Second Chances (11 page)

When he began to cry, I kept kissing him. Wordlessly filled him with my heart and love until the quiet shower of his pain and grief spent itself. I held him until he slept, stroked his hair and cradled him in my arms.

M
Y
OFFICE
at Hope House was fan-freaking-tastic. It was huge, and I had enough seating room for a table and three chairs so I could have meetings. This CFO gig was the
shit
!

The executive team had a meet and greet with all the managers, and I could tell I made the right decision to work here. The kids in our care were teens, victims of abuse, physical, sexual, mental, all had histories that most people can’t imagine. And Hope House provided counseling and housing for them, twenty-four hours every day, all year long. The kids came from all over the state of Georgia, all in foster care, taken from their homes and in need of care. These kids were special, though. They needed a little more counseling and a more structured setting than a regular foster family could provide, so they were referred to places like Hope House to live.

On my first day there, I got to go back to the cafeteria and have lunch with the kids. Or, as we called them, residents. Because this was their home, at least for now. We tried hard to make them feel it was a safe place for them to heal.

At any given time there were about forty residents, half boys and half girls. Since I handled all the finances, it included any money the residents had on account and funds for their weekend outings. Before I’d even been settled in for four hours, they already knew who I was.

And so the campaigning began. The group of five boys I sat with looked me over and exchanged glances. I watched out of the corner of my eye, and this young guy who looked to be about thirteen or fourteen jumped in with both feet.

“So they tell me you’re the man to talk to about getting us some money to go to the movies this weekend,” he said.

This wasn’t my first time at the rodeo. I don’t have a passel of nieces and nephews and not learn a few tricks of the trade. “Who are
they
? And you are…?” I asked.

“The staff. They said we have a new money man, and you’re who we’re supposed to ask about our money,” the young man explained. “And I’m Robbie. What’s your name?”

“
They
didn’t tell you? Your information isn’t too good then, is it, Robbie?” I shot back. He looked at me for a minute and I wasn’t sure which way this was going to go. When I met with the clinical director, she told me to treat all the kids just like I would any other teenager, because that’s what they were, teenagers who needed to be treated normally. But this interaction would probably set the tone for how they looked at me. This group anyway. And they would talk.

“Mr. Mark. And today’s your first day. When can we talk about money for that movie this weekend?” He grinned. “And we want popcorn too. And Cokes. Candy would be good too, but you can’t see a movie without popcorn and a Coke, can you, Mr. Mark? Isn’t there a law or something?” the little shit asked.

I couldn’t help it. I burst out laughing and that made them all laugh. “I tell you what, Robbie, how about I talk to your staff and we can see what’s up for the weekend? If they say you guys are good to go, then I’ll see what I can do to make that happen. Good deal?”

“Good deal, man,” he said and stuck his hand out. I reached out to take it and he jerked it back, then laughed. Then stuck it back out and grabbed my hand and did one of those convoluted handshake things I never was any damn good at.

I knew then that everything was going to be just fine.

May 2004

A
NTONIO
was in a bit of a strange mood when I got over to his apartment that evening. It was his birthday, and I knew turning thirty could be really weird for some guys, but he was always unconcerned about age. I really didn’t think that was what was going on.

I took him out to dinner and things were fine. We went to The Colonnade because, well, it made me laugh to see all the queens drool over him, and the blue-haired ladies clutch their purses and pearls. He had that whole Vin Diesel vibe going that made the bottom boys quiver. And the tattoos and the attitude just screamed James Dean in
Rebel Without a Cause
to the older crowd.

Of course, he was fucking clueless about both. The hot, steamy looks went right over his head, and the fear, well, he just didn’t care. So we had a couple of drinks with dinner, then went to the movies.
Van Helsing
was out and I got my eye candy with Hugh Jackman and he got to see Kate Beckinsale and we both left the theater happy men.

When we got back to his apartment was when things went a little wonky. I gave him his present—D&G cologne and bath gel, ’cause damn, but that stuff smelled like sex on him—and he liked it. So did I. We had a couple of glasses of wine and were good and relaxed. And then his mood just went… off a couple of bubbles left of center.

Did I call out the elephant in the room, or let him get around to it? As laid back as I was, and it being his birthday and all, I figured the best bet was to let him tell me when he was ready. Seemed like we did this dance a lot lately. He got all quiet and looked at me funny.

It was our regular Thursday night together, so I decided to ask him if he wanted his massage first. Over the years, this kind of was a back and forth thing. Sometimes he went first, sometimes I did. It was nice, and not every week ended up with a massage, but that was okay too. “How about since you’re the birthday boy, I give you your massage first?” I asked.

“Hmmm? Okay, that sounds fine,” he said. But I could tell he wasn’t really paying close attention. Something really was on his mind. I knew how to set up the table, so while he went to take a piss, I got things together and even heated up the oil. I lit a couple of candles and put on my favorite music. He went first, I picked the music. My rules. So I put on Loreena McKennitt and really got into the mood.

He came out of the bedroom already stripped down and looked at the table. He seemed surprised I already had everything all set up, but climbed on facedown and settled in. I stripped down then and rubbed the oil into my hands then started on his back. The muscles were tense, but I kneaded and stroked until I could almost feel his sigh when he let go and relaxed. I kept up the steady, deep pressure and finally got him to the point where his muscles were loose and his arms hung over the side of the table.

I had him turn over and started on his chest. His tension level dropped down to almost nothing. Thank God. Maybe he’d talk about it. I just couldn’t figure out where his mood swings came from sometimes. It wasn’t money, because I knew that business had been good. In fact, Antonio was picking up work doing custom laptop installations and setting up software. He kind of just taught himself to do all that kind of hardware and software stuff while waiting for business. He spent most mornings and early afternoons on the computer chatting up potential clients.

When I was done with him, we swapped off, and I took my place on the table. He had such damn good hands that the stress just melted out of my muscles. I was almost dozing by the time he finished with my back and legs, and when he tapped my foot to tell me to turn over—stick a fork in me, I was done.

But I flipped over and settled down again and he started with my chest. It was almost always the same routine: chest, arms, hips, legs, back up the other side and ending up behind my head while he massaged my temples and scalp. I swear I could almost feel myself purring like a cat.

This time, though, something different happened. I felt his hands still on the sides of my head. I opened my eyes and looked up to see if something was wrong. He looked down at me with something that looked like a cross between sadness and hope.

Then he bent down and gently kissed me.

I
WAS
too shocked to say anything right then. The kiss was so light I could almost say it didn’t happen. But it did. His lips were against mine, then he pulled back and looked back down at me. His eyes were so open, so clear, and all I could do was hold my breath.

Then he bent down and kissed me again. I felt his tongue as it pressed against my lips and for a minute, I forgot myself and kissed him back. But then I remembered who I was and who he was, and he must have felt the tension in me. Because he pressed his lips to mine one more time then drew back.

“Antonio,” I started, my voice low and raspy at first. “What—” He brought a finger up and put it over my lips to make me be quiet.

“Shh. It’s okay. I just wanted to see. It’s okay. I know you have Brian, but I just had to know….” He looked confused and sad.

“Know what?” I asked, shaking off the finger on my lips.

“Know what it felt like. Know what
you
felt like,” he said, resignation in his voice.

“And?” I was curious but almost afraid to hear the answer.

He shrugged and I saw his eyes close and his face shut down. He started to move away but I wasn’t going to let something like that pass without knowing what the fuck was going on in his head. My very straight best friend kissed me? Oh
hell
no.

I jumped up off the table and grabbed his wrist to stop him. I pulled him around and stood there face-to-face with him and didn’t let him go.

“I asked you how it felt. But Antonio, what were you thinking? What were you doing?” I demanded.

He stood there and looked me eye to eye. I had to give him credit for that, because had the situations been switched, I think I would’ve hauled ass for the hills. It wasn’t that I was mad, just surprised. I was attracted to him and had known that for years. So did he. But I would never have cheated on Brian, first of all. And second, Antonio was
straight.

“I wanted to see what the big deal was. You’re my best friend and I love you. And I know you’re with Brian, but I just had to know what it was like to kiss you. To be with you that way. It didn’t mean anything. Please, Mark, don’t let it mean anything bad. I just wanted to know,” he whispered.

“Antonio, I’m not mad. Dude, I love you too. But you aren’t into guys. I mean, you haven’t ever been with one before, have you? You said no, before, but have you?” I asked.

“No, I haven’t ever had sex with a dude. Well, other than….” He blushed. “Never even kissed one for real until tonight. Shit, Mark, I never even wanted to before really other than you.” His eyes begged me to believe him and to let it go.

Not going to happen.

“So do you think you might be bi now? Is it because of doing the massages? Seeing all those guys naked and you just got curious? And maybe I’m just safe because you know me? Help me out some here, man.” I really wanted to understand.

“No, man. I see guys naked all the time and never wanted to do anything with them. And really, man, fuck, you ain’t the safe one. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to fuck up anything. I know I’m not the best friend in the world, and you already had to bail my ass out once, so, man, please. Tell me I didn’t fuck anything up,” he pleaded.

“Of course you didn’t. Antonio, it was only a little kiss. It didn’t mean anything. I’m okay, and you’re okay. So don’t worry about it. Got it?” I told him.

He looked at me, searched in my eyes to really make sure it was all good. Whatever he saw there seemed to reassure him, and his shoulders dropped and the tension left his body. I looked down and saw I was still holding his wrist hard, where I’d grabbed him to keep him there.

“Okay, Mark, okay,” he breathed. I pulled him against me into a hug, and felt the tension grip him again. But I didn’t let go and, after a minute, he hugged me back. A full-blown, full-body hug that told me in that moment more than what his mouth had danced around.

He cared about me, probably more than he should, and I didn’t know what to do with it. But he was my best friend, and I damn well
would
figure it out. He was as damn confused about this as I was. We got dressed and met back in the den.

We had another glass of wine and sat there on his couch, mostly in silence. But it was a comfortable silence, and that was fine. There wasn’t a lot to say right then, and I had to work the next day so I got all my stuff together and got ready to leave.

“Happy birthday, old man, and many, many more,” I said.

“Thanks. It’s been a great one and I appreciate you taking me out. I have Jason this weekend and he’s got something he made for me, so I don’t know what to expect.” He laughed.

“I’m sure whatever it is, you’ll love it. Call me if you two decide to go to a movie or something. Brian and I’re having dinner with my dad on Saturday night, but Sunday is mostly free.”

“Will do. Drive safe.” He always told me that before I left. He walked behind me to the door, and before I reached out to open it, I turned around. I looked him directly in the eye and pulled him into a hug and kissed him. On the cheek.

“Sweet dreams,” I murmured into his ear, then went out and closed the door behind me.