Self Destruct (2 page)

Jake noticed my hesitation.  He smiled
reassuringly at me, “Rebecca, I just want to get to know you better.  You don’t have to unload whatever dark images just raced through your mind.  Don’t answer anything you don’t want to ok?”  I nodded again, I was starting to look like a bobble head, but I pushed on because I wanted to get to know him better too.  “Alright, what is the craziest thing you have ever done?”

He
thought for a minute.  I was starting to sense that beneath the nice guy exterior Jake is a bit reckless.  “I went to Europe alone and backpacked for the entire summer after I graduated high school.  I just packed a bag, bought a ticket and went.  I didn’t tell anyone I was going, but I did leave my parents a note.  I only had a little bit of money.  I walked, took rides, and did odd jobs in vineyards and such for extra money.  Man were my parents pissed when I came back, but I moved out a couple of weeks later so I really didn’t have to put up with them for long.”

His eyes start
ed shining with mischief, “Where is the craziest place you’ve ever done it?”  Damn.  I swallowed my soda wrong and began to choke.  “Uh…” shit, shit, shit, “I haven’t,” I squeaked.  His mouth dropped, and he looked disappointed.  “So you’re a…” He couldn’t even spit it out.  “Yeah, I am,” I shrugged.  This wasn’t going well.  “You would have said something right?” He asked narrowing his eyes.  “Probably, but it didn’t really seem like a first date topic.  Look it isn’t a big deal.  I never really met anyone that did it for me, and I don’t just throw myself around for the sake of experience.”

“It is a big deal, and a lot of pressure,” Jake replied.  “I don’t exactly remember offering you my virginity,” I snapped.  “You’re right I’m sorry.  I just, hell
, never mind.  Are you ready to go?”  I had a sense he was going to take me back to my place now, and that might be exactly where I wanted to go.

He pulled his truck in
to my parking lot.  I didn’t sit next to him on the ride back; it just felt too awkward.  I held my breath for the incoming brush off, and he turned to face me.  I could see the conflict written all over his face.

“I know I asked you back to my place, but I don’t think I can sit close to you while you are wet and half naked without trying to seduce you.  I don’t want to take advantage of you like that.”  He brushed his hand across my cheek, pushing wayward strands of hair out of my face.  He left his hand cupped to the side of my face before slipping it behind my neck.  Then he leaned forward and kissed my forehead.  Yep I just became a kid in his eyes.  “I’m going out of town for a week.  A friend of mine is getting married back in my hometown.  I’ll call you when I get back.”

I smiled weakly and nodded.  There I went with the bobble head thing again.  I opened the door to his truck and let myself in my apartment.  I was fairly sure, not a hundred percent but close enough, that I just got a brush off, because I’m not a slut.  What. The. Hell. 

As if she
had super heightened best friend powers my phone started ringing Toni’s personal ringtone,
Bananas
by Gwen Stefani.  Because well it just fit her, and her love of old music.  I slid my finger over the screen and took her call.  “Hey,” I answered without my usual enthusiasm.  “I’m not going to say it,” she said.  “Say what?” 

“Uh I told you so? He isn’t right for you.”  I sigh
ed loudly and then rehashed the evening in painfully minute detail. “Ok, here is what you are going to do,” Toni bossed.  “You are going to go get your bags and toss your skankiest clothes in.  Eh, don’t even think about arguing with me because your skanky clothes are what the rest of us call normal.  Then you are going to jump in that beater your cheap-ass dad got you and safely haul your ass to my lake house.  It’s only like 8:30 and since you stay up all night anyway you might as well spend it en route to some fun.  And you aren’t going back in a week to wait around for the dumbass either.  He has your number.  He said he would call, but when he doesn’t at least you won’t be alone.”

Ouch.  Talk about ripping the band-aid off.  I nod
ded, and then realized I was talking on the phone. “You win.  I’ll leave in a half an hour.”

Aiden

I think I hate sorority girls.  I might also be starting to hate blondes.  All I wanted to do was head to the lake with my two best friends and get away from crazy chicks.  I’ve had enough with their estrogen driven shit.  But where is our cabin located? That's right, in between two different groups of women.  I can’t catch a break. 

The sorority girls are the worst though.  I mean they have definitely resurrected
Legally Blonde
and drank the Kool Aid.  Shit, they are wearing scraps of shiny pink fabric that kinda looks like scales.  They all have the same color blonde, and I have zero interest in seeing if it is natural. 

I shook my head at them trying to pose seductively
for my friend Jeremy, which is going to get them nowhere because he is totally gay.  We have been friends forever, and I’ve known he was gay since high school.  I usually don’t even think about it.  That was until five dumber than shit blondes each surrounded him trying to stick their plastic breasts out farther than the other.

A few years ago, hell a month ago, I would have been all over this situation.  Those girls are easy, they k
now it, and they know we know it.  Not happening today though.  All I wanted to do was steal one of Nick’s pretentious micro-brews from the cooler on the porch and drink.  Maybe if I drank enough the red head doing a piss poor job of learning to jet ski wouldn’t be making my heart race. God, does she really have to laugh like that while she totally floods the thing?  There is nothing sexier than a girl who doesn’t take herself too seriously.

I
took another long pull from the bottle.  I’m going to have to switch to something harder if she continues to toss that magnificent red hair around.  What the hell is wrong with me?  There are five nearly naked girls right in front of me, and I can’t stop watching the one in a plain one piece covered up by an ugly ass orange life vest. 

I really don’t need this shit right now. 
Sure things have been strained between Vanessa and me.  We haven’t had a real conversation in a long time. Shit, we haven’t had a real relationship in a long time. Honestly it has never felt like a real relationship to me.  Instead of coming home from NYU this summer she chose to stay and take summer classes, but we have been together for nearly seven years.   Seven very long years.  Guilt is a bitch.  I've buried myself under so much of it I can't seem to find my way out.  Guilt bonded us together, and kept us that way ever since. 

Nick comes stomping out of the cabin behind me.  “Dammit Aiden, go to the fucking store and buy your own beer.  You don’t even like my shit.”  “Fine, do you need anything?”  “No, just get some good stuff.  None of that cheap stuff that tastes like piss.”  I nod
ded my agreement.  What the hell, I could use some cigarettes anyway, and to get away from the goddess I can only pray is gone when I get back.  I'm not free, and seeing Red reminds me of the shackles around my neck.

The trip to the store was too fast, but when I got back the red head was gone.  I am disappointed as well as relieved, but I won’t examine it too closely.  I put the beer in the fridge and step
ped back out on the porch for a smoke.  As soon as I lit up I saw Nick and Jeremy coming around the corner with Antonia, the spunky Latina from next door, and damn, the red head.

Nick has been trying unsuccessfully all week to get into Toni’s pants, but now he is just too fucking close to the one I want.  I mean
, if I were free to want.  Dammit. I can’t help that right now I want to punch my best friend in his face for slipping his arm around her shoulders and whispering in her ear.  I want to pound on him because he is free to flirt with her and I’m not.

I came straight to Chelan from visiting Vanessa in New York.  I have no doubt Vanessa has s
omething going with another guy. She didn’t exactly hide it from me during my visit.  So there wouldn’t be any harm in just talking to Red.  I would be doing her a favor actually, because Nick is a total player.  I can tell by the way she was blushing that she is really innocent.  I’m sure she is a virgin by the way she keeps looking away and flushing.  Not that Nick would give a shit. He would totally take advantage of her.  Asshole.

I
n order to save her virtue and my friendship I should really just get off the porch and talk to her.  I must say I am impressed at how easily I talked myself into this.  I don’t even feel guilty.  Maybe a little guilty, but only at how right it feels heading toward her.

“Hey Toni, I see you finally have some company,” I
said trying to get an introduction.  “Yeah, I finally convinced her to get out of Ellensburg and hang with me.”  I gulped, hard.  How was it I never asked Toni where she went to college?  I should have at least checked if she went to Central too.  Shit, that means Red goes there too. 

Oblivious to my internal debate Nick unknowingly
decided to torture me.  “Becca I wanted you to meet my friend Aiden.  He goes to Central too.”  Ah, Red’s name is Becca, cute. I reached my hand out to her, “Nice to meet you Becca. Is that short for something?”  My voice had become a low growl, but only I seem to have noticed.  Becca’s face flamed up.  Nope she noticed too.  I don’t usually go for blushing virgins, but God does she make it seem sexy.  “It’s short for Rebecca,” she answered in a husky feminine voice.  Even her voice is sexy.

Nick
led Toni off into the house.  I can tell he was getting closer to his end goals with her. Part of me feels like I should warn her he doesn’t stick around.  What kind of hypocrite would that make me? I am flirting with her friend even though I know it isn’t going anywhere.

I notice
d Becca glance toward my pack of cigarettes on the porch rail.  “Do you smoke?” I asked.  “Not usually.  I mean I have, but only after drinking,” she shrugged.  I can tell that she really wanted to smoke, so I reached into the cooler and grabbed a beer that I re-stocked.  “There now you have a drink, why don’t you join me?”  She opened the bottle and took a big drink.  I stared at the way her neck strained forward.  I imagined dragging my tongue across where I could see her pulse flutter.

I turn
ed away from her until it became too obvious where my thoughts were wandering.  I grabbed the pack and shook out two cigarettes.  I handed her one and leaned forward to light it for her.  She took a long drag and sighed.  I know smoking is awful, and I should quit, but something about what she just did was captivating.  It really wasn't the cigarette, it was like she just made some major life decision and I was watching it.  I’ve barely talked to her and I was fascinated.  Maybe I should go call Vanessa and stop thinking about this girl.  At least then I’ll remember why I was trying to drink myself into oblivion.

Rebecca

I was really second guessing allowing Toni to talk me into coming out here last night.  But she was right, as usual, I had fun trying to learn how to jet ski.  I totally suck, but it was fun.  I was having a good time talking to Aiden, until he said he had to make a call and left.  That was a few hours ago. 

Before he left I kept noticing him staring at me.  It seemed like he was flirting, and then poof he was gone.  I shouldn’t be surprised though.  That is what guys do, at least as far as I’m concerned.  They send mixed signals.  Not that I’m really interested in trying to go on a date.  Maybe Toni has the right idea.  She is dragging this thing out with Nick so she can have some fun for the next couple of weeks, and then she’ll sleep with him and that will be that. 

Antonia has met a lot of people in the few weeks
she has been here. So, I wasn't surprised when she announced we are throwing a party.  I don’t want to throw a party.  There will be cleaning up to do, and lots of drunken strangers.  She insists we do it before Kate comes up next week though because Kate is a prude.  Yes I know that is weird coming from me, but she dresses like a Sunday school teacher.  She is smokin’ hot, but she hides under dowdy shapeless clothes.  She would really hate this.

For the next hour we ran around shoving breakables into cabinets, our jewelry into her father's safe, and tidying up in general.  I called Kate to complain, because she would get it.  Yeah, I want to burn her wardrobe, maybe get her tipsy.  Not drunk, just out of her own head.

"Hey Kate," I greeted when she answered.  "Hey back, Bec.  What's Toni done now?" she teased.  I groaned.  Kate always cut to the chase.  "She's throwing a party to land her newest conquest."  "Ah, I see.  I'm glad I skipped this trip.  About that actually, I'm not sure I'm going to make it there at all," she said dropping the bomb.  "Kate com'on, you can't abandon me here with her when she is in party mode," I begged.  "Becca, you don't have to be there you know.  I have to work.  I...I just hate those kind of things.  I love you both, you know that, but her parties aren't my thing.  Besides, I'm trying to convince my brother to transfer to Central."  "How is Cameron anyway?" I asked, falling for her changing subjects.

"He's hanging in there.  He's heartbroken, but he'll get over it.  I'm sorry I'm not there for you, but I just can't you know?" she said quietly.  "Are you ever going to tell me what you're hiding from?" I asked her.  "Are you?" she countered.  "Touché.  I guess some skeletons are better left in their closets," I muttered. 

"Listen, I love Toni, but she doesn't always know what is best for you.  Her heart is in a good place, but she has her own demons too.  You tried to keep up with her love 'em and leave 'em ways once.  It nearly broke you.  It's going to break her.  Just be careful please," Kate advised.  "Ugh, I guess I better go get ready.  I have drunken college boys to fend off," I complained.  "Have fun with that," she said and we hung up.

Soon after the party was in full swing I saw
the sorority girls Toni told me about over the phone. I saw Nick and Jeremy, but I didn't recognize another person.  Toni's attention was occupied with her guests, and I decided getting some air might help. I snuck out onto the front porch.  Unfortunately, a very drunk and very large guy followed me out. 

“Hey sugar, I noticed you earlier when you were dancing.  You really got me worked up,” he slurred blowing his beer breath across my face.  “It wasn’t my intention, believe me,” I replied through my teeth. 
I tried to back away, but I was pinned in by the house and the railing.  Toni had the music up loud. I could scream my head off and no one would hear me.  I was really starting to get scared, and for the first time I was starting to believe my mom was right.  I wasn’t better, and I couldn't handle the real world.  I felt sweat bead up by my hairline.  I was on the verge of a major panic attack.

“Get the fuck away from her before I knock your face in,” Aiden growled rounding the corner.  “Sorry dude, I didn’t know.  She was inside alone.  I though she was fair game.  No offense really,” the douche muttered as he stumbled away from the cabin. 

“Thank you,” I said, my voice quivering.  He rushed over to me and looked like he was afraid I was going to freak out.  He rubbed my arms up and down, not in a sexual way, but a gesture of comfort.  I found it very sweet, and oddly I didn’t flinch.  I always told people who tried to get close to me that I was just not a touchy-feely kind of person, but the truth was I
hated
being touched.

“You don’t seem to have any idea of the effect you have on men.  I watched you dance too.  I think everyone in there with a dick checked you out at some point.  Not that he has any excuse to push himself on you like that.  And he would have and more if I hadn’t come outside just then.  Some guys are turned on by the whole innocent virgin thing.  They see it as a challenge or some shit.”

My mouth just fell open.  First the guy I like takes off because I’m a virgin and now this guy is implying my virginity is so obvious I almost got attacked because of it.  He seemed not to realize how pissed off I was getting and kept talking. “Now I don’t really get off being a girl’s first.  It puts too much pressure on something that can be awkward enough.  I really don’t want to hurt a girl either.  I think it would be a complete turn-off.  I wasn’t even my girl friend’s first and we’ve been together for seven years.”

Too much pressure, a turn-off, girlfriend
.  I think I hate men, and I wasn’t their biggest cheerleader before he started talking.  Why wasn’t I born a lesbian?  Damn men and their wide shoulders and hard stomachs.  Maybe I should add Alanis Morissette to my iPod too.  But shots of tequila were calling my name.  My old coping mechanism might be self-destructive, but it did help me cope with the rising rage that was choking me.  I forced myself to turn my attention back to Aiden. 

It’s too bad he is really good looking.  Like possibly the hottest guy I have ever laid eyes on.  Totally not my normal type either
, too masculine.  His dark blonde hair had streaks lightened by the sun. His eyes were the darkest most hypnotic blue I'd ever seen. 

I had to crane my neck to look into those midnight eyes.  Sure, I'm a little short at five-four, but it wouldn't have mattered because he is a few inches over six feet.
  He wore a fitted black t-shirt, that rippled over what I would assume is a very nice six-pack. I forced my eyes away from their perusal, before I did something humiliating like drool.

“Thanks for the warning.  I’m going to go back to the party.” I turn
ed to walk away and he grabbed my elbow.  “Are you going to be ok?” he asked genuinely concerned.  “Yeah, sure.  Nothing tequila won’t fix.  See ya around.”  I barged through the door without bothering to look back.

I
saw Toni dancing with Jeremy.  I’m pretty sure after spending the afternoon with him he is gay, but he is hot as hell and a fantastic dancer.  Maybe I can take a turn when she is done.  It isn’t like I’m going to drag the guy upstairs and have my way with him.  I laughed a little hysterically before I reigned myself back in.

Nick
came around behind me and draped an arm across my shoulders.  Without saying a word he tilted my head to the side and slowly licked the side of my neck.  I felt something sprinkling onto my skin, and then he licked me again.  He downed a shot of tequila and shoved a lime wedge into his mouth.  I should be grossed out.  Believe me I’m working up to it, but Nick has this confidence and swagger that flipped a switch in my head.

I've missed this.  Losing myself in action.  Finding closeness without actual intimacy.  The emotional pain and physical pleasure push away all other feelings.  It's oblivion and I love it. If he wasn’t hooking up with my best friend for the last week I wouldn’t even be trying to be grossed out.

“Make her do one,” Toni demanded
.  She saw what he did and she isn’t pissed.  I cocked my eyebrow at her examining her expression, and she smirked at me.  “Coming right up,” Nick agreed.  I’ve had a few beers already.  Enough that some guy licking me doesn't seem offensive, but not so much that I felt that meat head on the porch was entitled to anything.  Maybe I’m just pissed off and feeling the urge to tear apart my carefully lived boring life a bit. 

Toni leaned
toward my ear, swaying a lot.  “It isn’t serious with Nick and I.  I talked to Miguel today, so…” she whispered really loud.  Ah, Miguel her on again off again first love, her first everything.  And, if they are on-again, she wants me to fix this Nick mess by distracting him. 

Even in her inebriated state she still
had the scary ability to read my mind, “He says he wants to try again.  I don’t want him coming here and getting jealous about a non-existent thing with Nick.  Look Becca you need a distraction, and I saw you checking out Aiden. But, Nick says Aiden has a really serious girlfriend.  He also says she is a bitch who is screwing every guy at NYU, but if he is going to stay with her he is not available.  Have some fun tonight, and please keep Nick off me.”

As if on cue,
Nick returned with a shot glass filled with tequila.  The burn was followed by sweet numbness.  I'm not sure why Toni was encouraging me to return to my former ways.  Maybe she was right.  Maybe I'd gone too far the other way.  In that case, why the hell not?