Second Chances (36 page)

“I think you can forget Lance. If we were still at Haven Falls, I might have been tempted, but I doubt I’ll ever lay eyes on him again. But Lyle is special,” Gil paused wondering how best to explain how he felt about his transgendered friend. He wanted Miles to understand about Lyle but even though Miles was a doctor, and Gil trusted him implicitly, he would not break confidences. It was up to Lyle to reveal all, if he wanted to. “Miles, he’s a nice…a nice guy. I had my reasons there. Still do.” Gil grinned. “But… he’s not the one… We didn’t make any promises, honestly. I couldn’t, but I count him as a friend. I hope he still does the same with me, but that’s where it stops.”

The one
…. Miles stiffened and released Gil’s hand, turning back to stare at the dark water. For Miles, there had only ever been one man, Darren. They might have enjoyed looking and wondering what it might be like having sex with other men, but that would always be as a threesome. In the end they hadn’t bothered because they were so wrapped up in each other; they didn’t have room for anyone else.

Gil’s soft voice continued. “I’m not unaware how I might seem to you… after all, Haven was a playground. I do promise you, I was careful,
very
careful. But I split with the only man I’d ever had a relationship with before I left home, and I was experimenting, footloose. Yet, I accused you of running away, and then realised I was doing the self same thing where Simon was concerned. The man was a pedantic bastard who used me. So… I guess I went a bit OTT.”

Realistically, Miles knew Gil had other lovers, but the mention of a name made the man seem real somehow. A growl threatened to roll out of Miles’ chest at the thought of anyone hurting Gil. “Maybe there was a degree of jealousy involved on my part. Wishing I could have that sort of relationship with other guys. Light hearted… fun.” Miles stood and walked a couple of steps towards the beach before turning back again. “To be frank, I haven’t really paid much attention to Lyle. All I saw was a pretty boy who took your eye. All I
remember
is that the kiss at the night club opening made me want to bash his head in. But, hey, that’s me.” Miles shrugged. “An over-intense possessive Aussie bastard. Flynn calls me Sad Max. The name probably fits.”

“Flynn has a strange brain. I think that head trauma didn’t help.” Gil smiled.

“Flynn gave me that nickname long before his fight with the little lamented undertaker!” Miles wiped his hands down the sides of his native skirt. “I suppose I owe you another apology for being jealous.” Shit, if only this sulu had pockets in it; he wanted to bury his hands away, hide them so Gil couldn’t see how much they were shaking. “I’ll back off. Sorry for coming on so strong.” Gil’s brows drew together at that.

“Have I given you the impression that… well, that your attentions aren’t welcome?” Gil was a little lost; it was as if Miles hadn’t been listening. “I was trying to explain that I might have come across as a bit shallow… I mean, I was playing the field. No one could blame you if you thought I just saw you as another quick shag… ”

“I wasn’t sure how you felt about me. You pushed me back a couple of minutes ago when I tried to kiss you.”

“Because I needed to tell you…” Gil took a deep breath and slowly let it out again. “Miles, I don’t feel that way about you. If you want to keep it casual, then fine. I thought maybe because of Darren, you know, you might not want….”

Miles interrupted him. “My problem was more that I felt guilty for feeling so strongly towards you. I felt like I was betraying him, his memory.” Miles stepped closer so he stood right in front of Gil. Their eyes were level, and even though no part of their bodies touched, heat seemed to join them together. He shook his head and shakily traced his finger along the edge of Gil’s jaw. “The trouble with me is that I don’t do casual. Sometimes wish I could.”

“I thought you couldn’t move past what happened. Darren said you needed to stop blaming yourself… but I saw all your photos. I wondered how the hell I could ever compare with him? You two were together for so long…”

“What photos?” Miles hand fell nervelessly at his side. “Oh, you mean all the ones on the mantle back at Haven Falls?” He gave a guilty start at Gil’s nod. After Darren’s death, Miles had spent ages staring at them, trying to supplant in his memory the image of his AIDS ravaged lover with Darren as he was before he became infected with HIV.
How long would he be able to do that without the reminder?
Miles sighed. The photos were probably lost now or packed away in some Federal agency store room. “Maybe it’s just as well they were left behind. I should move on.”

Miles stared into the dark behind Gil’s shoulder, almost as if he was searching for something. Conflicting emotions crossed the doctor’s face and Gil watched him warily, uncertain what conclusions the man was drawing behind those green eyes. At that moment, Gil was suddenly irrationally jealous of Darren. That a dead man could affect his chances with Miles left him feeling defenceless.

“Darren will always be a part of me, I can’t deny that. Hopefully, one day I’ll find a way to stop feeling guilty for being weak and needing him when I shouldn’t have.”

“What do you mean? How did your being weak cause a problem? You’re one of the strongest men I know.”

Miles sighed. He’d told the full story to Caroline, but he still hadn’t shared any of his past in Africa with Gil. The young man deserved to know the truth about the time they’d been taken hostage in Somalia. As he told his tale, Miles felt colder and colder. Maybe the air around him had cooled down as the night wore on, or more likely each revelation stripped away another layer of protection, leaving him more vulnerable.

Gil could see the obvious pain it caused Miles to remember and bare his soul. He didn’t interrupt and sat, listening as Miles described how they’d been held for ransom by warlords while working in Africa for an aid agency. He couldn’t help wincing as Miles recounted how he’d been flogged repeatedly. Gil resisted the urge to comfort, not wanting to distract or interrupt the flow. He had a feeling that Miles might break if he tried, and Gil needed to know what happened. Miles refused to meet his eyes, staring out to sea as if seeing the past while he haltingly described the fateful day when, after a particularly vicious session and against all their efforts to pretend they weren’t lovers, Miles turned to Darren for comfort. Their actions were detected and Darren had been dragged out and repeatedly raped by a succession of sadistic guards. It had been ages before he let Miles touch him, and by the time he did, they’d been released with the subsequent medical tests revealing Darren had contracted HIV.

No wonder Miles feels responsible
, Gil realised. Various things dropped into place: the doctor’s constant apologies, his need to atone, his dominating personality. Although his self esteem was in his boots, he felt a survivor’s guilt, he was never-the-less attempting to exert his control over whatever situation he was in. Gil began to wonder what he would be taking on if he pursued their relationship. Then he realised he didn’t care. Miles was Miles after all, the sum of what life had given him, and Gil wasn’t without his own baggage either. “We’re all products of our pasts,” he offered sympathetically.

Gil’s calm acceptance of the horrific truth made Miles appreciate the young man even more. Miles sighed and shakily traced the other side of Gil’s jaw. “Yeah, but we should learn from what happened and move on.”
The question is: can we? Can I?

“You ought to stop using that word then. Darren said that… in my…dream, whatever it was. He said you should stop blaming yourself, and you don’t have to take it like a man any more…”

“What word? Guilt?”

“Should. I
should
move on, I
should
stop feeling guilty, I
should
this, I
should
that. How you feel is how you feel, because the bottom line is, Miles, you are you. Stop apologising for that all the time.”

Miles snorted.
Should? What if it’s: I shouldn’t want you so much right now that it hurts to be near you and not able to touch you?
“I just hope I don’t forget the good times. I don’t want to remember Darren as he was in his last days. I want to remember him as he was in the photos I left back at Haven Falls, especially the one taken when we first met.”

“Don’t feel bad about forgetting them; they rushed us out of there too fast.” Gil watched Miles’ face. He looked wistful, a little lost. Once again Gil wanted so badly to reach out and offer comfort. “Would you do something for me? I would go, but it’s a long way back to my bedside…”

“What do you need?”

“That canvas bag of mine, the one in the locker? With all my stuff in.”

___________________________________________________

5th February, Rapatoka Island

Miles raised his eyebrows at Gil’s request. “Okay.” He shrugged and ambled back along the path to the small building that served as the island’s “hospital” and retrieved Gil’s bag as quietly as he could. It was heavier than he expected and banged against his shins as he jogged back down to the beach. “Is this what you want?”

“Careful…” Gil took it from him and placed it on the table, loosening the buckles and rummaging inside. “I have something for you. Maybe now is the time you need them…” He brought out the small bundles one at a time. Instead of the original hastily grabbed towel he’d used, Gil had managed to re-wrap them more carefully in bubble wrap and paper while they were on the plane.

At first as Gil retrieved the parcels from his bag, Miles hadn’t paid much attention to what he was doing, assuming the young man just wanted clothes or something. He barely gave it much thought when he took the first small parcel from Gil’s grasp and slowly removed the covering. As soon as the contents were revealed, all the breath escaped from his lungs in one whoosh. He stared in wonder at the young man beside him, the picture momentarily forgotten in his hands.

Gil watched Miles’ face as he carefully took out the rest of the pictures and stood transfixed. “He was part of you,” he said gently. “I shouldn’t feel threatened by that. He made you what you are, a loving dedicated man who can be an SOB sometimes, but whose heart is in the right place.”

“Thank you.” Miles shook his head as he placed the photos on the table. “Words can’t begin to describe how I feel.”

Gil shrugged and stared off into the distance, refusing to meet Miles’ eyes again.

Miles grabbed the sides of Gil’s head, tilting his face up to stare into those beautiful sad eyes. “Gil, don’t get me wrong. Do you want to know my first thought when I saw those photos?”

Gil nodded, but in his heart of hearts he really had no desire to hear that Miles’ thoughts were once again with his dead husband. Although what he had expected he wasn’t sure. Wasn’t that why he had done what he had done? But that was before his own feelings had coalesced so strongly and become so disturbingly clear.

“First up was relief that the photos weren’t lost.” Miles relaxed his grip and smoothed the area he’d held, but he wouldn’t let Gil turn his head away, wouldn’t let him go. “But the big reaction, the one that really hit home… hit me for six… out of the ballpark… was that you would do that for me.” Miles gave a wry grin. “I’m not sure I deserve someone as unselfish as you.” He leaned over and brushed his lips again lightly over Gil’s. “Thank you. Thank you for the photos, but most of all from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being you.”

“All any of us can ever be, Miles. Remember that.” Gil smiled a little sadly and reached to grasp the fabric around Miles’ waist, tugging him closer. “And talking of shouldn’t, I have a confession to make…” Now or never, Gil thought, taking another deep breath. “I shouldn’t love you, but I do…” Gil closed his eyes, unwilling to face rejection. “I’m sorry if this complicates things for you…”

A sudden gust of air off the lagoon sent a shiver up Miles’ spine. All the complications and uncertainties of the past few weeks wrapped themselves into a tight bundle and exploded like a dandelion clock, the seeds of doubt wafting away on the breeze, leaving him breathless. The breeze also cleared his brain, helped him understand his reaction when he saw the pictures. It had come as a surprise to discover that he had actually accepted their loss. Some part of him must have been ready to let go, even if he was too pigheaded to listen to it. In the soft light of the moon, Miles could see the worry in Gil’s expression as he waited for a response, his whole body tense with anticipation.

Unable to stand the tension any longer, Gil’s face screwed up in anguish and the young man tried to escape from his grasp. Miles’ world lurched; images flashing through his brain of what his life would be like without Gil; a world where he spent his nights alone, his spirit gradually dessicating and shrivelling up so that all that remained was the husk of a man. Shred him, and he’d be no better than the coconuts scattered on the ground around him. He couldn’t be like that. Without even thinking, his body made the decision for him, transferring his grip to Gil’s shoulders and using all his strength to prevent him from moving.

“No, wait…. please. This isn’t easy for me.” When Gil stopped struggling to break free, Miles brushed the back of his fingers across Gil’s soft lips and whispered. “What you just said… it shook me to my core. I never expected to hear anyone say those words to me again. Once, I wouldn’t have even dreamed I wanted to hear them. Wouldn’t have thought I needed to. All I know now is that ever since I met you, you’ve weaselled your way into my heart, occupying spaces I didn’t even know existed. It’s not that you’ve supplanted Darren, more that he’s moved aside to make room for you as well.”