Shadows of St. Louis (13 page)

Confrontation

Emma was silent for a very long time as she turned the wire ring he had given her around and around in her hand. Henry was sure she wasn't fond of the idea of a fake marriage to Clarence just so they could be together. She had every right to be upset. What right did he have to ask her to live a
lie
after her entire life had already been a lie? It was a selfish thing to ask.

"Are you all right, Emma?" he asked finally.

She nodded, but he didn't believe her. Henry put his arm around her shoulder and then kissed the side of her head. "I shouldn't have asked you that. It was unfair of me."

Emma Lynn turned to him and said. "I'll do it."

"You will?
But why?"

"If it means we can be together, I'll do it."

"There are other ways.  We can leave East St. Louis. Maybe we could live in Canada. It isn't the only way. I don't want to make you do anything that makes you feel
— "

"Unworthy?"

Henry nodded.

"I don't feel that. You're the only thing in my life right now that makes me feel loved. I'll do anything to spend the rest of my life with you."

Henry smiled and kissed her again. "I'm going to make you happy. I'm going to make up for everything you've suffered in your life. You'll never hurt again as long as you are with me."

Henry held her tightly in his arms for a very long time.

"It's late, Henry. You should go."

He didn't want to go. He wanted to hold her for the rest of the night. He was actually hoping that they would move together to her bed in the cellar. He wanted to watch her fall asleep. But he thought it too forward to ask for such a thing. Instead, he reluctantly let her go and stood up on the steps. After helping her to her feet, he kissed her again and said, "I'll talk this over with Rebecca Jane and see when she wants to do this."

"Let's do it today. I don't want to live another minute in that house if I don’t have to," Emma Lynn said, looking over her shoulder.

Henry smiled and caressed her cheek."Today?" he asked.

She nodded.

Thinking deeply for a moment, he adjusted his hat on his head then said, "I see no need to wait. But we can’t do it today. It’s Sunday now."

“Then Monday.
Let’s run away and get married on Monday.

He
pinched
his chin in thought. “Okay, Monday it is. Rebecca has money. Apparently she's been saving for something like this for a long time. We can leave Monday morning, get married and then find a place to live." Henry wasn't exactly sure how he would pay for a house, but he would figure out a way. He'd heard the house buying market was strong across the river in Missouri. He was also quite sure Rebecca Jane had enough money saved for their necessities.
At least for a while.
Clarence had a successful career as a musician so he could definitely contribute. That just left Henry to figure out how he could care for his and Emma Lynn's bills. Maybe he could be a doctor's assistant if he wasn't able to go to college immediately.

Yes, everything was coming together. Everything was going to work out perfectly.

***

Emma Lynn climbed the stairs to her kitchen in a bliss-filled daze. Nothing could bring her down.
Nothing except the sight of Mrs. Goodwin waiting for her.
Emma Lynn immediately regretted her decision to go to the kitchen for a cup of tea before bed. She could have easily entered her cellar bedroom through the broken window if she so desired. But then again, a confrontation with Mrs. Goodwin was probably a long time coming.

"I suppose Charles and Rebecca Jane told you," she said.

Emma Lynn nodded.

Mrs. Goodwin lit a long slender cigarette. "You must think I'm some sort of monster," she began as she wiped what looked like a tear from her eye. Even while crying, she looked completely elegant. Emma Lynn had often admired her beauty and sophistication, never imagining that she was so closely related to it.

"Something
like
that," Emma Lynn said with more calm than she had expected.

Why was Mrs. Goodwin crying? The cold calculating Elizabeth Goodwin would never succumb to tears. She never had to. She never made mistakes and she was always blessed with good fortune. It was indeed good fortune that gave her
her
looks.
Her beautiful and white looks.

Maybe she cried because she was sorry for what she had put Emma Lynn through for sixteen years. Maybe she regretted never being a true mother to her. At least that was what Emma Lynn hoped.

"I'm not a monster. I did what I had to do to have a decent life.
To protect my family."

"What about me? I'm your family too."

"I did protect you!" Mrs. Goodwin yelled slamming her fist on the table so loudly Emma Lynn jumped. "Do you know what your life would have been like if you didn't live here with us? Do you have any idea what your life would be right now if we had sent you back to South Carolina?"

"No, I don't have any idea. You never told me anything about myself. You never gave me a choice."

"You would have no choice in the South either. You'd be picking cotton or rice on some God-awful plantation with no hope of a future. You'd be pregnant and alone or pregnant and married to another no good Negro with a dead end future."

"At least that would have been my own doing. At least then I would know who I was and where I belong. I've lived with you for sixteen years as an outcast in my own home."

"You've had a good life here, Emma Lynn. Don't you deny
that.
"

"Do you honestly believe my life has been as good as Rebecca Jane's?"

"You can't compare yourself to her. She's white and you're black!"

"No, Mother," Emma Lynn placed special emphasis on the word mother. Of course, she had no intention of calling her that on any permanent basis, but she felt in that instance, the effect was too powerful to pass up. Emma Lynn actually noticed Mrs. Goodwin flinch at her use of the word. "We all are black, Mother. We are the same." Emma Lynn decided against the tea and instead headed for her room.

"I want you out of this house," Mrs. Goodwin said before Emma Lynn had left the room. "You know too much. I can't have you blackmailing us into keeping our secret or worse telling everyone with a willing ear. You think you can do so much better now that you know the truth,
then
prove it. Go run off with your little milkman, but don't you ever come back here again." Mrs. Goodwin stood and breezed past her daughter on her way up the stairs.

Emma Lynn turned and descended down into her cellar, the dark, hopeless place she had existed for the past several years. Up until that point, her life had been the same.
Dark and hopeless.
But somehow, she didn't feel as depressed and despondent as she expected. She knew it was because of Henry. She knew that because of their love her life would no longer be so dark.

Big News

"I have big news," Henry said the next morning at breakfast. He hadn't even been to sleep that night. He was too excited to sleep. Just four hours ago, he had held the woman he loved in his arms. In just a little while, she would be his forever. Unfortunately, it was Sunday and there was no milk delivery. Thus, he had no reason to go back to the Goodwin’s home this morning. He’d have to figure out a way to see her again before the day’s end.

He still wasn't sure about the details of Rebecca Jane's plan. He didn't know if he would legally be marrying Rebecca Jane and just secretly bed Emma or whether Rebecca Jane and Emma Lynn would switch names for the ceremony so that even though he would be marrying Rebecca Jane in person, he would legally be married to Emma Lynn. He hoped for the latter. He wanted to be married to Emma Lynn.

"Well, what is it, boy?" Henry's father said. Henry realized that he hadn't said anything in several seconds. He was too busy daydreaming about the wedding.

Henry felt it best to tell his parents as soon as possible. He didn't know if he would be able to lie convincingly, but he had to give it a try. The rest of his life was essentially going to be a lie. He might as well start today.

"I ... I ... I am getting married."

Forks clanked on plates. A table full of confused faces stared at him. Well, almost all were confused. John's expression was more of anger. He seemed to shake his head slowly as if in warning.

"Married? To
who
?" his father asked.

"Um, Rebecca Jane Goodwin."
Henry was shaking now. He stared down into his plate of fried potatoes and tried to ignore the heat of his family's stares.

"Rebecca Jane Goodwin?" Walter said. "You are marrying Rebecca Jane Goodwin? That's not possible. There is no way someone like that would agree to marry you."

"Yeah, there's no way she's marrying you," Willie said.

"Well, she did agree to marry me," Henry said, a little annoyed that his family believed he wasn't good enough to marry a Goodwin. He wanted to add the fact that she was the one who proposed to him. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized just how unrealistic that sounded.

Henry glanced at John leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed. He was sure John had figured out what was really going on. John was too smart not to. Suddenly, Henry regretted not speaking to John privately first and laying the groundwork for this elaborate scheme. Instead, he just hoped John had the decency not to reveal him to his parents.

"How did this come about?" his mother asked. "When did you propose? I had no idea you were even interested in her until you were invited to that party last night."

Henry thought carefully before he spoke, trying to infuse as much truth as he could. "We've been in love for quite some time," he said, thinking of Emma Lynn instead of Rebecca Jane. "We thought it best to keep it a secret."

"Why?
Because of Frank?"

"Yes, sure.
Because of Frank.
Um …
" Using
Frank as an excuse was just as good as any. He really couldn't think of anything else to say by way of explanation so he said, "We are eloping."

"When?"
Mrs. Miller asked.

"Tomorrow," he said quietly as he realized how incredulous all of this seemed. He was telling his parents not only that he was in love with a girl they’d never officially met but that he was marrying her in a matter of hours. As unbelievable as it sounded, it was invariably true.
Though the actual identity of the girl was a lie.

Mrs. Miller gasped.
"Tomorrow?
Why so soon?"

"I know why," Mr. Miller volunteered. Henry's heartbeat accelerated. Did he really know why? Had he known the entire time that the marriage was going to be a farce? "She's pregnant,
ain't
she, son?" he said punching Henry's shoulder.       

Henry let out a sigh of relief as he rubbed his shoulder. He didn't really know how to respond to that question. What was one more lie on top of the several he had already told? Henry shrugged and said, "Yes, sure. She's pregnant."

"Hot damn!
I didn't know you had it in you, Henry," Walter said.

"Yeah, we didn't know you had it," Willie added.

Mrs. Miller started
wringing
her hands nervously. "Oh Henry, I do wish you had been more careful."

"Boys will be boys, Miriam," Mr. Miller said. "We should be proud he's doing the right thing."

"Proud? We should be more than proud," Walter said. "We're going to be part of the Goodwin fortune. I'm more than proud. I'm so happy I could do a jig."

"Yeah, we should do a jig," Willie said.

Shaking off his family's responses to his comments Henry added, "We are thinking of finding a place to live across the river in Missouri."

"You
mean,
you're not going to live in East St. Louis anymore?" his mother asked. She seemed hurt by the news.

"No, we're leaving town." Henry cleared his throat and added, "We have a maid already as well. You know Emma Lynn." He didn't know why he decided to add that piece of information. Maybe he just wanted to see how his family would react to the news of him living with a Negro.

John pushed his plate away and bolted out of his chair. "I'm going for a walk," he said heading for the door.

The rest of the table seemed quite unconcerned that he planned to hire Emma Lynn as a maid.  He felt relieved and angered at the same time. He decided to push away his conflicting emotions and go after his older brother.

"Henry, wait," his mother said. "Shouldn't we at least meet them?"

"Who?"

"Well, the
Goodwins
."

"I don't think that's necessary," Henry said in a panic. He hadn't thought about this. Of course his mother would want to meet them. He should have just let the whole marriage thing be a surprise. Why did he even see the need to tell his family at all? He wondered if they would have been more or less surprised if he had just shown up next week as a married man. It was too late to think about that now. Now he just had to figure out a way to make the whole situation somehow believable.

"Nonsense.
We're about to be family and we've never been formally introduced."

"Really, Mother.
That's not necessary."

"And why not?"
Mr. Miller asked.
"You ashamed of us, boy?"

"Oh, no.
Of course not.
It's just that, well …" he had no idea how to get out of this. Thinking on his feet had never been his strong suit. "It's just that, they don't know about the pregnancy. Rebecca Jane hasn't told them."

"Oh, I see. But they know you are a couple, correct?" Mr. Miller asked.

Henry nodded.

"And you have properly asked for her hand?"

Henry nodded again, thinking of Emma Lynn. Though it would be a secret marriage, he had still felt the urge to ask her parents. It was just the way he was raised. Though now, he completely regretted getting any parents involved.

"But won't we have to meet the
Goodwins
eventually?" Mrs. Miller asked.

"Yes, I suppose, but not yet. Please, not yet."

"Well, I really don't see the harm in going over there and introducing myself. I really want to hear the story of how you asked for her hand. The way a man asks a girl's father for her hand says a lot about him. Will you tell us Henry?"

Henry glanced at the door, begging for any excuse to take his leave. He wouldn't begin to know how to conjure up a false story about how he asked for Rebecca Jane's hand. He certainly couldn't draw upon what really happened when he asked for Emma Lynn's hand. Those God-awful people tried to deny she was even their child.

Anger started to rise in Henry. This was all completely ridiculous. Emma Lynn's parents tried to deny her birth and her existence. They'd made her feel like nothing. And he, a man that claimed to love her, wasn't doing any better. He was completely denying his love for her. She deserved better.

Just as Henry was about to confess everything, John came storming back into the apartment. "Forgot my hat," he said before leaving again.

John
. Henry thought.
I need to talk to John. I'll tell John everything and then I'll tell the rest of the family.

"John, wait. I'll walk with you."

John took one look at Henry then scurried out of the door.

Once outside, Henry had to run to catch up with his brother.

"John
wait
. Didn't you hear me?"

"I don't want to talk to you, Henry."

"Well, I need to talk to you. I need your advice."

John stopped walking abruptly.
"Advice?
You want my advice? Well, I'll tell you what to do. Stay away from that Negro. That's what's really going on here, isn't it? You're using Rebecca Jane to cover up what's going on between you and Emma Lynn, aren't you?"

"How did you know?" Henry asked, staring at the ground.

"It's obvious to me you're still in love with the Negro."

"Her name is Emma Lynn," Henry said, a bit annoyed that he had never called her by her given name. Yes, she was a Negro but that wasn't all she was. She was smart, beautiful, kind and strong. She was his Emma Lynn, not just some label that society had placed on her because her skin was slightly darker. If she stayed out of the sun for a few days and wore a bit of powdered make up, she could easily pass for white. Even Frank had thought she was white without the added makeup. What made her any different from any white person just because of a few shades of pigment?

"You have no idea what you're dealing with. This is the wrong time to be fraternizing with the enemy. The Negro is single handedly responsible for yanking the food right off of our tables."

"I can assure you, Emma Lynn has nothing to do with the food on our table."

"Well, of course not her directly, but the Negro people as a whole. They are all the same."

"How can you say that? Just because their skin is darker doesn't make them all the same. Look at us. We are the same color as Walter and Willie, but we're nothing like them, are we?"

"You just don't get it, Henry. You are ruining this family? What will people think of us when they find out you're sleeping with a Negro? You'll ruin any chances of me, Walter or Willie finding a wife. No one is going to want to marry into a Negro loving family. If I didn't think it would kill her instantly, I would tell Mom myself."

"That's what I was coming out here to ask you. I'm tired of lying about how I feel about Emma Lynn. I love her and I'm going to marry her. I wanted you to know it first before I tell the rest of the family."

Anger masked the hurt Henry felt at his brother's reaction. Henry knew John hated Negros. Most white people were proud of their Negro hate. But somewhere deep down inside, he'd hoped his brother would understand. He'd hoped John would set aside his personal prejudice for the sake of his feelings. But that was apparently too much to ask.

Head bowed, Henry turned around to return to their apartment.

"I just don't understand you. You're ruining the life of your entire family over one little colored whore."