“Chase came back and now you two are finally an item,” she tips the thermos back for another pull of the golden liquid. “I always thought it would be me that would end up with him.”
My eyes fly wide with shock. I never knew Brynn had feelings for Chase as well. Or maybe she just meant because she is prettier, which she is fond of telling me. All the time.
“Oh, don't worry,” she slurs and touches her hand to my arm in a friendly gesture. “I'm not after your man or anything. I just. . .I just thought things would turn out so differently back in the day.” She is wistfully looking out over the water now, and I know when she is talking about. When we'd all been best friends and grew up making plans for our futures together.
“Me too,” I say softly, watching her. Maybe Brynn should always be drunk.
“Haylee, I'm sorry I've been such a bitch to you,” she tells me, wobbling for a second on the bench as she turns to face me. She has tears mixed with mascara streaming down her cheeks. There had been a time when I would have seen this as a perfect opportunity to snap a photo of her to show around school, but she seems quite serious. “I 've been so awful!” she cries. “It was just . . .I was just. . . sad and hurt and scared and. . .and . . .and dirty. . .” she drops her head against my shoulder then and sobs. I slowly put my arms around her as I try to make sense of what she's saying. The sad, hurt, and scared part, sure, we've all been there, but dirty? What does she mean by that?
“I never told anyone this before, Haylee,” she says then as she sits up and looks me right in the eyes. Her eyes are filled with sadness and I feel sorry for her all of a sudden. This is not the Brynn I know of the last few years. “I was fourteen and Darren was twenty.” Darren is my cousin, her older brother, but he's been away for three years now at school. “Do you remember his friend Trey?”
I look away for second as I try to picture him. I hadn't known Darren all that well since he was so much older than we are. I can't remember who Trey is so I shake my head.
She squeezes her eyes together, trying to clear the moisture before she continues. “They used to hang out all the time after school and they'd be there when the bus dropped me off. Mom and Dad weren't home from work then so I usually just came over here. One day though, I had this paper that was due the next day and I hadn't even started it so when I got home that afternoon, I headed up to my bedroom to try and get it done. After about an hour, I went down to the kitchen to get a snack and I found Trey in the living room playing video games but Darren wasn't around. Trey explained that he'd run to the grocery store for something. I was in the kitchen when Trey walked up behind me, like
right
behind me and put his hands on my waist under my shirt and asked me in my ear if I wanted to kiss him.” My stomach clenches. I don't like where this is going, but she obviously needs to tell it. “So of course I told him no. I mean, I was fourteen, for shit's sake, and he was twenty! He didn't like my answer though, so he spun me around and attacked me. He had his tongue in my mouth, his hands on my boobs and was trying to pull my clothes off, all in seconds. I pushed him away and he got this eerie look on his face. He came at me again, covering my mouth this time and ripped my shorts off. Anyway, I'll spare you the gory details, but my own brother's friend raped me that day.”
Speechless can't adequately describe how I feel in that moment. There are tears making their way down my cheeks as I try to make sense of it all. “Brynn. . . I'm so sorry . . .I had no idea . . .why didn't you tell me?”
She laughs. How can she laugh right now? “I didn't tell anyone, Haylee! Not even Darren. I was so scared. He told me that he would do it again if I ever told anyone. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. There was no way I even wanted to tell anyone. I thought I must have asked for it somehow. Maybe my shorts were too short, or my top too low-cut, or I'd walked too alluring or something. I didn't want you guys to know.” Her voice is broken by a sob before she continues. “That's why I stopped hanging out with you. I didn't want you figure it out, so I just stayed away and treated you like shit. Chase was gone then anyway and you and Griff were close. I felt like the odd man out.”
“Brynn, I'm so, so sorry. I wish you had just told us. We could have helped you. We could have had that guy arrested!”
She shakes her head sadly from side to side. “I screwed up. I screw everything up.”
“You realize that what he did wasn't your fault at all, right?”
“I do now, but at fourteen and fifteen and sixteen, no, I believed that the whole thing had been my fault,” she replies and I throw my arms around her and hold her as we both cry. I feel terrible for all the horrible things I've said and thought about her. I'd had no idea what she's been through. No wonder she's so hostile and why she sleeps around like she does. She'd been raped and couldn't deal with the emotions afterward, plus she's kept everything to herself for four years. It all made perfect sense.
She pulls back finally and wipes her eyes a little. “Seeing Chase again out of the blue brought me back to that time. I realized that I wanted to go further back though to when we were all kids and having the time of our lives and doing everything together. I miss you guys.”
I burst into tears and hug her again. If only she had told someone back then, if only Darren hadn't left her alone with his sleazy friend, if only we hadn't been so hateful toward each other. . .if only. . .
I've had some pretty emotional days and I feel like I've been wrung out. I'm so relieved that Brynn has finally told someone. I sat with her the next day when she told her family and it broke my heart that all that hurt had been festering inside of her for all this time. She and I eventually tell Griff and he is stunned too, and angry with himself for not knowing. None of us could have known though. Brynn is seeing a counselor now and my mom has been keeping her appointments as well. Brynn is actually acting more like the cousin that I grew up with, and it's such a huge relief. I had thought Brynn was a lost cause.
Texts from Chase have been less frequent and he explained that he's just busy trying to tie up all the loose ends. We talk on the phone about what Brynn told me and he took it the same way as the rest of us. I feel badly that we are all here and he is there though.
“I'll be there soon, Hayles. I love you,” Chase whispers through the phone. My heart aches for him so badly. I want to feel his arms around me and get lost in the comfort that seeps into me from his presence.
“I love you too,” I say and then I cry for a while like usual after we talk. It's already dark out when I finally dry my eyes, grab a hoodie, and head over to the barn. Brynn has been coming over and hanging out with us a little bit again, and it would have been just perfect if Chase were here too, the four of us all together again.
“Hi, babies,” I coo as I walk over to where Momma is perched on a hay bale keeping her eyes on the kittens below her. Punkin bounds over too, afraid she's missing out on all the attention. I sit down and let the kittens crawl all over me and play with the strings on my hoodie as I become their personal jungle gym. Brynn has even been coming to the barn to see the kittens. They are like mini healers, bringing us together again.
“Okay, Haylee, tonight's the night,” Griff's voice booms as he strides into the barn. He goes over to give the horses fresh water and check their stalls.
“Night for what exactly?” I ask him, still playing with the kittens and petting Punkin. Griff makes Sam sit outside the barn now because Momma is leery of him being around the kittens.
“We're going out,” Griff announces and I groan. I don't want to go out. I don't feel like going and standing around with a bunch of people I don't know, playing DD for the guys and doing nothing but thinking about missing Chase while everyone else has a good time. “You said you'd go the next time,” he reminds me and I know I'm not getting out of it anymore.
“Fine,” I sigh. “I'll have to go back and change. Should I call Brynn?”
“Sure, why not?” he replies with a smile. “I know the bartender from school too, so I can get you drinks.”
I pull the kittens claws out of my sweatshirt and stand up, brushing off my jeans. It's time to head back to my house and attempt to make myself presentable for the first time in a while. I haven't given much thought to my appearance with Chase being gone. I just grab what is comfy and clean and pull my hair back every day. Simple.
I shoot Griff a look as I head for the door. He's smiling from ear to ear. “Glad I can make your night complete,” I call to him as I walk away. He's enjoying his moment of triumph in finally getting me to go with them.
“The guys'll be here at 9!” he shouts to me. In other words, look nice but hurry up. I call Brynn on the way and I'm surprised and relieved when she says she'll come. She says she'll drive over right now. Brynn lives in a state of 'ready to hit the clubs' all day, every day anyway. At least I won't be the only girl in the group. It's nice having her back again.
I slide into a pair of dark skinny jeans and a shimmery blue tank top. I am not about to wear heels and be uncomfortable all night, so I opt for silver sandals instead. I put on a little bit of makeup and tug the elastic band out of my hair. Blond waves fall down below my shoulders and I run my fingers through it. I don't have time to straighten it, so the waves will have to do. My effort to get ready is not up to par like it would be if Chase were going to be there. I miss him so much that it physically hurts deep within me. I can't help the occasional thought about him possibly not coming back. Those thoughts are constantly floating around ready to torment me.
I grab a small purse and hurry back over to Griff's. Max and Parker are already there and Brynn shows up shortly after me.
Max is driving his Tacoma and Brynn calls shotgun, so I get wedged in the tiny back seat between Griff and Parker. The truck is filled with our conglomeration of perfumes and colognes and it smells like a department store.
The radio is cranked up and everyone is chatting as we ride into town. I feel a warm sensation on one of my thighs and look down to find Parkers' hand there. “You look uh-may-zing tonight, Haylee,” he leans in close to my ear to tell me and I instantly feel claustrophobic. Parker doesn't really seem to understand the whole concept of personal space.
“Thanks, Parker, but cut it out,” I say, removing his hand from my leg. I try to lean more against Griff than Parker, but he's crammed along the entire length of my body and I swear he's leaning in even closer to me as I try to ease away. Griff is my friend too, but he doesn't feel the need to put his hands on me constantly. Parker just chuckles to himself and turns to look out the window.
I'm thankful when we get to the bar and I can breathe again. Griff knows a lot of the people that work at the bar, so he can get Brynn and I in even though we aren't twenty-one, and it just depends on who is tending bar whether or not we can get drinks. Tonight we're in luck because Griff is already shaking hands with the guy behind the bar. It's pretty crowded in here and all I want is some space. That so isn't going to happen. I'm really regretting letting Griff strong-arm me into coming when Brynn leans over to my ear so that I can hear her above the music that's pumping all around us.
“Thanks for inviting me,” she has to practically shout. “I really needed a diversion tonight. My parents have been hovering over me since I told them.”
“It's nice to not be the only girl for a change,” I smile at her as Griff and the guys stride over to us with drinks in their hands. Griff has gotten a cranberry and vodka for both Brynn and I. We make our way through the crowd to a couple of open stools at the bar. Brynn and I sit down and the three guys stand up behind us. It's kind of nice having them as a barrier from constantly getting knocked into.
After a short time though, Max is leaning over talking to some girl who I think they went to school with. “Let's dance,” Brynn shouts once her drink is gone and drags Griff out onto the dance floor. I have to laugh because he always acts like it's torturous, but he actually likes to dance and the guy has moves.
Parker slides onto Brynn's empty barstool and turns his gaze on me. My phone vibrates in my pocket and I reach back to pull it out. I smile when I look down and see that it's a text from Chase.
Sold the truck! Getting closer. Love ya beautiful
I slide the phone back into my pocket and find Parker looking at me expectantly. “Must have been something good 'cause your face just lit up,” he says, leaning closer to me so that I can hear him.
Giddy with excitement is more like it. “It's from Chase. He's getting closer to moving back here.”
Parker's eyebrows shot up. “I didn't realize he is moving back.”
I nod. “He decided when he was here a couple weeks ago. He just went back to finish up some stuff and pack up,” I explain.
“And you believe him?” Parker asks and my stomach burns all of a sudden. Why would he ask a question like that?
I nod. “Why wouldn't I believe him? We're together now, Chase and I.”
Parker makse it obvious that he is searching all around beside me. “Doesn't look like you're together.”
“You know what I mean, wiseass,” I take a long pull from the straw in my drink.
“What the hell, Haylee? I think I've made it pretty obvious that I'm interested in you. Chase wasn't even around til a couple weeks ago and now he's gone again. You keep telling me that you're not interested in a relationship and now you're 'together' with a guy who lives in California?”
“I'm sorry, Parker. I told you the truth. I didn't want to be in a relationship. I didn't realize that the person I want to be with is Chase until he came back. I didn't lie to you. Circumstances just changed. And he
is
moving back here. I'm sorry if I hurt you,” I try to explain. At the end of the day, Parker is my friend and I never planned to hurt him this way. It's why I've always made it clear to him that I'm not interested in anything more than friendship. Maybe he thought if he just kept trying, I'd give in eventually but it's not like that. I don't feel like I light up from the inside out when Parker walks into a room the way I do when Chase does. I don't crave Parker's touch more than I crave air to breathe. I don't get lost in the depth of his eyes like when I look at Chase. It just isn't the same.
He gets up from the stool, slams his beer down on the bar and storms away leaving me feeling like a terrible person. Brynn and Griff come back over, both coated in a sheen of sweat. “What's with Parker?” Griff asks, having seen his temper tantrum as he left.
“He isn't happy to hear about Chase and I,” I explain. Griff nods with understanding. He hung with us enough to know what I'm talking about. “I haven't been leading him on, have I?”
Griff shakes his head as he tips his beer back. “No, Haylee. He's a big boy and you've made it clear that you're just friends. I think he's just having a hard time dealing with the fact that you have someone else now.”
“Come dance with me,” Brynn pleads with me. How can I say no? I've just gotten her back and now she actually
wants
to do something with me. We get lost in the crowd on the dance floor and lost in the music as well. This kind of dancing I don't mind so much. This is free and alive and expressive. Dancing in the studio is too restricted and stifling. I lost count of how many songs we dance to or how long we've been out here but when we finally take a break, we are both sweaty and panting for breath. It feels amazing.
None of the guys are at the bar so we wait to order a drink while scanning the place looking for them. We spot Max on the dance floor grinding with the girl he'd been talking to earlier. Guess he'll be a happy man tonight.
“That was
so
much fun! I haven't felt that free and happy in a very long time!” Brynn is practically screaming at me, and the smile on her face is contagious and so refreshing. Griff comes over to get another beer and Brynn is ready to drag us both back out on the dance floor. I tell them I'll join them in a minute. My drink is still half full and I need to catch my breath.
I am absolutely cracking up as I watch the two of them on the dance floor. If I didn't known better, it's as if four years of misery just melted away. I feel hands on my shoulders and I turn quickly to see who it is. I sigh when I see that it's just Parker. “I'm sorry,” he says quietly beside my ear before he steps around in front of me. One look at his face and I know he's high again. I just shake my head and slide off the stool to go join Griff and Brynn. There's no point in even talking to Parker when he's like this. It makes me sick to think of Chase like that and worse. I don't understand why anyone chooses to touch that shit.
We don't get home that night until after 1:00 in the morning. Max is our DD and makes sure all of us get to where we belong. He brought his friend along with us too and she had to squeeze into the middle seat up front. Parker is passed out before the rest of us even got in the truck which is probably for the best.
I crash in my bed and think about how I didn't feel the pain of missing Chase so much tonight. Griff had been right after all to drag me out. It had been a great distraction and the alcohol has numbed the pain that I feel inside. I guess I can understand, at least somewhat, how Chase and Parker could turn to a substance to numb their pain or fill a void. I don't want to live that way though. It's just covering up the problem. You still have to face reality in the morning, but I have relished those few hours free from the anguish and worry that lives in my heart these days.
A couple of days later, I'm just coming home from boarding all afternoon with the crew, even including Brynn, when I see a car in our driveway. Mom isn't home yet and my heart automatically speeds up. Could it be Chase? He hasn't told me that he is coming back yet. My eyes travel up to the front porch and my heart sinks like a lead weight when I see a woman I don't recognize standing by the front door. Damn! Why did I even let myself think that it could be Chase? Now I'm instantly in a foul mood after what had been a pretty good day. I sling my backpack over my shoulder and make my way across the front lawn and up the steps. The woman turns around to face me when she hears my flip flops slapping up the steps.
She is beautiful. Tall with long, thin, tanned legs beneath a grey pencil skirt, a tiny waist but ample hips and fake breasts peeking out from her v-neck shirt. She has long, straight, bleach blonde hair and fierce, cold blue eyes. I've certainly never seen her before so I don't know why she's standing on our porch. Maybe Mom's counselor? She doesn't really look like a counselor though, more like a Playboy bunny.
“Can I help you?” I finally ask as she looks me up and down the same way I had her. This means she's taking in my wet, wind-whipped hair, sunburned skin, wet clothes, and flip flops.
“Hi,” she plasters on a fake smile. “My name is Lexi Forbes. I'm looking for Haylee Weston?” she says it like a question and I'm stupefied. Why is this chick looking for me?