Secrets Of The Heart (Book 1, The Heart Series) (22 page)

“Shhh, now, don’t beat yourself up, sweetness.” He traced the hot color with a fingertip. “We’ve all given into temptation. Look at me, I kissed you right after your wedding to my son. I knew better, been taught better, but still I couldn’t resist.”

She shot him a tremulous smile. “I couldn’t resist you either.”

“How could we have not seen this until now? We didn’t want to go there,” he answered his own question.

Suddenly a dawning light entered her eyes. “The more I think about it the more I truly believe Vinnie kept us apart beforehand because he sensed just how right we’d be together. I know that if I had met you before that day I’d have backed out of the wedding. How could I not when I had all these strange feelings coursing through me at the sight of you? I felt pressured into the marriage as it was and that day was even worse.”

The distance that she’d been keeping him at bay with narrowed at her unvarnished honesty. Hope ballooned in his chest at this incredible, insightful side to her, one he’d only occasionally glimpsed. Now, she opened up to him, allowing him to unload his own burden at his part in it all.

“Right before the ceremony, I pulled him aside. I begged him not to go through with it. He accused me of wanting you for myself. I couldn’t deny it. This smirk came over his face, and then he left me there, guilty and ashamed. Now I wonder if he did it all on purpose, too.”

Bree sighed heavily. “He wanted to live up to your expectations to settle down and start a family. All he ever wanted was Tina and when he couldn’t have her he turned to me, his friend.” She bit her bottom lip, and then pressed onward. “I guess the more he talked about you, the more I gave myself away. He must have sensed my…my curiosity about you; I usually prompted him to tell me stories.”

“And, of course, he knew you well, knew how many of the same things we both held dear: children, family, work ethic, responsibilities, and religion.”

“Faith
,” she corrected, capturing his gaze and holding steady.

This time Nick was the one to look away momentarily. “He told us nothing of you, not even a hint. I think he wanted to keep you hidden, all to himself. After knowing you I really can’t blame him for that at all.” He sent her a sly grin.

She actually blushed and dipped her head.

With his thumb and forefinger, he lifted her chin up so now he stared into her shimmering eyes. He sucked in a breath, unsure if he’d read what he thought he did.
Is that love?
Fighting a ripple of panic, Nick cleared his throat, saying, “I better go get cleaned up.”

She stopped him. Gingerly, she touched him, first his shoulders, next the tear in his uniform, and then his stomach. Her delicate strokes broadcast her concern, her caring, more than any other gesture could have.

“I was so scared seeing you hurt when you first came home. I thought…I’d lost you, just like the night you came to tell me Vinnie had died. I was more concerned about you than about my own husband.” She bowed her head, weeping silently.

Hot droplets plopped on the back of his hand, wringing his heart. Her shoulders shook, yet not a sound escaped her tormented soul. A sharp lance of pain ripped through his middle. No woman had ever cared that much about him before, no woman had
loved
him like that before.

She loves me, there’s no mistaking it now.

Hesitantly, Nick reached out. With just his fingertips he caressed her soft bare arms, trying to offer comfort. “Please, don’t cry, Bree, you know it tears me up inside to see you like this.” It hurt to talk, to acknowledge even that much to her.

She jerked her head up, taking him by surprise. He sucked in an aching breath at the now teary, blue eyes laced with more love than he’d ever experienced before in his life.

God, what did I do to deserve this woman? Do I deserve her?

“You want the truth, Nick? Well, I’ll give it to you. I can’t live without you.” She stopped on a sob. “I tried, I really did. But I was punishing both of us, and Sydney too, when I stayed away after Vinnie died. I denied how I felt and it was easier living in denial if I didn’t have to see you, hear you, touch you. I was only surviving.”

He cupped her shoulders, hoping to warm the stark bleakness invading her features now, hoping to release the pent-up emotions swirling inside him at her disclosure. Tongue-tied, he couldn’t force anything past his numb lips.

“I don’t have any pride when it comes to you anymore,” she whispered hoarsely.

His middle clenched. “Don’t, sweetness, don’t lose your self-respect for me.”

She shot him a watery smile. “Oh, but you see, Nick, I’m finally getting rid of the shame and self-disgust I’ve lived with for so long and getting my self-respect back. I used to think talking about my feelings would make me weak and vulnerable, but I realize it makes me stronger.” Taking a deep, shaky breath, she said, “I love you, Nicholas Carletti. I
think
I always have, but I
know
I always will.”

With a heart that swelled to overflowing, Nick savored the precious words. Her declaration sounded like music to his ears.

Clamping his eyes shut, Nick yearned to scoop her up in his arms, whisk her away, and make sweet love to her all night long. But he focused once again, knowing one of them had to be sensible and not be swept away in the heady moment.

In an emotion-roughened voice, he said, “If love was the answer to all our problems then we wouldn’t be battling with each other at every turn.”

He stopped short of confessing his own feelings, knowing he couldn’t trust her with them. He’d had his heart bruised beyond repair by one woman after he’d told her. And he sensed it would shatter in tiny little pieces if Bree ever tossed his love back in his face, just as Dorthea had done.

I can’t trust Bree with my heart. I can’t guarantee she wouldn’t break it; I’ve never loved like this before. It’s just too damn risky.

Swiping at her fast falling tears, Bree said, “You’re right. Even when we’re together, we’re apart. But there’s one thing I do know: We’re better as a family than we ever were on our own. We just have to learn to work as a team instead of against each other. Otherwise we’re going to rip this family in two, smash the best of who and what we are to where we can never repair it.”

Something in her words, her tone, jolted him. Fear clawed at him, leaving great gapping slash marks in its wake. “We—I can’t do that to Sydney. I can’t destroy her or you. But there’s still a part of me that won’t let go of my son.”

She framed his face with her small, soft palms. “I’m not asking you to.”

Grabbing her wrists, he held on, feeling her strong, steady pulse pick up speed. “Aren’t you?”

“Of course not.”

Dragging her hands away from his cheeks, he clung to them with his own, squeezing tightly. “Don’t you see, every day that I’m living my dream it’s like a slap in the face to his memory.”

“Just because he died doesn’t mean you have to die right along with him, Nick.” The fierceness in her tone took him by surprise.

“I should have.”

“Why? So the guilt of surviving wouldn’t gnaw at your insides every minute of every day, so you didn’t have to live with the pain of knowing on some subconscious level you wished him gone so we could be together?”

Shock raced through his veins. “How…how did you know?”

“Because I felt the same way!”

“Noooo,” he said, dragging it out on a moan of shared pain. He’d never wish this agony on anyone, especially not the woman he loved.

She nodded abruptly. “It took me a long time to find solace.”

Envy poked him in the gut. “Got any pointers for me?”

“My faith got me through the worst of it. And the realization that Vinnie’s death brought him a peace he couldn’t find in life and wouldn’t have even if I’d never been his wife. He couldn’t have what he truly wanted most: Tina.”

“But he had Sydney. Wasn’t his daughter enough?”

“No.” Her voice broke, fracturing his heart.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, and then dragging his hand down his face, he admitted, “I don’t think I’ve had a moment’s peace myself since he died. I used to believe in the rightness of the world, that a son would outlive his father. I even used to believe in forevers. But I don’t anymore, sweetness.”

“The pre-nup. Was that one of the reasons? You wanted a forever?”

“Yes,” he dragged the word out. “It’s legal and binding. Not like…life.”

“How can I help you get your faith back?”

“I wish I knew that myself.”
I’ve been lost for so long.

She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close. He returned the tight hold, burying his face in the warm space between her throat and shoulder. Inhaling, he detected the sweetness of her flesh, of his wife.

“You’re a fighter, Nick, fight for what you want, fight for us, for your family,” she whispered.

Melting into her, he clung to the acceptance she freely gave to him and his tormented soul. He stroked the long expanse of her back, reveling in the solid strength beneath the surface beckoning to him to lean on her, to follow her lead.

“Vinnie was your gift from God. He needed you to raise him and love him with all your heart. When the job was through, when you had prepared Vinnie enough, He took him back for bigger and better things to come.”

Through the emotion that clogged his throat, Nick choked out, “So, what you’re telling me is, God is an Indian giver.”

Her body shook with a strangled chuckle. “Something like that.”

Hot, salty tears ran down his cheeks and wet her neck. But she didn’t flinch or cringe. She held tight, her arms warm bands of love cocooning him close to her heart.

“It’s not fair, Bree. He didn’t tell me the rules beforehand. He didn’t tell me there would come a time when He’d take my son away from me.”

“Even if you had known, would you have turned that kind of love away, turned Vinnie away?”

“Never, sweetness, never.” It came out so fierce, so strong that the force of it cracked the last block of ice buried in Nick’s core, releasing him from his self-imposed prison so he could find his way home again.

She sighed, her hot breath fanning his skin. “Take a leap of faith with me, Nick. With me and Sydney. Will you do that?”

***

Hot, sharp needles of water beat down on Nick’s aching body. Billowing clouds of steam rose up, enveloping him in a gossamer mist.

Closing his eyes, he tilted his head down so the stinging spray of the shower pelted the sore muscles along his neck and shoulders.

For the first time in a long time, his mind seemed clear and focused. And his heart expanded as he finally let go of the overwhelming grief and the misplaced blaming.

Bree had begged him to fight, but he knew that’s what he’d been doing all these months: fighting himself, fighting the unfairness of it all, fighting the demons.

She’d given him the key to unlocking the tortured part of his soul without even realizing it. She’d given him a chance to accept the wonderful role he’d played in loving and raising Vinnie.

I did my job, and a pretty good one at that. And no one can ever take that away from me
.

A swift rush of relief zipped through him at the knowledge he’d never really betrayed his son at all. How could he when there hadn’t been anything but friendship between Bree and Vinnie?

Well, they had shared Sydney
.

In this unburdened state, Nick forgave his son for all Vinnie had inflicted on him and Bree, all the needless shame and guilt. For some strange reason, maybe jealousy, his son had kept them apart on purpose.

If I can’t have what I want then you can’t have what you want,
the words Vinnie taunted kids with as a child echoed through Nick’s mind as if his son stood beside him saying them today.

The venom behind the statement had concerned Nick more than anything.

The stunning realization made perfect sense to Nick now. There had been a vindictive streak in Vinnie that he’d tried to blunt, even eradicate. And, for a time, Nick thought he’d succeeded. But how did you wipe it clean with a motherless boy angry at the world?

Vinnie hadn’t been all bad or all good, Nick figured. Flashes of sweet memories zigzagged through his mind, bringing a soft smile to his lips.

As a child his son’s dark brown eyes, so like his own, had sparkled bright and filled with mischief whenever Vinnie had a surprise.

Oh how he’d adored his Nana, cooking her breakfast and serving it to her in bed. Vinnie would crawl in beside her, snuggle close, and then proceed to eat half of it himself. He’d done it more for the affection and the special time with her than anything else.

Nick’s heart squeezed as another memory surfaced. Holding Vinnie tight, Nick had absorbed the sobs of his son when Tina, his true love, had left him after three years of being school sweethearts. Vinnie had never been the same after that.

Raising his head, Nick let the water massage his scalp. He moaned in pleasure, savoring the delicious feel of washing the tenseness away, of cleansing the ugly, distorted past so it made sense.

And with the new outlook, Nick poked at the lack of faith he’d adopted. He’d stopped believing in everything, except the badge, as Bree so eloquently pointed out a few hours ago.

“But why? Why hold onto that?” Just as quickly as he asked that, he found the answer. Justice was more concrete in a lot of ways. It had guidelines to follow, set rules and regulations to obey.

Honor. Integrity.

The courts, and the people that influenced the decision making, didn’t always mete out a just sentence or sometimes none at all.

But life had a funny way of equaling the score. That’s what he believed and trusted in all his life and would go on doing so until the day he died. And he’d clung to that, like a beacon, like a lifeline.
My saving grace.

He smiled slightly, thinking he’d never turned his back completely on his faith after all. A thin thread had connected him all along.