“Morning, Bethany,” I said to Chloe’s mum as I walked into the kitchen.
“Logan, hi,” she replied, shocked to see me. “I didn’t know you were here.”
“Yeah, sorry, popped over to see Chlo after her date and fell asleep.”
She nodded, having no issue with the fact that I’d spent the night in her daughter’s bed. But that was because I was Jace’s brother and she would never think anything would happen, so it kind of sucked.
“I’m making bacon, you want?” I asked her.
She laughed and shooed me to the table. “You sit,
I’ll
be making breakfast.”
“Will you ever let me cook in that fancy kitchen?”
“Not a chance, mister! I don’t even let Bill cook in my kitchen.”
“I’ll make the coffee then.”
She pointed in my direction, already getting pans out to cook. “That you can do. How did Chloe’s date go? She tell you?”
Oh, yeah, she told me. “It went alright, they’re going out again.” I tried, really tried, to sound happy for her.
“That’s good. For a while there I wasn’t sure if we’d ever get her back. She relied on the plan she’d made with Jace far too much.”
“She just needed a kick up the butt. Honestly, I think she was getting there herself, she was healing but couldn’t see a way of planning for a different future.”
Bethany ripped open the pack of bacon. “She needed you. You’re good for each other, you’ve always bounced off each other.”
She didn’t mean it in the way I wanted her to or she did but knew it was about as likely as pigs flying. Either way, someone saying me and Chlo were good for each other did things to my heart that I’d only admit out loud if I turned into a teen girl.
“Yeah, we’ve always got along.”
“Until last night,” Chloe said, walking into the kitchen and glaring at me again. “Scare me or wake me again and I’ll have your balls, Scott.”
That would’ve frightened me but I really wanted her to have my balls.
I held my hands up, playing along. “Noted, sweetheart. No more surprise visits or wake ups.”
“Ugh, you so don’t mean that.” She sat on a chair and rested her head on her arms. I wanted to sit down next to her and pull her into my arms while her mum cooked. I wanted to be able to hold her, just to fucking hold her.
So I wouldn’t make a tit of myself, drop to my knees and proclaim my undying love for her, I went back to making coffee.
“Tell me about your date, love,” Bethany said.
If I got details I was pouring the kettle out over my head.
“It was good. He made a picnic, we ate at the park and then had a long walk. He’s taking me out next weekend.”
“That’s great.”
I wanted to make a puking sound but refrained.
“Yeah. It was a little awkward at first, we’ve never spent any time together outside of work, but he’s really nice.”
“Nice but awkward. Winner!” I said before I could stop myself. Chloe stuck her finger up. “Sorry, I’m sure he’s your prince charming.”
“I’m not looking to marry the guy, Logan. We’re just getting to know each other. There might not even be anything that comes out of it.”
There fucking better not be!
“There’s no pressure, Chloe, just go with the flow and see what happens. You never know, you may well end up marrying him,” Bethany said, wiggling her eyebrows.
I thought she’d end up marrying Jace and that hurt enough but some random guy… As much as I wanted her to be happy I didn’t want to watch her walk down the aisle and take the hand of someone else. The thought of sitting there while she recited vows to another man made me want to hurl.
I poured boiling water in three mugs, trying to push away the image of her in a white dress dancing her first dance with a guy that wasn’t me. Marriage wasn’t something I thought much about but I’d marry her right now, no hesitation.
Shit, I had problems.
“Bill’s at work?” I asked.
“Yeah, he’ll be home in an hour, he just had to sort something out for Monday.”
“Mum, what are the chances you and Dad’ll get me a new car for my birthday?” Chloe asked.
I turned around, really wanting to see this.
“Hmm…” Bethany said, pretending to think. I couldn’t help a big, fat grin. This wasn’t going to go in Chloe’s favour.
“Come on, Mum. Please?”
“There’s nothing wrong with your car.”
“It broke last month.”
“For the first and only time in the three years you’ve had it.”
She pouted and I almost offered to buy her a fucking car.
“Please? I’m a poor student and can’t afford one.”
Bethany rolled her eyes, turning around to continue cooking a shit load of bacon. “Chloe, when your car breaks we’ll replace it, that was the deal.”
“Okay, fine, but you’ll have to get me a birthday present and a car. I was saving you money here!”
Women logic.
“Nice try, love. Dad wants to get you something special, we’re both so proud of how well you’ve been doing this year, but don’t hold your breath for a car.”
“This year’s been a lot easier. It’s nice to think about Jace and not feel total despair. Still not too sure about what happens after uni but I’m working on it.”
“After uni you get a job and a house,” I said, handing Bethany her coffee before taking mine and Chlo’s to the table and sitting down. “Like the rest of us.”
“You didn’t go to uni,” she replied. She looked smug and pouted her lips in that sexy, unknowing way. It got me every time.
“Alright, smartarse. I mean you do everything you wanted to do, just…”
She chewed her lip and then released it to say, “Do it without Jace.”
“Yeah. You have to do it without him.” We all had to do everything without him. It fucking sucked.
She waved her hand at me like a mad woman. “Alright, alright, you slave driver. I’m up. See!” Standing up, she narrowed those pretty amber eyes for the millionth time today. “You’re being an arse today… and yesterday, actually. What’s up, Logan?”
“Nothing’s up. I wanted to hang out, should there be something wrong for me to want that?”
Her frown slowly slipped from her forehead and her features softened. “When we spend the night together like that, yeah, usually there’s something wrong. I hope there’s not, you know I don’t want you to be unhappy, but from experience there’s something else going on. Is it Jace’s birthday coming up?”
That day was going to be awful but for the first time since he died I wasn’t feeling shitty because of that. It was because she was moving on. It was because I was soon going to have to watch her be with someone else and put him first, and I wanted every second I could get until that happened.
But I couldn’t tell her that, so I took the coward’s way out and nodded. “Yeah, it’s just a shitty time.”
It took her less than a second to be in my arms, hugging me tight. “It’ll be okay, Logan. We’re both stronger this year. It’ll always be hard but we can smile this time. It’ll be his twenty-first, a big one, so let’s try to make it a happy day, yeah?”
I held her petite frame tight against my chest and buried my head in her hair. “Sure, sweetheart,” I whispered. “We can try to make it a happy day.”
“Still want to go for that stupid run?” she asked against my collarbone. That was sexy as hell.
“Yep, you’re not getting out of that one. Nice try, though.”
Pulling back, she slapped my chest and huffed. “Fine. Let’s go then.”
“What was the car thing about with your mum this morning? You love your shit heap of a car.” Who buys a Citroen C3? Tiny little roller skate of a car that’s marked ‘a great run around’ and that was probably because the fucking things broke so much running was the only way you were getting anywhere. And it was a steal at a grand. Women should never shop for cars alone.
“Oi, don’t speak ill of Ellie, thank you very much!”
“See, you’ve even named the heap.”
She shoved me as we jogged down the path but didn’t manage to move me much. “I knew Mum would go on about Rhys and I didn’t want to deal with it. Plus, I thought it was worth a try, could’ve gotten a new car out of it.”
“What do you mean?”
She picked up the pace, clearly uncomfortable with where this was headed. I wasn’t going to let it go. If there was something about this guy she was unsure of I wanted to know and I wanted to revel in it.
“I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart.”
Groaning, she said, “It’s just a little weird, okay. I’m not sure how I really feel about Rhys right now and I don’t want to have to keep talking about how things might go with him in the future. Right now my future is blank and it scares the hell out of me. I’ve never had that, Logan, there’s always been a plan.”
“You plan too much.”
“I know I do, but I like knowing what I’m doing and working towards. The unknown scares the crap outta me.”
“I like it. Not knowing where I’ll be doesn’t bother me. You have to leave room for change, Chlo, or you’ll forever be disappointed.”
“I can’t help it. You’re so laid back and I wish I could just go with the flow more but I can’t.”
“Can’t or don’t want to?”
“Can’t, I think. I don’t like the feeling of everything being out of my control. I can’t control life and death but I can control what I do in between.”
She couldn’t, though. Chloe could plan right up until the day she died but it wouldn’t all go how she wanted it to. Life was constantly ready to throw more and more shit surprises at you. Control was an illusion, something people claimed to have to make reality seem that much more bearable. No one was in control of anything; in every situation you were either lucky or unlucky.
I didn’t want to bring her down with my cheerful theories so I took the easy road and kept my mouth shut. “Which route?”
“Cemetery,” she replied, making me almost lose my footing.
Back to Jace. I didn’t want to go there. I hated it. You were supposed to die in old age, starting with the eldest. I shouldn’t have buried my brother; it was backwards. He was just a fucking kid, not quite eighteen.
“Really?” I asked. “Any reason?”
“Yes. No. I don’t…” She stopped suddenly and I almost rammed into her. “I went on a date last night.”
Oh, I was painfully aware of that fun fact.
“And?”
She bit her lip, which made her look sexier.
“Not too sure actually.”
“Right.” I scratched my forehead. I rarely understood women when they said what the fuck was going on so guessing was impossible. “You feel guilty? You said you didn’t.”
“Not guilty. Maybe like I should, though.” She shrugged. “I just feel like I should talk to him.”
That was impossible, too.
“Alright, cemetery is it, but if it’s cool with you I’ll run a lap while you’re talking.”
She touched my arm, rubbing her thumb over my skin that was oversensitive to her touch. I fucking felt it right where I wanted to. “Of course. I don’t expect you to stay.”
“Do you want me to stay?”
“I think I need to talk to him alone.”
Thank fuck for that.
It was my turn to speak but there was little left to say other than
let’s go
and I knew if I said that she’d stop the touching. She didn’t touch me nearly enough and I was getting greedier.
“Well,” she said, blowing out a big breath and lowering her hand. “Let’s go or this run will never end.”
I stopped at the gate to the cemetery. Chloe gave me a fleeting smile before jogging to Jace’s grave. I envied her for the way she approached him and sat down. No hesitation.
My brother was over there and it was the last place on earth I wanted to be. I couldn’t even pretend it was just because I hated the thought of him in the ground. I was in love with his girl, what right did I have to go over there and pour my heart out to him? I could pretend while he was alive but I couldn’t now that he was dead. He would know and I couldn’t face him. There was nothing he could do, he couldn’t call me out or tell me to get out of his life, but I still could not face him.
Fuck guilt and fuck wanting what you shouldn’t.
I read the text again. ‘Can’t do today, going to lunch with Rhys. Tomorrow? x’
Then just because I was a masochist, I read it once more. She was out with that prick two days after the first date. They weren’t even supposed to be going out until the weekend. I was meant to have a week to meddle in some way and break it off, show her how wrong he was for her.
As a result of their early second fucking date I was in a foul mood, wanted to get drunk, smash something, and find a way to stop loving her. If I could just switch it off it would make my life a million times easier.
If there was a button you could press to stop yourself loving someone I would have pressed it years ago. Or I wouldn’t because I loved how she made me feel when it wasn’t like I was suffocating. Basically, I was screwed and I was a sick arsehole.
“Earth to Logan!” Cassie shouted. My eyes shot up to meet carbon copies of mine staring back at me. “Where were you?”
“Sorry. What’s up?”
“I asked if you want Indian. Mum doesn’t want to cook, I don’t want to cook, Dad can’t, and it’ll be a cold day in hell before you get off your arse to do it, so…?”
“Yeah, sure, whatever.”
“What’s gotten to you?”
“Nothin’, just tired.” If it wouldn’t be too obvious I would’ve asked her about this Rhys guy and got her opinion on the two of them. I could see he wasn’t right for Chloe, but could Cass?
“K. Fancy getting the guys together for a night out soon? It’s been ages since we’ve done anything.”
“Saturday?”
“We can but Chlo has a date so she wouldn’t be able to come. Unless they meet us after.”
Not happening.
I tried to keep an even,
I don’t give a shit
expression but I was sure I was looking at my sister like she’d just suggested we sacrifice a whole Maternity Ward of newborns.
“I’ll speak to Chlo and see when she’s free.”
“Sounds good. I need to get some action soon.”
I could feel lunch coming back up. “Ugh, what the fuck is wrong with you, Cass?”
She laughed. “Least I got a proper reaction out of you. And I was kidding; I’m so done with men. They’re all arseholes.”
“I’m offended. We’re not all arseholes.”
“Really? I challenge you to recite the names of just five of the women you’ve slept with.”
I gripped the edge of the worktop. “I can give you three.”
“Thought as much.”
“That doesn’t make me an arsehole. The last three years have been… difficult. I didn’t forget them because I didn’t want to know, I’m not sure I got the names in the first place.”
“Oh, much better.”
“Cheers for making me feel like an dickhead.”
“I’m sorry.” She held her hands up. “I know it’s been hard and the things you’ve done weren’t exactly planned. You’re not an dickhead, Logan. You’ve never lied or cheated.”
I’ve lied. I lied to Jace every time he asked me what was up and I gave him some shitty reply about having a bad day at work or being tired. I lied to Chloe when she asked if I was cool with her dating – like it was even up to me.
“That’s done with now. And anyway, I don’t know if I slept with them all, I might’ve just
slept
.”
She bit the insides of her lips together, trying to force herself to keep a straight face. She looked ridiculous.
“Alright, fine, those odds aren’t great. Fact is, I did it and I regret it. I’ve got no diseases – thankfully – and I have no desire to play STI roulette again.”
“I know. I’m sorry, I really am. I didn’t want to make you feel bad. We all know you regret what you did.”
I regretted a lot, not just the women but there was nothing I could do about that now.
“Can we change the subject from my fuckups, please?”
“Sure. Why aren’t you dating? You’re not that hideous and to other women you’re not even that annoying.”
“Thanks,” I said sarcastically. “Having a girlfriend is hard work and I don’t need that shit right now.” And the only person I wanted for anything more than a night of fun was currently getting ready to have lunch with some other guy. That kind of put a damper on it.
“How would you know?”
“I’ve had girlfriends before, Cassie, I’m not a monk.”
She laughed so hard tears leaked out of the corners of her eyes. I rolled mine.
“Shit, even the mention of you and a monk in the same sentence…”
“You’re not funny,” I said. She didn’t stop laughing. “Alright, I’m outta here.” I left the kitchen and wished I’d swiped a bottle on my way through. The ache left behind by Chloe was getting harder to ignore and harder to mask.