Seeking Nirvana (11 page)

The
more shots I consumed, the more relaxed I began to feel as I blocked out the couple fawning over each other behind me on the dance floor. But Tyler seemed to be getting too tactile. He snaked his arm around my waist, pulling me into him, and although I was attempting to escape his advances, he was too strong for my tipsy state. “Come on, baby. I’m sure if you give me a chance, I’ll drill some sense into you,” he slurred in my ear, his left hand wandering unabashed over the left side of my body. I felt his fingers rousing and hitching the material of my blouse higher. I tried to push him away, but it was a futile attempt due to me drowning my fucking woes.

Alcohol is never the answer to anything.

“Hey, I told you, no. Now stop it.”

He pressed up against me.
“Come on, sweetheart, let’s have a little fun, the night is young…” His breath was warm and bitter against my skin, his fingers browsed my hipbone.

Luckily, the bartender saw my struggles and
warned the man off, threatening him with security if he didn’t pack it in. With that being said, he raised his hands and slipped himself from the stool. Before walking away, he eyed me scornfully. “Fucking waste of time, I should have known someone dressed like that wouldn’t put out.”

I dropped my head and
gnawed on my lower lip, silently contemplating what the fuck had happened to me during the time which I cannot attest to. I had no idea why, but tears formed in my eyes as I twisted on my seat and scanned the dance floor beyond the railing and steps, to the floor below. Walker stood behind Liv; she was twisting her hips and dropping to a crouch before slithering her ass up the length of Walkers denim-clad legs. His arms were coiling around the curve of her waist when he lifted his head, holding my stare through the horde of partygoers.

I forced a smile,
before giving way to a frown as my head plunged once again.

Slipping off the stool, I snared my clutch under my left arm. I noticed Walker’s head lift slightly in a small, ‘what’s the matter’ nod. I simply shook my head, breathed in deep, and made my way outside.

As I stepped away from the heat and rowdiness of the club, I admonished myself for not bring a jacket. Sliding my way through the patrons that gathered outside, I was rewarded with a caramel-skinned woman breathing smoke into my face. I coughed and shook my head as I halted my lungs plea to draw in a gulp of air, which wasn’t polluted.

Halfway
down the block, I was strolling past a small store which was screened by metal shutters covered in heavy graffiti, when I heard someone calling my name. I didn’t need to turn to know it was Walker, it sounded like he was calling for someone called Katy, as he always did.

I froze and ousted a
defeated sigh.

My frozen body was rounded. He was standing sturdily
and rigid in front of me, his thumbs hooked through his belt loops as he shrugged. “What the fuck? Why’d you leave, darlin’?

Why did I leave? Fuck, we could
have been there all night with that answer, and a whole lot of embarrassment for me afterwards. I flailed my head, my blond hair whipping around my face. “Walker, please. Just leave me alone,” I implored on an outbreath.

“Not u
ntil you tell me what the fuck’s wrong.” His eyes were wide and grave, his jaw tight and enticing with all that gruff. Relinquishing his hoops, he huddled his hands inside his pockets and raised his shoulders once again. All I could imagine was that panther flexing on his back. “Was it me? Did I do something to offend ya, darlin’? Because if I did––”

We were obviously beginning to cause a
display, because every person who skirted us made it well aware that they were hoping to catch a bit of gossip, with the way their eyes lingered on us. Fucking vultures.

“Walker, are you just going to stand there
, because this is causing a scene,” I hissed.

“’Aye, you’re
damn fucking right I am.”

I
sneered and cocked my head. “Fine, carry on,” I replied unfettered, and circumvented his unyielding, God-like body.

Five steps I succeeded in taking,
when the ground was abruptly pulled away from my feet. Strong, naked arms that were both warm and secure were bound around my waist. His hands locked in a vice-like grip and rested on my stomach.

“Get the fuck off me you looney.” I squirmed, kicked and flailed my arms
and legs around like a baby bird taking first flight. His grip tightened around me, almost halting my ability to breathe. “Walker, I mean it, get the fuck off me you asshole,” I screamed, still he didn’t let up.

“Kady,” he whispered through my hair which screened my ear.
Concentrating on his voice, I began to lax instantly. “People are watching, darlin’. Don’t think I’ll let them stop me from getting the answers I want from you.”

Feeling his words as the
outbreath they journeyed on pasted to my skin, was like my personal sedation. My squirming halted, my muscles loosened, and the veins and tendons which strained in his forearms as he supported my body weight, didn’t go unnoticed as his overpowering me caused me to hang my head.

“Good
girl,” he breathed; my body’s inner chill spawned a decadent tingle which I wished could have stayed at one location. “Now, I’m going to count to three. I’ll set you back down, but you have to meet me halfway. Understand, darlin’?”

In the python-constriction of his brawny arms, I strived to draw in a meaningful
gulp of air. It was a futile attempt to say the least. I nodded.

Counting low and even in my ear, my feet were finally
reunited with the solidity of the sidewalk. His arms slowly unraveled from my middle. I turned around to face him with tangible caution.

“Now what was all that about, Kady? Why’d you leave?”
his voice soft with concern.

I stared him in the eye for what I
longed to be a lifetime. They pleaded with me, they were inquisitive…they were the Indian Ocean which I was more than happy to be stranded in. But I knew it was wrong. The feelings I had, the attraction…it was all very wrong.

“I”––I forced a swallow and gathered my brow––“I couldn’t watch you two fawning over each other.”

Arms folded across his broad chest, Walker’s eyebrows instantly shot up to his hairline. Liv obviously must have been rubbing her hands through his sweat-infused locks because it was all rumpled yet so fucking sexy. That wayward part of me envied her ability to indulge in just that.

When a
diminutive grin marked the left corner of his mouth, his brow began to loosen, and his eyes narrowed with question, “Were you jealous, darlin’?” he asked, his mouth conceding to that tiny twitch, and sending him into a modestly arrogant smirk. I was positive that that smirk alone could have won the title of Sexiest Expression of the Year.

“Yeah, carry on Walker, just laugh at me. I’m used to people laughing at my expense nowadays,” I riled.

“Hey,” that sole word was like an extinguisher on my frustration as it came deep and indulgent. He took a long, well measured stride to close the distance between our bodies. Air wedged in my throat as he lifted his hand and cradled my face, the calloused surface chaffing my cheek. “I’m not laughing at you, darlin’,” his mouth quirked again, and I noticed that tiny, tiny dimple form on his left cheek. “I would never laugh or judge you.” His head was low, his stare intense. I fought with very ounce of strength I had not to do something that I knew I would be unable to take back. “You were jealous.” It was a statement, but that lilt posed it as a question.

The position we found ourselves in on a busy sidewalk, with cars passing by, the streetlamps glowing, Walker’s large, rough hand pressed against my skin, and adrift in the Ocean, which was beginning to suffer turbulent waves of emotion, had me wanting
to stay in that heady predicament indefinitely.

But what
I needed more was to stay safe; I needed not to fuck up. Taking a cautious, liberal step back, his hand fell from me, back to his side heavily. “I don’t know why I did? I shouldn’t have. I’m in a relationship,” I grunted, bolstering my words with a shaking of my head. “Yes, it’s flawed, and not making much sense to me at the moment, but it’s a relationship nevertheless. You’re not mine to be jealous over, Walker. You’re nothing to me.”

He tried to disguise it, I know he did, but nothing could mask the way his face fell, the shadow which was cast in his eyes, and the gasp of air he took as
his body stiffened at my words.

Flailing my head, my gaze shifted to the gray stones of the walkway. “You’re nothing to me,” I
repeated again under my breath in an attempt to realize it for myself. I lifted my head to meet his wounded gaze. “I may be powerless to control these feelings, but I
can
control what prompts them. Stay away from me, Walker.”

Turning on my heel, I start
ed to march down the block when he called, “We’re still on for McGinty’s Thursday night, right?”

I twist
ed around to face him but continued to walk backwards. “Don’t you listen? I said stay away, Walker.” I turn around again.

“But––”

“Fuck McGinty’s,” I tossed back over my shoulder, cutting him off, “And fuck the situation.”

My head was
jumbled. Thoughts were random, feelings were chaotic. I tortured myself as I relived the What Ifs in a time loop in my mind as I walked home with my mint-green clutch purse under my left arm, my heels dangling from my right hand. What if I stared at him a moment longer when he held my cheek? What if I squirmed a little more in his grasp? What if instead of taking a clear step away from him, I had lifted my head back a little farther? What if we kissed?

This wasn’t something that I should have been marveling over
. I should’ve been considering how to get things back to normal with Liam. Questioning how and why things had spiraled so far out of control. I wasn’t in Kansas anymore with him…that was for sure.

Trudging up the front steps to the house, a
recognizable intonation of “Coo-ee” had me dropping my head as I met the dark wood door of the white building and sifted for my keys.

“Please, someone take me back to the accident and
be done with me,” I muttered to myself before lifting my head and unenthusiastically turning my focus onto the Mrs. Steinbeck. She was donning a pink fluffy robe, slippers and a purple hairnet holding her barrel curlers in place. I forced a smile. “Yes, Mrs. Steinbeck.”

“Kady, I see you’re alone.”

And this was her business why?

“That I am.
Wal–” shit, I halted and discreetly rolled my eyes. “Jack has an early start in the morning, so we called it a night.”

“Hmm…” she nodded with a faux smile.
Her expression befell to one of sincerity when she lifted a Tupperware bowl. “Mr. DeLaney called earlier saying he was concerned you might not eat properly, so I told him that I would bring something over. I made a chicken casserole and had some spare. Can’t have you starving now can we.”

With a crumpled brow and pursed lips,
I hesitantly accepted the container. “Liam called?”

“He said he
tried getting in contact with you, but there was no answer.”

“I see. Well, how kind of both of you to look out for me.” I made no attempt to mask my sardonic tone, and mirrored her once faux smile.

She rubbed my arm with dumpy fingers. “We all lookout for each other in this town, Kady; we’re one big happy family,” she sang while wobbling her head. Good God, kill me now. I half expected a colorful float to roll down the block and everyone burst into an A* neighborhood performance.

“So I notice
d,” I muttered all the while remembering how many people had witnessed mine and Walker’s intense display. Fuck…

After nosey-parker droned on about how important it is that I attempt to walk in the shoes of
the me which I had lost, I studied her as she waddled down the front steps. She flashed a smile and a keen wave before making her way up the path, the shuffling of her fluffy slippers echoing through the night.

I jammed my key in the lock
and hastily pushed it open. “Liam, what the fuck are you up to? Getting Mrs. Busybody to keep tabs on me…worried I won’t eat.” I argued with myself as my pumps clattered to the flooring and made a beeline through to the kitchen. “I’m a fucking adult. I know how important it is to eat. Fucking idiot. How dare he?” I dropped the container into the refrigerator, causing the double silver doors to shake under protest as I slammed it shut.

I stomped up the stairs, shaking in my head while
resuming my muttering, “God, I feel like I’m under fucking surveillance. You’re not going to get away with this, Liam DeLaney. This is far from acceptable.”

Stepping into the bedroom, the phone began to emit its God awful drilling noise. I flounced over the bed to the
right-side, whipped the handset from the cradle and took my aggression out on the button with my thumb.

“Hell
o,” I barked.

“Hey, Kady, baby.”

“Thank God you called Liam; I have a bone to pick with you,” I hissed, immediately on the defensive.