Shelter (14 page)

The proudest smile Elias had ever seen spread across Caden’s face. It was the face he had always expected from his mom whenever he aced a test in elementary school. She had never bat an eyelid because Ellie’s score was always guaranteed to be better. Elias always felt like a spare and that his mom put all of her legacy eggs into Ellie’s basket. Caden looked at Elias like he was the only thing in the world that mattered. He had looked at him like that ever since they’d first met. At first, he had thought it was patronizing but he liked it.

“You’ll be a great something,” Caden leaned his head against the back of the couch, “we’ll figure it out. Something will naturally fit you.”

“We’ll see,” Elias had never been exceptionally good at anything, except fucking up –
If fucking up was a job, I’d be the boss in no time.

“I feel like that too. We all do. I’m doing this job to pay my mom back. I want to write, but I don’t have the balls. I’m scared to fail so I don’t try.”

“Let’s try together. I’ll get my diploma and you can finish your book. Deal?”

Elias held his hand out and Caden looked down at it, scared to make such an unbreakable promise on something he clearly didn’t believe in. He accepted the handshake nonetheless, even if it was a little shaky.

They spent the rest of the afternoon discussing potential jobs for Elias and potential book titles for Caden. They didn’t have sex and they didn’t need to. When they weren’t enjoying each other’s bodies, they were enjoying each other’s minds and that relieved Elias. He wondered if the amazing sex had clouded things and Caden would realize what a mistake he had made, but he stuck around until he needed to get ready to leave for Ellie’s. When he left, he kissed Elias so deeply on the step of his apartment, it made him wish they’d spent their afternoon doing other things, as well as talking.

“Can I see you tomorrow?” Elias asked.

“I’d already counted on it,” Caden bit heavily into his still moist lips.

Elias didn’t go back into his apartment until he couldn’t see Caden anymore. He folded his arms and stared up at the blue sky. It wasn’t until the baker appeared to toss some bags in the trash that he realized how strange he looked. The baker glared at him through slits, his face covered in flour and sweat. Already missing Caden’s company, he headed up to his apartment, with no idea what he was going to do.

***

Caden’s mom found it hilarious that he had agreed to babysit, making the same comparisons to teenagers that Elias had. His dad commented that it wasn’t that different to his day job, which they both took offense to. His mom assumed he was doing it for the money and she told him he could cancel to free up his evening but he said he didn’t mind. His mom assumed that he would spend the evening with them, watching some cop show on TV until one or all of them fell asleep from the suffocating heat of the log burning fire. Eventually, she was going to notice him spending a lot of time out.

Ellie’s house was nice, so nice that he had to check the address twice to make sure he had the right place. It was in a part of town that he walked past every day after high school, marveling at the beautiful buildings, set back in their own lavish gardens, all encased in an ornate, wrought iron fence. He even had to buzz to be let through the gate. As he walked towards the front door where Ellie was already waiting for him, handbag on her arm and scarf around her elbows, he wondered how a set of twins from the same mother could have such drastically different lives.

“You’re early,” she smiled, “and so am I. John’s at the restaurant already. Had to go straight after work. All the numbers are on the fridge and eat whatever you want. The nice wine’s in the cellar, so help yourself. Kobi’s bedtime is eight but he might be restless because I’m not here so if he can’t sleep, warm cookies and milk usually work. If they don’t, well, I guess he can stay up, but no later than nine-thirty. Got that? Nine-thirty? If it’s any later he’ll be Damien from The Omen in the morning and I’m doing the school run. We shouldn’t be too late. Midnight at the
latest
. We’re both working and - ,”

“Have a nice time!” Caden nodded, practically pushing her out of the door, her spicy and floral perfume filling the hall.

She looked at him, as though she was about to start rambling again but she quickly turned on her heels and headed for the gate, an excited and girlish spring in her step.

Caden kicked off his sneakers, feeling rather underdressed for the house. It was big, bigger than anything a Havenmoore doctor could afford, which made him wonder what John did for a living. Pulling his canvas bag over his head, he followed the sound of cartoons as he checked his watch. He had an hour and a half to entertain Kobi before attempting to get him off to bed. He had looked after Becca plenty of times to know that it could go one of two ways. Kobi would be eager to show Caden how well behaved he was and he would happily go to bed at the asked time, maybe trying to push his luck by asking for cartoons in bed, or, he would point blank refuse, he would draw on the walls, set fire to the cat and become ‘
Damien from The Omen
’ twelve hours earlier than scheduled.

Kobi was sitting cross-legged in front of the TV, watching a brightly colored Japanese style cartoon. It wasn’t in English but it had subtitles. His head bobbed along and he seemed to be following what was going on. He looked up warily at Caden, before looking back to the gigantic TV screen that was so big it was practically a cinema-size but it still didn’t fill the vast room with the impossibly high ceiling.

Perching on the edge of the sofa, Caden waited for Kobi to approach him, not wanting to force anything. By the time of the first commercial break, he was glancing over his shoulder with curiosity and by the second, he decided to wander over to stare at Caden from the sofa’s arm.

“I remember you,” he said, “you were with my Uncle Elias at the Lobster Festival.”

Caden had almost forgotten about that. It always surprised him how freakishly good kids memories were. He wondered if it was because they had less things to worry about. Did bills, work, money and relationships cloud your memory, making you forget how great it was when you were younger?

“You did. What’s this you’re watching?”

“Anime,” he said, rather proud, “it’s my favorite. Well, my new favorite. Mommy says I change my mind too much but Daddy says I’m entitled to. It’s from Japan. Sometimes the voices are in English but they never match the mouths so I don’t mind reading the words on the bottom.”

“How do you keep up? I keep losing track.”

“It’s really easy,” he boasted, “I can read really fast. My teacher said so.”

He was a couple of years older than his niece but he still had that childlike wonder that you always hope they don’t lose when puberty hits.

“Do you like to read?”

“Sometimes. If Mommy gives me her tablet, I read books on that but she doesn’t always let me because she says she’s shopping.”

“What about real books?”

Kobi shrugged, a slight look of confusion on his face. He wanted to make a remark about ‘
kids these days
’, but he knew how old that would make him sound and feel.

“Daddy says they’re useless,” Kobi added, “he says they’re dust collectors and our cleaner, Helena is allergic to dust. That’s what Mommy said. She said she must be allergic to dust because she never cleans under the bed.”

Caden held back the laughter as Kobi spelled out his parents’ relationship, not understanding what he was actually saying.

“I love books. I love the smell.”

“What do they smell like?” Kobi scrunched up his face.

Zipping open the bag that held his laptop and the current book he was reading, he plucked out the thick copy of
The Bone Clocks
by David Mitchell. Opening it in the middle, he inhaled the ink and wood pulp that always brought him comfort, even if he didn’t know why. He offered it to Kobi, who gave it a quick sniff. He didn’t seem as impressed.

“Smells like words,” he shrugged, “are you Uncle Elias’ friend?”

Just hearing Elias’ name made Caden miss him. They’d only been apart for a couple of hours but he couldn’t help but think that they’d be together now if he hadn’t offered to babysit.

“We are friends,” he nodded, deciding if Caden didn’t understand the true nature of their relationship, a six-year-old wouldn’t, “I like him a lot.”

“I like him too,” he looked sad, “but Mommy says I can’t see him because he’s sick and Daddy says that he’s a waste of space and a drain on society.”

The words fell out of his mouth without the weight John probably originally said them with. He felt sorry for Kobi because he wouldn’t understand the real reason he couldn’t see his uncle. He was being punished, deprived of somebody who loved him and even though it was Elias’ fault, Kobi wouldn’t get that until he was older. Caden hoped before that happened, everything would be fixed and they’d be able to make new, happy memories. Caden was going to make sure of that.

“When can I see him?”

“Soon.”

“You promise?”

Why did I say soon?

“Hopefully,” Caden’s smile was weak.

“That’s not the same thing,” Kobi scowled, “A promise, you have to put your little finger out and then if you break that promise, your finger falls off and a carrot grows in its place. That’s what Sammie Harris said and Sammie Harris is always right about these things.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

Kobi held out his little finger but Caden couldn’t promise. He was sure, so sure that Elias was on the right path now, but he couldn’t speak for Ellie. From what he could figure out, her husband, John, didn’t like Elias at all.

“Your show is back on,” Caden nodded to the TV, hoping to be able to get some of his book written after spending all afternoon telling Elias that he could do whatever he set his mind to.

“I’ve seen this one before,” he shrugged, jumping up on the couch next to Caden, “it’s my birthday next week. I’m having a party. Are you coming?”

“I don’t think I’m invited.”

“I’ll invite you,” Kobi shrugged, leaning his head against his hand as he let out a wide yawn, “I’m allowed to bring ten friends and no more. Mommy is bringing loads of her friends even though it’s my birthday. Daddy isn’t coming because he’s working. He’s a lawyer so he’ll be in the courts with the Judge and the Judy.”

“You mean Jury?”

Kobi shrugged and yawned again, his eyelids flickering. It wasn’t even half past seven and he was already falling asleep. Caden half hoped Kobi would stay awake to distract him from having to work on his book.
Coward
.

“I asked if I could have Uncle Elias as one of my friends but Mommy said he wasn’t a friend and Daddy said if he came he’d call the police because of what happened last time but I thought it was really funny when he fell asleep in my cake. We all laughed about it at school and everybody thought he was the best uncle ever.”

“You really miss him, huh?”

Kobi nodded again but he didn’t speak. He sunk deep into the back of the sofa, making it look huge. It only took a couple of minutes of the colorful cartoons for his eyes to close and only another couple for his chest to softly rise and fall. Scooping him up in his arms, Caden carried him upstairs. Luckily for him, Kobi’s bedroom was labeled out of the many white doors on the landing. His bedroom was filled with toy boxes but it was starkly neat and tidy for a little boy’s bedroom. Placing him gently on the bed, he looked down at his flickering lids, noticing how much he really did look like his uncle. He wondered if this is what Elias would have looked like when he was a kid. He imagined Elias that age, living in a house very similar, wondering why his mom wouldn’t hug him or why his sister had more brains. Closing the curtains and flicking on the night light that projected stars on the ceiling, he left Kobi to his dreams, knowing that he would wake up in the morning refreshed, probably not remembering that anybody but his parents had been there the night before.

When he was back downstairs, he watched the cartoon for a couple of minutes but the constant flashing commercials advertising crazy toys and movies he didn’t want to see soon started to irritate him. He flicked through the channels, most of which were blocked.
Why didn’t I ask for the parental code?
Glancing to the shiny white surface of the laptop that poked out of his bag, he flicked off the TV, knowing that he would have to face it eventually.

He was greeted by a picture of him and Finn, standing in front of the Disneyland Castle as his screensaver. It was the vacation of a lifetime and it cost them both most of their tiny savings. Looking at the happy smiling faces, he could almost forget that they spent most of the vacation arguing and they flew home a day early. After he quickly changed the wallpaper, he navigated his way into his messy folders and found the manuscript. The second it opened, he felt guilty for not working on it. The word count told him that he had gotten thirty thousand words into the book.
Pathetic
. Scrolling slowly to the bottom of the document, he started reading where he had left off, hoping it would jog his memory.
This is trash
. Paragraph by paragraph, he scrolled up, reading it out of sequence and deleting each paragraph.
Did I write this?
Wondering why he had ever tried to write a fantasy book, he closed the document and opened a new page. When his fingers started typing, he didn’t know what he would write about but when he was taken to a New York apartment on a bright afternoon, he soon knew where it was going. When he got to the part where the main character, Haden, caught his boyfriend, Glynn, in bed with his best friend, Ant, he stopped writing and slammed the laptop shut, angry that his brain had recycled that memory. Nobody would want to read that.
I don’t even want to read that
. The letter from Finn was still burning a hole in his back jeans pocket. He had toyed with it all night, unable to open it. He had held it up to the light, hoping he would be able to make out something but he couldn’t. A small part of him wanted to hear the feeble and pathetic excuses but another part knew it would only make him angry. At first, he had had no idea why he had even written a letter but then he remembered how he had been refusing to log into any social media and how he had changed his cell number. Pulling out his phone, he scrolled through the contacts before selecting one and pressing it into his ear.