“
How are you getting home
?”
he asks.
“
I’m walking.
”
He
sighs through his nose and
shakes his head
.
“Not alone.”
“It’s only a few blocks,” I insist
.
“Cat lives on
Sage Street
.”
“Come on,
” he says
.
“
I’m walking you
.
”
The night’s cool and there’s a chill in the breeze
.
I wa
nt to lean against Gray, I want
him
to wrap
h
is arm around my shoulders, but i
nstead
the cold air bites at my skin and Gray keeps a safe distance
.
We walk for a few minutes and
silence stretches around us
.
It’s so quiet
I can hear the electrical hum of
the
stre
etlight
s
.
I look up and see the North Star shin
ing—
the
brightest
light
in the sky
.
Looking at it gives me
inspiration
.
“Have you ever heard of a nova?” I ask.
Gray looks
up at the
sky and shrugs.
“
I
read about
it,” I say. “
It’s a sudden increase in the brightness of a star
.
It makes a dim, dormant star light
up
until it
’s
the brightest object in the
sky
.
Everything is ignited until all this
energy builds up and it shines
.
”
Gray
glares back at me
.
He knows what I’m
getting at
.
“That’s nuclear
fusion
,” he says
.
“
A
nd the star eventually blows up because it can’t handle
the reaction
.
”
He looks aw
ay as
I picture this
depressing
image
.
L
eave it to Gray to see the dark
side of my
love
analogy
.
Guess that tactic didn’t work
.
“Since we’re o
n
an
astrological kick,”
Gray says, “h
ave you heard of an eclipse?” I narrow my eyes because I know where he’s going with this
.
“One
second the sun’s shining and life is great and
then
all of a sudden, it disappears
,”
he says
.
“It just flitters off because
it can never sit still.”
I stop walking and turn to face Gray, my arms crossed over my chest
. H
e stops walking and
stares at
me
.
“
Okay,
let’s stop
playing this little
metaphor
mind game
because
unlike most girls, I don’t l
ive
for
drama.
”
He crosses his arms and stands in the same rigid posture
.
“
Like
I do?
”
“
Gray,
I’m sorry I didn’t call you when I was in Europe
.
I’m sorry I didn’t give you a heads up
when
I was coming back
.
I
don’t think
l
ogically,” I remind him
,
and he rolls his eyes
.
“
I
thought when I saw you over Christmas,
we agreed we’d see
each other when
we could make it happen
.
I should have stayed in touch
better, and I know I let you down. I just hope you can forgive me
.
”
I decide it’s time to throw out the words I’ve been waiting
to say
for months.
“
I still love you
,
”
I tell him.
He
frowns
at me and I know what he’s thinking
.
He thinks
I throw that word around too easily
.
“A lot’s changed.”
“Like what?”
“
What if I have a girlfriend?
”
I stare at him
.
“
Do you?
”
“No,”
he says and I
take a
breath
of
relief
.
“B
ut what if I did?
”
he
argue
s
.
I start walking again and he follows me
.
“
What if I’m over you
?
What if
I moved on just like you
were pushing
me to
do the first time you left
?
”
I fix my eyes on his
.
“
Have you
moved on
?
”
I wait to hear the words validated but
he
doesn’t answer
me
.
“
Gray,
we can p
lay
the
‘
what
if
’
game all night,”
I
say
.
“
I happen to love th
at
game
.
What if you
could breathe underwater? W
hat if
a human
baby
was born with six tongues?
”
Gray cocks his head to the side as he considers this one
.
“That c
ould never happen
.”
“W
hat if a meteor
the size of
Texas
hits the earth i
n two hours and sixteen minutes?” I continue
.
“
But
what’s the point
?
W
e can go
back and forth all night
wondering what if and
miss the fact
that this is it, this is life happening in front of
us
right now
and
we’
re
missing it,
dwell
ing
on
things
that
haven
’t happened
.
”
He shakes his head and I know what’s b
ugging
him
.
“See, you can be logical,” he says
.
“
I know it’s
been a while
, but
we
’ve both been
busy
and
happy and
living
out
our dreams
.
Right
?
”
H
is eyes have lost some of their
anger and
I
figure out
what’s wrong
.
He isn’t happy
.
The shadows are back
.
The lack of sleep
.
I know he’s up late
.
Thinking
.
Overanalyzing
.
I know his mind never quiets down and that’s one of the greatest things about him
.
But I can’t help that we met when we were so young, just when our lives were peaking with change
.
I can
’t
help that I wasn’t willing to give up my dreams, just when I was starting to live them
.