“Well, uh… I just assumed…” Now I was really red and embarrassed.
“Shannon, it’s okay to feel again, you know? He was a jerk and made you think that you weren’t worthy of a real man’s love, right? Don’t keep buying into that now that he’s gone. You wasted enough time, right?” Tanner was serious now.
“Yes, a lot of wasted time…”
“Then flirt… live your life… don’t be embarrassed of natural feelings and desires and wants…” Tanner sounded like a poet or philosopher.
Our serious conversation was interrupted by thunder starting outside. Storms during the hot Georgia summer could get tumultuous, so Tanner said he needed to put the horses up just in case.
“I guess you’ll have to see the horses another day, Shannon…” he said apologetically.
“That’s okay. This is just the beginning here, right?” I said smiling back at him.
With that, Tanner ran outside to bring in the horses and I sank into one of the kitchen chairs trying to sort out my feelings.
Chapter 11
Getting to know my new home was both fun and anxiety-producing. As I moved around changing the layout of my furniture and accessories, I realized just how alone I was. Sure, Tanner was working there on the farm, but this new life was mine to live. Alone. A widow who was happy that her husband died, but sad that her marriage never lived up to her expectations.
Then there was my beautiful Courtney. So full of life and hope for the future, I prayed that she would find the right man when the time came and still stay independent. I hoped that she wouldn’t make the same mistakes her mother made - letting a man degrade her and make her feel less than mud on the ground. It hurt my heart to imagine someone treating my daughter the way that I had allowed myself to be treated for 18 long years.
The day dragged on and on while Tanner worked on the farm waiting for storms to roll in and I sorted through my clothes, changed my decor five times and put up all of my new groceries. Finally settling in for a bit, I decided to lie down on the brown leather sofa.
Before long, I was in dream land…
“You stupid, bitch! Do you really think you can do anything without me? You are so useless!” John’s voice boomed in my ears. She shock of seeing him standing in front of me rocked me to the core.
“John, how did you… but you’re…” I stammered and stuttered sitting bolt upright and sliding backward across the sofa.
“Dead? You thought I was dead? I will never be dead, Shannon. I will be here to haunt you for the rest of your days…” John sneered.
“Leave me alone!” I screamed. Then I felt a warm hand touch my cheek startling me.
“Shannon? Are you okay?” Tanner spoke softly as he pushed the hair out of my eyes and behind my ear.
“Tanner?” I said confused looking around the room and behind me. “Where is he?”
“Who?” Tanner asked.
“John. He was here. He threatened me…” I was still breathless from the encounter.
“Shannon, it was just a nightmare, pretty lady. That’s all. It’s okay,” Tanner slid closer to me and pulled my face into his chest.
Tears were streaming down my face again. Would I ever get over the torment that John had put me through? Would I ever be whole?
I slowly pulled back from Tanner’s embrace and looked up at him.
“I’m sorry. I thought it was real. It sure seemed real…” I said softly as I stared down at my hands.
“It’s okay. That’s what friends are for, right?” Tanner smiled. Every smile was like a big welcome mat laid at my feet. His energy was everything I had ever wanted in a man, yet he was the last thing I thought I needed right then.
“Right. I guess you are my only friend in this town right now,” I said sighing.
“Hey, I am a pretty good friend. Plus, you have my mom too,” Tanner said sitting back a little on the sofa with one knee propped up in front of me and his arm resting along the back of the sofa.
“True. I really do appreciate you catching me when I fall…” I said smiling.
“Shannon, I am always happy to be your soft place to fall,” he said with a slight smile. My insides felt like they were turning to mush. How did he do that to me? I turned to butter, melting all over the place, when he spoke to me. It was like being back in high school when I had a crush on Tommy Stanton.
“Well, I am a bit of a klutz,” I joked.
“There you go again… avoiding the intimate moment…”
“I don’t get intimate with friends,” I said back sarcastically.
“Friends are the very people you should be intimate with… And I am not talking about sex, Shannon. I am talking about being open with people who care about you. It’s really okay. Don’t let him take that from you,” Tanner said. Just hearing the word “sex” come out of his mouth made me temporarily deaf to everything else he said.
Before I could respond, there was a clap of thunder outside that caused me to jump out of my seat. It was followed quickly by a lightning bolt that seemed to hit something nearby.
“I’d better check the weather,” Tanner said pulling his smart phone from his pocket. The look of concern growing on his face, he stood up and reached for my hand.
“Shannon, don’t panic, but we need to take shelter now,” he said calmly as he pulled me toward the foyer. He opened the door to the basement under the home, and led me down into the dark space.
“Tanner, what’s going on? I’m scared…” I said feeling as though I was suddenly a 10 year old little girl scared of the monster in my closet.
“It’s going to be okay… this house has rode out many a storm, pretty lady…” he said as we made our way down to the bottom of the stairs. The basement smelled old and musty. The walls were made of stone and the floor was dirt. There was a blanket folded up and sitting on an outcropping in the rock.
Tanner had a flashlight app on his smart phone and turned it on so we could see.
“Okay, here’s the deal. There is a tornado heading this way. We are safer down here…” he said.
“Safer?”
“Well, as safe as we can be right now, Shannon. Here, sit down…” Tanner spread the blanket out on the ground. “I put this down here last year when we had a tornado heading this way. Now, where are those lamps?” he muttered as he started looking around.
I sat down on the ground, more terrified of spiders creeping around than the impending storm. Tanner finally located an old lantern that he lit with some matches he had sitting on the ledge too. Hanging the lantern on a hook nearby, Tanner joined me on the blanket.
“You okay?” he asked quietly.
“I guess so. We’ve had tornado warnings before, but our house was so big… and brick…” I said. My pretentiousness sounded appalling to me.
“This place has been here long before our grandparents were even born. We’ll be okay…” Tanner said trying to calm my obvious fears.
“What would I do without you, my friend?” I said smiling as I instinctively reached out and touched his hand.
“Let’s not find out…” Tanner said grinning.
Suddenly, our tender moment was interrupted by a loud clap of thunder and the house shaking above us.
“Wow, that was strong… I hope everything is okay up there…” I said looking up at the ceiling.
“I can’t get any coverage on my phone down here,” Tanner said looking down at his smart phone. “Maybe we should talk to get our minds off of it,” he said.
“Okay. What do you want to talk about?”
“You,” Tanner said.
“What do you want to know?”
“What lights you up?” he asked. No one had ever asked me something like that.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean what fills your heart up with excitement? What makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning?”
I sat there for a moment stunned by the fact that I couldn’t come up with anything. It made me sad.
“I don’t know…” I said looking down.
“You don’t know?” Tanner was shocked at my answer.
“I never had a chance to find out really…”
“He really beat you down, didn’t he?” Tanner said through almost gritted teeth.
“Yeah. It was bad. Every day was pure torture. I lost myself somewhere during those 18 years…”
“Pardon me for asking, Shannon, but why the hell did you stay?”
“For my daughter,” I said quietly. “That is the only reason.”
“So you have a daughter too? Tell me about her.”
“Her name is Courtney. She is about to start her freshman year at UGA. She’s a great kid,” I said beaming as any proud mother would.
“You sound proud of her…”
“I am. She is the one good thing that came out of that marriage. She is the only thing I’ve ever done that I got right.”
Tanner stared into my eyes for a moment as if he was searching my soul. I felt like he could see right through me. I could feel his intensity right down to my very core. Desires were stirring in me that I couldn’t comprehend fully.
“I bet you’ve done a lot right, Shannon. You were just like a caged bird. Now you can fly, but you are still too afraid to leave the cage,” he said quietly.
“It’s only been a few days, Tanner…”
“How long are you going to wait to start your life, though, Shannon?”
“What do you even mean ‘start my life’? I have no choice but to start a new life here,” I said in a snipping tone. What did he want from me?
“When are you going to find what lights you up?” he asked.
“I don’t know… Let’s talk about you. What lights you up?” I asked changing the subject as quickly as I could.
“Lots of things… horses, cooking, being in love… dancing,” he said smiling.
“Dancing? I would never peg you for a dancer!” I said giggling out loud.
“I can dance. I mean I am not going to try out on Broadway or anything, but I’ve been known to cut a rug or two,” Tanner’s smile was infectious. His dimples made me want to bite him on his cheek.
“I would love to see some of your moves sometime,” I said continuing to laugh.
“How about right now?” Tanner said as he jumped up from his seated position and pulled out his smart phone. “I have some of my faves here on my mp3 player…”
A few seconds later, “Wonderful Tonight” by Eric Clapton started playing. I could feel a knot welling up in the pit of my stomach. This was NOT the kind of dancing I had anticipated.
Chapter 12
“May I have this dance, pretty lady?” Tanner stretched his hand down to me. Here I was in ratty yoga pants, an old t-shirt and my sneakers. I certainly didn’t look like I should be dancing.
“Tanner, I don’t think…” I started.
“Don’t leave a friend hangin’ here, Shannon…” he said in a pleading tone with a smirk on his face.
I stood up, took his hand and he pulled me in close. A lot closer than I expected. With one arm around my waist, he used his other hand to hold mine against his chest. I didn’t know where to put my face, so I kept it just an inch or so away from his chest. He smelled so good. A mixture of sweat and cologne. A manly smell that made me want to look up and plant a kiss on those full lips of his.