Secret Girls' Stuff (12 page)

Authors: Margaret Clark

Whenever I get letters like this I feel upset and angry that a man, no he’s an animal, could abuse a young girl like this. To tell her that he would slit her throat was just horrendous, and his cruel and selfish behaviour will affect Brianna for the rest of her life unless she seeks professional help. What worries me is that I get at least one email or one letter per month from girls (and two boys wrote separately too) who have been sexually assaulted by family members or friends.

I am beginning to realise the problem is more widespread than I thought. When I worked at the Alcohol and Drug Centre nearly every woman who was getting off heroin, many of whom were prostitutes, had been abused by male family members when they were young. They felt dirty, worthless, guilty and bad about themselves. And often they were still in physically and emotionally abusive relationships as adults.

Here is my reply to Brianna. It may help someone else too.

Dear Brianna
,

I received your letter only yesterday as I’ve been away interstate, so I’m sorry that I haven’t written back sooner. You didn’t give a phone number or I would have called you and had a chat
.

Thank you for trusting me with your secret. You probably don’t realise this but I get at least one letter or email per week with similar stories to yours, so please don’t feel alone, unloved or unwanted. What happened to you was a dreadful thing and it makes any woman begin to wonder what the hell is going on in some men’s heads to do such disgusting things to young girls. But, Brianna, there are some nice men out there in the world. And nice boys. They’re not all depraved, filthy, manipulating creatures
.

Anyway, you have told me your secret and now I hope you feel a tiny bit better. But
there’s still a long way to go before you begin to feel better about yourself and like yourself. I guess your mum doesn’t understand you very well. She doesn’t know what Brian did to you. When she calls you a fat pig or a puberty pig she doesn’t really mean it
.

She’s probably got some problems of her own. Maybe boyfriend problems or love problems or family problems or financial problems or whatever problems. Lots of adults have stuff like this going on. Deep down she does love you even though you probably think she doesn’t
.

Have you tried talking to her about what happened with Brian? If you can’t, there are special places that I refer girls with similar problems as yours, to have a talk. You see, I’m an expert in alcohol and drug abuse, not a sexual abuse expert, so although I can sympathise and feel angry, I’m not good at doing this stuff and other people can help you far more than I can. First of all though, I need you to believe
one thing. You are NOT guilty in any way! Most of the girls who come to me for help feel somehow that they are to blame. They think that they should have fought back, or they should have told someone, or they actually might have liked the man’s attention, even though they didn’t like the sex stuff
.

Well, there are some of them who liked the touching and tickling, which now makes them feel guilty and really bad and therefore they think it was their fault, even though they hated the actual sex part
.

I always tell girls not to feel guilty. It’s ALWAYS the adult’s fault, the one who’s doing the sex things, whatever he (or in rare cases, she) might tell the child
.

Brianna, you’re the same as every other girl who has been violated in that every one of these girls tells me that they feel dirty, like sluts, guilty, and very confused
.

Brianna, you were a CHILD at the time, frightened and easily manipulated. Now you are a WOMAN, so even though this
stuff is still scary and makes you feel dirty and unworthy, the adult woman in you can begin to face it and make changes, with some help from experts who are used to dealing with this stuff
.

Remember, this was a conniving, manipulative, unscrupulous and determined man who blackmailed you. It was his fault, ALL OF IT, not yours. Now he’s dead he can’t hurt you physically. Ever again. But you say in your letter that he’ll kill you. You’re still scared of him. He’s still hurting you and scaring you emotionally, and he always will unless you take control. That’s why you should talk to some experts in this field. First of all, I haven’t told anyone about your experience. That’s up to you. There are SAFE places for girls to talk with people, by phone anonymously if you want to do this. They won’t tell your parents. They won’t tell the school. They won’t come to your home. They won’t use it against you. You can give a fake name if you like. They don’t tap
phone lines. They are there to help. It’s free. It’s private. It’s confidential. Your mother doesn’t have to know you’ve phoned them
.

In every state there are these places. The phone numbers I am giving you in this case are for Crisis Agency for Sexual Assault (CASA). They deal with male and female rape and sexual assault issues. (Yes, this happens to boys too.) I would like you to phone up either number and tell the person what you told me. Don’t worry if you start crying. The person on the other end of the phone is used to that. They will be able to help you get over the anger, guilt and that feeling of being dirty and unworthy, Brianna. It is really, really important that you do this, or it will stay in you and eat away at you till you probably won’t trust a male ever again which means trust a boyfriend and a potential husband in later life
.

Please trust me and trust what I am telling you to do. Phone either of these numbers. Melbourne Northern area CASA is 039
4965770 or Central CASA 039344 2210. If the lines are busy, try again. Don’t give up! Remember, it’s anonymous if you want it to be, they don’t trace your phone line, they won’t want to hassle your mum for not knowing what was going on, or cause any problems. They just want to listen to your story and then help you to feel better, okay? If you want to write to me again, that’s fine. If you don’t want to talk to CASA yet that’s your choice. But please consider it, won’t you Brianna?

Gotta go. Stay in touch
.

Bye from Margaret

If this has happened to you, please seek help from the CASA in your state ( the telephone operator will give you the number). Or go to a police station and ask to speak to a female police person. Or, talk to a teacher you think you can trust.

Remember, it is illegal to have sex with someone who is under the age of sixteen, unless, of course, you are both under sixteen.

That’s not viewed as illegal because one person
isn’t an adult possibly coercing the younger person. I’m not an expert on the law. If you’re not sure, you can get booklets from your local Youth Support agency. To sum up:

You can love a boy in a romantic way and not have sex with him if you don’t want to.

You can have sex with a boy and not be in love with him.

You can be in romantic love or infatuation with a boy and have sex.

You can be in love with someone of the opposite sex and not have sex with them.

You can be in love with someone of the opposite sex and have sex with them.

You can have a bad sex experience with another person that can leave you scarred for life if you don’t seek help.

Thank you for sharing your secrets with me. I wrote this book for you all. I hope it has been entertaining, helpful and reassuring.

Here’s an untitled final poem by Rachel M,
age fifteen:

So close

but yet so far.

Our friendship is like

no other experienced by me.

One of written words and wishes

not of sight or many years.

What I read is all I know

never thoughts or feelings show

in a letter

cold and crisp.

There is a world

happy and joyous

where problems are non-existent

where written words are commonplace

and people differ from

reality. Shed me some light

on the rules of this practice

it seems as though

I’m the one that’s

been left behind.

Tell me why

people change their personalities

to unsuspecting

unknowing

and sometimes uncaring people.

Sing me a song

a song of you.

Filled with truth and certainty.

I appreciate kind words.

Tell me of everyday things

of interest to you

even if I’ve already been there.

Margaret Clark is one of Australia’s funniest writers for young people. She has worked as a teacher and university lecturer and at the Geelong Centre for Alcohol and Drug Dependence.

Back on Track: Diary of Street Kid
and
Care Factor Zero
, two searing novels for young adults, have become best sellers.

Her novels for older reachers include
The Big Chocolate Bar, Fat Chance, Hot or What, Famous for Five Minutes
, a trilogy about the Studleys:
Hold My Hand — Or Else!, Living with Leanne
and
Pulling the Moves
and most recently, No
Standing Zone and Kiss and Make Up
.

Margaret lives in Geelong and enjoys reading, sailing and walking with the family dog. She now writes full-time.

Margaret’s website is:

http://www.margaretclark.com/

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity, including internet search engines or retailers, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including printing, photocopying (except under the statutory exceptions provisions of the Australian
Copyright Act 1968
), recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written permission of Random House Australia. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

Version 1.0
Secret Girls’ Stuff
9781742746814

The moral right of the author has been asserted.

A Random House Australia book
Published by Random House Australia Pty Ltd
Level 3, 100 Pacific Highway, North Sydney NSW 2060
www.randomhouse.com.au

Addresses for companies within the Random House Group can be found at
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First published 1999
Reprinted 1999 (twice), 2001 (twice), 2003, 2005

National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication Entry

Clark, M. D. (Margaret Dianne), 1943-
Secret girls’ stuff.

ISBN 0 091 84077 5

Title. II. Title: Secret girls’ stuff journal.

A823.3

Author photo by Reece Scannell.
Cover photography by IPL Image Group.
Cover and text design by Gayna Murphy, Greendot Design.

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