Secrets (14 page)

“I guess I’m looking for a model.”

“A model?” Jessica felt uncomfortable. “Look, Dawn, I can be your teacher and even a good listener on the side. But I’m not anybody’s role model, and I don’t want to be.” Jessica realized
how abrupt and uncaring her words had come out. She wished she had formulated them better.

“Well, can I at least ask you one favor?”

“Of course,” Jessica said, hoping that whatever it was, she would be able to say yes to it and make up for the way she had just pushed Dawn aside.

“It’s kind of a big favor.” Dawn paused and looked into Jessica’s eyes. “Would you go on this trip to Mexico with the church group?”

Jessica laughed aloud. “Mexico? Why would you want me to go to Mexico?”

“It’s only for four days,” Dawn said. “And I’m going this year because I want to see what I’m made of.”

“I think that’s great, but you certainly don’t need me to go for you to find that out.”

“I don’t have a lot of friends,” Dawn said the words carefully. “I mean, a lot of people act like they want to hang out with me, but they don’t really understand me. You see, this trip is a pretty big deal for me, and I’d really like it if you were there.”

Jessica tried to understand what Dawn was saying, the unspoken message behind the words. She knew some of those insecure feelings of growing up and trying to make decisions when you’re the only child at home, when you live with a father who is too busy to notice you, and when you wish every day you had a mom to talk to. Yes, Jessica understood Dawn’s feelings. Still, it wasn’t enough to convince Jessica she should go to Mexico.

“Dawn, I appreciate you asking me to go to Mexico with you, but it’s just not possible.”

“Why not? The chaperons have their way paid for them. There’s no school on Friday, and Monday is a holiday. I know you would have a good time.”

Jessica shook her head. “Sorry. I can’t go.”

Dawn let out an exasperated puff of air. “Will you at least think about it and pray about it?”

Jessica pursed her lips together and felt the scar tissue on her top lip tighten as she did. “I’ll think about it.”

Dawn’s face lit up. “Thanks.”

She really is a pretty girl
, Jessica thought.
I’d hate to see her mess up her life
.

Dawn changed the subject to school and told Jessica how their guys had won the football game last night. The two of them visited for another five or ten minutes before Jessica asked Dawn a question she didn’t think she could ask anyone else in town. “I happened to notice a grave yesterday across from where I was sitting. The name was Lindsey Atkins. Did you know her?”

“Lindsey? She was Thelma’s granddaughter. She came down from Spokane to take care of Thelma after Thelma got cancer. Lindsey was only here about five months, and then she got pneumonia or something, and she died. It was a big shock to everyone.”

Jessica nodded, hoping Dawn would continue.

“She was so pretty. Red hair and pale skin. She had the most beautiful voice. They had this dinner for the hospital that my dad took me to once, and after dinner Lindsey sang all these Irish songs. I was only in the seventh grade, but I remember it really well.”

“She sounds as if she were a lovely woman,” Jessica said. “How sad that she died when she was only twenty years old.”

“I think the saddest part was that she and Kyle had just gotten engaged. Do you know Kyle Buchanan? He’s a firefighter here.”

Jessica tried to keep her expression steady. “Yes, I’ve met Kyle.”

“They were totally in love, from what everybody says. When she died, Kyle took a leave of absence from his job and moved in with Thelma. He took care of her until the day she died, as if she were his own grandma.”

“Well,” was all Jessica could say.
What a kind man to care for an elderly, dying woman. How deep his love for Lindsey must have been
.

“My dad said once that the whole thing made Kyle paranoid, or something like that.”

“What did he mean?” Jessica asked.

“I don’t know. I guess Kyle hasn’t gone out with anybody since Lindsey died.”

After Dawn left, Jessica thought of how long she had gone on with her life and failed to mourn for the loss of her mother. Perhaps Dr. Laughlin would call her paranoid too, but for the opposite reason. Kyle had mourned too long, and she had just begun.

That evening she sat alone again with the old photo album and cried over her mother’s photos—not the painful, gut wrenching kind of tears she had cried a few weeks ago. This time her tears were like a steady, gentle rain that brought with it a cleansing and healing of the heart. And that was enough to get her through the weekend.

She thought constantly about Kyle and watched the news at six and eleven for updates on the fire. Was he safe? Would the fire be contained soon? The reports Sunday night said that more than a thousand acres had burned, the fire was twenty percent contained, and no homes had been destroyed.

How much longer would Kyle be there? She thought of his dark brown hair and the way it turned wavy on top. She thought of the way his steady hand had felt on her lip in the ambulance and the scent of his cinnamon gum. So her weekend went, with thoughts of Kyle and food filling most of it.

On Monday, she decided to give her students a writing assignment. She was too hungry to concentrate on lecturing. “Okay, take out a sheet of paper,” Jessica instructed, “and write a description of a person you know well. Use the five senses in your descriptions and give me at least three paragraphs.”

Jessica sat down, and her stomach grumbled loudly. She hoped no one heard. After class she planned to raid the faculty lounge for donuts, coffee, anything.

But all she found were rice cakes. With no one watching, Jessica ate the whole bag. She told herself that tomorrow she would have that paycheck and the first thing she would do was buy herself a DoveBar and some treats for the faculty to replace all she had consumed in the past few weeks.

However, on Tuesday, the check didn’t show up in her box. After school she made another dreaded trip to the office. She had listed her Aunt Bonnie as her nearest relative. Aunt Bonnie and Uncle John lived in Pennsylvania. She had little contact with them, but still, that was the best she could do for a relative.

“Looking for something?” Charlotte questioned when Jessica stepped into the office.

Jessica didn’t say anything. She just returned the stare Charlotte gave her.

“Here it is,” Charlotte said, producing the white envelope from behind her back. “Before I give this to you,” Charlotte said, drawing the envelope toward her face and tapping it against the side of her cheek, “I want you to know that I’m on to you, Ms. Morgan.”

Jessica’s heart froze. She mechanically covered up any emotion.

“I don’t know what little game you’re playing or who you are or what you’re doing here in Glenbrooke, but I’m on your trail, and I intend to find out. Because, you see, women who have a degree from Oxford don’t become high school English
teachers in small towns unless they’re hiding from something. The law, maybe?”

Jessica snatched her check from Charlotte’s hand and turned to march off.

“You just wait. I’m going to find out what you’re hiding,” Charlotte called after her.

Jessica’s long strides took her through the front door and down the steps two at a time. She heard a beep-beep. Teri’s car was parked at the curb.

“Hop in,” Teri called.

Jessica was too steamed to do anything else. She plopped down in the seat and shut the door hard. “Get your check?”

“Finally!” Jessica spouted. “What
is
that woman’s problem?”

“Oh, don’t let her get to you. Let’s go to the bank. Where’s your account?”

“I don’t have one yet,” Jessica said.

“I know just the place then.” Teri turned a corner and headed for the center of town. She turned on the radio and started to sing the pop song that filled the air around them.

Her cheery disposition had a diffusing effect on Jessica’s anger, and by the time they reached the bank, Jessica felt somewhat recovered from her encounter with Charlotte.

“I need two forms of ID,” the bank manager said as she began to type up Jessica’s form.

“Um, that’s kind of a problem,” Jessica said. “I don’t have any with me.”

“Not even a driver’s license? It can be out of state.”

“No, I don’t have anything with me.”

The woman stopped typing. “I’m sorry. I can’t complete this without some form of ID. Would you like to stop by tomorrow with your identification, and we can finish this up?”

“Okay,” Jessica said numbly. She hadn’t thought of this
hitch. What would she tell Teri, who was over at a teller’s window talking to someone she knew?

“That was fast,” Teri said.

“I wasn’t able to open the account. I need a driver’s license first. Is the DMV nearby?”

“It’s not far, but they’ll be closed in a few minutes. We’ll have to come back tomorrow.”

As they walked to Teri’s car, a goblin of panic began to howl inside Jessica’s head. How was she going to wait until tomorrow to get some food? “Teri, do you have one of those check cashing stores here? You know, the kind where they charge you a fee, but they don’t require ID?”

“I know what you’re talking about,” Teri said. “We had a lot of those in Escondido. Glenbrooke is too small for something like that. Do you need to borrow some money until you cash your check?”

Jessica hesitated. Her pride overpowered her. “No, that’s okay. Thanks.”

“Where do you want me to take you?” Teri asked.

To the store, to a Dairy Queen, to your house—anywhere that has food!
Jessica thought. All that came out of her mouth, was, “Home, I guess.”

It was quiet for a minute, and then Teri said, “You know what, Jessica? Even though everything has been kind of a struggle for you since you arrived—the accident, Charlotte, not having a car, and whatever else—I just know that God is watching over you. I think everything is going to turn out fine.”

Jessica couldn’t help but snort her disbelief.

“It’s kind of hard to trust God sometimes, isn’t it?” Teri asked cautiously.

“Let’s just say that I live with the philosophy that God helps those who help themselves.”

“I don’t think it works that way,” Teri said, turning the corner to Jessica’s street. “The way I see it is that when we surrender to God, he comes in and acts in awesome ways.”

“Awesome ways?”

“You know what I mean. He supernaturally works everything out for the best.”

Jessica didn’t have the strength to argue with Teri over her version of the supernatural or her opinion of what God’s best might be. They pulled up in front of Jessica’s house and both noticed three paper bags sitting by the front door.

Jessica reached them first and peered inside. They were full of groceries. From the looks of it, they had just been delivered because the frozen can of orange juice on top was still frosty. The accompanying note simply said, “Welcome to Glenbrooke.”

“What’s in the bags?” Teri asked, trotting up the walkway to join Jessica.

“Groceries,” Jessica said in a matter-of-fact tone. Inside, she was flabbergasted.

“Who left them?”

“I don’t know.” Jessica showed Teri the note.

A smile spread across Teri’s face, and she said, “See what I mean? This is God’s awesome way. You weren’t able to go to the store today, so God brought the store to you.”

Jessica unlocked the door and lifted the first bag. “I wouldn’t exactly say I was surrendered to anything or anybody, which you said was the prerequisite.” Jessica prided herself on having done everything herself so far and not letting anyone have control of her life.

“Then I’d call this a cushion of grace. God knew what you needed and provided it before you even had a chance to ask him for it. He caught you on his cushion of grace before you fell.” Teri carried the other two bags into the kitchen and
placed them on the counter. “I need to use your restroom. Then I’ll help you unload your awesome groceries. Where is your bathroom, anyhow?”

“Upstairs,” Jessica said. The minute Teri left the room, Jessica began to breathe deeply, trying to hold back her tears of amazement.

She lifted a rump roast from the sack and pressed the tender red meat with her thumbs. Her mouth began to water. She couldn’t remember the last time she had eaten beef. It must have been that Dairy Queen burger three weeks ago with Kyle. Next came a bag of carrots and then potatoes, milk, eggs, butter, cheese, bread, chicken, lettuce, canned soup, spices, juice, peaches, apples, coffee, broccoli, and then, at the bottom of the last bag, there it was. Jessica couldn’t believe her eyes as she lifted out a box of DoveBars.

She began to cry silently and clutched the frozen box to herself like it was a precious gift. Who knew? She hadn’t said a word about her DoveBar dreams to anyone. Who could have possibly known that of all the things they could have bought for her at the grocery store, this was the ultimate prize. Who knew? God? Jessica brushed the thought away the moment it appeared. A God who would provide her with all this food and even include DoveBars would destroy her firmly established image of God as a vengeful party pooper.

“What a haul!” Teri said brightly, stepping back into the kitchen.

Jessica blinked away her tears and discretely set the box of DoveBars on the counter with the rest of the food.

“What do you want me to put away?” Teri asked. “The refrigerator stuff?”

Before Jessica could stop her, Teri opened the refrigerator and froze with the same stunned look that Kyle had had. “Boy,” Teri said with a laugh, “you really were low on groceries.” She
opened the freezer door and had the same surprised reaction. “I’d say these groceries arrived just in time!” Teri started to fill the refrigerator shelves with the bounty.

Jessica opened a cupboard door and started to stack the soup cans and spaghetti noodles rapidly on the shelves, hoping Teri wouldn’t notice the cupboard had been empty. Teri noticed.

“Looks as if you were out of everything.” Teri’s perky voice had been replaced by a serious one. “Jess, how long have you been out of food?”