Shattered Heart: The Donnellys, Book 3 (26 page)

Maiya burst into a fit of giggles. “You are so fucking cute, Angie. We gotta find you a man. For real.”

“Ugh, no way. I don’t do blind dates.” She sipped her whiskey, then tilted her head to the side. “What a strange flavor.”

“Ang, you know you don’t have to do the moratorium anymore, right? I mean, that’s kind of the farthest thing from my mind right now. Not really fair for you to continue.”

“I have decided that being single for a little while is working for me. Doubt I’ll do a year, but for now, I’m okay with it.” Angie shrugged. “Okay, so? Therapist?”

Knowing her sisters weren’t going to let it go, Cyn took a deep breath, along with another mouthful of ice cream, and shored up her emotions. “She’s this interesting-looking older lady. Glasses that are too big for her face. Gray hair that sorely needs a style and she had on a horrid beige cardigan sweater. She probably owns only orthopedic shoes.”

“I guess it’s a good thing you’re not going to her for fashion advice then, hmm?” Maiya nodded with a grin and lit a cigarette.

Cyn leaned forward. “True. It’s kind of like talking to a really nice older aunt. Or godmother, you know? I like her though.” She swirled her spoon in her ice cream.

Maiya blew out a stream of smoke. “Comfortable. Safe.” She smiled. “I feel that way about your mom.”

Genuine happiness flowed through her heart hearing Maiya talk about the admiration and love she felt for their mother. Once again, Cyn knew her brother had struck gold when he found Maiya. “I’m glad you feel that way, Maiya.” She squeezed her sister-in-law’s hand and smiled.

“Me too.” Maiya nodded as a small smile arched her lips.

Cyn blew out a breath. “So, anyway, she made me talk about what happened with Carlos. In full detail of course. It was rough, not gonna lie about that. But the crazy thing is, I feel better already.” Cyn sat back. “Then she asked me some questions and when I expressed that I didn’t want to be on pills, she said that was entirely my decision. I’m pretty relieved about that. I mean, I have nothing against medication, but I’m relieved no one’s forcing it on me.”

Angie curled her legs beneath her. “That all sounds so wonderful, Cyn! Are you going to see her again?”

“Yeah, I guess I’m going to do twice a week for the next few weeks. We’re just going to talk about it until it’s just…I dunno, I guess till it’s gone.”

“You are so fucking brave and I am so fucking proud of you.” Maiya leaned over and wrapped her arms around Cyn.

Angie came over and slid on the other side of Cyn, wrapping her arms around her too. “Ditto.”

Tears sprung and dripped down Cyn’s cheeks. “I love you guys.”

“We love you too!” Maiya pulled away and swiped away a tear dripping down Cyn’s cheek. “Here for you always, chica. Always.”

“Thank fuck for that. I don’t think I could go through this without either of you. And I’m so sorry for how horrible I’ve been to both of you.”

Angie stroked Cyn’s back. “There is no need for apologies. None of that matters.”

Cyn shifted and rested her head on Angie’s shoulder. “Think I’m ready for more whiskey. It’s been a really emotional day.”

“Bring on the whiskey!” Maiya patted Cyn’s leg and then picked up her glass for her.

Cyn took it and held it up as Maiya and Angie raised theirs.

“Sláinte,” Angie said.

“Sláinte,” Cyn repeated with a nod. All three of them tapped the bottom of their glasses on the table and drank the booze down.

The whiskey burned as it coated her throat and as the warmth spread through her, Cyn knew she was blessed. Blessed with a family that always had her back. That would love her without hesitation, even when she was unlovable, and also glue her back together when she’d been shattered.

It filled her heart with joy, but the feeling was bittersweet since Shane wasn’t there. And to add insult to injury, Shane didn’t have the kind of unconditional love that Cyn got from her family. In fact, the only place he received that kind of love was from
her
family…and she’d gone and sent him away. Ugh, she was such a shit.

Jesus, she’d made a colossal mess of things with him. And she could only hope the therapist would be willing to help her sort that issue out too.

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Cyn
sat across from Jean, her therapist, in one of the overstuffed leather chairs. Today was her sixth session. She’d been going twice a week for the past three weeks and although it’d been one hell of an emotional journey, it was actually getting a whole lot easier. And Cyn was feeling a whole lot better too.

“Did you have any dreams over the weekend?” Jean shifted in her seat and crossed her legs. Today the woman wore a red cardigan over a white blouse, a pair of sensible tan khakis and equally sensible brown shoes. Her overgrown bangs were pulled to the side in a barrette while the rest of the gray locks fell messily, skimming the top of her shoulders. Cyn was no fashion or beauty expert, but it was clear, Jean was in need of a complete makeover.

Cyn tilted her head to the side and thought for a moment. “I actually don’t think I had any bad dreams. I mean, I suppose I could’ve and just not remembered, but I definitely feel like I’m getting more rest. I’m nowhere near as exhausted as I was.”

“That’s a good sign. What about the living room? Did you spend some time in there as we discussed you would last week?”

“Ah yes, my homework assignment.” Cyn chuckled.

Jean smiled, her laugh lines crinkling around her eyes. “Yes, homework indeed.”

“Angie and Maiya came over and we watched a movie in there.”

“Wonderful! How did you feel during? Any flashbacks?”

Cyn shrugged one shoulder. “Some, but nothing that sent me reeling. Mostly, of Shane struggling with Carlos and how scared I was he was going to get hurt.”

“Did you share the memories with Angie and Maiya when they came up?”

“Yes.” Cyn brushed her hair out of her eyes. Two weeks ago, Cyn never would’ve been able to share what was going on in her mind. But worse, a little over three weeks ago, she would’ve shoved the thoughts away faster than they’d surfaced, effectively convincing herself they’d not surfaced at all. It was a very dark emotional place she’d held herself in, and Cyn was beyond grateful she was no longer there.

“And they were supportive I assume?”

“Always. And after, we talked about it—which I actually managed to do without crying. Amazing, right?” Jean nodded and Cyn continued. “After we talked, in true Angie form, she steered the convo to the redecorating Shane had done to try and make me feel better in the room. Of course, then I broke down and cried.”

Jean leaned forward. “Tell me about that.”

Cyn blew out a breath. “Well, you already know how he redid the room for me, and how I was just the biggest bitch in the world to him about it.”

“But you also apologized.”

“Yeah, but still. It was still shitty.”

“Cynthia, it’s very important that you not beat yourself up. Backsliding isn’t helpful in this process. It’s okay to feel remorse for your actions, and I’ll remind you again, you apologized to him that night, if I remember correctly.”

Cyn looked down at her hands. “I guess I just feel bad. About everything with him.”

“Have you thought about contacting him?”

“Are you kidding? I think about it every day. But you said I shouldn’t yet. Are you saying now I should?”

Jean took a sip of her water. “I think you’ve made excellent progress and that we’ve worked through much of the trauma you’d been suppressing. Your anger appears to have subsided and you’ve faced the ultimate issue, which was the hurt that Carlos caused emotionally, more than physically.”

“Jean, that was about as clear as black paint.”

That got a laugh out of the woman. “In the beginning when we first started meeting, I felt it was necessary to put the Shane situation on the back burner in order to address the more critical issues. At this point, what is it that
you
feel is best to do? This is not a decision I can or will make for you.”

“Okay then.” Cyn licked her lips. “What would you do?”

“Nice try.” Jean smiled again, her pale blue eyes sparkling with amusement. “How about you tell me what’s stopping you from contacting him?”

Cyn frowned. “You always ask the hard questions.”

“Yes, well. That’s what you pay me for.”

“And your dry humor cracks me up.” With a grin in place, Cyn rolled her eyes. “I guess I’m afraid he won’t speak to me. I mean, he probably hates me. I know I’d hate me.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Because I treated him like shit. Hell, I treated him the way all my exes treated me, Jean. And that’s just gross. The fact that I could be that way? Ugh, yeah, gross.” Cyn scrunched up her face and then frowned.

“There were mitigating circumstances.”

Cyn shook her head and looked away. “Doesn’t matter. I don’t get a free pass because I couldn’t handle my shit. I should’ve been able to handle my shit. And I didn’t. I totally failed. And I just spread that shit all over everyone, Shane especially.”

“I see.” Jean pursed her lips. “Sounds like you have some forgiving to do.”

“Forgiving? I’m barely grasping the concept of forgiving Carlos—not quite there yet—but Shane didn’t do anything that needs forgiving.”

“You forgot someone on that list, Cyn.”

What the hell was she talking about? Cyn was completely confused. Shane didn’t need forgiving. Neither did anyone else she was close to. Cyn had been the one doing all the damage. She’d been lashing out at everyone. Jean wasn’t making any sense and frustration churned in Cyn’s belly—not the hot anger she’d felt constantly before therapy, thank God, just normal frustration. “Who on earth do you feel needs forgiving?”

“You need to forgive yourself, Cynthia.”

What on earth? “How can I…” Cyn licked her lips and shifted in her seat. “Why would I…” She crossed her arms.
Forgive myself
?
How the hell…
Shock bounced around Cyn’s brain like a Ping Pong ball, triggering a mind-blowing bomb.

Jean took a sip of her water and then continued. “Tell me what you’re feeling.”

“Shock. Confusion. And a whole lot of what the fuck… If that’s even a feeling. Sure feels like one though.”

“It qualifies.” Jean shifted and uncrossed and re-crossed her legs. “I take it self-forgiveness is a new concept for you.”

Cyn clenched her hands as her stomach twisted into a knot. “I guess I’ve never thought about it.”

“I think it applies to the trauma with Carlos too. We’ve talked in depth about the fact that you blamed yourself for what happened. Forgiving yourself is necessary where that matter is concerned too.”

Cyn stared in silence across the room at the gray-haired, frumpy woman who she’d been vomiting her guts up to for the last three weeks. Jean was smart and made sense, even though sometimes that was really annoying, but so far the woman had been right about everything she’d suggested. Maybe she was right about this too.

Jean glanced at her watch. “It seems time’s up for today. How about you give it some thought and we’ll talk more about it on Thursday when we meet again.”

Grateful they were done for the day, relief washed through Cyn and she blew out a breath. “Okay, see you Thursday.”

Cyn pondered the thought as she made her way out of the building to her Wrangler. She wasn’t sure if she could forgive herself for what happened with Carlos, and as far as Shane was concerned? There just was no way she could ever forgive herself for hurting him like she did. Dammit, she was making such good progress too.

With a heavy heart, and deep in thought, Cyn headed for home. Would Angie and Maiya agree with Jean? She just couldn’t see it. Maybe talking to her mother about it was a better option.
Dammit.
Cyn wanted to get better. She was definitely feeling better, or at least
had been
, until today’s session. Now she felt like shit all over again. As far as she was concerned, she didn’t deserve forgiveness. And anyone who thought she did might just be as nuts as she was.

* * * * *

Cyn
bit into the strawberry pastry her mother had made and then sipped her coffee. “She says I need to forgive myself, Mom.”

“Well, you do.” Her mother took the seat to Cyn’s right. “How’s the pastry? Moist enough?”

“It’s freaking delish. You’re not supposed to agree with her. You’re supposed to tell me she’s nuts.”

Her mother looked at her with one raised brow as she lifted her coffee cup to her lips and took a sip.

Cyn cringed. “I don’t like that look.”

“If I told you that I didn’t agree with her or that she was nuts, I’d be lying. And that’s something I don’t do to my kids.” Her mother set her cup down. “Let me ask you something.”

Cyn sighed and rested her arms on the table. “Sure.”

“Don’t you think you’ve punished yourself enough?”

Cyn shot straight in her seat. “What?” That was not the question she expected, yet Cyn should’ve known because it was exactly the kind of direct-hit question her mother
would
ask. Damn. Shit. Fuck.
Fucking hell!
Tears stung Cyn’s eyes and she blinked, trying to force them back. She hadn’t looked at her actions as punishing herself. Like, in any way. And frankly she wasn’t sure how many more realizations she could handle in one day. A tear escaped, slipping down her cheek, and Cyn wiped it away. “Mom, I don’t think I realized I was punishing myself.”

Her mom leaned over and pulled Cyn into an embrace. “Oh, my sweet girl, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through all of this. I absolutely cannot stand watching any one of my kids struggle or hurt. If I could take this away from you right now, I would.” Her mother pulled back and cupped Cyn’s face in her palms. “But I also know that, as hard as all of this has been, it’s your journey, and when you get to the end of it, you’re going to be stronger than you ever imagined.”

Cyn closed her eyes as tears streamed down her cheeks. “This sucks. Forgiving myself feels like some kind of cop-out or get-out-of-jail-free card.”

“Yes, it sucks. And no, it’s not a cop-out or free ride—farthest thing from it actually. Cyn, everything happens for a reason and you may not know what that reason is now, but eventually, you will.”

“What if I can’t do it?” Cyn sniffled.

Her mother sat back. “What if you can?”

“What if Shane never forgives me?”

“What if he does?”

“Ugh, Mom, that’s not helping.”

Her mother laughed. “I’m totally helping. You just can’t see that yet either. I love you, Cynthia, and I know you’re going to figure this out.”

“’Kay.” Cyn’s voice was clogged with tears. She leaned forward and her mother pulled her into another hug. She cried a little longer until the tears finally ebbed. After blowing her nose, she finished the delicious strawberry pastry her mother had made and drank her coffee.

They made small talk for the remainder of Cyn’s visit, until finally Cyn felt a little more settled in her mind. After she left and arrived home, her mother’s words stayed with her throughout the remainder of the night and into the next morning.

The things she’d said made sense, in a “trust in things bigger than you” kind of way. They’d been raised Catholic, but as they’d gotten older, or rather, as her mother had aged, her views had turned in more of a spiritual direction rather than a religious one. Her parents still went to church every weekend, but their outlook on God and religion had changed a lot since when Cyn and her siblings were kids. It was cool and a whole lot more focused on love and comfort, rather than sin and salvation…

Cyn supposed forgiveness was born from love. Love of others, and love of self. Forgiving others didn’t have much to do with the person who did the harming, but more so with the person who’d been harmed, setting them free.

Maybe it was possible if Cyn forgave herself, she’d be set free too. And maybe, just maybe Shane could forgive her too.