“How was the run, crazies?” Cassie asked. Like with the rest of the family, I got along really well with her, too, she was like a sister. She didn’t like exercise though, the same as Jace, so they always let us get on with it and would make faces when we returned.
I groaned. “Good-ish.” She shook her head, looking at me as if I were actually crazy. I think the last time she had done anything sporty was when she was at school, nine years ago.
Cassie looked very much like Logan with the same colour blue eyes and dark blonde hair. Hers was dead straight and just below her shoulders but she often shoved mousse in it to make it do something. She was just a little taller than me but then most of the people in my circle were.
“You two want Chinese?” she asked, glancing at the Golden King Chinese menu in front of her.
Logan raised his eyebrows at her. “Cass, it’s half past four in the afternoon.” Usually, his mum would serve dinner at half past six every night but it was the anniversary of their first date so Daryl was taking Julia to some posh hotel in the city. They deserved to celebrate after being together for thirty years.
“Yeah?” she questioned, staring at her younger brother blankly, waiting for a good explanation as to why she couldn’t have Chinese so early. “And?”
“Nothing. Never mind.”
“If you think I’m playing mum just because they’re away, you are seriously mistaken. Now, what do you two want? Chlo, you’re staying, right?”
“Yes, thanks. My usual?” Cassie nodded and scribbled down my order on a scrap piece of paper.
My house was too quiet. Since my parents set up a car rental place four years ago they had spent most of their time at work, leaving me at home. I was plenty old enough to take care of myself but I now found the silence suffocating.
Logan reeled off a list of what he wanted and went off to have a shower.
I sat down opposite Cassie on the kitchen stool and waited for the inevitable Jace conversation. “So, how’s everything going?” I asked, trying to steer things into her life rather than mine.
Cassie thought that hanging on to Jace was unhealthy. The problem I had was I didn’t quite know how to live my new life without him. We’d spent years practically glued to each other’s side. It was hard to fully let go of my old life.
She sighed and it was then that I noticed how tired she looked. She’d been having a shit time too. “Okay, I guess. Hopefully the divorce will be sorted soon and the house will sell. Then I can move on.”
Cassie and her bastard husband, Rick, had recently separated so she was living back with her parents. Arsehole-Rick’s new slut girlfriend keeps contacting her to whine about how long the divorce papers were taking, like it was Cassie’s fault.
“I just want it over now. It’s hard moving back in with your parents, you know? Especially living with Logan again!”
“Yeah, he can be a pain.”
“It’s good to see you so much again, though.”
I frowned.
So much?
“Do I stay here
too
much?”
Cassie laughed and shook her head. “No. Not enough, actually. We love having you here. You’re part of the family, you know that.”
I let out a sigh of relief. I did still hang at theirs a lot but I didn’t want to if they thought it was too much. Part of me felt like, because I was moving on I shouldn’t be here, but they were family to me, and I didn’t ever want to give that up. Cassie said I was part of the family, and I felt like it, too, but technically, I wasn’t anymore. I just hoped that when I eventually found someone else they wouldn’t think any differently of me.
“Thanks, Cassie.”
“What’s new with you anyway?”
“Hmm, not a lot. Some guy at work asked me out, but I’m not going.” He was nice and very good-looking but it didn’t feel right, I think.
“Why not?” I shrugged. “Chloe, it’s been ages and you said yourself you
want
to move forward. You can date whenever you like, there’s no set time you have to wait before you can be happy again.”
I squirmed on the seat. “Yeah, I know. I do feel ready to date again but…”
“But,” she prompted.
“I’m not sure.”
“Well, there’s no rush but why not just go for a drink? Something casual. You don’t have to marry the guy.” I smiled, chewing on my lip. Maybe she was right. It was only a date; I wasn’t committing myself to anything.
“Doesn’t have to marry who?” Logan questioned, suddenly appearing back in the kitchen. He rubbed a hand towel over his short, dark blonde hair.
“Chloe’s got a date.”
My heart stopped as I waited for Logan’s reaction. I had spoken to Cassie and Julia in depth about new guys, but not Logan. I could talk to Logan about absolutely everything else but he was close to Jace – they were more like twins – so it felt weird.
He frowned and turned his intense gaze to me. “With who?” It was a simple question but it felt like the Spanish inquisition.
“Um, Rhys from work.”
I felt like a child waiting for its parents’ permission to do something. What if Logan hated me for it? Would he see it as me betraying his brother? But he wouldn’t expect me to be alone forever, surely? He smiled tightly.
“Have a good time.”
That’s it?
“You ordered yet?” he asked Cassie, turning away from me.
“About to. Will probably be about half an hour.”
Logan nodded and grabbed a beer from the fridge, while I sat frozen, trying to figure out what his response really meant. Why did it bother me so much anyway? Well, because he brought me back to life after Jace died, that was why. Logan meant so much to me. I hated the thought that he could be angry with me.
I watched silently as Logan popped the top off the beer and took a long swig. What the hell was going on in his head? He then put it down and got two wine glasses from the cupboard. “Are you staying overnight, Chlo?” He started pouring the wine without waiting for my response.
Looks like it.
“Yeah, thanks.” He put the glass of rosé down and sat opposite me. Awkward. It had never been awkward between us before. With Jace it was at first but with Logan there was no pressure. I was just his little brother’s friend and then girlfriend, so we hit it off straight away. I had no preparation for awkwardness with Logan. Usually, if I knew I was meeting people I would think of a few random things to ask, but I had nothing here.
If Cassie wasn’t in the room, I would have made and excuse and gone home. “I’m starting spinning,” Cassie announced.
Okay…
“You don’t do
any
exercise, Cass, you should start with something less physical,” Logan advised. “Spinning is pretty full on.”
Cassie nodded. “I know. I want full on.” Oh, this was about Rick. She wanted to take her mind off everything that was going on. I went the opposite way when Jace died, there were no distractions that could have worked. I became a hermit and just existed. “Wanna come, Chloe?”
“Sure.” I’d been spinning before and it was complete hell but it worked. Logan was right though, someone who wasn’t used to exercise really shouldn’t start with that. “Your legs are going to
kill
you. You sure you want to go straight in with spinning?”
“I’m sure. I’ll call tomorrow and book it for next Sunday.”
Logan smirked. “I’m
so
glad I’m working that night.”
“Oh, shut up! I’ll be fine, Mr Muscles,” she teased, throwing a plastic lemon at Logan from the
for show
fruit bowl. She was so not going to be fine.
The second Cass left with her wine, I turned to Logan. He had a bottle of beer in each hand and smiled innocently when I spotted them. I needed to talk to him about Rhys and clear the air, but I was nervous. My heart rate increased, and I had butterflies. “Logan?” I said quickly before I could back out.
He turned to me. “Yeah.”
“Earlier, when I told you about Rhys…”
“What about it?” he responded.
Poker face.
I hated when he showed nothing, he was so good at it. Usually, I could tell what Logan was thinking from his expression but when he shut down he was a complete mystery.
Chewing on the side of my mouth, I turned my whole body so I was facing him. “You acted… strange. I didn’t expect that.”
“I acted strange?”
“Logan, stop. Please, just tell me what you’re thinking.”
He shrugged with one shoulder, not even bothering to put the effort in for a full shrug. “You can do what you want, Chloe. You’re a big girl now.”
“Don’t be like that. Do you think it’s too soon? Do you think I should wait longer? It’s not that I don’t still love Jace because I do. I just want to be happy again. I’m ready to move on but I don’t want to hurt you or piss you off if you think I shouldn’t—”
“Chloe,” he cut in. I took a breath. Maybe I went overboard but I opened my mouth and it all poured out. He sighed and put his arm around my shoulder. “I don’t think it’s too soon. I’m sorry I was a dick earlier. Go on the date if it’s what will make you happy.” He wrapped his other arm around me, holding me tight. “I just want you to be happy.”
“Thank you. I think I’ll go. Can’t hurt to have a drink or something, can it?”
He pulled back and smiled. “No, can’t hurt at all.”
“Thank you,” I whispered and laid my head on his shoulder. Thank goodness that was sorted out. I hated the thought that Logan would be hurt or disappointed because of something I’d done. We were too close now. Besides my parents and Cass, he was the most important person in my life and the sole reason I wasn’t still hiding out in my room between work and university.
“Anytime. I am going to check this guy out, though. You said he works with you, right? Do I know him?”
“Logan,” I groaned. “I’m twenty years old. I think I can take care of myself now.”
“I know you can.” I sighed in relief. Logan quizzing Rhys would be really awkward. “I’m still doing it, Chlo. I don’t want you to get hurt, you’ve been hurt enough.”
Okay, that was sweet. “It’s a completely different thing. If anything happened with Rhys and he broke it off it wouldn’t be on the same level as losing Jace.”
“I don’t care. I was there when you cried so much you were sick. I don’t ever want to see you cry again and if that fucker thinks he can just play around and use you, I’ll ball his eyes out with a spoon.”
I laughed. What was that? “Ah, she laughs. Your face is hilarious by the way, sweetheart. I meant it, though. I don’t want you to get hurt again. That was hard to watch.”
It was hard to go through.
“I don’t want that either. I’m not going to rush into anything or do anything stupid. It’s just one drink to see how it goes.”
He nodded once. “And you like him?”
“He’s a nice guy, but I don’t know if I like him in any way other than a work colleague, sort of friend. Hence the drink.”
“When are you next working?”
I narrowed my eyes. “I’m working Monday morning.”
“And Rex?”
“Rhys,” I corrected.
“Whatever.”
Laughing, I rolled my eyes. “Monday as well.”
“I might be thirsty on Monday.”
I swept my long hair out of my face.
What a surprise!
“I have no doubt you will.” Christ, he was acting like my brother. Was that what he was trying to be? No. We weren’t like siblings. Not once had I ever seen Logan as a brother.
“Hey, I just want to make sure the guy isn’t a prick.”
“He’s not. I wouldn’t even consider going out with him if he was, but thanks for looking out for me, as always.”
He was always there. I’d always been able to talk to him about absolutely anything. Even when Jace was alive I went to Logan more, not that I didn’t tell Jace my problems, I did, but Logan was able to look at situations logically and find solutions quickly. Until Jace died and he didn’t have any answers anymore, not for himself or me, not until he saw me disappearing in grief and loneliness.
“I thought you’d tell me to stop stressing over it and let you make your own decisions. What’ve you done with Chloe?”
“Funny. You do stress about me, far too much. I’m okay, Logan. You need to concentrate on you now.”
“What’s wrong with me? I think I’m pretty close to perfection.” He frowned and pouted his lip adorably.
Deflecting, always deflecting and making everything seem okay. Truth was, he was still a little lost. Logan had all these plans for the future, too. He should be in his own place by now but Jace’s death had taken over his life for a while as well. Now Logan had a big hole where his savings used to be and he was stuck at home until his bank balance looked healthier.
“You’re alright, I guess,” I said, turning my nose up. Logan
was
pretty perfect, as much as a person could be anyway. He was loyal and if he loved a person there was nothing he wouldn’t do for them. If it wasn’t for him I don’t know what I would be like now. Probably still curled up in bed, stuck grieving a life I’d never have.
“Fuck off, you love me.”
I hugged him because I did love him. “You know I do and that’s why I’m going to be as annoying about you achieving your goals as you are about me achieving mine.”
“Oh, good,” he said sarcastically. “Seriously, I don’t need saving. I’m fine, will be back on track soon.”
“Uh huh. So the girl at the gym the other day wasn’t pissed at you because you’d slept with her and ditched her?”
He held his hand up. “That happened months ago. I’m laying off women for a while, you know this.”
“I do. I just worry that while you’re so busy pushing me and holding Cassie together you’re going to relapse.” It was only six months ago that he was drinking himself stupid and sleeping with anything that crossed his path. I’d forced him to a sexual health clinic once – thankfully, he hadn’t caught anything – and was not keen to repeat the experience.
“Not gonna happen, sweetheart. I have no desire to wake up feeling like I’ve been run over or worrying who the fuck is next to me ever again. I can keep myself on the straight and narrow.”
“Promise me.”
“I promise,” he said.
“Okay. And you’ll come to me if you ever need to talk, right?”
He smiled tightly. Logan wasn’t a
load his problems onto someone else
person. It was one of the things I loved about him, but it frustrated me to no end. I wanted to be to him what he was to me. I wanted him to know he could rely on me for anything and to get him through anything.
“Sure. Now we gonna eat so much Chinese food we need to run an extra fifty miles tomorrow, or what?”
“Yes to stuffing our faces, no to running more. I’ll deal with the extra pound. You should still run though, you’re looking a little fat,” I joked, poking his very toned, very not fat chest. Practically the entire female race converted to the Church of Gym when they saw Logan’s body. Male fitness was a religion I really could get on board with.
“You wound me,” he said, smirking and bumping my shoulder with his.