Shelter (8 page)

Elias almost didn’t want to turn around but the face that the gold tooth belonged to was staring directly at the back of his head. He didn’t need to look in the reflection to know that; he could feel it.

Elias dropped the change back into his pocket and headed across the road, “How did you find me?”

Rigsy beamed sinisterly, his arm hanging out of the car. His dark complexion was soft and smooth, giving no indication of how much stuff he snorted.

“I wasn’t looking for you,” Rigsy smirked, “I was just – in the area. I saw you and couldn’t resist following to see your new pad. Nice. Looks a little small. Cozy, right?”

“Get out of here, Rigsy,” Elias crossed his arms across his chest, “I don’t want what you’re selling.”

“Who said I was selling?” Rigsy’s laugh was so charismatic, soothing almost, “Maybe you’re not the only one who’s turned over a new leaf.”

From the designer watch glittering on his wrist Elias couldn’t quite believe that. Elias and Rigsy went way back. Never quite becoming friends, but always there to give each other what they needed. Now that Elias didn’t want what Rigsy was offering, he wasn’t sure where they stood with each other.

“I have somewhere I need to be,” Elias pointed over his shoulder.

“Get in,” Rigsy’s voice darkened.

Elias didn’t want to but he knew Rigsy well enough to know that the charming smile plastered across his lips was a façade. Scratch the surface and you find out how dangerous he really was. After a deep breath, Elias was in the passenger seat, staring dead ahead at the road as they drove slowly around Havenmoore.

An eerie silence filled the car until they found themselves in a dark alley, crammed between the town hall and the library. Being that close to his mother’s place of work made Elias even more on edge than usual.

“Have you missed me?” Rigsy smirked.

“I can’t say I have.”

Reaching out, Rigsy cracked open the glove box. When Elias saw the piles of tiny white bags, his mouth watered and his skin itched for it. He tried to look away but he was transfixed. Rigsy fished out a bag, his hand rubbing against Elias’ thigh on the way back. The bag slapped on the inside of his legs and he almost jumped out of his seat.

“What about this? Have you missed this?” he dangled the bag in front of Elias’ face.

Gulping hard, Elias shook his head, a cold sweat erupting. He wanted to reach up to wipe it away but he found his hand frozen by his side, unable to move and unable to look away.

“I – I -,”

“There’s no need to make this any harder for yourself,” Rigsy whispered darkly, “we both know this is just a blip. I know you enough to know how much you want this.”

Elias blinked but he couldn’t open his eyes again. In the darkness he saw Kobi’s face, his scruffy black hair hanging loosely over his eyes so that he was looking under it.
Not just looking under it, looking up to me.
Behind Kobi, he saw Ellie, the familiar disappointment on her face. To his surprise, he saw Caden too. The man who didn’t know him but seemed to care so much about helping. His stomach churned.
I’m not this strong.

“I have no money,” Elias choked on the words, hoping the excuse would diffuse the situation.

A dark and coarse chuckle escaped Rigsy’s throat, followed by the metal crunch of a zipper, “When have I ever asked you for money?”

Elias swallowed hard, his eyes slowly opening. Rigsy’s cock was already swollen as it jutted out through his jeans. Elias has seen it a million times because he had always done what he needed to do to get what he wanted. Sometimes he enjoyed doing it and sometimes it was a chore he would rather have finished. As Elias stared at it, watching it throb and twitch, he felt terror unlike anything.

“I can’t.”

“You know you want it,” he gripped his huge cock at the base, “you know you want both of them.”

Dropping the bag next to his cock, he left it there as temptation. In ten minutes, he could have the bag and he could be locked in his bathroom, ready to escape everything. But what happens after that? What about tomorrow?

“What would your girlfriend say?” Elias attempted to laugh.

“Nobody gives head like you, boy,” Rigsy’s huge tongue ran across his lips, “that’s why I’ve kept you around.”

Elias found himself leaning in towards it, like an old habit rising comfortably to the surface. Face to face with it, his tongue ran shakily across his lips, resting on the lip ring. It would be so easy. Darting down to the bag, he felt the most uncomfortable stab of pain deep inside. Suddenly, he had a conscience.

“I can’t do this,” his hand was already on the door handle, “leave me alone, Rigsy.”

Before he could be tempted further, Elias jumped out of the car and sprinted into the dark depths of the alley. Hiding behind a dumpster, he waited until he heard the roar of Rigsy’s engine before he dared leave. He walked out to the other side of town before doubling back to his apartment, changing direction every couple of minutes. It took him nearly an hour to get back to the bakery but when he slipped into the peace and quiet of his empty apartment, he had never felt so happy to be home.

Without hesitation he grabbed his cellphone and headed straight for the piece of paper attached to the front of the fridge.

***

“Where’s Uncle Finn?” Becca traced her finger along the edge of Caden’s light beard.

“Oh, erm, he’s -,”

“He’s in New York,” Lucy, Caden’s sister-in-law jumped up, scooping Becca from Caden’s lap, “stop asking Uncle Caden so many questions.”

Caden mouthed his thanks to her as she planted her in front of the TV, where she was quickly engrossed in the brightly colored cartoon on the screen. Caden didn’t know how to start explaining something so serious to a five-year-old. She had spent the last twenty minutes talking about what her first couple of days in the first grade were like, pausing to ask awkward questions.

“She’s too nosey for her age,” Lucy laughed, “she takes after your mother. You want another coffee?”

“Sure,” Caden held out the empty cup.

Lucy grabbed the cup and disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Caden sitting with Becca in their cozy den. Expensive furniture was covered in toys and books, giving it a messy family home feeling Caden knew he would never have for himself. He had been stupid enough to start talking about kids with Finn and they’d both seemed excited about the idea.
Maybe I was blind to it
. Staring at the back of Becca’s flame red hair, he started to doubt that he would ever be that guy.

“Are you going to talk about him?” Lucy sat down next to him, handing him another coffee, “You’ve been here for an hour and you haven’t mentioned him.”

“I was hoping you wouldn’t notice,” he slurped the hot coffee.

He had only dropped by to spend time with somebody who wasn’t his parents. He loved them but he was already growing tired of how much they fussed over him. He knew Bruce would be at the bar but he always got along with Lucy like she was his sister.

“What happened Caden?” she leaned in and sighed, “I thought you two were the real thing.”

“So did I,” Caden forced a smile, “turns out I was wrong. I caught him, y’know -,”

Caden nodded his head towards Becca, not wanting to say ‘
I caught him fucking my best friend over our bed in the middle of the afternoon
’ in front of delicate, listening ears.

“That snake,” she muttered angrily, “the pig!”

“Yep.”

“I thought he was so nice!”

“He was.”

“Nice guys don’t cheat on people like you. Any guy would be lucky to have you. You’re a saint, Caden. You’re the nicest guy I know! If you weren’t a giant homosexual, I’d be convinced I’d picked the wrong brother.”

She smirked with a wink and Caden couldn’t help but laugh. Lucy had a way with words that always managed to cheer him up. In New York, gay couples broke up every two minutes but Caden had been convinced that wasn’t going to be them. He thought he had the last decent guy in New York. Finn had always been nice, if not sometimes a little neurotic. Caden had always looked past his outbursts but he couldn’t look past the cheating. Finn swore it only happened once but there was something about how casual it had been that he was convinced it was more of a regular thing.

“Maybe I wasn’t enough for him,” Caden nursed his coffee, “Adam always had these amazing stories about the
s-e-x
he had with guys. Maybe that’s why Finn wanted him so bad.”

“If you love somebody,
all
sex is the best sex,” she whispered, obviously less concerned about Becca’s ears picking things up, “I’ve been with your brother for nearly eight years and he still has the ability to make me -,”

“Let’s not go there,” he tapped her knee, “I don’t think I can stomach hearing about my big brother in that way.”

Lucy winked again as she tucked her bright blonde hair behind her ear. Caden couldn’t explain what it felt like, not even to her.
She wouldn’t understand. She has the perfect life here. I thought I had the perfect life.

“I’m thirty this year and I have no idea where I’m going,” he muttered, “I thought I had it all figured out.”

“You’re still a baby,” she said, “there’s time to figure it out again. You might meet a nice hunk in Havenmoore who’ll sweep you off your feet.”

Caden didn’t think that was likely. He knew better than anyone how deserted Havenmoore was. It had been one of the reasons he had always dreamt of moving to The Big Apple. Growing up, he had always felt like he was the odd one out in town so the second he came out to his parents, he headed out into the world on his big gay adventure.
Maybe I settled down too quickly.

“I don’t think Havenmoore is the place for -,”

He was cut off by the vibrating of his cellphone. Fishing it out of his pocket, he stared down at the unknown caller ID uneasily. He never usually answered unknown IDs, just because they normally ended up being smarmy salesmen trying to sell him stocks, insurance and broadband. He stared at the screen, letting it ring out. He would have been happy to let the call end but something inside compelled him to answer it.

“Hello?” he said awkwardly.

“Yeah,
hi.
It’s me,” Caden instantly recognized ‘
me
’ as Elias.

A smile instantly pricked up his lips, followed by nervousness. Caden knew he wasn’t ringing for a social call about the weather.

“Everything okay, Elias?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Caden could tell it wasn’t, “I think. I don’t know. Can I see you?”

Caden paused, excitement bubbling inside. He glanced to Lucy, who was busy watching the cartoon with Becca.

“Are you busy? I knew I shouldn’t have -,”

“No, now is fine,” Caden jumped in, “I’ll text you my address.”

“Okay. See ya,” Elias hung up, an awkwardness in his voice.

Caden knew it wasn’t in Elias’ nature to reach out for help so he was nervous for what had happened but he couldn’t ignore how pleased he was that he was getting to see Elias earlier than he thought.

“Who was that?” Lucy asked.

“Just some guy.”

“Oh,” her face lit up, “some guy, eh?”

“Not like that,” he laughed it off, “I’m working with him for my mom’s charity.”

Lucy narrowed her eyes, a smirk growing across her pretty face. Caden could tell that she didn’t believe him and he wasn’t sure he believed it himself. He felt a pull towards Elias and he was finding it so hard to ignore. He wanted to say it was just the need to help but it felt like something more.
You’re only setting yourself up for trouble
.

“I need to go,” he jumped up, “thanks for the coffee.”

“Make good choices,” she called after him.

Caden headed across town with haste in his steps and a reluctant smile on his face.

Elias arrived at the address Caden had given him. Standing outside of the cute, wooden family home in the heart of town, he looked up to see signs of movement inside.
Do I call again or knock?

When he caught Caden half walking, half jogging toward him, he knew that he had ripped Caden away from something. In the time since jumping out of Rigsy’s car, he had tried to calm down as much as he could. Watching Caden hurry closer, he felt like a fool for even calling him.
I don’t need his help.

“Phew, I’m out of shape,” Caden wiped sweat from his cheeks and rearranged his light hair, “I need to start hitting the gym.”

“You were busy?” Elias bit his lip, “It’s okay, I can go -,”

“No, no! I was only with my sister-in-law and I was about to leave anyway. She was trying to open the ex-file. Your call saved me from having to rip off that Band-Aid so I should be thanking you.”

Caden unclipped the gate and headed towards the small house. It was painted white with a small American flag hanging from the porch. Vibrant flowers filled planters under the windows. It wasn’t lavish like the home Elias had grown up in but it had a feeling of home that Elias never had.

“Mom and dad are working,” Elias followed Caden into the house, “So we’ve got the place to ourselves.”

“Cool,” Elias looked around at the modestly decorated house.

On the surface, it looked exactly like the type of place he had imagined Caden would call home. He was sweet and so was the house. Caden grabbed two cans of orange soda from the kitchen and to Elias’ surprise he headed upstairs. Elias followed him to his bedroom, which looked like a nice hotel room filled with boxes and bags.

“Ignore everything,” Caden held the door open for Elias, “I’m still trying to decide what to do with this stuff. If I unpack, everything becomes real.”

Elias squeezed into the bedroom. A window over the double bed overlooked the small back yard, a chain-link fence separating it from the neighbors. Cracking open the soda, Elias perched on the edge of the bed. Caden copied, sitting on the other side.

“I thought it’d be easier if we came up here. If my mom comes home, it’ll be difficult to explain.”

“Because I’m an addict?”

“Because I’m your support worker. We’re meant to keep a professional distance, for safety reasons.”

“What makes me so special?” Elias crossed his legs on the bed, facing Caden who was leaning against the headboard, the can of soda balancing on his jeans.

“I trust you,” he shrugged, “so, what’s up?”

Elias didn’t know where to start. Even though he hadn’t, he felt like he had done something wrong. He called Caden because he felt like he had nobody else to turn to. Did he even have to tell him what had happened? Scratching the dark scruff around his mouth, he let out a deep sigh and started at the beginning.

“Wait, this guy was trying to give you free drugs?” Caden scrunched up his face, “Why?”

Elias almost mentioned their ‘
arrangement
’, but he stopped himself, “We go back.”

“But you didn’t take anything?”

“I jumped out of his car and came straight here.”

Nodding, Caden carefully sipped the soda as he thought. Elias felt like he was still so weak, even if he had turned down the one thing he craved. It didn’t make him feel any better because deep down, he was lusting after the drugs, even if he had walked away. A tiny part of him was cursing his stupidity and that was the most vocal part. It was so difficult to ignore the reasoning when the Elias he had known for so long was still very much there and wanting so badly to score.

“You did good,” Caden broke the silence, “It couldn’t have been easy.”

“It wasn’t,” he scooted up the bed to lie against the headboard next to Caden, “I wanted to do it so badly.”

“What stopped you?”

Elias wasn’t about to mention that Caden had been one of the reasons. He was tired of promising people things because for an unknown reason his promises suddenly had the ability to make him feel guilty. In rehab, they had talked about becoming the person you know you are but all Elias knew was the addict. Seeing his mom before he saw Rigsy should have tipped him over the edge, but it hadn’t.

“Lots of things,” he mumbled, “I feel guilty for being selfish. I can't get rid of this feeling. I want to go back to normal.”

“You mean, you want to start using again?”

“No, I want to stop feeling guilty.”

“So you can start using?”

“Maybe,” he grunted in frustration, “maybe not! I just feel so aware.”

“That’s good. You’re aware of what you’ve done to the people you care about. That’s progress.”

“I don't have people, not really. Not like other people do. I don't have a family like you. I don't have parents who will let me move in when things go wrong, I don't have a sister-in-law I can talk to. I just have a twin who would be happier if I left her alone and a nephew I've already screwed up. Don’t try to shrink me,” Elias turned his head, “I’m un-shrinkable.”

“I wouldn’t dare,” Caden winked back, “I just think you’re over thinking your intentions. You’ve had temptation around every corner.”

“And I’ve nearly given in so many times!”

“But you haven’t,” he said, “that’s what’s important.”

Elias knew Caden was right but it didn’t make him feel any better. He knew how close he had been to sucking Rigsy’s cock, just to score a line. Why did that make him feel so ashamed when he had done it countless times?

“I’ve never thought about the future before. I never thought I’d get to twenty-six alive. I thought I’d run out of luck by now. That sounds insane, I know, but I never put value on my life. I didn't want to be here. I didn't think I had anything to be here for but now I feel like maybe I do. Maybe there is a chance for something.”

His mind flashed back to what had sent him to rehab again. He had been alone in a back room of a Chinese takeout place, snorting line after line. Even now, he couldn’t remember how he had gotten there. All he could remember was how desperately he had been chasing that high, cutting more lines than he knew he should have. Nothing was making anything easier, so he carried on. The next thing he remembered was waking up in the hospital with Ellie by his side. That’s when the mayor got involved. The police wanted to lock him up for how much drugs were found on him. She told him that they were trying to pin him down as a dealer but dealing had never interested Elias. He always wanted to take the drugs alone. Some people took drugs socially; Elias isolated himself and did it in solitude.

“I almost died two months ago. I almost died and I didn’t even care.”

“Do you care now?”

“I haven’t thought about it,” he said, “it’s too heavy.”

“You didn’t die though. You got help and you’re still here.”

“Not intentionally,” he gulped down the soda.

“Did you want to die?” the question sounded heavy and Elias didn’t want to answer it.

With the ten-dollar bill jammed up his nostril, the thought had crossed his mind. He knew he was taking too much but he wasn’t thinking logically. Was that because he had wanted everything to just stop or because he was just too dumb to realize what he was doing?

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe it was a cry for help?”

“I don’t want help,” Elias snapped instinctively, “I don’t know why I called you. I should go.”

Elias edged towards the end of the bed but Caden’s hand on his shoulder stopped him. He squeezed firmly, freezing Elias. It gave him the same tingles it had in the doctor’s office waiting room. Shuffling backwards, he banged his head on the headboard and stared up at the fan on the ceiling.

“I want to help you, Elias,” Caden whispered, “I really do.”

“It helps that you’re being paid.”

“That’s not the point. We’re similar ages. I feel for you.”

“Feel sorry for me, more like. It’s a pity mission. You don’t have to waste your breath trying to explain it. I get it. People feel sorry for me because I’m such a loser.”

“You’re not a loser,” Caden said, “you’re just lost.”

“How do I find myself?”

“Time.”

Elias turned his head to stare at Caden and Caden did the same. He caught the glint of his piercings reflected in Caden’s pale green eyes. He smiled softly and it was genuine, not the pathetic smile people usually gave him when they were trying to help.

“Before I left for New York, I did this job for a couple of months,” Caden said softly, “I only worked with one guy. Frank, was his name. I thought I could help him but I couldn’t. He died and I couldn’t handle it so I left. It wasn’t what I really wanted to do but I felt like I owed something to him to help him, even though he was beyond help. He was in his sixties and he had been living on the streets for years. You, Elias, you can be helped. I see it in your eyes and I see how you’re trying even if you don’t want to admit you’re trying. I’m going to help you.”

“Do I not have a choice?”

“Nope,” Caden smiled, “you just need time to adjust. I know you’ve got things on your mind, but it’ll get easier. The further you get away from rehab and what you’ve been through, the easier it will get.”

Elias was touched. He didn’t know how to help himself so how was somebody else going to do it for him? Looking around the room, the boxes caught his eyes. Caden needed help too, but in a completely different way.

“It looks like we’re both burying our heads in the sand,” Elias nodded towards Caden’s stuff, “you should unpack and forget that jerk.”

“It’s not that easy,” staring down at the soda can in his hands, he smiled so sadly that it almost broke Elias’ heart, “I wish it was.”

“Looks like we’re both in the same boat,” Elias nudged Caden with his shoulder, “we both just need time.”

“Now who’s trying to shrink who?” Caden rolled his head towards Elias, “You’re not a bad guy, Elias. You’re really not.”

“You’re not either,” Elias stared down at Caden’s lips, “you deserve somebody.”

“So do you,” Caden said, “have you never dated?”

Elias suddenly looked forward uncomfortably. Cramming the soda can up to his mouth, he thought this could be his chance to come clean about his sexuality but he couldn’t say the words. If he could tell anybody, he could tell Caden, so why didn’t he want to?

“I’ve never had time,” he said, “being an addict is a full time job.”

“When you’re ready, I’ll hook you up. My brother runs a bar so he’ll know loads of girls.”

Girls
. Elias almost laughed but he didn’t correct him.

“I don’t think anybody would be interested in somebody like me.”

“Why not? You’re good looking and you’re a nice guy.”

“Why do you keep saying I’m nice? Have you ever met a nice addict?”

“That doesn’t define you. You’ve got a new start, so take it.”

Elias felt like saying the same to Caden, who was clearly staying packed because he didn’t want to admit that he was back in Havenmoore. As they sat on Caden’s bed in silence, Elias couldn’t help but think neither of them really wanted to be in Havenmoore but for some reason, they both needed to be.

“Thank you,” Elias mumbled, “for not writing me off.”

“There’s still life in you. Damn, you’re younger than me. I’m thirty before the year’s out and I’m living in my parents’ guest room.”

They laughed for a couple of seconds until their chests slowed down. Elias found his eyes darting down to Caden’s lips again. They looked so moist and inviting.
I can’t remember ever actually kissing a guy
. It was as if that urge took over him. When he found his head slowly leaning in, eyes wide and staring into Caden’s, he wanted to stop but he couldn’t.

To his surprise, Caden didn’t pull away. He didn’t lean in, he just stared at Elias, as though he was trying to understand what was happening.
Stop it, Elias!
The sound of the front door slamming made Elias pull back. Jumping off the bed, Caden headed for the door.

“Mom, is that you?” Caden called down, a shake in his voice.

“It’s just me,” she called up, “come down. I’ve picked up some lunch.”