additional bedding after dinner,” Joshua said with a hint of disappointment.
“Don’t go to too much trouble!” James said instantly, eating his stew. “It’s your house after all!”
“No worries, my bed fits two,” Ira smiled at his guest. In the bedroom, they would finally be able to talk and maybe he could make it up to him for what had happened earlier. For that, he couldn’t wait.
“I’m not sure if that’s the best of ideas!” James said defensively while Joshua kept silent. He stood up and went over to a small basin to wash the dishes. Apparently, he had no doubt about what was going to happen.
“Stop.” Ira shook his head. “Drink yar ale.”
James complied, scratching his cheek and drinking, all tense and thoughtful. “The police seemed to know you...?”
“They do. Everyone does,” answered Ira, eating his meal. Meat and sauce had a calming effect on his nerves.
“Just before, someone I stopped in the street guided me here,” James continued, looking up at him with a hint of a smile.
“See?” Ira laughed, reaching out to brush a strand of hair behind the other man’s ear. When he saw him looking up, all he wanted was to kiss him.
“See what? That yar a very well known figure?” James leaned in a bit, continuing with the stew. He must have understood the situation well enough to relax in Joshua’s presence.
“Yeah.” The other man smiled, letting his hand roam over the back of James’ neck. It felt hot against his palm.
“I am gonna visit Angelique today,” said Josh, drinking ale from a clear glass. Ira’s eyes shot up at him and he gave the boy a smile.
“Good. Greet’er from me,” he said. He and Joshua’s current Madam knew each other rather well. She owned a freehouse where men like him could meet lovely boys like Josh.
“Is this because of me? You really shouldn’t have to!” said James, emptying his glass.
“No, of course not!” lied Joshua, coming over and taking a seat by the table. He sighed, stealing a look from Ira, but then shrugged. “You... know each other long?”
“I wouldn’t say ‘long’ is the right word for it, unless you consider my imagination experience,” James smiled slightly, looking into his glass.
Hearing that, Ira swallowed, smiling in appreciation. He must have been thinking about him all the time and now, he revealed it just like that! It made him feel special that a man like James... kept returning to him, even if only in his thoughts. “Same here.”
“And you two?” asked James, moving a bit closer to the fire.
“A couple of months,” beamed the boy.
Ira breathed slowly, sliding his hand over James’ waist and trying to gently pull his guest closer. He wanted him to feel comfortable. To his relief, the man didn’t protest.
“How did you meet?” James asked, looking at the pretty faced Jewish boy, who swallowed, leaning back in his chair.
Joshua bit his lip shooting a glance at Ira, and smiled as their eyes locked. “Well, I promised him a good time, but he invited me to a coffee house first. That’s how it went,” he finished sweetly, his long eyelashes casting a shadow on reddened cheeks.
“Oh, I understand,” said James politely, but Ira was sure he didn’t have a clue what to make of his behaviour. He once again closed the distance between them, pulling the aristocrat’s back into his own chest. His soft, chestnut hair smelled absolutely delightful and Ira closed his eyes for a moment.