I step over to the edge of the river and jump right in despite the fact that it's probably only about seventy degrees. It's so much colder than the lake because it flows right down from the mountains. It's just what I need right now. The cool water works its way through the thick fog of lust in my head, and once I'm all the way in, I turn back around to find Haylee standing on the edge with her hands on those gorgeous hips of hers smiling back at me.
“It looks cold,” she mugs. “I'll just stay up here and watch ya.”
Oh, hell no! She's getting in this water with me because I need to get my hands back on her before I go completely out of my mind. With one hand cupped beneath the water, I flick it up and out toward her, soaking her legs.
“Hey!” she shouts and takes a step back.
“You better get in here with me right now or I'm gonna come out there and drag you in,” I threaten and she smirks and cocks her head at me. I know what she's going to do before she even does it. I can see the teasing look in her eyes. Little does she know how much adrenaline and testosterone are flowing through my blood stream right now. She doesn't stand a chance.
I giggle when, sure enough, I hear the swoosh of the water from behind me as he climbs back out. I've only gotten a few steps away from the blanket when his big, cool arms wrap around me from behind and lift me right off the ground. I laugh and struggle to escape but I know it's useless, and besides, why would I want to get out of his arms anyway?
“I warned you,” his voice is low and laced with promise as he leans his mouth down right beside my ear. Chills break out across my whole body even before he's wrestling me down into the cool water. Once we are all the way submerged, laughing the whole way, he lets me loose just enough to spin me around to face him. With one of his large hands, he holds both of my wrists together behind my back and uses his other arm to wrap around my upper back.
The water is shockingly cold, but I'm not feeling it. I still feel like I'm burning up from the inside out, pressed up against his rock hard chest. “So you wanted me to become a popsicle?” I ask, tilting my head up to look him in the eyes.
A huge grin breaks out across his face as he looks down at me. “Yes . . .I did. Because then you'll need me to warm you up.”
I hold his gaze with a smile on my face for a few seconds before I lift up on my tiptoes and press my lips to his once again. He still has a hold of my wrists behind my back and our chests are pressed together tightly. This time some kind of low moan resounds from deep within his chest, and the effects of that sound shoot straight between my legs.
Kissing Chase is like nothing I've ever experienced before. Sure, I've kissed a few guys before, but it had always been sloppy, or awkward, or I just plain felt nothing during and after. The very instant that Chase's lips touch mine, everything changes for me. His lips are surprisingly soft but urgent and that sends my stomach straight up into my throat. I think I'm going out of my mind as he slides his tongue along my bottom lip. Most guys just go ahead and shove their tongue into your mouth, but not Chase, ever the gentleman.
All this time, I had assumed that something is wrong with me when I'd never felt anything for any guy before. I am attracted to guys for sure, so I know that I'm not a lesbian. One kiss from Chase and it's as if my body has finally come alive. Every nerve ending is singing with pleasure and my skin feels as though it's on fire.
He releases my wrists and reachs up to pull the elastic out of my hair. His hands slide up underneath the curtain of my hair, pulling back gently to tilt my face upward more. With my hands now free, I move them slowly between us and over the smooth planes of his stomach and chest. He feels so amazing beneath my fingertips and I completely forget about the water being chilly.
“I've dreamed about this. . . for so many years now,” Chase speaks between kisses. “And usually everything is better in dreams. . .but not this. . .not being here, kissing you for real. . .this time reality is
so
much better.”
“I've never even had a
dream
that good,” I smile sheepishly and enjoy that he still keeps his arm wrapped around my lower back, keeping me close. He chuckles as though I'd been joking, but it's the truth.
I feel flush and drunk with desire as we pull back from each other. His eyes are hooded and his lips are red from kissing mine. I want to kiss him again and again, and I never want to stop.
He suggests that we warm up for a few minutes since I'm trembling. I'm not entirely sure how much of that has to do with the water temperature though. We sit back down on the blanket and pack up the remnants of our picnic. I can't get over how quickly things have changed or how comfortable I am with it all. It just feels right.
“There's still some stuff I have to tell you, Hayles,” he says with a sadness to his voice that catches my attention. “I don't want there to be any more misunderstandings between us and I want to be totally honest with you. And you can ask me
anything
afterward. I'll be an open book.” I've almost forgotten that there are still questions I have for him and things that he has alluded to but never elaborated on. Not that we've had a whole lot of time to catch up. Things have been a whirlwind so far. I can't help but feel apprehensive as I wait.
I also have the realization in the back of my mind return to me suddenly reminding me that this is all temporary. Sooner or later Chase will be returning to California and I'll be here in Wake Forest. Can I just enjoy it while it lasts? Not without getting hurt later on, but I'm afraid I'm long past the point of no return where my feelings for Chase are concerned.
We settle onto the blanket for the heavier talk. “So the first couple of months I was in California, I was crazy lonely. I got pretty down and depressed and even boarding wasn't enough to bring me back up again,” he starts and I'm surprised by this. No one loved boarding more than Chase did, but I guess he'd always had us here to share that love with before. “After about a year of being out there, Dylan and I started hanging out at his place and going to bars and clubs at night and I was looking for anything to pass the long nights and loneliness of missing you and the guys back here.”
My stomach clenches suddenly for fear of where this conversation is headed. Chase glances away from me and out toward the river and I can tell that whatever he's about to say is difficult for him. “One night while we were out, I got really trashed and went back to this girl's place that I'd met up with at the club. I felt like total shit the next day. I didn't even know what her name was and I couldn't get out of there quick enough.”
How the hell had he even gotten served alcohol when he was eighteen? Do I really want to hear this? I'm not quite sure I have a voice right now to object anyway, and Chase's expression is far off, like he isn't really here with me as he talks.
“I hated myself that morning, but the night before. . .I was numb and I don't remember much of it. You can't feel pain when you're numb and the time passes more quickly when you don't remember it. I told myself I wouldn't do something like that again, but eventually I did. It got to be a pattern for me.There would be parties after the competitions that I was in, and the girls started to recognize me. I always felt lower than low the next morning, but I wanted the escape so bad again the next night. It's awful, I know, but it was an easy escape.”
I can feel tears burning my eyes and sliding down my cheeks. This just doesn't sound anything like Chase. Not the Chase I know. And I can't help but wonder if I really know him at all. He turns slowly to face me then, and he looks absolutely defeated. I can't imagine having to admit that to someone that I cared about. Does he really care about me? Is he capable? He had just admitted to completely detaching himself from the act of sex. How . . ?
“I can imagine you have a million questions already, and I'll answer them the best the can. . . I swear. . . but there's still more,” he says, and my tears are pouring down my cheeks now. Did I want to hear more? Hell no! How much more?
“That was my existence for awhile and even Dylan tried to help me straighten out. He just couldn't understand the pain and loneliness. Everything in Wake Forest was still so up in the air and I just couldn't let go. It killed me to think that none of you wrote back. About a year ago at a party after my first title at King of Wake, I met a girl and she talked me into trying something other than just booze. I was already drunk, not thinking straight, and she talked me into trying cocaine.”
I can't stop my hand from coming up to cover my mouth. I'm not sure if I am going to scream or throw up, but I really don't want to hear any more. Chase tears his gaze away from me because it's probably too painful to look at me. I'm certainly not able to hide my emotions at this point. His eyes are filled with tears now too. I don't know if it's from shame or fear or what, but I really hope this is the end of what he needs to tell me. “Dylan didn't even know for awhile, but the cocaine helped numb the pain again when booze wasn't doing it anymore. The night Dylan found out was about ten days ago. . .”
I whimper beneath the hand that's still covering my mouth. He'd been doing cocaine until just ten days ago?
“I told you that I finally hit rock bottom. Well, I OD'd ten days ago and I woke up in the hospital with no one there. I didn't know where I was or what happened. It was the scariest freakin' moment of my life.” Tears are pouring down his face now too, and I have no idea how to react to this. “My own parents didn't even come in to see me. They were embarrassed and worried about being seeing with their son the 'druggie' in the hospital. Dylan came in and told me that he'd found me unconscious on the floor of our apartment. I still don't know for sure what happened that night, and all I could think about was what if I had died? I'd have never gotten the chance to see you again. To tell you face to face how I felt. It would have all been for nothing,” his voice broke off in a sob then, and without even thinking, I threw myself onto his lap and wrapped my arms around him. We were both sobbing then and I felt so much of his pain. I couldn't imagine what it had been like living through it.
“When I got out of the hospital, my parents sent a car for me. . . a fucking car! They couldn't even be bothered to come and get me. They had taken me away from everything I loved back here and they couldn't even come pick me up from the hospital. Everything changed for me then. I knew I was done with the girls and the coke. I don't want any part of that shit anymore. I had to come back here and get my life back.” He pulls back slightly and with his hands on either side of my face, he tilts me up to look him in the eyes. His beautiful blue eyes look so full of pain I almost can't take it. “I came back here to see you, Hayles. To see if there is the possibility of a second chance. This is where I belong. I'm so sorry for all of the mistakes I've made.”
I break down all over again and bury my face against his neck. I'm not sure how long we stay like that, crying on each other. I finally lean back a bit and look at the broken boy holding me in his arms. “I can't tell you how sorry I am for letting you down, Hayles,” his voice is barely more than a whisper. “I feel like I'm letting you down just by telling you, but I needed you to know.”
“Thank you for telling me. I know it wasn't easy for you,” I murmur. I do appreciate his honesty, but I feel like I've been hit by a train and backed over by a semi all at the same time.
“You mean the world to me, Haylee, and I don't want you to ever see me the way I was then. I promise you I will never touch that shit again as long as I live.”
He is sincere. I can see it in his eyes, all bloodshot and cloudy. But holy shit, this is serious stuff. Is he strong enough to never touch it again? I'd heard horror stories about that stuff all the time. “I can see what you're thinking and it's not gonna happen
ever
again.” I nod and let my head rest on his shoulder again. It's so much to process and I feel like I've just run a marathon. I feel the warmth of his hand running up and down my back, and I try to relax. I can't get the horrific images out of my mind though. I picture him unconscious on the floor and I feel like I'll start bawling all over again. I want to go back in time to before we had this conversation and just make out again.
“Please don't go silent on me, Hayles. I need you to ask me whatever you want. I need to be sure you're okay,” he whispers and I can feel the way his voice rumbles then beneath my ear. I can't believe he's worried about whether or not
I
am okay right now. I am worried about whether
he
is, in fact, okay.
I rub my hands over my face to try and get my thoughts together. Chase is here with me right now and I
need
to get it together. We've just cried our eyes out together over the past and he wants to answer my questions. But where on earth do I even start? I take a deep breath and turn to face him. “How many?” It's all I can get out at the moment.
He pulls his brows together and searches my face for a second before he asks, “How many what?”
Ugh. I don't even want to say it! I can feel myself starting to shake as though I am cold. “Girls. . . women. . .”
His bites down on his bottom lip and lets his head fall slightly, ashamed. “I don't know,” his voice is so soft that I almost can't hear it. “I honestly don't know and I know it's terrible.”
I can feel the tears returning to my eyes. How am I supposed to deal with that? “Look at me, Hayles,” he whispers as he puts one hand on my cheek. I turn to face him, the tears dripping from my eyes again. I don't want to be weak, but this is Chase and hearing this is, well, disturbing. “I know it doesn't make it any better or change anything, but not one of them meant a damn thing to me. I have loved you since we were kids. I've been
in
love with you since I was fourteen. That never stopped. That never changed for me. I was lonely and broken up by being away from you. . . .I just didn't know how to deal and I went about it
all
wrong.”
I nod slightly as if I understand. I don't, of course. I can't. But I need to try. . .somehow. “When will you go back to California?” I guess I figure I might as well get all the hardest questions out of the way.
I'm surprised though when he smiles slightly through his tears and smoothes my hair back away from my face. The look in his eyes is so raw and tender. “That's the thing, Hayles. I don't want to go back. I want to stay here. . . with you. This is where I belong.”
God, that is what I've wanted to hear, but never imagined that I would! I don't dare let myself believe it though. His life is in California now. I cannot get my hopes up. He must see the reservation on my face. “I'll need to go back to finish some stuff up and get my things, but I plan to come right back here.” I can't help it, but my heart and mind go back to the day he told me he was leaving in the first place. He had promised me things that I knew now he hadn't lied about, but my heart hadn't caught up to the new reality yet and still felt the same way. I am so afraid of empty promises.