Second Chances (9 page)

Mom had started that tradition. She’d fix us hot chocolate and we’d all sit and watch them every time they came on. I think I had both shows memorized by the time I was ten. Mom started buying me everything Grinch. I still had all of it in a box in my closet.

We each had a glass of wine and were cuddled up. For warmth. It was cold outside. And the blanket went further when we sat together.

“So you going to tell me what he said to you?” he asked. Linus was reciting what Christmas was all about.

“And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, ‘Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy which will be to all people.’”

I considered bluffing. But he knew Sam and he knew something had passed between the two of us. And we were done lying and telling half-truths and pretending.

“He called us filthy fucking faggots one too many times. I called him a redneck wife-beating drunk for the first time. And I might have threatened to call CPS. And tell Dad. And kick his ass,” I admitted.

“Good. I never said anything, but he came up to me at your mom’s funeral and had some choice words for me. He doesn’t matter so I never made a big deal out of it.” He held my hand and rubbed circles on my palm. “But I love you for sticking up for me.”

I was torn between anger and shock. The anger won out. Then I was so mad I almost couldn’t get a good breath.

“What did he say?” I ground out.

“It doesn’t—”

“Don’t. What did he fucking say?”

A long moment went by. He stared at my hand while he rubbed it, deciding.

“He said if I ever cared a thing about your momma I’d get, and I quote, my fruity goddamn ass the fuck out of there and quit soiling the memory of his mother. Unquote. Oh, and he said it was a shame it wasn’t me or you laid up in the casket instead of her. He also said something nice and hateful about how he hoped I got AIDS when I cheated on you, but that since we were fags I probably already had it since I let anything with a dick fuck me. He hoped you got it and died too,” he admitted quietly.

“Well, just fuck him. No, fuck him twice and the mother fucking horse he rode in on and—”

I’d just gotten good and riled up when I felt Brian lay his head on my chest and put his arms around my stomach and just hug me, making shushing noises. I saw red, for God’s sake, and the red I saw, I wanted it to be my brother’s blood.

That, more than anything, brought me up short and back to myself. I wasn’t a violent man. I stood there and took my lumps like a man and never hit anyone in anger, man or woman. And yeah, sometimes women deserved it just like a man did when they threw hate in your face. But I never went there. I just took it and swallowed it down and sweat it out like the poison it was.

I thought about it this time. I thought about it really hard.

“It’s okay, babe. It’s nothing we haven’t heard before. And nothing we won’t hear again. Maybe someday it won’t be like that, but he doesn’t matter,” he kept saying. He kept it up and said anything that came to his mind as he talked me right down off the ledge.

“Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown! Hark, the herald angels sing, glory to the newborn king! Peace on Earth and mercy mild, God and sinners reconciled.”

March 2003

I
SAT
in the middle of Chuck E. Cheese’s and wondered what in the hell I was doing there. Around me, there must have been six thousand screaming kids all between six and twelve, all wanting to play with the same damn toys. Pizza, Coke (in the South we call all soda “Coke,” deal with it) and birthday cake just served to energize all of them.

It was Jason’s eleventh birthday and he demanded that his dad’s best friend come too. When I tried to get out of it, Antonio handed the phone to him. I told him thirty-one was too old for Chuck E. Cheese’s, and when his begging didn’t work, threats of tears did. God, it would have been like kicking a puppy. And I couldn’t do that. Yes, I’m an easy touch and a sucker. And he knew it. So here I sat, thanking God that at least there was beer in hell.

Antonio and I lounged there, watching Jason play with all his new friends. His mother had already thrown his regular birthday party at her house, and he’s gotten his presents from all his cousins and friends. This day was to be something just for him and his dad. And now that included me.

Before the holidays, I’d gotten Jason a couple of small gifts and left them with Antonio under the small tree at his place. Evidently that was all it took for me to be part of Jason’s family now. No “Uncle” stuff for him; I was just his dad’s best friend and therefore expected to be there when he came over every other weekend. At the minimum I had to talk to Jason on his cell phone.

I still went for massages with Antonio, but somehow, after I loaned him the money and he paid me back, things changed. He didn’t charge me for massage anymore, and we were better, closer friends now. He was forever thanking me for loaning him the money, and I finally ended up just nodding and patting him on the shoulder every time. But the Thursday night thing didn’t change. We both ended up naked and massaging each other but it wasn’t a business transaction. Not even friends with benefits.

I didn’t tell Brian. He was okay with me getting the massages, and even with the two of us hanging out sometimes. I did what I wanted with my money and had my own friends and he did the same. We paid the joint bills, but I made a lot more than he did so I never worried about that kind of stuff. The mortgage was in my name but he wrote me a check every month for his part.

When he came back after my mom’s funeral, Brian got his job as a courier for a medical supply company back. He didn’t do well sitting eight hours at a desk, and didn’t have much patience for bosses in his face. So the freedom to be out of the office and moving around was heaven for him, even in the total clusterfuck that was Atlanta traffic. He had no desire to do anything more at this point in his life, and it drove me crazy. I was always so worried something would happen while he was on the road.

But I knew he wouldn’t understand two grown men who weren’t fucking getting together and being naked. Even if one was straight. He could deal with me being naked—that was what happened with a massage. But Antonio being naked and me rubbing his body? I might be facing losing a couple of body parts I really, really enjoyed. He enjoyed them too, but he’d still cut them off while I slept.

And the thing was, it
was
totally innocent. Neither one of us got hard. There was no sex, no jerking off, nothing like that. But it was still an intimacy I didn’t think I should share. It was private and nice, and not dirty. Still I kept it to myself.

So Antonio and I hung out, went to movies sometimes. I saw Jason about once a month. And now I was stuck at his birthday party, wishing I was anywhere in the world but there in the middle of all that noise. Damn it, why couldn’t he have wanted to go to Manuel’s Tavern?

“I appreciate you coming with us today. It means a lot to Jason,” Antonio said, bringing me back to reality. Or at least this noisy, flashing version of it.

“I don’t mind. Really. If he wants… this, then I can put up with it for an hour or two,” I mumbled into my beer.

“I’ll make it up to you. When I take him home, we can go back and hang out for a while. Have a couple of glasses of wine or something.” He kind of looked sideways at me. Hopeful, it seemed like.

“Maybe. I really need to get home and do some things before Brian gets back. Saturday’s laundry day and all that shit. Got to see about making some dinner too.” What I didn’t say, because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, was that Brian had been having dizzy spells and passing out and I was trying to keep my eye on him. Until I could get his ass to the doctor anyway.

Antonio looked almost hurt. Disappointed.

“Isn’t Rianna in town? I figured you guys would be hanging out? Mario’s back too, isn’t he?” I asked.

He leaned forward and dropped his voice so only I could hear him. “Yeah, she’s in town. Mario’s going to be staying with me for a little while so he can get back on his feet. This last time he started using was really rough. He was on the streets, and I think he might’ve been turning tricks. And Rianna, I’m not messing around with her anymore,” he murmured, looking anywhere but at me.

I wasn’t sure what to say. Mario was a nice enough guy when he was clean, but when he was using, he was a fucked-up bastard. He did massage too, and tried to talk me into using him instead of Antonio. He was a good-looking guy, olive-skinned and sleek and toned. But that was
so
not going to happen. He was Antonio’s friend, but he was a user.

What was more curious was why Antonio wasn’t fucking Rianna. I’d heard more than one story about the hot times the two of them had together. Her Cuban blood evidently made her a wildcat in bed. And I’d seen some of the scratch marks on Antonio’s back from their last session. He’d even tried to get me to join in once.

I had to go back and explain the whole gay thing to him. Graphically. About how much I loved a hot ass. And body hair. Cocks and balls. All the things that made life worth living. His eyes had gotten big and round. Hell, if he wanted to tell me about his exploits, he was going to hear about mine. He didn’t look disgusted, more like he saw me in a new light. Like he was trying to imagine what I was saying.

“Sooo, why aren’t you and Rianna hooking up? You seeing somebody else? Been holding back on me?” I leaned in, wanting to know.

“Nah. Not exactly. I’ve just been busy and trying to make money. There’s somebody I have my eye on, but I don’t want to talk about it right now,” he mumbled and wouldn’t look at me.

What the hell was that about? Just then, Jason came over and started begging for more money for tokens. God, he was getting tall, I thought. All gangly arms and legs, and I could see he was going to be tall like his dad. I pulled out my wallet and gave him ten bucks. “Go get ’em, tiger,” I told him. He took the money and gave me a grin, then ran before Antonio had a chance to say a word.

“Now tell me about this chick you’re hung up on. What’s the matter, you get shot down? That famous Italian charm on the fritz?” I teased.

He looked at me, and his face just kind of shut down. “No, it’s nobody. No chick. Forget about it. You’re spoiling Jason too much. He’s gonna think you’re an ATM. So what are you and Brian going to do later?”

“Well, we may go to a movie. Then home and hot monkey sex.” I grinned and gave him the raised and waggling eyebrow thing.

He nodded and took at long drink of his beer. Didn’t meet my eyes. Then looked out across the room and watched all the kids playing.

“Hey, buddy, are you okay? Something the matter? You can talk to me, you know. I’m a really good listener,” I told him. This shit was beginning to worry me. He was never quiet like this unless…

Shit.

“Do you need some money? Is Jeanine threatening to not let you see Jason again? Because if that’s the problem I can give you the money. Just tell me what—”

He interrupted me. “No, baby, I don’t need any money. I’m okay. It’s just been a long week and I probably need to just get some sleep. Just… forget about it.”

He still wouldn’t look at me. I just couldn’t figure out why. But when he got in one of these moods, there was nothing to do except let him stew in it. I could feel his eyes on me when I wasn’t looking, so I took a sip of my beer and looked out over the room. What was going on with him?

“S
O
WHAT
did you guys do today,” Brian asked when we sat down to eat dinner.

“Took Jason to Chuck E. Cheese. Played soccer mom. Gouged my eyes out with a fork and stabbed my ears to stop the noise. Oh, the pain, Will Robinson, the pain….”

“Ah jeez, bet you were glad to get the heck out of there,” he said.

“You have no idea. The weird thing is, I think there’s something bothering Antonio. He wouldn’t tell me, but there’s something, I know it.” I dished out the lasagna I made earlier.

“What do you think it is? What happened?” he asked, pouring out wine for us. “And damn, sweetheart, this all smells amazing.”

“Thanks. But I don’t know. Rianna’s in town—you know, Mario’s sister, the guy he grew up with—and they usually spend the weekend fucking up a storm. But he says they aren’t this time, and kind of hinted he’s interested in somebody,” I told him while I dug in to dinner. “But he clammed up and wouldn’t give me any details. I think he must have the hots for somebody that shot him down. Or….”

“What? What are you thinking?” he asked.

“I wonder if it’s Jeanine. He hasn’t mentioned anybody else. But the only other woman I know he sees is her. But hey, maybe he’s just keeping it a secret for now. It’s not like he tells me everything.”

Brian looked thoughtful for a minute. “You think it could be a guy?”

I looked at him and stared for minute. He was serious. The thought surprised me, and made me uncomfortable for some reason. Actually, it made me a little pissed. “I don’t think so. He doesn’t set off my gaydar. He likes boobs too much. I never see him looking at other guys when we do anything. And he doesn’t do
those
kinds of massages. No, I think it must be a woman,” I stated firmly.