Authors: Kristen Schaal

Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (6 page)

DARK AGES

1355: Necrophilia invented; dating scene flourishes.

INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION

1801: Rampant child labor gives parents some alone time, especially after death of child.

1908: Assembly line’s emphasis on fitting pieces together as fast as possible leads to invention of the quickie.

RENAISSANCE

1474: Lorenzo de Medici becomes first and last man to get laid at a Renaissance fair.

1485: Secretly gay Leonardo da Vinci envisions ways to trap men in giant circles.

GREAT DEPRESSION

1930: Tough economic times turn vaginas into dust bowls.

1934: Bonnie and Clyde make love invault, accidentally inventing the sperm bank.

WORLD WAR II

1942: Rosie the Riveter encourages women to help war effort by becoming lesbians.

1945: After witnessing/horrors of war, sexual harassment no big deal.

THE 1980S (AKA THE AIDSTIES)

1981: Snorting cocaine off boners invented.

1987: Victims of AIDS honored with quilt impossible to decorate a room around.

SEXUAL REVOLUTION

1960: Birth control becomes first form of control granted to women.

1961: Term “slut” coined for women exercising their control.

THE GOLDEN AGE OF SEX

1998: As a favor to women everywhere, Viagra instantly covered by insurance companies (birth control not so much).

2008: Having exhausted all other sexual fetishes, people decide vampires are sexy.

A Series of Tubes:

Female Anatomy through History

In olden times women were forbidden from exploring their bodies. Those hands were better used for making sandwiches, giving hand jobs, or if the woman was especially talented, doing both at the same time. Uncharted and untamed, the feminine wilderness became the stuff of legend, leading to wild speculation about what exactly was up there.