Authors: Kathleen Janz-Anderson
“
You mean space is the only thing that can’t end becaaause... it’s impossible to change? Like God?”
“
That’s how I see it, anyway.”
Maria stopped again and looked up into the sky. “It makes sense to me too.” She smiled and skipped up ahead with the tail of the play horse scraping along the sidewalk. “Maybe that’s why space is so big, to make room enough for God.”
Emily laughed. “That never occurred to me, but I think you might have something there.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
A bond began to grow between Emily and the children, and she found herself caring about them more each day. The problem was that Maria and Nathan still fought like cats and dogs between themselves. It got so bad a couple of times, she was tempted to pack up and leave.
After reading through a number of books on child behavior and discipline, it became apparent to her that Nathan was trying to get his sister’s attention, to get a reaction from her. Part of it was boredom, a need to express himself, and to release pent up emotions. Boys, she realized, were naturally more aggressive. She wondered if it was because men were the ones who usually went out and fought the wars. That confused her too because she had a difficult time understanding wars in the first place. Well... unless it was to battle against evil? Yes, there had to be something in that.
No matter how many unanswered questions were left to think on, her research taught her so much more than she expected. It opened her mind to many possibilities, and broadened her curiosity, even to the point where she became interested in the ways and whys of the men back home. She wondered what she could say to Maria and Nathan that would give them the best possible outlook on life. To help them see the importance of making the right choices. If only she’d had someone to teach her these things as she stepped into her teens, maybe, just maybe she… Well, what sense did it make to wish for what might’ve been? No wishing or dreaming would change what was.
She finally decided to confront the children straight out about their battles. She told Maria, when Nathan teased or pulled a prank on her, she should ignore him, and not give him the satisfaction of fighting back.
Whether it was the full moon or just a stubborn streak, her talk did little good, and so she threatened, pleaded, and bribed. Then everything went well for a while until something stirred things up again, and the fight was on.
It all came to a head one morning when Nathan put salt into the sugar bowl. Maria took a bite of her cereal and put up such a fuss that Nathan, by the glint in his eyes, considered his prank well worth the punch he received from Maria, and the ear-pulling he got from Pearl. Of course, Pearl laid into Emily before it was over, so after breakfast she took them outside.
“Nathan, why’d you do such a
childish
thing? Aren’t you ever gonna learn?”
“I don’t know,” he said, giving her one of those sheepish yet sweet little grins he mastered so well.
She felt like swatting him a good one. But she kept one hand in a pocket, and a mere finger pointed at him. “As far as I’m concerned, young man, you ask for every punch your sister gives you.” She touched his ear that was still red from the yank Pearl gave it.
Then she turned to Maria. “I told you before he does this just to annoy you. Stop reacting, will you?”
She glowered down at them, searching for a something that would rid the two of whatever ailed them. “We’re going to the library,” she said out of the blue. “Yes, us three... Now!” she added when they turned up their noses.
Once in the library, she was surprised at how fast they stumbled upon books they wanted and promptly found spots where they sat and read. She kept watching them, searching for books of her own, realizing she had accidentally discovered something important. She just had to figure out entirely what that was.
Every day it seemed she was learning more about them, and herself too. She wandered into deep thought at times, testing her outlook on life; like the idea that we all come with a purpose to fulfill. Could it be that everything she endured was so that she would end up here with the children? Or was that merely justification, making sense out of chaos? Yet, the thought it might be true was so electrifying it made her shiver with delight, as if somewhere in time she had chosen to give herself up to self-sacrifice.
* * * *
One afternoon, she found Maria sitting on the front step, looking anxiously up the road.
“
Hey, what’re you up to?”
“
Just watching for the mailman.”
“
So you’re expecting a letter, huh?” Emily said, sitting next to her.
Maria nodded, reached over, and plucked a leaf from one of the plants that lined the house. “I’m not supposed to tell,” she said, picking the leaf apart then tossing it aside. She brushed off her skirt then looked up at Emily. “Promise you won’t say anything?”
“
No... of course I won’t.”
Maria’s eyes began to sparkle. “I’ve got a pen pal.”
“
Oh, really.”
“
Yep, and her name’s Elsie. Starting this week, she’s sending me a letter the second Monday of each month so I’ll know when to expect them.”
Emily thought this was the best thing for her. She was tempted to ask who had arranged it all, but decided it was better to wait. “I’m really happy for you, Maria.”
As they talked, the limo drove into the yard, past the house and around the corner to the garages. Donald took the side entrance to his private quarters most of the time, although today he came around to the front as the mailman pulled up to the house.
He took the mail, shuffling through the envelopes as Maria watched in an obvious state of misery. His eyelashes flickered for an instant, and then he tucked the letters under an arm and came up the steps. “Don’t you girls have something better to do?”
He didn’t wait for a response but continued up the steps and disappeared inside. Emily noticed tears streaming down Maria’s cheeks. She put an arm around her. “I’m sorry.”
But Maria pulled away and ran off around the house.
Emily wished there was something she could do. She couldn’t understand why her father didn’t see nor care that she was still in pain over losing her mother.
Sometime ago, she remembered reading, or maybe it was hearing the phrase,
once in a rut always in a rut
. Now, finally, looking in from the outside, she understood what that meant. Her misfortunes followed her up the dirt road away from the farm to this very moment. And although there had been some unpleasant days since she left, but no worse than the few hours before, no matter what brought her to this moment, she knew that being with the children gave her a purpose in life, and that somehow she was going to find a way to make this up to Maria.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Bud, Donald Schillings’ uncle from Florida, showed up early one morning and took the children on a trip down the coast. They had been so anxious to see their great Uncle that Emily was disappointed she missed him.
Then five nights later, she was in the library when he walked in.
“
Why, hello,” he said. “You must be Emily.” He sailed across the room and she stood as he took her hand. “I’m very pleased to meet you.”
“
You too. So you’re the Uncle Bud the children couldn’t wait to see.”
“
I am, and I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to meet you the other morning. But I came in late, and we had an early breakfast reservation up the road.”
“
That’s what I heard.” She wondered if this was the uncle Donald mentioned at the restaurant. She didn’t think this one looked exactly ready to keel over just yet. “Are the children coming in?” she asked looking past him.
“
I just tucked them in. They had a long day.”
“
So how was it? Fun, I hope.”
“
Oh yeah,” he said.
She stepped back and sat.
He took the couch across from her. “We always have a great time.”
“
They sure were excited to see you.”
“
Well, the feeling was mutual. They talked about you.”
“
Nothing bad I hope.”
He laughed. “No. They’re very fond of you.”
“
I feel the same way about them.”
“
Maria confessed you were the first nanny they didn’t try to get rid of in hopes they’d be able to come live with me.”
“
Those little rascals,” she said, chuckling. “I have to admit they have their moments. But I try to keep in mind that they’ve been through some difficult times.”
“
That’s very thoughtful of you. And honestly, I think you’re doing something right.” He considered for a moment, seeming to weigh her words. “You know, Emily, I hate to bother you about this. Actually, I’d almost decided not to bring it up, but…” He took a breath and straightened his shoulders. “You see... sometimes my nephew doesn’t use his scruples like he should.”
Emily raised her eyebrows.
“
You’re not surprised, I see.”
“
No… I can’t say I am.”
“
Well, I’ll give him credit for one thing, and that’s for hiring you.” Uncle Bud stopped to think on what he might say, and then leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. “I’d like to ask you a favor, if I could?”
“
Uhm... sure.”
“
I’d like you to… well, if anything happens to me, I’d like you make sure the children are safe and taken care of.”
“
Of course. Of course I will. But... can you tell me why? I mean, I’m... just the nanny.”
Bud straightened again and folded his hands on his lap. His shoulders tensed, and then fell. “You see, Emily, I’ve been very concerned about them. And maybe it’s part instinct that’s pushing me to tell you this, but I have a good feeling about you. Now don’t get me wrong. I love Donald, and I hate to say this about my own nephew, really I do, but I’m not so sure he has his priorities straight. He’s gotten himself into trouble in the past, you know, but then, somehow he gets himself out of it. He’s charming when he needs to be, and cold as a cucumber when it suits him. I think it’s his need for control over his life. Sort of like, well… if someone’s in the middle of a lake without a paddle, if the boat starts to spring leaks, that person will use whatever’s available to patch up the holes. It’s a mechanism he developed early on, I think.”
Uncle Bud stopped and looked at her, lifting a brow as if to question whether he should continue or not.
“
Go on. Really, Bud. I want to hear.”
Relief on his face, he sat back, brushing a hand through his thinning gray hair. “You see, his father left when he was eleven, and then his mother, that was my sister Eleanor, died a year and a half later. There were no brothers or sisters, so all he had was Sarah, my late wife and me. We brought him up from Texas.”
The old man caught a good breath, seeming pained by the memories. “We tried our best. Though I’ll admit we were busy, probably too busy. It’s always been that way, a chosen lifestyle, and part of the reason we didn’t have children of our own. And yet we took full responsibility for Donald when he came to live with us.” He nodded toward the bookcase. “We even searched for help from the experts. Thanks to my wife for this collection. She was an avid reader and scholar – a teacher, in fact.” He sat for a moment and gazed up at the books.
“
I read through a number of those myself,” she said. “You know, for the children?”
He shifted back to her. “Oh, now that’s nice to hear.”
“
I’m still reading, but so far I think it’s done some good. It’s really too bad about Donald, though, about his parents and all.”
Uncle Bud shook his head, the tension in his jaw line pinching the corners of his mouth. “It was a heartbreak from the start, and I think there lies the challenge. Donald wouldn’t talk about it, not a word. We even solicited help from several doctors. But his mind was set. I believe his father had a lot to do with his outlook on life. But most likely it was the clan he hung out with, always older than him, that did the rest of the damage. He would hitch a ride to San Francisco and we wouldn’t see him for a week at a time. Anyway, like I said, he’s been in some trouble in the past. And since his wife died... well, Frankly, I’ve been worried sick. I’ve offered to take the children in several times, but he won’t hear of it. I’m in Florida now, you know, got a number of businesses that keep me busy, but I’d find a way if he’d let me.”
Emily was stunned that Donald hadn’t taken him up on his offer. “If it makes you feel any better, I’ll always be here for them.” She wondered what Bud would think if he knew her background. She felt like a fraud.
“
I’m certainly happy for that, relieved too, mighty relieved.”
“
I’ll do my best.”
“
Well, young lady, I wish we had more time to talk,” he said, standing, “but I need to catch an early flight, so I think I’ll turn in for the night.”
Emily stood, looking up at the tall elderly man, wishing she could confide in him, ask him to take them all away.
He took her hand with both of his. “I try to come out at least twice a year. So I guess I’ll see you on my next trip.”
After Uncle Bud left, she took her conversation with him to heart, although she felt inadequate and guilty too, because if he knew about her shameful past, he wouldn’t have left so contented.
For the next couple of weeks, she made a point of ignoring the bottle of brandy in her nightstand. She didn’t comprehend the temptation, only the need.
She did her best to give the children the attention they needed. Their squabbles had been happening less frequently since Uncle Bud’s visit. But then one day Nathan decided to throw two water-filled balloons off the balcony just as Maria passed below.
Maria stomped up the stairs soaking wet, declaring revenge on her brother. While she was in changing, Nathan went into hiding. When his sister came storming back out and couldn’t find him, she went into his room and gathered up his chess game, all of his football cards, a puzzle he’d been working on, and threw everything over the balcony.
Later, when Otto came up the hallway and saw Emily helping the children clean up the mess, she felt embarrassed, almost like she had thrown everything over the balcony herself. She tried to explain to him, but it sounded weak, and just plain didn’t come out right.
All that afternoon and into the evening she thought about the brandy waiting upstairs for her. Finally, the children were in bed and she headed to her room, thinking that the bottle of happiness had waited long enough.
She started with a quick shot, then another, and finally took the bottle to the table and made herself comfortable. Just when she was really feeling good, the bottle turned up empty.
Now how’d that happen so fast?
She tipped the bottle for every last drop then placed it in the garbage.
Feeling disappointed because she wanted to get much happier, she remembered the first night she arrived and the cabinet where Donald kept his liquor.
She was out the door and down to the formal dining room without a thought.
There were seven bottles of brandy. She grabbed the one that was half-empty, a glass, some mix, and then went to the table and boldly took a seat at the end where her employer usually sat.
By the time she finished the first glass, she was feeling near as good as she had ever felt. She went over to the record player, put on some music and began to dance. This went on for some time. Then right in the middle of a turn, she almost lost her balance. She felt a little dizzy.
She went back to the table and poured another glass, took a drink, and waited for that
thing
to come back, that new self that wasn’t new any longer but probably just a messed up version. It seemed that the warm and carefree feeling she had discovered along with the drink was gone for good. In fact, she was having a hard time keeping upright.
Once she admitted she’d had too much, she slowly and very carefully put everything away, and then headed back up to her room.
The steps seemed steeper and longer. She was beginning to feel as if the drink might come back up. When she reached the top, Maria was peeking out of her room.
“
Where’ve you been?” Maria said, hurrying over. She glowered up at Emily and sniffed. “You’ve been drinking, haven’t you? Are you even old enough?”
Emily didn’t like her tone and that accusing look on her little face.
“
In fact, I was.” She stooped and looked into Maria’s eyes. “And what’s it to you if I have a lillel drink. You and Nathan runnin’ round fightin’ like a bunch of Com-anshee. What do you espek me to do... take it? Weell, nomore.”
She pulled herself up when she saw the horror on Maria’s face.
The little girl ran off to her bedroom, and Emily stared after her, hating herself for what she’d just done. She realized that right now, she wasn’t any better than the men back home. She longed to follow Maria, but her stomach began to churn and she rushed into her room and to the bathroom just in time to throw up some of that miserable drink. After she washed her face with cold water, brushed her teeth, and took in some long breaths at the window, she went to Maria’s room and knocked on the door.
“
Come in.”
Maria was in bed with her dolls piled around her.
Emily stepped in and leaned up against the wall. “I just wanna tell you that I’m sorry, and... and, I’m not gonna drink no more.” She felt herself wobble and grabbed the doorknob.
“
Promise?”
“
Promise.”
“
Emily?”
“
Mm?”
“
How come people drink when it makes them sick?”
“
Maybe ’cause it makes ’em feel good. Makes ’em forget how mis-rable they are.”
“
And how do you feel now?”
“
Mis...”
Maria smiled.
“
Ookay, your point is made. See ya... smarty pants.”