She Laughs in Pink (Sheridan Hall #1) (19 page)

I shut my eyes, blocking out the sound of the last word I heard from her:
Juliet!
Every night for four years, I’ve heard it. “That’s when I saw he had his hand on her waist, a knife to her side. He pulled her away. I tried, Gloria, I tried to keep up.”

“You were only a child—”

“—but I lost them. It was so fast. There was a car… I never saw her again. The police found her body a few days later.”

I drop my head into my hands and count my deep breaths like the therapist taught me all those years ago.
I’m okay. It’s over.
Finally, I look at Gloria. She struggles to sit up straighter, dabbing at her eyes, too. “You probably didn’t need to hear that. I’m so selfish. I’m sorry I upset you.”

“You poor girl,” Gloria whispers. “What an awful thing. What an awful man.”

“The reason I wanted to tell you…I don’t know how this stuff works…Heaven and all that…but…” I bite my lip to stop crying. “…if you see her?”

Gloria saves me from speaking the rest of my request. “Sweetie, if I see her, I’ll tell her you’re sorry. But I’ll also tell her what a beautiful woman you are and how you’re strong and brave and smart as a whip. I’ll tell her you love her. And you know what?”

I fight my tears and swallow the lump in my throat. I can’t find a word to answer her question.

She answers for me. “I’m pretty sure she’ll be smiling.”

I lean down onto the bed and wrap my arms around Gloria. She must be suffering under my weight, but I can’t stop myself. “Thank you.”

Then she whispers the same words her grandson said to me. “It wasn’t your fault.”

I nod, but I know she’s wrong—it was my fault. Justine died for me, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.

Chase

After every ballet class, Juliet knocks on the door and harasses Rob, asking for me. He always covers, but as we sit eating dinner one night he asks me what’s up.

I’m not sure why I confide in Rob. Maybe because, like he’d told me, he’s all I’ve got. “She’s not mine,” I say. When that explanation doesn’t satisfy him, I fill him in about Ben, past and present. I devour six of his chicken tacos while we talk.

“She obviously cares about you.” He scoops more chicken onto my plate. “She goes ballistic when I tell her you aren’t here. She looks me right in the eye like she can tell I’m lying. Honestly, it’s frightening."

"Juliet’s used to getting her way. She’s a fighter."

"She’s fighting for you. Why don’t you talk to her?"

I think about Juliet and her spark, her colors. “I don’t want to feel the things I feel when I’m around her then have to watch her go back to Ben. I can’t do it.” I practically lick my plate clean, I’m so hungry. “I want to move on and try to forget.”

Rob shakes his head. Looking at him is like looking in a mirror, except his eyes have a rugged, weathered look, and his hair is a little shorter than mine. I may be a nut job like my mom, but physically, I take after my father’s side.

“I tried to do that with someone I loved once, too.” Rob stands to clear the table. “The problem is that you never forget.”

So Peter Pan ran from a girl.
“Maybe it’s not too late for you.” I’m uncharacteristically sympathetic toward Rob. Maybe it’s because he keeps me fed.

Rob turns on the faucet in the sink to wash the dishes. “It’s too late. She’s gone. I let her go like you’re letting Juliet go. You don’t want to be like me, losing myself in stuff that doesn't matter. Shitty friends, shitty jobs, shitty women.”

I think about Rob’s words and his story and everything about Rob suddenly makes sense—his restlessness, his inability to commit, his abandonment of the family. He doesn’t want to feel either. I panic.
I’m going to turn into Rob. Once Gram dies, I’m going to be Rob, and I’m going to be miserable, and I’m going to spend my life chasing fake Juliets because I can’t have the real one.

With the water running in the sink, we miss the ringing phones—first mine, then Rob’s. The chances of them ringing at the same time are slim, and we freeze and stare at each other for a long second.

Rob picks up his phone first, confirming what we both know. “The hospital.”

We rush through city traffic to the hospital in time to see the doctors leave Gram’s room. We pace the waiting room, unsure of what to expect. I wonder if I’ll get the chance to talk to her again, to say goodbye.
Why haven’t I said goodbye yet?
All those hours we’d spent together, and I didn’t say goodbye? I can’t remember the last time I told her I loved her.
Why aren’t Rob and I in there right now?

The doctor approaches us in the waiting area and ushers us to what they call a counseling room. He asks us to sit, but we pace instead. When he says, “She's stable,” Rob and I sigh in relief.
Thank God.

“She knows she doesn’t have much time and she wants to talk to Chase. Soon, we’ll give her a sedative to keep her out of pain. It’s best that you’re prepared. I’m so sorry.” The doctor squeezes my shoulder. I can only nod. His sympathy seems genuine, but he can't understand how his words kill a part of me I’ll never get back.

Still, I’m grateful for any additional time. “Can we see her?” I ask as a formality. There’s no way I’m
not
going to see her. The doctor nods and walks us down the hallway to Gram’s room. Rob waits outside as I take my usual seat next to her bed. She turns her head from the window and looks at me. Even though I’m really trying to be strong for her, I can’t stop myself from crying the way I did when I was a little kid.

“Chase. Don't be sad for me.” Her voice is soft.

“How am I going to survive without you?” I whisper back, unsure if she can hear.

“You’re going to be fine.” She pauses and takes a long, slow breath. “You are going to have a great life. I’ll be watching, too, so don’t screw it up. I’ll haunt you." She’s teasing, but I can’t smile.

“I love you, Gram.”

“I love you, too. The best thing that ever happened to me is you. Don’t worry about anything. Follow your path. Follow the colors, Chasey.”

My tears fall onto her pillowcase as I lean close and gulp hard. Pain shoots down my throat right to my heart.

Like magic, the memories flood into my mind and suddenly, I remember. “Follow the colors, Chasey.” She’d said it to me a million times.
How could I have forgotten?
Follow the colors.

I lift my head to look into her eyes. “Do you see the colors, Gram?”

The corners of her lips turn up, and for a second the sparkle returns to her eyes.
She sees the colors!
For some reason, the thought comforts me. I wish I had time to talk to her about it. I smile through tears and grab her fragile hand.

“I have to tell you something,” she whispers so softly that I have to put my ear to her lips to hear. “It’s really important…”

Juliet

I go to dinner with Ben, but I can’t settle down. I’m jittery and anxious, and I play with the food on my plate. Ben’s caregiving tendencies kick in, and as we walk toward Sheridan he puts his arm around my shoulders. “What’s going on? Talk to me.”

“You can’t fix this.” Ben wants to make everything right for me, as always. 

“I can’t if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

I sigh.
My sweet Ben
. He deserves as much honesty as I can muster in the situation. “I miss Chase.” I tell him I’ve been trying to see Chase for weeks and keep getting pushed away by his uncle. “I guess he doesn’t want to see me. He won’t answer my calls. I don’t want to push him, but I know how tough this is on him, and when he shuts people out…I mean, what if he self-destructs? Remember Sara? She’s all wrong, terrible for him, and what if he’s gone back to her?”

“If he did, that’s his mistake to make. There’s nothing you can do about it, Jules, especially if he doesn’t want you to fix it.”

I frown. “I guess.”

Ben swipes his access card over the pad next to the door to Sheridan and holds the door open for me. “Let’s text him again, tell him we’re thinking about him, and then try and have a nice time tonight.”

I rub my hands together, happy to be in the warmth of the building. Ben kisses my shoulder. “What do you feel like doing?” he asks.

I don’t feel like doing anything, so I don’t answer.

“Want to see what Rodrigo and Winston are up to?”

Ben huffs. “Okay. I’ll share you tonight, but this weekend you’re mine. Don’t make plans.”

He kisses my cheek, and I want to snuggle into his warmth. “Why not?”

“Surprise.”

When I look into Ben’s eyes and see the smile I’ve loved for years spread across his face, my heart flutters. “I love surprises.”

“I know,” he says.

My mind wanders to a night a few months ago.
So you love surprises and hate being tickled. I’m going to start a list…

Later, when Pooja and I shut the lights, I ask her if she knows anything about Ben’s surprise.

“If I tell you it involves a romantic weekend in the city, would that satisfy your curiosity?”

“Yes, it would. Thanks.” I snuggle into my comforter.

“I think he’s trying to set the perfect scene for your first time.”

“
I hate that it’s such a big friggin’ deal. It’s embarassing. This whole floor has been having sex all over the place. I feel bad that Ben thinks I need this.”

Pooja giggles. “In Ben’s defense, I think he’s tried everything else.”

She’s right. I’ve been avoiding the big night with Ben. Every time we get close, Chase’s “I love you” stops me. 

“Have you heard from Chase?” she asks, reading my mind.

“No.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I sigh and roll toward the wall. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

***

On Saturday night, after an incredibly long and boring week, with the light of the full moon dancing through my little half window in Sheridan Hall, I wait for Ben with my overnight bag. Ben’s always busy. I’m always waiting for him.

Restless, I call Chase.

Every time I call him, I hope he answers. I hope he tells me that he’s fine, that he misses me, and that his grandmother is going to be okay. But he never answers, and I know his grandmother is not going to be okay. I try to follow Ben’s advice and let him be. I remember how I’d felt when Justine died. Although I try to respect Chase’s wishes, it’s hard. The more I think about the men in my life, the more it dawns on me that I’m in a weird situation. I love Ben, but I love Chase, too. And Chase is the one who needs me now.

But Chase isn’t mine, and he doesn’t want to reach out to me for help. He doesn’t know how to handle what’s happening in his life—what’s already happened in his life. He may never be ready for me, and I know there’s a chance that when his Gram dies I’ll never see him again as he falls deeper into himself.

Even though I tell myself my motives are pure, I know I’m calling Chase as a last ditch effort before I go away with Ben—not that I want him to stop me.

Or do I?

Unsurprisingly, I get his voice mail. I close my eyes as I listen to his recorded message and then leave a message. “Chase. Will you call me? Please? Not for me. For you. I’m here.”

I hang up and smile when Ben walks in. When he sees it’s just me, I explain that Pooja is spending the night in Rocco’s room. Rocco and Frank are away at a bodybuilding competition, and Pooja wants to give us privacy.

“But we’re going away,” he says. “She can stay here.”

“About that.” I try to tell Ben that I’m not ready to have sex with him. I may never be ready. I love him, but I love someone else, too.

Then I look at his beautiful face, the face that has saved me so many times, the face that has shown me affection, love, gratitude, warmth, security. I walk to Ben and put my hands on his cheeks.

I kiss him. I mean, I
really
kiss him.

He drops his bag and puts his arms around me. I’m settled. Chase or no Chase, this is my Ben.
Finally, my Ben
. “We don’t have to go anywhere.”

“Jules, I don’t want you to feel pressured. I’ll wait for you forever,” he whispers as he kisses my earlobe. “We can go into the city, spend the weekend away from here. Just be together.” Ben wraps his arms around me, and I press myself into his big chest.

I don’t want to go into the city. The city means Chase. The city means the little bedroom and the deep, purple eyes. Here, with me now, is the person I’ve planned on doing this with for years. I trust him with my life, my heart, and my body. Ben’s here, and he wants me.

I want to be wanted
. He’s all I’ve ever wanted.

I let go of Ben, lock the door, and turn off the light. I take Ben’s hand and lead him to my bed. “Here. Tonight.” It’s hard for me to form words.

The moonlight fills the room as Ben’s soft kisses warm me from head to toe. I pull his shirt off, then mine. “God, Juliet. You’re gorgeous,” he whispers.

Hello to you, too, gorgeous
.

I kiss Ben deeper to erase thoughts of Chase. I sit on the bed.

I thought about you all night, gorgeous.

Ben stretches on his back next to me, pulling me down with him.
My Ben
. Just like I’ve always planned.

I tangle my legs in his as his hands move to the small of my back. “Are you sure?” He’s breathless and beautiful when he asks.

I don’t want to fight with myself anymore. I won’t fight with a wish coming true. I study Ben’s face, and I want what he makes me feel—settled and committed and safe. Since Justine, I can’t feel those things without Ben. I hear myself say, “Yes.”

“I love you, Jules,” he says.

Then we hear her.

“No!” It’s Pooja. Ben stops kissing me and looks at me wide-eyed.

“NO!”

With the second scream, we spring into action. We throw on our shirts and run to room four.

I pound on the door. “Pooja! Are you okay? Open the door!”

Megan opens her door and joins us in the hallway with her pepper spray. “What’s going on? Is that Pooja?”

Ben jiggles the doorknob. “Did you hear anything inside?”

“No, just the screams,” Megan says.

Ben puts his face near the door. “Pooja, open the door.”

Pooja sobs and screams, “No!” again.

I bang as hard as I can. “Pooja! You’re scaring us!”

I bounce on the balls of my feet, not sure what to do, and look at Megan. She calls through the door. “Pooja? Can you open the door for us?”

“Go around to the window,” I tell Ben.

Megan and I continue to knock on the door and beg Pooja to open up. Soon, I hear Ben banging on the window from the other side. Finally, the lock clicks open.

We enter room four and watch Pooja. Her eyes are puffy, her cheeks tear-stained.

I reach for her hands. “Pooja, what’s wrong?”

When Ben joins us, Pooja locks the door behind him and sits on Rocco’s bed. She runs her hands through her hair and pulls her knees to her chest as tears fall down her face.

“Let me get you some water.” I run down to our room and grab a bottle of water and my phone. As I jog back down the hall, I touch Rocco’s number. I hand Ben the phone and Pooja the water. Ben understands and steps into the hallway.

While Ben’s out of the room, Pooja says, “Remember when I told you I was wrong once about someone?” I nod. “I think he’s coming here.”

“What? Who?” Megan’s eyes widen as she looks back and forth between us.

Ben comes back in, holding my phone with Rocco on speaker. “What’s going on, Pooh?” Even over the speaker, I can hear the concern in Rocco’s voice.

Pooja’s voice quivers as she talks. “A few summers ago, in San Diego, there was a boy. We were both camp counselors. I thought he was decent even though I couldn’t really see his colors. We started dating. I wasn’t into it, so I broke it off. He was angry. Still, I couldn’t read him, and I didn’t think anything of it. Camp ended, I moved back home.”

Pooja takes a sip of water. Her hands shake, so I help her.

“Weird things started to happen. I figured he was stalking me. He followed me, monitored me…once he put a camera in my bedroom.”

“Son of a bitch,” Rocco says. I imagine the veins in his neck throbbing.

Pooja continues, “My family pressured him to leave me alone, and I thought it had stopped. Even so, the next summer I stayed away from camp. I thought he was over it, but I didn’t want to take chances. Then, after the summer before my senior year, he contacted me.” Tears fall down Pooja’s face.

“What happened, Pooja?” Rocco asks.

Pooja takes a deep breath. “He sent me a letter. I ignored it. I was able to stay safe, at first.”

I shake my head. “At first? What do you mean, ‘at first’?”

Pooja trembles and Ben puts his arm around her. “At first he just took me,” she says.

“He kidnapped you?” Ben’s voice is calm, but he gets louder as he becomes more and more upset. I reach for his shoulder.

Rocco, on the other hand, does not hold back. “Motherfucker. Where did he take you?”

Pooja exhales. “The first time he took me to the desert and left me. Came back a couple hours later. He was trying to scare me. It worked. I spent the rest of the summer in India with my family.”

“The first time?” Rocco asks. “There was a second time?”

“I can’t talk about it. The only things that matter is he’s here, and he’s found me again.”

I tense but try to stay calm. “Here? Like, in New Jersey?”

“Just now. The dream. I had a dream. He’s here. I know it. He found me.”

“Pooja?” I move closer. “What did he do to you the second time?”

“Just…bad stuff, Juliet.” Pooja stares at the bed in front of her.

“You can tell us.”

Pooja looks at me then Ben, Megan, and the phone. “The second time he was able to get to me, he took me back into the desert. I begged him not to leave me there, but he wasn’t trying to scare me. I’d had my warning. This time he beat me up and tried to rape me.”

Megan gasps. “Oh my God.”

I stare at Pooja, believing her but hoping it’s not true. My head spins. I think I may pass out. I’d lost Justine to a similar story.

“Oh, Pooh,” Rocco whispers through the speaker.

I grab her free hand and hold it to my chest. When Justine was taken, she never came home. She never got the chance to tell her story, unlike Pooja who’s so alive and vibrant.
I would have never guessed…

Megan’s white as a sheet, and Ben puts his arm around her. “Oh my God,” she says again.

Pooja shakes her head and sits up, pulling back her shoulders and looking us in the eye. She seems stronger now that she’s said the words aloud. “I summoned all the energy I could and fought back. I kicked him off, and while he was on the ground I kicked him again, right in the face. Then I got into his car and drove to the police station. I left
him
there that time.”

“Thank God you got away,” Megan whispers, shaking her head.

“What did the cops do?” Rocco asks.

“At first, they accused me of stealing the car.”

My jaw drops. “Are you kidding me?”

“When I told them what had happened, they called it a prank by a spiteful boyfriend. They asked me if I wanted to file a restraining order. I did, then my family sent me back to India to recover, mentally and physically. I finished senior year at a private school under high security. My family told me the situation was taken care of."

“What does that mean?” Ben asks.

“Honestly, my family is very powerful in my community. I thought it meant that he was dead.”

“Maybe he
is
dead. Call your parents. Now.” I hand Pooja the phone. She takes it but doesn’t call.