See Jane Fall (44 page)

“Yes, sir,” Lars whispered, letting the door
close behind him.

***

“Paul will be sorry he missed you, lass.”

Jane took another sip of her coffee,
remembering the first time she’d come in, looking for a cup of
warmed milk. It seemed like so long ago.

“I’ll be back, Maggie.”

“So you say.”

Maggie gave Jane a brief smile then busied
herself rinsing mugs in the sink under the counter.

“Hey, you believe me, don’t you?”

“Do you really want to hear what I think?”
Maggie looked up, wiping her hands on her apron, and Jane nodded,
although she wasn’t sure. Maggie looked downright angry. “Jane, I
dinna mean to speak harshly, but I feel strongly that…you should
get yer head outta yer arse.”

Jane eyes flew open and she leaned back in
her seat, shocked by Maggie’s tone and demeanor. Her accent sure
got thick when she was mad.

“M-Maggie!”

“There’s a man. A good man who wants to take
a chance on you. And you want to take a chance on him. And neither
of you’s got a thing standin’ in your way. You’re both young.
Doesn’t work out? Nothin’ ventured, nothin’ gained. If it does?
You’ve found the love of your life, ye wee lucky thing. But then
you tell me that you’re not stayin’ after all. You’re leavin’ him.
You’re goin’ back to New York, with your skag cousin, to a job you
hate, like a scared school lass, because your uncle yelled at you.
Do I have all that right, now, Jane?”

Jane nodded, stunned.

“Then I hope Lars can find a
grown
woman
once ye go.”

Jane’s face fell and she nodded, feeling
miserable.

“Och, Jane.” Maggie said gently, walking
around the bar to sit down on the stool beside Jane and put her arm
around Jane’s shoulders. “You haven’t a mum to tell you this, so
maybe I’m bein’ too harsh with you. But, lass. Comes a time when
you leave childish things behind. And when the man you want, wants
you back, you don’t leave him behind. Not for anythin’.”

“But, my uncle…”

“Blast yer selfish family. So, he’ll be a
wee bit mad at ye, Jane. Maybe for a day, maybe for a week, maybe
for ten years. Who can tell? But, Lars’ll have his arms around ye
for comfort. We dinna live our lives for our parents. At some
point, we bid them farewell. And if they try to hold on, it’s on us
to pull away.”

“You’re brave,” said Jane. “You come from a
long line of adventurers.”

“You could be brave too, Jane. Take a risk.
Take a chance.”

Jane swallowed, wishing again that she’d had
an older sister like Maggie.

“I don’t want to leave him, Maggie.”

“Then dinna leave him, Jane. Stop makin’ yer
life so bloody complicated.” She put her palm to Jane’s cheek and
Jane could smell the ground coffee beans, comforting and warm.
“Stop gettin’ in your own way, lass.”

Maggie stood up and pushed the stool back
in, walking back around to resume her position at the bar.

“I have to go,” Jane said. “Mr. Lindstrom’s
driving us to the—”

“Good-bye, Jane,” said Maggie without
looking up from the sink where she was rinsing.

***

When Jane arrived back at the cottage, Mr.
Lindstrom was there, packing up the back of the van and securing
several pieces of luggage to the top. Sebastian sat inside the van,
and Jane assumed that Sara and Franco were still inside.

“Almost ready, Jane. Your cousin all
set?”

“I’ll get her, Mr. Lindstrom.”

Sara and Franco stood in the middle of the
living room, kissing like they were the only two people in the
world. In spite of herself and without a shred of jealousy for her
cousin’s new affair, Jane couldn’t help the overwhelming surge of
loneliness that crashed over her.

You’re making a mistake and it’s almost too
late.

She cleared her throat.

“Ah-hem. We’re ready whenever you are.”

They didn’t stop kissing immediately. They
took their time finishing, and finally Franco released Sara,
stepping back from her. “
Dolce
, S. You please me.”

Jane looked down at the floor, uncomfortable
to be a third wheel to such intimacy, but she didn’t want to keep
Mr. Lindstrom waiting. And she needed to get the hell out of
Gardiner before she changed her mind.

Jane sat beside Mr. Lindstrom in the front
seat, while Franco and Sara shared the first seat with Sebastian,
who was asleep within minutes of leaving Gardiner. Franco had
advised Sara to let him “have-a the silence” for the duration of
the ride and she complied by nestling into his side, pulled next to
his body by one massive, tan arm and promptly fell asleep beside
him. When Jane looked back, Franco winked at her.

“It’s-a good, Jane, S and me,” he whispered,
glancing at Sara then back at Jane. “And-a you give me the
idea.”

“
I
did?”

“When-a you say you not coming to Jackson
Hole, I think…how’s-a S going to take that? Then she take it, and I
think…maybe she don’t want to be in charge of everything. So, I be
a little rough with her, see what she say.” He kissed his fingers
and opened them in celebration, grinning at Jane. “Sure enough. The
tigress just a kitten under all-a the yelling. Except when I
want
the claws.”

She held up her palm. “Got it. Good, um,
good for you two. Got it.”

She turned to face front in her seat. When
she looked back again, Franco’s eyes were closed and he rested his
head on Sara’s.

Jane glanced at Mr. Lindstrom, at the father
of the man she loved. She didn’t know what to say. Surely he knew
what had happened between them. Surely his words for her would be
as bruising as Maggie’s. He had a right to them.

“Mr. Lindstrom?” she started in a small
voice.

He glanced at her, his face impassive.

“I just want you to know that I love
him.”

“Saw you together on Saturday and again
yesterday. I believe you.”

“Do you think he’ll wait for me?”

“He’s a man, Jane. Waiting’s not our strong
suit. But, if I know my
Midten
, he’ll try like hell to hold
on.”

Mr. Lindstrom adjusted and readjusted his
hands on the steering wheel, as if he had something on his mind,
then he turned to Jane.

“You know what the saddest word in the world
is, Jane? In the whole world?”

Jane shook her head.

“Regret.”

“Regret,” she whispered.

“Saddest word there is. Try to live without
regrets, girl.”

Regret. Jane thought back to the last time
she made this ride to the airport last Tuesday. They had danced
together and spent the night before holding each other, and she had
broken things off the next morning on the way to the airport.

She had wasted Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday
and some of Friday missing him, wondering about him, falling in
love with him. She had wasted time instead of making the most of
every minute she could have had with him. She regretted it.

And suddenly, she wished she could turn back
the clock and have those days back, have those nights back, spend
those nights wrapped in his arms, touching his face, loving
him.

Today is Monday, and you’re leaving him
today. Next Monday you’ll be sitting in a cab or on the bus in the
middle of midtown traffic, and you’ll ask yourself: Why did I leave
him? Why did I let him go? Why did I waste time flying back to New
York when my heart was beating in Montana?

The saddest word in the world is regret.

She thought of Maggie’s Aunt Lily. Of
Maggie’s words from earlier:
When the man you want, wants you
back, you don’t leave him behind.

Because if you do, you will regret it…maybe
for the rest of your life.

All morning she had heard the words in her
head:
You’re making a mistake. You’re making a mistake.
And
then she knew—it was true. Jane’s decision to leave Sara’s employ
had been the
right
decision, because it was about
self-respect. Her decision to take photos of Yellowstone, perfect
her craft, and start a new profession had been the
right
decision, because it was about nurturing her gifts. Her decision to
stay with Lars had been the
right
decision, because it was
about love. The only bad decision she had made, for all the
wrong
reasons—obligation, fear, pressure, loneliness—was to
go back to New York.

She looked down at her lap, feeling the
quickening of her resolve until her decision was made, and this
time, it was in stone. It was final.

Jane was staying in Montana.

She would have to call Uncow and tell him.
He might hang up on her. He might try to strong-arm her into going
back. Certainly Sara, who had to be behind her father’s directive,
would raise hell. And she might lose them for a while. Maybe even
forever. But, something wasn’t better than nothing, after all. And
something like life with the Mayses certainly couldn’t hold a
candle to the potential of a life with Lars.

Jane turned to Mr. Lindstrom, her heart
lighter and more resolved than it had ever been in her life.

“Mr. Lindstrom?”

He turned to her, eyebrows raised.

“After my cousin gets on that plane without
me, I’m going to need a ride home, if that’s okay.”

He smiled at her, his tan, wrinkled face
crinkling with pleasure.

“Well, Jane. Can’t think of anything I’d
rather do.”

***

Mr. Lindstrom offered to handle the baggage
check-in and Franco went to find some herbal tea for Sara. When she
protested that she’d prefer a latte, he put his hands on her hips
and lowered his mouth to hers, hard at first and then softer, until
she seemed more pliant in his arms.

“Franco don’t-a like the caffeine for you
before we go flying, S. The tea be good for you.”

Sara had smiled at him and nodded. Jane
still felt stunned by the change in Sara, but also fascinated that
what it took to tame Samara Amaya was something no one had ever
tried: a firm hand. Franco didn’t seem to care that she was
beautiful. And what was it Sara had said? She felt safe with Franco
in charge
. Safe. Hmm.

Sara started into the terminal after him,
but Jane grabbed her arm and pulled her over to a bench under an
awning on the sidewalk near the SkyCab, pulling her cousin down
beside her.

“Jane, what are you doing? We have to check
in.”

“Remember what you said before at the
cottage? About how Franco makes you feel safe?”

“Yeah. So, what?”

“You’ve never felt safe…not since you were
nine. Not since your uncle and aunt died and your cousin moved in
with you, and your whole life changed.”

Sara’s face clouded over, hardened. She
looked around to see if Franco was in earshot, then she hissed.
“Fuck you, Jane. God, you are such a pain in the ass! It’s
always
about you, isn’t it?”

“This is about
us
. Me and you. Your
whole world changed. So did mine. But, everyone felt sorry for me,
focused on me. No one felt sorry for you.

“You didn’t always hate me, Sara, did you?
Do you remember that one night? That night you held me? You crawled
into bed with me and held me?”

“I don’t have time for this.” Sara’s eyes
flashed and she started to get up, but Jane grabbed her arm, making
her stay.

“Do you remember when you got in bed with
me? Do you remember that night?”

“Oh, Jane. Please don’t be so goddamned
tedious.”

“Just tell me if you remember!”

“Yes! Yes, okay? Yes, I remember! You cried
every night. You were so fucking sad. You were reaching for someone
and I was the only one there. Yes, I remember. Are you happy
now?”

“You loved me, Sara.” Jane winced, holding
back tears. “We loved each other. We did. Why do you hate me so
much now?”

“I don’t hate
you
, stupid! It was
never about
you
. I only ever wanted
him
. I didn’t
want to
share
him, Jane. You needed so much.
Too
much. He wasn’t
your
father!”

“I didn’t have anyone else.”

“Which made me a bad person for resenting
you. Selfish, unhappy Sara who should be grateful for what she has,
and is a terrible person because she isn’t. She’s beautiful and her
parents are alive and well. And it’s true…my dad didn’t die. But, I
still lost him. I still lost him, Jane.

“I just wanted my family back to the way it
was, but I wasn’t allowed to be sad because you had the market on
sad. And I wasn’t allowed resent you, because you were an orphan.
But I became an orphan too. Just in a different way.

Sara took a deep breath then breathed out in
a hiss, fanning her eyes to keep from crying. “Goddamn it, Jane.
You are the trial of my life.”

She finally clasped her hands in her lap and
turned back to Jane, speaking softly, rapidly, unable to look Jane
in the eyes. “Lars never made a move on me. He came to my trailer
and I was already in my underwear and
I
kissed
him
. I
threw
myself at him. He didn’t kiss me.”

“I know.”

“And that recording? I was basically
blackmailing him. I said if he didn’t make me happy I’d have him
fired. He only said all of that to buy time. He never would have
followed through. He loves you. He doesn’t care a thing about me.
He’s not even attracted to me, Jane. Listen to this.”

Sara took out her iPhone and pressed the
microphone app, choosing a message from Friday. She swiped her
finger to fast forward a bit and suddenly Lars’s voice was
speaking.
I only ever wanted Jane. It had nothing to do with
you.

Jane closed her eyes against the sweet,
heartbreaking sound of his voice. She had come so close to leaving
him, the specter of loss was still hovering, still daring her to
walk away from him.

“I’m not going with you, Sara,” Jane
whispered, looking at her cousin’s lovely profile. “I’m not leaving
him.”