Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (4 page)

The Mud Shark

Nature’s Dildo

If tuna is the chicken of the sea, the vibrator of the sea is none other than the mud shark. Between its dorsal spines, slippery skin, and legendary patience,
Squalus acanthias
is perfectly suited for pleasuring a female human. But it was a young rock band by the name of Led Zeppelin that secured the mud shark’s place in the pantheon of sexy animals.

The mud shark accounts for the high mercury content in early heavy metal

The Legend

On July 28,1969, Led Zeppelin and their road manager, Richard Cole, were staying at the Edgewater Inn following a performance at the Seattle Pop Festival. The hotel, located on a pier overlooking Puget Sound, encouraged guests to “fish from their rooms,” presumably an attempt to compensate for the worst room service in the greater Seattle area. Avid fishermen, the band mates cast a few lines out of their Windows, and soon their luxury suite was knee-deep in salmon, cod, pollock, and an active WWII mine John Paul Jones had wrestled to the surface thinking it was a giant puffer fish.

Suddenly, there was a flirtatious knock on the door. Behind it stood a strikingly gorgeous Seattle-area groupie with red hair, attracted by the smell of halibut and British Sterling.

Exactly what happened next has been lost to history, but theories include: • Finding themselves in a room full of marine life and a willing Zeppelinette, the band naturally took turns pleasuring her with different species of fish. But from the first moment John Bonham touched a mud shark to the groupie’s snatch, it was obvious to everyone in the room that the slippery brown predator and female genitalia were meant to be together. In the span of half an hour, the groupie was rocked by dozens of the most satisfying, soul-shaking orgasms she had ever experienced. Word got out, and the mud shark quickly became popular with shutins and lesbian fisher women.

• The star struck fan found herself at the center of a genuine rock ‘n’ roll orgy, but it was a far cry from the “stairway to heaven” she had long dreamed about. After twenty minutes, the band and their manager were deep in post coital slumber, leaving it to the turned-on groupie to finish herself off. She grabbed a mud shark off the floor, and nine months later gave birth to a beautiful mermaid baby, who would go on to be-come the bassist for Slipknot.

• In a fit of ecstasy the groupie accidentally pulled off John Bonham’s mask revealing he was a secret mud shark. The rest of the band pleaded with the girl not to tell anybody, especially given that good drummers were hard to come by. The groupie agreed, on the condition that she be allowed to tell the “Led Zeppelin fucked me with a mud shark” part of the story. The band had no problem with that rumor getting out, since it would boost their cred in both the rock ‘n’ roll and fishing communities.

Whatever happened, the mud shark’s destiny was forever changed. Today, the unassuming fish is worth its weight in gold, and many mud sharks find themselves living a life of erotic luxury of which they never dreamed. If dog is man’s best friend, then surely woman’s is the mud shark.

Our Life with the Bonobos

Only one other creature rivals humans in horniness: the bonobo ape. And in that contest the bonobo takes the cake. Then it fucks the cake. Then it eats the cake while it fucks another bonobo, also eating the cake. Then several other bonobos join in, all of them eating and/or fucking cake.

While that may sound depraved even by monkey standards, the emphasis on sex in bonobo culture actually serves a sophisticated purpose: it defuses conflict. This is something we learned first-hand when we spent three months living among the bonobos, studying them, photo graphing them, and being sexually intimidated by them.

FUCKTOID

Before it went extinct, the
STD carrier pigeon
had a great time.

For a non migratory bird, the STD carrier pigeon really got around.

CHAPTER 2

The History of Sex

Cock of Ages

Sexual intercourse has not only produced the generations of humans responsible for making history it’s been the driving force behind it. The Trojan War? Fought over a sexy lady. The Church of England’s schism with Roman Catholicism? Henry VIII’s answer to a cock-blocking pope. The discovery of penicillin? The result of Alexander Fleming’s unrelenting quest to cure his game-killing gonorrhea (both of which he stumbled upon by accident). Given the prevalence of sex throughout the course of civilization, it’s a wonder the pages of history aren’t stuck together.

Even before she was whisked away to Troy, Helen was making oral history.

We know what you’re thinking:
I thought this was supposed to be a SEX book. Why are they wasting valuable pages talking about a bunch of dead people?
Well, two reasons. First, as people who lived through the Black Death learned, the dead can be very sexy, especially when all the living ones are terrified of human contact. And second, even though sex has only gotten better with time, we still have much to learn from the past. To put it another way:
you don’t know where penises are going until you know where penises have been.
So, where
have
they been? The answer, much like an unexpectedly placed penis, may surprise you.