Shadowed (15 page)

Nick nodded and sat on the edge of the bed as she continued to unpack. “What's her
background, Kayles? She said she had a rocky past.”

“She won't tell me much. But from what I gather, her mom left when she was a kid.
She was the only child of an Army soldier who
knew how to drink but not how to raise
a kid. They moved around a lot, and she got pushed off onto whatever family would
take her when he deployed.”

Nick studied her. “So now she's anti-government, anti-military, and anti-people.
That explains why she went for sea animals and marine biology.”

Kaylan offered a small smile. “She takes care of them, and they love her.” She met
Nick's eyes. “I think that's why she has a hard time with you and Micah and with
me dating you. Deep down I think she sees a situation like her parents. And I think
she seeks affirmation in these guys she dates, but she doesn't expect them to stay
long, because she never experienced depth or longevity in relationships growing
up.”

She sank down on the bed next to him. “It just breaks my heart because I want so
much better for her. And I want her to know what it feels like to be treasured by
a guy, not for what she does but who she is.” Her face heated. She reluctantly met
those piercing blue eyes she loved so much. “Like how you treat me.”

Nick smiled—the one he reserved just for her—and the warmth wrapped around her heart.
“You make it easy, Kayles. Most of the time.” He kissed her forehead.

“Nick, I'm serious. Did Micah ever tell you about Caleb?”

His jaw twitched and she knew. “Micah wasn't too impressed with that guy.”

“Neither was the rest of my family.” Her mind drifted back to her junior year of
college when she'd met Caleb. She'd been like Megan once upon a time. Not in the
extreme sense, but she'd once settled for a guy that controlled rather than treasured
her. An engineer and student body president, Caleb could charm his way into any and
every setting. Brilliant and handsome, he'd pursued Kaylan with an interest she couldn't
ignore.

They'd dated for a few months before she began to notice his manipulation and his
passive-aggressive tendencies. Because of
his accolades and stellar reputation, she
blew off the indications, thinking her radar had malfunctioned. Inside she was suffocating.
He got angry when she spent time with Sarah Beth and refused to call or text her
back the next day. Any time she had a family event, he insisted on being present.
After six months of dating and his insistence that it was time to talk to her dad,
Kaylan finally got the guts to call it off.

“I get a small piece of how she's feeling, Nick. But I wish she could see that she
is worth far more than how these guys treat her. I wish she knew that she is made
in the image of the God of the universe.”

“She's got to figure that out for herself, Kayles. Pray and keep pointing her to
Jesus. He loves her more than you do.”

Nick pulled her into a hug, and she thanked God for the safety and blessing of a
man who loved her enough to let her be exactly who God had made her. Maybe one day
she would have enough courage to be fully herself. Slowly but surely she crept closer
to that reality.

Chapter 18

N
ICK LOVED HAVING
Kaylan in California. Despite the threat of Janus, the weekend
stretched before them, and Nick planned to enjoy it with one beautiful woman. With
Micah's help he'd thrown together an impromptu team night at the beach. Jay arrived
with Logan's kids. Still no word on his leg, but it didn't look good. Yet one more
loss he would add to Janus's tab. She continued to rack up quite a list.

“Uncle Nick!” Molly skipped up and flew into his arms. She was the child of a SEAL,
all right, fearless and trusting of their community. She knew he would never let
her fall. He gave her a hug as he watched her brothers run down the beach to play
a game of catch with Jay and Titus.

“Hey, ladybug. What's going on?”

“I brought my board and my wet suit. Will you get in the water with me?”

Nick studied the sky. They still had a couple hours of daylight left before the sun
dipped below the Pacific Ocean and ushered in the night watch. Nick looked to Kaylan.

“I haven't learned either.” She shrugged. “I think it's about time I did.”

Molly rolled her eyes. “Miss Kaylan, I am not on the baby level
anymore. I can teach
you how, no problem.” She squirmed from Nick's arms, her attitude in full effect.
“Race ya!”

She took off to Jay's car to slip her wet suit on over her swim suit. Nick nodded
at Kaylan to do the same. “We can't let her beat us.” He took off like a shot to
his Jeep, his competitive nature refusing to back down even to the four-year-old
that had captured his heart.

Within twenty minutes they stood in the surf, Molly walking out as far as her little
legs would take her then fighting the waves as she climbed on her board. What would
happen if Logan lost his leg? He might never be able to teach Molly to surf. A muscle
in his jaw twitched. Heat flooded his face.

What if something happened to him someday? What if he could never stand and hold
Kaylan again? What if some teenager with something to prove set a roadside bomb,
and Nick returned less than whole or in a flag-covered box?

He shook his head. He couldn't play the “what-if ” game. The reality remained that
he would rush into a situation to fight with his brothers and for his country any
day of the week. But he couldn't control the consequences—win or lose.

He held the board while Molly practiced paddling, the waves cooling him as the sun
slowly arched closer to the horizon, the sky turning shades of gold and orange. Kaylan
sat on the beach talking to Liza, Titus's wife, sidetracked on the way to change
into her suit. Nick looked at the little girl in front of him as she giggled, blissfully
unaware that her daddy's life may have changed forever.

At times he wondered why God didn't stop the evil in the world. He'd wrestled with
his inability to fix Kaylan's hurt after the earthquake. She'd wrestled with the
goodness of God. The more time that passed, the more stories from Haiti filtered
to both of them about people coming to Christ despite and because of the awful circumstances,
of people finding more strength than they knew existed to help each other. They heard
stories of changed lives. It helped him better understand the goodness of a sovereign
God
who saw the big picture when Nick didn't. But evil men who killed others? Nick
wondered why the Lord didn't just wipe them out.

Where did justice fit into all this? And how did Nick reconcile the fact that he
killed people for a living? How was it possible for God to be just and merciful
in equal measure, and if that was God's character, what would that look like in Nick's
career? In all honesty, there were moments in combat when he didn't think twice about
pulling the trigger. Training and the intense urge to protect his home, his family,
and his team overrode any sense of hesitation under gunfire. He didn't want to take
a life, prayed he wouldn't have to. But he refused to back down when the situation
called for it.

It was a weight he would always carry, always wonder about. What made him different
from these men he wanted God to take care of? They fought a war of belief and philosophy,
not one of compromise. It was as the Bible said; he didn't make war against flesh
and blood but against mentalities and influences much deeper than anything human.

“Uncle Nick, let me try. Let me go.” Water splashed his face as Molly kicked, snapping
him out of his reverie.

“I don't know, ladybug. Maybe next time.”

She stopped paddling and gazed up at him with her pale green eyes. In that moment
he knew he would have trouble if he and Kaylan ever had a little girl. Molly knew
how to shoot an arrow straight to his heart.

“Uncle Nick, please?”

He groaned and gazed out at the waves rolling in. These were baby waves, ones that
she could just ride into the beach if she even managed to stand up like they'd been
practicing. He took a deep breath.

“All right, ladybug. You can give it a try.”

“Woohoo!” Molly took off paddling. He knew she wouldn't go
out far. He slowly moved
her direction, prepared to bail her out if necessary. He heard Kaylan cheer her on
from the beach.

He breathed in the sea air and immediately felt his body relax. No stronger drug
existed for Nick that could rival the tug of the sea. His mom used to say that he
was born with fins and gills and that's why they couldn't find his birth parents.
They lived under the ocean. For a while that answer satisfied him. He felt more at
home in the surf than with his feet firmly planted on land. Now, he wanted to know
who his birth parents were, even more so since that letter arrived with his birth
name on the envelope.

Molly turned back toward him and started paddling with her little arms. She pushed
up from her board and slowly managed to stand on wobbly sea legs before tumbling
into the water. With quick strokes, he swam in her direction, ready to let her cling
to him when her head crested the waves. She came up sputtering, her little eyes blinking
furiously to dispel the water. He tugged her board to her, and she clung to it as
she wiped water from her face.

“Uncle Nick, did you see me? I stood up! That was one mean wave.” Her jaw rattled
from the cold but her grin melted the chill away.

Nick chuckled, leaning on the other side of the board, his toes barely scraping the
sandy ground beneath their floating bodies.

“Check you out. You'll be a pro in no time.”

“Yeah. I'm going to learn to surf to pay for things.” She shook her head, and her
smile drooped. “I don't want to do what Daddy does. I want to wrestle waves, not
people.”

Nick bobbed with her board. “I think your mommy and daddy will love whoever you decide
to be.”

“Even if I don't fight bad guys?” Her big eyes nearly broke his heart.

“Molly, why do you think you need to fight bad guys?”

“Because my daddy does. Because he's a hero and takes care of
people.” Her bottom
lip protruded in a pout, and he wished he could ease her confusion and hurt.

Nick reached across the small board and stroked her arm. “Molly, your daddy and I
decided we wanted to fight bad guys to protect you and people we love. But that doesn't
mean everyone has to do that. If everyone fought bad guys, who would win surfing
competitions or stay home and take care of things?” He tapped her nose and smiled.

“Zactly. Plus, I don't want to get hurt.”

There it was, Molly's fear lurking right below the surface. Nick squeezed her hand.
“Baby girl, you might get hurt surfing one of these days, or riding your bike, or
playing with your brothers.” “Or my new baby sister.”

Nick smiled, praying Molly got her wish. “Or your baby sister. But Molly, we can't
live afraid to get hurt.”

“Oh, I know that, Uncle Nick. I live with two boys. They hurt me sometimes when we
play.”

Nick nodded in agreement. “I bet they do. But know what? You'll be tougher for it.
Things happen in life that hurt, Molly.”

“Like what happened to my daddy?”

“Yes. But those bad things often help us become better people. You understand?”

She tapped his nose like he did to her all the time and giggled. “Sorta. One more
time?” She breezed past the serious moment, ready to play. He wished he could refocus
that quickly. Oh, to be a kid again without a care in the world. He prayed she never
lost her innocence.

Nick helped Molly climb back on her board and then treaded water as she fell into
the waves one more time. How did you explain the idea of pain to a four-year-old?
Kids understood the physical ache but couldn't always identify the sentiment that
ran much deeper. He wished he could wrap Molly in a bubble and
keep her far from
a broken heart or the decision that might be coming for Logan.

But all he could do was coach her through the waves and pray her through the ache.
One day she would see that pain only polished a person, as the waves polished the
sand on the beach, washing away the messy bits to reveal the treasures hidden beneath.

Shadows lurked just outside the fire line as the group sat roasting marshmallows
on the beach. Nick cringed when his phone buzzed in his short's pocket. Lately every
time it rang there seemed to be bad news. Kim's name illuminated the screen. He closed
his eyes and answered the call.

“Nick.” Her voice broke. Nick stepped away from the laughter of kids and smoke of
the camp fire to see the starry night.