My head is pounding, my eyes burn, but still more tears come. My insides feel like they've been puréed in a blender and dumped out in the trash. I'm lying on the floor of my bedroom. I hadn't been able to make it all the way to my bed, but I managed to lock my door knowing that he would follow me.
There's a knock on the door and I pull myself tighter into the fetal position. I can't see him. I just can't.
“Haylee, it's me,” comes Griff's voice, but still I don't answer. I don't want him to see me like this either. I feel like a fool. I threw myself right into things with Chase and believed him when he said that he changed, but he hadn't changed at all. “If you don't unlock this door, I will bust it wide open,” Griff warns, his voice firm and determined. I know he will do it too. That would just cause my mom more worry and I can't have that. I peel myself off the carpet and flick the lock on the doorhandle. He turns the knob and bursts inside like a force of nature. I glance behind him to make sure Chase isn't with him.
Griff reaches out and pulls me into his arms. I just stand still for a moment, my arms at my sides beneath his arms. His strength and comfort seep into my bones and I find myself wracked with sobs. I slide my arms around his waist and hang on as I cry. He doesn't say anything, just moves us over so that he can sit on the edge of the bed and pull me onto his lap.
Once I am cried out again, I feel like a child sitting here and carrying on like the world is ending. Mine has though. I sit up and wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand. I'm trembling like mad and still wearing just my bikini. Griff reaches over and pulls a blanket up around my shoulders as my teeth continue to chatter.
“It's not what you think, Haylee,” Griff says softly and I close my eyes. “I talked to him. He's an absolute wreck. I've never seen him so distraught.”
I'm shaking my head though. I don't want to hear it. “Of course you'd take his side,” I chatter. They are guys. They stick together on this shit.
“I'm not taking anyone's side!” Griff's tone is stern. It's so unlike him that my eyes fly wide as I look up at him. “I love you both and I don't want to see either of you like this! He
loves
you, Haylee. It's plain on his face and in every word he speaks. And you love him or you wouldn't be this wrecked. You need to calm down and let him explain when you're ready. I wouldn't throw you into a lion's den if I didn't think you were the perfect lioness.”
“What if I'm never ready? What if I can never face him again?”
“You can,” he insists. “What you saw wasn't the whole story.”
“Did he tell you the rest?”
“He told me that she caught him off guard when she kissed him and that he shoved her away. You must not have seen that part,” he replies.
“Did he tell you that he's still using?” I say through clenched teeth. I absolutely hate the very thought of it. No matter how badly he hurt me and I want him to hurt in return, it's certainly not with drugs.
“Why do you say that? Did he tell you that?” Griff sounds surprised.
I shake my head. Of course he hasn't told me any of it. “Lexi was still in her car along the road when I came running up here and she called to me. She told me again that she had warned me that I was too 'small town' to keep someone like Chase's interests and that I should look in his glovebox. I did, and there was a bag of white powder in there.”
Griff sets me down on the bed beside him and is up pacing the carpet of my room as he always does when he's thinking. “Wait a second. . .how would Lexi know what was in his glovebox? He just got the truck a few hours ago at the rental place at the airport.”
“I don't know. Maybe she flew here with him or gave that shit to him. Who cares?” I shout.
“Or she put it in there.”
I roll my eyes at him. He's so quick to try and get Chase out of this shit.
“Think about it,” he insists, still pacing like a tiger around a pit. “She wants him back. She knows he's in love with you. She comes here after him and figures that if she gets you out of the picture, then maybe she has a better chance with him. Did she see you in the window upstairs?”
I nod. My cheeks flush with embarrassment for spying and my stomach rolls as I remember the smug look on her face as she had glanced up and caught sight of me.
“See!” Griff is nearly shouting with excitement but I'm getting pissed off. Why the hell does he seem happy about this? “She sees you watching, so she plants one on Chase for you to watch. You turn away before he pushes her away, assuming the worst. She happens to catch you coming up the hill and tells you to look in his glovebox because she's had time up there to plant that shit on him. Sounds awfully convenient to me.”
Griff starts grinning now, proud of his mad detective skills, but I still am not convinced. “Or maybe he's just two-timing me and snorting that shit when he needs a pick me up.”
Griff is shaking his head at me and plants his hands on either of my shoulders, looking me right in the eyes. “You've known Chase for nearly sixteen years now. Does that sound anything like him?”
I shrug. “I haven't known him in the last four and from what I've heard, he was a strung out player.” Even just saying those words cuts right through me. I didn't really think of him that way, but I am so hurt and angry right now that I am lashing out.
“Get a shower and take some time to really think about what I've said, please,” he pleads with me and stands to leave. I stay sitting here as I hear him bound down the stairs and close the door behind him. I know that I need to get up, but I just don't feel like it. I text Brynn:
Come to my house NOW! 911!
I need a girl's perspective, someone who will take my side in all of this crap. I head into the bathroom to get a shower, so I won't scare the shit out of her when she gets here.
By the time I am throwing some clothes on in my bedroom, I hear her coming up the stairs like the place is on fire. I look over my shoulder as she stands in the doorway with her hands on her hips and I break down all over again.
She wraps her arms around me and I bury my face against her shoulder. “I don't know exactly what's going on but when I got here, I found a shirtless Chase sitting on your front porch looking like an eight-year-old boy whose puppy just got run over by a truck. I didn't even know he was back.” I squint my eyes. I
so
do not want to picture Chase like this right now. My heart squeezes just thinking about it and part of me wants to go down there and take him in my arms, but I can't. Not after what he has done to me.
“He just got back a couple of hours ago. Did he say anything to you?” I croak.
She pulls back to look at me, but keeps her hands on my shoulders like she's afraid I'll just fall over without support. A distinct possibility. “I wasn't even sure he was awake at first. His head was hanging down and he didn't even look up when I walked up onto the porch. I asked him what he was doing and when he picked his head up, I could tell he'd been crying. He must have seen a flash of panic on my face because he nodded his head and asked me to just make sure you were all right. I know a domestic dispute when I see one.”
I can't help but chuckle slightly at her terminology.
“So, did you know he was coming back? And what on earth happened that's got you both so dang upset so fast? Wait, how 'together' are you two? I mean, everybody saw this coming years ago, well, except me maybe, and you two seemed clueless for like, well, forever.”
I flop down onto my bed and with my arm draped over my sensitive eyes, I explain the whole mess to Brynn starting with what Chase has told me about his life out in California. I can feel my cheeks getting red when I get to the part where I have to describe how 'together' Chase and I actually are. I would have just edited the part out about what we had been doing prior to Lexi's arrival, but I feel it's fairly relevant to the state that I am in right now, with him able to screw me and then go right downstairs and kiss her. I also tell her Griff's conspiracy theory and what he thinks might be really going on, adding how farfetched I thought it all is, that I think it is just guy code or something -- always back up your buddy's stories.
When I finish it's silent for a second while Brynn takes time to absorb all the drama I've spewed at her. “So, you and Chase actually humped like bunnies?” she asks then and bites her bottom lip as if she is picturng this.
“Really, Brynn? Humped like bunnies?” I ask, slightly shocked by her word choice.
She raises her brows and shrugs like it's no big deal. “Well, you referred to it as, and I quote, 'We were . . .ya know,' so I was just trying to clear it up a bit.”
I laugh out loud as she teases me about my inability to express the fact that Chase and I had sex. I guess the truth is I don't know what to call what we've done at this point. At the time, I would have said that we made love, but now, I might have to say that it had been just sex, to him at least.
“Okay, but honestly, Haylee, I'm with Griff on this one. This Lexi chick sounds like a conniving skank ho. I wouldn't trust anything she says. I think she just wants a hot, steaming slice of Chase Atwood all for herself.” I should have laughed, but I hadn't thought about that angle. Lexi probably did want Chase. I mean, all you have to do is look at him; he is pure male perfection. What woman
wouldn't
want a piece of that? This doesn't really change anything, however.
“Does it even matter who's lying to who at this point? I
saw
him kiss her right after being with me, and I
saw
a bag of a white powdery substance in his glovebox.”
“Of course it matters!” she practically shouts at me, causing me to jump. “You saw
her
kiss
him
from what you described, and you saw something suspicious in his truck, but you haven't even talked to him yet. You don't know the whole story.”
“But he's just going to lie and try and get out of it.”
“You don't know that! Why would he? This is our friend Chase we're talking about. Maybe we don't know slutty California Chase, but he's back here to try and get his life back on track. Would you lie on the first day of your new life that you went to all that trouble to set up? Not to mention that I can't remember a single time that Chase ever lied to us when we were growing up. You have to give him a chance. You have to at least listen to what he has to say before you get any more irrational.”
I smack her arm for calling me irrational, although maybe in this case she is right. At least a little bit. “I know,” I sigh. “And I will. Just not yet.”
She nods and gives me a tight hug. “Just give him a chance, Haylee. He deserves that much. You two have been through so much together and he just moved across the country for a fresh start. I do not think that Chase would hurt you,” she smoothes my still-wet hair back from my face and presses a kiss to my forehead. “Get some rest tonight and you might feel differently in the morning. Then you should talk to him.”
I nod as she stands up. “I've gotta get to work. I'm already late but I'll come over later on tomorrow to check up on you, Cuz.”
“Thanks,” I murmur and watch her leave. I fall back onto my bed and stare up at my ceiling. Brynn hadn't jumped on my bandwagon the way that I hoped she would, and something is rattling around in my head that maybe there is a reason for that. I am beyond exhausted. I have gone from one extreme to the other and back again in the span of a few hours, and it's taking its toll on me. My mind drifts back to Chase surprising me on the dock. How deliriously happy I had been to see him. The way it had felt so foreign and yet so familiar at the same time when I felt his arms go around me again after almost a month away. Being in bed with him is etched into my memory, and as much as it hurts me right now, I don't ever want to forget it. I may have made a mistake trusting Chase with my heart, but I know that there will never be a more perfect person to have given my virginity to. He is one of my first friends, my first love, and it just seems right that he'd be my first lover as well. I will always have that memory. I just need to stop thinking about everything that has happened since.
I fall asleep quickly that night, and I'm grateful for that. I am afraid that I might lie awake, reliving everything. My body obviously needed a break.
When I wake the next morning, I sit up slowly and stretch my neck. I'm so sore, and I usually don't get sore when boarding anymore, unless I take a hard landing. My face burns when I realize why I'm sore today. It has to be from having sex with Chase. And with that thought, all of the other events come crashing back to me and I feel like I've been in a car that was going sixty miles an hour and then suddenly slammed on its brakes. I need to get up and get out of this room.
I wash my face and brush my teeth and try to avoid looking at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes are puffy and red, and my lips are dry and cracked from the dehydration of crying so much. I sigh as I make my way downstairs, afraid to find Mom there, but I'm relieved that I'm alone. I get a tall glass of water and guzzle half of it right away. I'm wearing an old pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt from high school that I had fallen asleep in. I don't know how cool it is outside, but I am desperate for some fresh air. With my glass in hand, I walk to the front door, looking across the road at the small patch of lake that is visible through the trees beyond Griff's driveway. I want to swim out into the middle of it and just float in that swishing silence all day. Alone, where no one can hurt me.