Shelter (11 page)

“It doesn't change anything,” Caden whispered, “you and me can't happen.”

“But, I-,”

“I'm your support worker!” Caden almost shouted, “I should never have let it get to this situation. I just wanted to help you. That's all. Just to help.”

Elias’ dark eyes danced all over Caden’s body. He braced himself for a punch, knowing that if Elias did lash out at him, he deserved it.
Do it, I won’t duck
. His fists clenched by his side and Caden readied himself, but the fist didn’t meet Caden, it met the wall. There was a crack and a split, but it wasn’t the wooden panels, it was Elias’ knuckles. Blood spurted from the fresh cuts and Caden wanted nothing more than to swoop in and help.

“Why did you do that?”

“Because! There’s so much I want to say, but I – I don’t know how. I’m not good at this talking thing. I can’t get the thoughts from in
here
,” he tapped a finger on the side of his head, “to come out of my mouth. Not in the
right
way. Not ever.”

“I’m sorry, I -,”

“When you didn’t turn up this morning,” Elias carried on, “I was so angry. I even cleaned up, ready for you. When I saw your mom, I felt like you’d just given up on me. It sounds so childish, this is why I never say what I think, what I feel. I just –
ugh
– I just wanted to see
you
. That’s all I wanted to do this morning. I didn’t want to score, I didn’t want to drink, I just wanted to see you. To talk, to fix things, to -,”

Stopping himself, Elias looked up to the sky and let out a small laugh. Caden could feel that Elias was wondering why he was even trying. Caden was just another person full of false promises and he couldn’t believe he had done that to somebody so fragile.
Can’t you see the hurt you’re already causing?

“I wanted to see you too,” Caden stepped forward, “but that’s why I couldn’t come. You’re in a place in your life right now, and whatever this is, it can’t happen.”

“What place? This is the longest I’ve been clean since I was a kid.”

It was Caden’s turn to feel like he couldn’t get the right words out of his mouth; the words to make Elias see that a kiss and whatever that kiss would lead to wasn’t a good idea for either of them. Drugs, ex-boyfriends, rebounding and secrets weren’t the foundations for a new life, for either of them. Havenmoore was supposed to have been a break away from the complications but it was only creating more. Looking deep into Elias’ eyes, he felt selfish for even wanting to push him away, even if he knew it was the right thing to do.

“You’ll be better without me,” Caden looked to the ground, “this is too complicated, for both of us. I’ll be your friend, but I can’t be any more than that.”

The muscles in Elias’ jaw tightened and his brows furrowed so deeply, his eyes were nothing more than shadows. He lingered, looking like there was something important and painful on the end of his tongue. Instead of speaking, he broke away, clutching his hand.

“Elias, you can come inside to get your hand -,”

A bloody middle finger over the shoulder shut Caden up. He watched as Elias ignored the gate to jump over the fence before setting off at a sprint along the road.

If this is the right thing to do, why does it feel so wrong?

Lingering outside of the doctor’s office, Elias hid in the shadows, pulling his hood over his head. It had been days since he had confronted Caden but he was still in his system. Lust was a stronger drug than Elias had ever experienced and the withdrawal from the thrill was the hardest cold turkey he had ever attempted.

If he understood it, it would be easier to explain away. On the surface, it was one kiss from a man he barely knew, but when he started to dig, it was a blur. A blur of bright colors, wild ideas and crazy notions he had never had before. It was akin to insanity and nothing numbed it.

He watched as Ronda headed out, pulling her purse tightly over her shoulder. She looked around before ducking into her car and driving off. The lights were still on inside so he knew his sister was still in there. He thought about waiting for her to come out but what he wanted was in there with her. Pulling the hood lower over his eyes, he slid through the door silently.

The waiting area was completely dark, aside from a light above the desk highlighting the different posters. At the end of the corridor, a bright light beamed from beneath his sister’s door. He had no way of knowing that she would still be there but she had a habit of always being the last out of the building at the end of the night.

“Sorry, we’re closed,” she mumbled when the door opened.

When he closed the door, she looked up from her paperwork and jumped back in her chair when she saw her brother’s face. The bright bulb in her lamp burned his eyes as he pulled his hood back.

“What do you want?” she looked down to her paperwork, “I’m not giving you anymore of those pills, if that’s why you’re here. Make an appointment with another doctor and go through the motions like everybody else.”

She was already starting on the attack but he knew he could work around that. She would have to listen to him. This time was different, surely she could see that?

“Nice to see you too,” he forced a smile but he didn’t feel like smiling.

“Stop the niceness, Elias,” she arched her brows as she scribbled away, “dilated pupils, bags under the eyes, oily hair and skin, it doesn’t take a genius to work out what’s happened here.”

“I’m not using,” he stepped forward, “I swear I’m not using.”

Pinching between her eyes, she laughed softly, shaking her head with disappointment.

“Why should I -,”

“I swear on Kobi’s life, I haven’t touched anything. No coke, no alcohol, nothing. I want to, so bad, but I haven’t.”

Ellie dropped her pen and leaned back in her chair to assess her brother’s face again. He yanked back the patient chair and sat on the edge of it, his fingers scrambling together frantically as his tongue probed the metal in his lip. He wasn’t helping his case. He knew he looked like shit.

“You’ve sworn on his life before,” she sighed heavily, “it’s a miracle he hasn’t dropped down dead a dozen times with an uncle like you.”

“I swear,” he said, “I promise you. I just can’t sleep.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t.”

“Because you’ve been snorting coke all week and your mind won’t shut up?”

Elias had done that enough times to know that’s how he looked. After enough of the drug, you eventually stop getting tired and become a walking zombie, only semi present. This time was different.

“I haven’t touched it since I left rehab, I -,” he swallowed hard, “it’s different.”

“Make an appointment if you have nothing to hide,” she got back to her paperwork, “I’m not losing my job for you.”

If he could have, he would. He wasn’t allowed any prescribed medication until he had finished his follow up and that could last for months depending on his drug tests. Even if she would never believe him, he hated putting his problems on her. It just showed how stuck he was.
I always end up here, begging for her help, pleading to the tiny part of her that can’t say no.

“I just need something to sleep,” he pleaded, “I just want to sleep. I just need to sleep.”

As the words left his lips, his thick and dry lids batted in a rhythmic fashion. Sitting in his sister’s office made him feel like he could sleep at any moment but he knew the second those lids dropped, they’d spring right back open again with no idea how to process the swirling thoughts in his mind.

“What about those other pills I gave you? They should help you sleep.”

“They don’t. They just make me restless and they make my skin itch. I just want to sleep.”

Elias was starting to feel like a broken record.

“What’s happened to you? I thought you were past this stage. Are you still withdrawing? You can’t be, not now.”

I’m withdrawing from something.

“It’s complicated.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she shrugged, “maybe it’s time you started telling me your problems instead of expecting me to just hand over the stuff.”

It was the last thing he wanted to do. He felt weak.
I am weak
. Why couldn’t he understand the pain in his chest or the thoughts in his own mind?
One kiss
. It meant nothing to Caden.
You’re just a mistake
.

“I kissed someone.”

Ellie frowned in disbelief before a smile tickled her nude painted lips, “Is that all?”

“I told you, it’s complicated.”

“Welcome to the real world, brother,” she almost seemed relieved, “I’m not giving you anything. You need to ride this one out. Us normal people don’t medicate ourselves up to the eyeballs every time we want to avoid facing our problems. Face them, because I’m all out.”

“Please, I -,”

He slapped his hands on her desk, immediately regretting it when he saw the bloody mess he had turned the knuckles on his right hand into. Ellie’s eyes caught it before he could pull them away.

“I punched a wall,” he said before she asked, “I was angry, okay?”

“Is that going to solve it?”

“No?”

“Did it make you feel better?”

“Not really?” they still hurt.

“Who was it?”

Could he tell her? Should he tell her? Did she know that he wasn’t attracted to the opposite sex? Had she always known? Ellie had always avoided talking about relationships and love with him but he had never known if that was because of the awkwardness it would present or just because she had no interest to discuss such things with her brother. Caden was the first person he had officially come out to and it was hardly the joyful and freeing experience the movies painted it to be.

“Nobody. It doesn’t matter. It’s not going anywhere.”

She pursed her lips tightly, resembling their mother in a flash. Ellie was racking her large brain for a possible suspect but they hardly moved in the same circles.

“Ice cream helps,” she shrugged, “and chocolate.”

“For real?” he scooted even further to the edge of the seat, “I’ve barely slept in three days and you’re prescribing ice cream?”

“The sugar picks you up. It’s called comfort eating. That’s what normal people do.”

“I’m clearly not a normal person, am I?”

“Have a bath, listen to music, cry, call them, watch a sad movie, get it out of your system. You’ll feel fine. You’ll get over it. You’re not the first person to go through this.”

Feeling like he was getting nowhere with his sister, he collapsed back in the chair, closing his eyes heavily. For a second, he felt like he could actually fall asleep but the familiar feeling of falling took over him and he jolted back to reality.

“I’ve never liked somebody before,” Elias muttered, almost to himself, “I never thought I could.”

“Just tell me who it was. I won’t judge.”

He almost did. She had been keeping things gender neutral and her eyes were open and kind.
I can’t
,
not like this
.

“Ice cream?” he stood up, “Will any flavor work?”

“Chocolate Brownie is my favorite,” a soft smile tickled her lips.

Feeling beat, Elias headed towards the door, wondering if even talking about it had made him feel better. Maybe it was a good thing that she wouldn’t give in to him so easily?
Maybe this is what I need.

“Elias, I’m sorry,” the words sounded alien leaving her mouth.

“Why?”

“For jumping to conclusions. The brother I know would have cracked under the pressure. I think I need to get to know this new one better.”

Hand gripping the handle, he felt a little warmth enter his heart. Turning, he smiled and she smiled back. The twin bond was still there, under it all.

“Me too,” he nodded his thanks and they didn’t need to speak to know what the other was thinking.

Pulling his hood over his hair, he headed out into the chilly night. Bars and restaurants buzzed around the town square as Havenmoore’s nightlife started to kick in, but all Elias could think about was putting his sister’s sugar theory to the test.

***

“Are you sure everything is okay with you?” Caden’s mom asked for what he was sure was the tenth time that day, “Ever since – well – you’ve been acting a little strange. Has Finn called? Has he said something to you?”

Caden slammed the laptop shut, his word count no different to what it had been two hours ago when he had finally dug the dreaded machine from one of his bags.

“Finn hasn’t called,” standing up, he pulled off his t-shirt and pulled on a crisp shirt, “I’m fine, honest.”

“People who are fine don’t keep saying ‘
I’m fine
’,” she folded her arms in the doorway of his bedroom.

“Stop asking me if I’m fine then,” he buttoned up the white shirt.

“How are you and Mary getting along?” she seemed to be totally unaware that Mary was part of the problem.

“We’re great,” he lied, “I think she’s starting to trust me.”

“Mary? Trusting you? Are you sure she is not just –
never mind
. I’m sure you’re great at what you do. I don’t know how you and this Elias kid got along, but it’s like pulling teeth.”

“How is he?” he asked a little too quickly.

“He’s hard to read,” she sent a long, red nail into her pulled back hair, “he’s always on edge. It’s so hard to even talk to him. One word answers, grunts. I think he just needs more time.”

“Yeah, more time,” he agreed, hoping that time would make things easier.

His mom left him to finish getting dressed and after a quick spritz of aftershave he was heading into town with his mom where they were meeting the rest of the family for his dad’s birthday meal in a new restaurant next door to Bruce’s bar. It was a little more upmarket than where they’d usually go and his dad insisted that it was completely unnecessary to make such a fuss over his sixty-third birthday, but Bruce insisted. He was trying to build up a good relationship with his new business neighbors and he had been promised a healthy discount off the price of the meal.

They pulled up outside of the restaurant, where Bruce and his dad were already chatting over a shared cigarette. The cigarette was quickly thrust back into Bruce’s fingers when he noticed them jumping out of the car. If his mom noticed that he had been sharing, after quitting nearly ten years ago, she wasn’t mentioning it. It was his birthday after all; he would just probably pay for it in the morning.

Before they headed inside, Bruce pulled Caden to one side and started to quiz him about Elias and if everything was okay. Caden had become an expert at smiling through the pain and he made sure to let his brother know that everything was fine and moving in the right direction.

“Welcome to
Buffitos
,” a charming and handsome young man greeted them all at the door, “table for Buster? Right this way. Some of your guests are already here.”

Lucy and Becca were already sitting patiently at the table. Lucy was going over the menu while Becca scribbled delicately over a coloring sheet, her tongue poking out of the side. When they all sat, Caden chose his place next to Becca very carefully. She was probably the only one on the table who wasn’t going to start quizzing him about his love life or complicated situation.