“I spent some time in town this morning looking into a few things. I want to buy a place on the lake and start over fresh here. I want to go to school and finish my degree. I really want to open a wakeboard training facility here. That part may be a little ways off, but what I found out in town gave me some hope at least,” he explains and I'm surprised by the level of detail with which he has thought this out. A blossom of hope starts in my heart, but I have to keep it small right now. I can't get hurt again. “Can you look beyond all the crap that I did and still see
me
?”
I look at him then, really look at him. His blue eyes hold mine with an intensity that scares me. I've never felt something so powerful from just a look. I want him to be the same boy I have always known but a lot of time and tough experiences have gotten in the way. I guess I'm not totally the same person any more, so there's no way I can expect him to be either. As much as I understand that I can't live in the past any longer, the future scares the hell out of me. “I can try,“ I say softly.
He smiles and wraps his arms around me and I welcome the warmth and comfort. “You're shaking. Are you cold?” he pulls back to ask me.
I shake my head. I don't know what I am right now. In shock, maybe? He reaches behind him and snags my backpack. He pulls out my hoodie and helps me pull it on over my head. It helps some but the shaking doesn't stop. My eyes are drawn to his tattoo. I'm sitting in his lap, for Pete's sake, and it's so close. ”When did you get this?” I ask, my fingertips gently tracing across the ink on his chest. It's, in fact, a silhouette of a wakeboarder with his board up in a grab just like I had thought. I hear him suck in a quick breath at my touch. Now that I'm so close, I can see that on the board is a letter 'H'.
“My eighteenth birthday present to myself,” he replies and I can feel him watching me while I study it.
I hold my finger against the letter and asked, “Hyperlite?” I assume it's the logo for a board company. His lips lift up in one corner but his eyes are still so serious and his skin is so warm.
“Not Hyperlite,” he replies. He reaches up then and places his hand over mine over his heart. “Haylee.” It takes me a second to realize what he's saying. He means that the 'H' on his tattoo stands for my name.
I watch as realization dawns on her face. I've thought about this moment so many times over the last few years. What would she think? What would her face look like? “It represents my two loves. . .wakeboarding . . .and you, Hayles.” Her eyes fill with tears and I panic for a second before I see the corners of her mouth pull up into a smile.
Telling Haylee about the stupid, shitty choices I've made is just plain painful. She is the one person that I never want to think poorly of me, the one person I never want to let down, but I know that I have. I do feel a sense of freedom now that the truth is out there though. I'm scared to death, however, of how she will react. Just seeing the disappointment and pain in her eyes, tears me apart inside. I can't lose her over this, not after finally getting a taste of her. I want so badly to just wrap her up in my arms and kiss her senseless. Show her how much I mean what I say.
She surprises the hell out of me when she lifts her hand up to the side of my face and brings my mouth down to meet hers. There's a raw edge to the way I kiss her this time. I'm so overwhelmed by my emotions that I can't keep it slow and gentle. She responds to the intensity with her own edge, and I love it.
When we finally pause for a breath, I notice that she has finally stopped shaking. I smooth her hair back from her face, tucking it behind her ears. “I can't believe you got my initial tattooed on your body,” she says softly, looking almost embarrassed.
“Why not? I told you I've loved you forever and I plan to continue that for even longer,” I reply.
“When do you plan to go back to California then?”
I sigh just thinking about that. “I'm not sure yet. I haven't really thought that far ahead. Soon, I guess, so that I can check that box and be done with it.” She nods. “Can I ask you something now?” I'm terrified by the thought of her answer to my question, but I just have to know. She nods easily and waits for me to speak again.
“How many guys have there been for you?”
She looks confused. “As in dated?”
I shake my head. “No, as in slept with. . .” She drops her eyes from mine immediately then and I feel nauseous. I know I am a hypocrite of the worst possible kind, but I can't even stand to see Parker putting his hands on her let alone. . .
“I've never slept with anyone, Chase,” she seems bothered by her answer but my heart is soaring. Why on earth would she be embarrassed about that? I have no idea how, but I've dodged a bullet on this one. Haylee is so beautiful and so loving and so full of life. How has no one snagged her away from me? I don't even feel like I deserve her, but I know I could never stay away. I kiss her forehead and each of her cheeks before I bring my lips back to hers. I need her to know that she has nothing to worry about.
We pack up our picnic supplies and head back to the truck. The hike back is kind of quiet and heavy as we each think about all we've discussed this afternoon. I drive us back to Haylee's and walk her up to her house.
“You can come in if you want,” she tells me as she opens the front door. I grab her hand before she steps inside and she turns to face me.
“I'm just gonna go back to Griff's and take a shower,” I tell her. I figure she could use some time to think and I'm not sure I can trust myself being alone with her in her house, now that I know how she feels. “I want to thank you though, for going with me today and for listening to everything I had to tell you. I know it wasn't easy to hear, because it wasn't easy to say.”
She smiles up at me and I immediately feel my heart respond, pounding stronger and more steadily. “Thank you for taking me and for being honest about everything.” She lifts up onto her tiptoes and I still have to bend down a bit to meet her. She gives me a quick kiss, but that isn't good enough for me. I reach an arm around her lower back and pull her right up against me. I kiss her again, just like I've waited six years to do. I instantly feel her respond to me and that makes it all the more difficult to let her go.
I find myself smiling as I drive back over to Griff's place. His truck is the only one in the driveway, but the boat is out, so he must still be out joy riding. I grab a quick shower and decide to finally check my phone. I've had it turned off since I got here because I don't want to deal with anything from back in California for a little while. It powers back up while I pull on a t-shirt and a pair of cargo shorts. The damn thing starts pinging like crazy and I sigh heavily as I sit down on the bed to finally look at who is trying to reach me. There are a bunch of text messages from Dylan and my agent, Lexi, and even one from my mom just checking in to make sure I'm alright, because apparently Lexi has been calling her and has even stopped by their house looking for me. Just great.
I send Mom a quick text letting her know that I'm fine and that I'd talk to Lexi, so she'd stop bugging her. Dylan is starting to wonder about me too. I guess I can't really blame them. I'd gotten out of the hospital just ten days ago after ODing. I send Dylan a text, since he's the only one that I'm telling where I am. He and I talked a lot about my life here in Wake Forest and my feelings for Haylee. I know that he will understand. I even told him that I am planning to move back here. He's quick to respond, and I'm relieved when he seems happy for me and even offers to help out if I need anything.
Lexi will be a different story. Her texts have been frantic about where the hell I am and why I'm not responding. I don't tell her where I am because she's just impulsive enough that I wouldn't put it past her to fly out here to get me. I tell her that I'll be back in a few days to finish up my obligations, and that I'm moving back to Wake Forest after that. I know that will not go over well, but this is what I need and want to do. Naturally I get a text back from her right away and she's flipping out. I really don't want to deal with this right now.
Unfortunately, things with Lexi are kind of complicated. Dylan introduced us and she was a great manager and a huge relief to me at first. Of course, I made the mistake one night of getting drunk with her and then sleeping with her. For me, it had been just that, a drunken mistake. Lexi however has believed ever since then that there is something more than business between us. I've tried to keep things very clearcut and told her flat out that I'm not interested in anything like that, but she's very strong-willed and determined. I finally just let it slide and started ignoring her advances. My heart has only ever belonged to Haylee.
I hear Griff's boat pull up to the dock as I ignore more of Lexi's frantic texts demanding to know what the hell is going on. She'll be fine once I am gone. There are plenty of people in California who need a manager. Griff comes into the house alone a few minutes later. His 'friends' must have taken off.
The door to my room is open but he knocks anyway. “What's up, Griff?” I say and he saunters in.
“How'd things go with Haylee today? She try to kill you at all?” he asks as he flops down into a chair in the corner with a goofy grin on his face.
I smile and shake my head. “No attempted murder,” I tell him. “It was good. We talked and I finally got to come clean about everything and she didn't freak out like I'd expected. I'm a little worried about now that she's alone and thinking things through more though. . .”
“Any decisions on what you're doing next?”
I grin at that question finally. I had come here for answers, closure, because it is where I felt I wanted to be, and a whole bunch of other reasons. Once I got here though, I've had no idea what to expect or what my plans for the future are. Now for the first time I feel like I could finally give an answer. “I'm gonna go back and finish up my obligations, and then I'm packing my stuff and coming back here.”
“Really?” Griff seems surprised either by the answer or the fact that I actually can answer. “That's awesome, man!”
He and I sit there throwing some ideas back and forth about my plans for the future and what I'm going to do when I get back here for good. I have no desire to even go back to California, but I have one more competition that I've already signed up to do and my stuff to pack up. I'd have to break ties with Lexi and although that will be a huge load off my mind for me, I know she isn't going to make this easy on me. Not to mention breaking the news to my folks. I have no idea how that will go either. They are so self-absorbed these days that they probably won't care one way or the other. In any case, I'm relieved that my future is clearer. I need to get things wrapped up in California so that it is finally just a memory.
I'm on autopilot once Chase drops me off after our date. At least I think it was a date? Maybe that hadn't really been the plan heading in, but that's how it feels in the end. I drop my backpack on the floor of my room and head in to get a shower. I'm so spaced out that I don't really remember taking my bathing suit off or getting into the shower. I just stand there as the hot water pours down over my body. I keep replaying everything we talked about earlier and I realize I am shaking and crying. Great. I'm having a mini breakdown in my shower. My body begins to feel weak, so I just sit down against the wall and cry.
I had been so elated to learn the depths of Chase's feelings for me. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought that he would actually return the feelings that I'd had for so long. I hadn't been crazy all those years feeling that way toward my friend, because he'd felt it too. The way he had kissed me. . .that alone could have told me the depth of his feelings without any words. It had been incredible. Had I known kissing could be like that, I might have tried dating a little more. Not to mention that my initial is permanently inked on his amazing chest. Holy shit!
There is a flip side to my happiness though. I had to hear about how my friend and the object of my affections has been a man whore. All the time I was uninterested in dating and flat out miserable here, he'd been filling that void /.by sleeping around. I have to stop myself from thinking about this or I know that it will devour me from the inside. I love Chase with all my heart, but I'm a virgin. He's been with so many women, it terrifies me to wonder if my inexperience will disappoint him. Will I alone ever be enough for him? Can he actually settle down and be with just me or will his past infiltrate our relationship?
Hearing how the boy I had grown up with got messed up on cocaine and almost died is enough to break my heart. It instantly brings tears to my eyes to picture him lifeless on the floor and knowing that he did that to himself. The thought of him using again terrifies me too. Things might be okay right now, but what happens when things aren't so good? Will he get sucked back in? I can't live with that.
I realize that my fingers are pruning and I still haven't actually washed myself. I finish up quickly in the shower and get myself ready again while I weigh my options. I can't imagine saying no to a relationship with Chase now that I've just gotten him back. I can't bear the thought of giving up the way he looks at me, the way it feels to be held in his arms, the way he kisses me. . .but can I deal with all the negatives that caused me to have an emotional breakdown in the shower just a few minutes ago? I'm going to have to take this one day at a time. I just wish my heart didn't tend to leap so far ahead of me.
Once I'm dressed, I head downstairs and try to busy myself by cleaning up the kitchen. I put the dishes from the sink into the dishwasher and wash the coffee pot but my mind just keeps wandering back to Chase and whether or not we can really make this work.
This is one of those moments when I wish that Brynn and I were still close, or that I had another girlfriend to talk to. I feel like I'm going to go mad without something to distract me. I need to get out of the house and just think for a while where I feel the most at peace. I slide into my flip flops and head off across the street. I can see that Griff, Chase, and Mrs. Michaels' cars are in the driveway, so I walk through the trees where I won't be seen. I don't want to talk to the boys right this minute, so I don't want them to know I am here. I make my way quietly through the trees down to the barn, and after looking to make sure no one is outside on the back patio, I dart in to the small door on the west side of the barn, since it's closer to the trees and further from the house.
“Hey, Majesty,” I whisper to the fawn-colored mare as I rub her nose. “I didn't bring any treats this time.” The smell of dust and hay floats to my nose and I relax. I'll just spend some time with the animals. They are so much easier than humans sometimes. Punkin meows her greeting as she drops down from the stacked bales of hay and scampers on her three legs over to me. I reach down and stroke her chin and find that she is already purring. See? So much easier!
I'm heading to get some oats for the horses when I notice an empty cardboard box with a sheet of paper tacked to it on the ground at the base of the hay. I pick up the paper and find that Dr. Michaels has left a note for Griff and I letting us know that someone dropped off a pregnant cat by the barn that morning and that she is probably due any day now. It's not uncommon to find animals that no one else wants or can care for here by the barn.
I scan around looking for the new addition and finally find her crouched down between a couple of bales of hay. She's a tiny, grey, short-haired cat with her green eyes wide with fear. I walk over slowly and crouch down beside one of the bales of hay. I reach my hand out to let her smell it and I'm surprised that she seems receptive to me. Poor thing is that pregnant and just got dropped off at some strange place. Sometimes people really infuriate me! I'm officially distracted and thankful for it as I hurry back across the street to my house to get an old blanket and then return to the barn by way of the trees. I line the box with the blanket and slide a couple of bales of hay apart a little bit to create a quiet nook for Momma. Punkin is by my feet the whole time and doesn't seem to be too bothered by Momma's presence. After sitting and talking with her, Momma allows me to pet her head. She's starting to trust me and that lightens the burden on my heart.
After a few minutes though, Punkin is rubbing against my arm trying to get me to pet her again. She crawls up into my lap and puts her paw on my chest. Her eyes are so full of love and affection that it melts my heart even more. I finally lean back against one of the bales of hay and Punkin makes herself right at home in my lap. I stroke her shiny, orange fur while Momma watches and sees that I can be trusted.
Suddenly, I get the feeling that I'm being watched and glance around. Sure enough, Chase is leaning against the westside door with a big smile on his handsome face while he takes in the sight of me on the floor of the barn with Punkin nestled in my lap. My heart thumps harder just looking at him.
“I may get jealous of that one,” he says with a grin as he strides over to us. “I've seen you kiss him and now he's in your lap.”
“Punkin is a
she
, so I wouldn't be too worried,” I tell him with a smile of my own.
“And you come over here to the barn, but you don't come see me,” he murmurs as he sits down beside me. Is he really jealous? He reaches his hand out to pet Punkin and she leans her little head right into his hand with her eyes closed contentedly. Hell, I feel like doing the same thing when he's near.
“Sorry, but I needed some time to just. . . think for a while,” I explain. He nods his understanding and glances to where Momma is crouched. I tell him what the note said about her.
“So, we won't be able to get you out of the barn until she has her kittens, will we?” he teases. There have been a couple of pregnant cats here before and I always want to be there for the birth. There were even a few nights when I was young that I'd slept in a sleeping bag in the barn. I'd made Griff, Brynn, and Chase join me once too.
“I don't know. If you kiss me like you did earlier, I might be more interested in other things,” My cheeks flame even as I say it and his blue eyes light up.
“So we're okay then? I was afraid if you thought about things too much you'd toss me aside where I probably belong,” he says and I sit up to face him. I hate to hear him talking down about himself like this. He's never been like this before.
“Chase, I couldn't turn away from you,” I say and hold his gaze with my own. “I'm scared to admit it, but I love you.”
“I love you too, Hayles,” he whispers. He reaches one hand up and lets his fingertips trace along my cheekbone as his eyes travel down to my lips. I shiver from the chills I get from his touch. “So much.” His eyes begin to close as he leans toward me and then I feel the warmth of his lips against my own. I want to draw closer to him but Punkin is still in my lap and I'm sure she has no intention of moving. I tilt my head though and nip my teeth along his bottom lip. He moans and brings his other hand up to the base of my neck. I gently push Punkin out of my lap and she meows in protest. I'd make it up her later. I move so that I'm straddling Chase's legs, letting my hands travel up into his hair. This brings another groan from deep in his throat and he weaves his fingers into my hair at the nape of my neck. Something inside me is telling me to keep going and it's an addictive feeling. It's the powerful feelings and the passion I feel for this boy. . .man. I love the way his arms feel around me and the taste of his mouth as it moves against mine.
“Whoa,” comes someone's voice, and Chase and I pull away from each other. We find Griff standing in the main doorway to the barn with Sam at his side, trying to look anywhere but at the two of us. “Gonna take some time to get used to seeing that,” he jokes, sliding his hands into the pockets of his jeans and walking farther in.
Chase smiles at me as though he likes the way Griff is reacting. I quickly scoot off of his lap, a little bit embarrassed. I've never been one for PDA and I had thought we were alone.
“I was just coming out to check on the cat Dad just told me about, but I can leave if y'all want,” Griff offers, as a shit-eating grin spreads across his face.
“That'd be awesome, man,” Chase calls out to him and I smack his arm. They both laugh at me. Great. I really need a girlfriend!
“Momma is over here,” I tell Griff, trying to distract them from their little laugh session at my expense.
“Momma, huh?” Chase asks.
“Hey, it fits,” I shrug, but I can't tear my mind away from that kiss. It's as if I've been possessed and can't get enough of Chase. Griff leans over to peek at Momma and I look over at Chase. He can stand there doing nothing and still set my heart racing. Of course he looks over and catches me checking him out. He winks at me and holds out his hand.
“We all sleeping out here tonight?” Griff asks as I take Chase's hand. They both look at me like they think I'll say yes.
“No, don't worry I won't make your grown asses sleep out here,” I tell them and feel Chase weaving his fingers through mine. We've held hands plenty of times before but this time is different. I can tell that he thinks so too by the look on his face. That half smile and those heavy-lidded eyes. This feels so right, but that scares me for so many different reasons. I'm really wishing that Griff hadn't shown up. Not that I'd have taken it all the way in the barn or anything, but I definitely want to take it all the way somewhere and soon!
We spend what's left of the daylight out on the water and the Michaels invite Chase and I to join them for a late dinner. It's dark by now and they're grilling out on the patio. It feels like the old days aside from the fact that Brynn is missing.
Chase walks me home that night even though I've walked home alone in the dark a million times before. He holds my hand in his as we walk and everything feels brand new. My heart is soaring with happiness and there seems to be an endless rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins. So this is what it feels like to be in love and actually have that person beside you. I love the feeling and never want to come down from the high I'm on.
We stand facing each other on my front porch and I'm glad that the light is off so that Mom won't be able to see anything. I know that he is going to kiss me. It's strange to be living the cliché. Guy kisses girl good night on her front porch as they're secretly hoping their parents aren't watching. I feel like I'm thirteen!
“Today was a great day for me, Hayles, even with emotions all over the place at the river,” his voice is low and husky and he reaches a hand up to tuck my hair behind my ear, letting it rest along my neck. “I can't tell you how happy I am.”
“Me too,” I tell him. “You can come inside,” I suggest, my newly awakened libido doing the thinking for me now. I don't know if Mom is still up, but I figure not. I just don't want to say goodbye to him.
Even as a boyish grin spreads across his face, he's shaking his head no. “You're really testing my resolve here, Hayles.” His voice is even lower now and he leans down to kiss me briefly. “I'll see you tomorrow.” He kisses me again, and this time he isn't brief, and his lips and tongue are insistent. I wonder if maybe he's going to change his mind about coming up, when he suddenly pulls away and I'm left cold and alone. I still smile though as I head inside. Chase and I are finally together.
The next morning I'm up early for dance and dreading it even more than normal. I haven't heard Mom up and about and I'm hoping to get out of here before she is. I'm not ready to face her yet. I slide into a blue sports bra and grey boy shorts. I pile my hair up on top of my head, grab my dance shoes, and head downstairs. I luck out and Mom isn't anywhere to be seen. I can't help but look over at Griff's. Chase is there and I just want to be with him.
Just get it over with
, I tell myself as I climb into my car and head into town towards the studio.
It's brutal as usual and I can't stop looking at the clock the whole time we're practicing. I'm sure Madame Eileen noticed, but thankfully she doesn't say anything. I'm the first one to grab my bag and dart for the door. I shove the glass door open with my car keys on the ready and I freeze when I look up. Chase is leaning against the wooden railing that edges the sidewalk. To say that I am surprised is an understatement. I didn't even tell him what time I get done with practice.