Shadows of St. Louis (12 page)

Clarence

As she crossed Market Street, Emma Lynn noticed a dark figure staring at her. She quickened her pace and made a left at State Street. The figure did as well. After the next corner, she ran through an alley in order to lose him. But when she came out on the other side, he was already there.

She fell into him and he grabbed her shoulders. She started to scream, but he placed a hand over her mouth.

"Don't be alarmed. I am a friend," he said.

Emma Lynn was still alarmed. She didn't have any friends. Her only friends her entire life had been Rebecca Jane and Charles. Yet, she didn't know whether she could think of them that way anymore. They weren't her friends, they were her lying family.

"If I let you go, will you scream?" he asked.

Emma Lynn nodded furiously.

"Well then I'm not going to let you go."

They stood on the street corner for several seconds. The man kept one hand on her mouth and the other across her chest pressing her against him. She couldn't move.

Finally, he said, "We could stay like this all night, but I think we both might get a little tired."

In response, Emma Lynn tried to bite his hand.

"Emma Lynn, I'm telling the truth. I am a friend."

She mumbled something into his hand, which he was not able to understand. "I can't understand you. I'm going to let you go. Do you promise not to scream?"

After she nodded her consent, he slowly released her. Emma Lynn took a step away and said, "How do you know my name?"

When he smiled, she instantly knew he was telling the truth. He was a friend. His smile said it all. It was warm, inviting, honest, and joyous all at the same time.  "I know because Rebecca Jane told me you look just like her," he answered. "I didn't realize how much until I saw you tonight."

"You know my … " she started to say boss and then she thought about saying sister, but neither of those sounded right. So instead she said, "You know Rebecca Jane?"

He chuckled a little. "I know Jane better than she knows herself." He extended his hand and said, "I'm Clarence."

"Nice to meet you," she said, shaking his hand.

Clarence leaned against the wall of the brick building and put his hands in his pocket as he studied Emma Lynn. Then he added, "I also know Charles pretty well ... and his son. Little Jesse lives in my house. My sister Cecilia takes care of him."

"Oh." The word came out as a combination of a gasp of surprise and relief. She was somehow relieved that someone else knew. But at the same time, she was appalled that her siblings had told a stranger before they had told her. "So you know the truth then, too? You know that they're Negro just like us and that they
lied
to me my entire life. I'm sure you all just had a good laugh at my expense."

"Nothing of the sort,
Emmie
."

"Don't call me that. No one calls me that except ...
" Except
Charles. Charles was the only one that called her
Emmie
. Now it pained her to hear that nickname.

"Emma Lynn, your brother and sister are not happy with the way things turned out. They love you."

Scenes from the past sixteen years of her life flashed through her mind. The countless gifts they had given her, the parties, the support and attention. That kind of love couldn't be faked. It couldn't be bought or sold. It wasn't compulsory. Rebecca Jane and Charles had treated her as a part of the family for her entire life. There was no way now she could suddenly claim that they didn't love her. She'd felt the proof of their love in her heart. But she couldn't reconcile that love with their lies.

"If they loved me so much, why did they lie to me?" she said, stepping away from him. "I have always wondered where I came from. I can't count the number of times I asked them who my parents were and if they'd ever met them. They responded to me with lies. My parents were right there in front of my face the whole time. I feel like the big loser in some sick cruel joke. Part of me wishes they had never told me the truth."

"You feel that way now, but in a little while you'll forgive them and you'll be ready to move on."

Clarence's voice was so confident and reassuring she was already convinced. For a moment, she forgot why she was even mad at them. Clarence had such a way about him. Anyone could be at ease in his presence. She wondered how he knew her ... how he knew Rebecca Jane. There was only one way to find out.

"How exactly do you know Rebecca Jane?"

"We play music together sometimes. She has an amazing voice."

Emma Lynn nodded. That was definitely true.

"And we're in love," Clarence added.

"Oh," Emma Lynn said shocked again. She had no idea Rebecca Jane was in love with a Negro. How was this even possible? How did she keep this a secret? Maybe it wasn't possible and this Clarence person was lying to her.

"You don't believe me?" Clarence asked. He must have read the incredulousness written all over her face. "That's all right. You don't have to believe me. But it's true. Just as true as how you feel about your milkman?"

"She told you about him?"

He nodded. "Jane tells me everything."

Emma Lynn hugged herself as she tried to process all of the information she had learned today. "So Charles and Rebecca Jane
are
Negro. Charles has a Negro child. Rebecca Jane is in love with a Negro. And I am in love with a white man," she said by way of summary.

Charles nodded again. "That seems like an adequate analysis."

Emma Lynn shook her head. "I just don't see how this is going to turn out well for any of us."

Apology Accepted

Henry couldn't go home after that fiasco at the
Grande
Hotel. He needed to see his Emma. He needed to apologize and let her know that he would never fail her again. Not so long as he lived.

He also knew that Charles was going to tell her the truth tonight. She might be upset. She might need him. He wanted to be there and support her, especially since he had failed so miserably at supporting her earlier in the evening.

It was late.
Almost midnight.
His family wouldn't be worried about him though. In fact, they would be ecstatic to know that he'd had such a late evening in the company of the
Goodwins
. His mother was probably sitting at home right now planning a possible wedding to Rebecca Jane. He thought about the proposal Rebecca Jane had made to him just yesterday. Sure, it would be easier for him to secretly marry Emma Lynn and then live publicly as Rebecca Jane's husband, but would that be fair to Emma Lynn? She'd already had a life of fabrication; he didn't want her to have to continue it.

Henry sat on the steps behind the Goodwin home and put his head in his hands. Of course, she would have to want to be married to him in the first place. And after the way he'd behaved earlier in the evening, he wasn't sure she would ever want to marry him. What woman wanted a weak and useless husband?

Looking up, Henry saw two figures walking down the alley toward him. He instantly recognized Emma Lynn, but he wasn't familiar with the man who escorted her. A wave of nervous jealousy overwhelmed him. He was not about to let anyone else mistreat his Emma ever again. And that started now.

Henry threw his hat to the ground and raised his fists in the air in an awkward fighting stance as the pair approached.

"Are you in danger, Emma Lynn?" he said as soon as they were in earshot.

"What are you doing here?" she asked him. The Negro beside her merely smiled.

"I was worried about you. I want to protect you," Henry said.

"I'm fine, Mr. Miller. Clarence was just walking me home."

It pained him to hear that she had gone back to using such a formal tone with him. Had he already lost her to this Clarence? Something about that name seemed very familiar. He thought for a second and then remembered.

"Clarence? Are you Rebecca Jane's ... friend?" He knew for a fact that he was more, but for some reason had trouble actually saying it. Yes, Rebecca Jane was in fact Negro, but according to society she was white. And it felt odd to match her with Clarence.
Though the same thing could be said about him and Emma Lynn.
Except with Emma Lynn, he didn't even really see her as a Negro. He just considered her his soul mate.

Clarence smiled and nodded. "I'll leave you two to talk." He kissed Emma Lynn's hand then strolled away.

"Thank you for seeing me home, Clarence."

"Anytime," he called out over his shoulder.

Henry picked up his hat as Emma Lynn tried to walk past him to the stairs.

"Wait, Emma. Can we talk?"

He reached for her hand, but she snatched it away.

"About what?"

"I would like to apologize to you. Please let me apologize."

"You have nothing to apologize for, Mr. Miller."

"Emma, please don't be so cold to me. Not after all we've shared. Not after knowing how we feel about each other."

He touched her cheek and she closed her eyes, hopefully reveling in his touch. "I should have stood up for you. I should have protected you against Frank." He pulled her closer to him and rested his forehead against hers. She didn't resist. "I never expected any of this. I never thought —"

"What, Henry?" she said stepping away abruptly. "You'd never thought you'd love a Negro?"

"Well, no, honestly. But that doesn't mean —"

"You have no idea what it's like to be Negro. You have no idea what I go through every day of my life. It's like I'm not even human. Even in my own home, I'm less than worthy. I'm not good enough for my own parents to acknowledge me. They are my
parents
," she said pointing to her home. "Mrs. Goodwin gave birth to me but treats me as if I'm nothing more than hired help."

"Emma Lynn, I know," he said trying to hold her.

"The sad thing is I should have known," Emma Lynn said, ignoring Henry's comment. "The way I look like Rebecca Jane. The way no one would ever tell me about my parents or where I came from. All the signs were there. I think a part of me didn't want to know. I didn't want to have to admit that my own parents would do something like this to me."

"Emma, I know," he said again.

"Do you? I don't think you do. You don't know what it's like to be nothing and belong to no one. And if you want to be with me that is essentially what you'd be as well.
Nothing and no one.
I don't think you're ready for that, Henry. I don't think you can handle it."

"You're right, Emma. You're exactly right. I'm not ready for a life with you. But I'm also not ready for a life without you. Nothing scares me more than losing you."

Emma Lynn was silent for a moment as if contemplating his words. He thought he might have gotten through to her.

"If you feel half of what I feel for you, Emma, you won't be able to live without me either."

Emma Lynn sighed. "Henry, I love you. I do. I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you. But there's nothing we can do. It will be easier if we —"

"Let's get married."

"Henry, be serious."

"I am. I've already spoken to your parents."

"Don't call them that. They are not my parents. They are still Mr. and Mrs. Goodwin." Emma Lynn grabbed onto the railing and gently lowered herself down to the stairs as if she had suddenly gotten faint. The realization seemed to be finally hitting her. "How long have you
known
?" she asked him.

"Not long," he said sitting beside her. "Charles told me everything a few days ago. I wanted you to know the truth, but Charles thought you should find out from him or Rebecca Jane."

Emma Lynn stared in front of her either unable or unwilling to speak. "Sweet Emma," he said smoothing her hair away from her face. He stared at her beautiful profile, especially her lips. He so wanted to taste her lips again. "I'll never let anything hurt you.
For the rest of our lives.
I'll be stronger for you. I'll make sure you're happy," he whispered as he leaned toward her. Speaking of the rest of their lives, Henry thought it was time to bring up Rebecca Jane's proposal.

"Also," he began slowly, "Rebecca Jane has a plan for all of us."

"What do you mean all of us? What plan?" she said looking at him.

He couldn't resist the temptation of her lips in the moonlight. Instead of answering, he leaned in and a seized a kiss. Emma Lynn's hands reached around his neck. Henry pressed deeper into her, feeling his whole body grow warm.

Several breathless minutes later, he said, "Before I tell you Rebecca Jane's idea, please know that I love you more than anything. Tell me you know that."

"I know," she whispered.

"Rebecca Jane just feels that if we do this, it will be easier for everyone. But if you don't agree, I'll understand and we'll do something else. We'll do whatever it takes to be together, all right?"

"All right.
Whatever it takes."