Shelter (7 page)

“I need something,” he bit into his lip hard, “the days go so slowly. I need something to take my mind off everything.”

Caden knew trying to convince Elias about the health effects wouldn’t make a difference. He probably had people shouting those facts at him all of his life. They’d be completely meaningless, just the pleas of somebody put in a position to ‘
help
’.

“Do you not have any friends you could hang out with? What about your sister?”

Elias jumped up onto the kitchen counter, a soft smirk on his lips, “When you’re into drugs, your friends are your dealers. Take them out of the equation and you find yourself without anybody to call.”

Caden caught Elias’ eyes dart over to the fridge, but this time, his eyes landed on the piece of paper that Caden had left behind. Had Elias wanted to call Caden but felt too weird about it? Feeling his heart swell, he wanted to be that friend that Elias clearly craved. Deciding to make up his own rules, Caden threw caution to the wind, knowing that traditional methods weren’t going to work with Elias.

“Do you like lobster?”

“Lobster?” Elias’ tone was dismissive.

“The annual Maine Lobster Festival is in Havenmoore this weekend. If you’re free, we could go?”

“Together?” Elias squinted.

“It might be fun.”

Feeling his pulse increase, Caden pushed those thoughts to the back of his head. He wasn’t going to deny that he thought Elias was cute and that he wanted to be there for him but he knew that wasn’t his place. If he could be a friend to Elias and help get him through his court order clean and sober, that would fulfill him more than anything else.

“Lobster,” Elias pondered, “I can’t say I’ve ever tried it.”

“What?” Caden’s head shot back, “You live in Maine and Havenmoore’s docks are the biggest for miles around.”

“It was never a priority,” Elias shrugged.

“I won’t take no for an answer now,” he crossed his arms and rocked back on his heels, “you’re coming if you like it or not. How does Saturday sound?”

“It sounds like I don’t have much choice,” Elias laughed.

There was a carelessness and honesty in his laugh that warmed Caden. If Elias was replacing cocaine with alcohol, Caden was going to try his damn hardest to replace alcohol with friendship. He knew it wouldn’t be easy but he felt like he owed it to Elias. Not because he was an addict who’d been on death’s door, but because he knew the truth about the way Elias had been treated by his family, even if he hadn’t told Elias that.

“That’s final,” Caden clapped his hands together, “it’ll be fun.”

“If you say so,” Elias jumped down from the counter, “you’ll have to show me how to use that damn machine so I can wash a shirt.”

“I thought you didn’t want to learn?”

“Yeah, well, I guess I’ve changed my mind.”

Hardly containing the grin spreading across his face, Caden showed Elias how to use the washing machine and watched proudly as he loaded and started it. They spent the rest of the afternoon finishing the cleaning and taking the bags down to the dumpster in the alley.

When Caden felt their session had naturally come to an end, he felt like he wanted to stick around and somehow spend more time with Elias.
You can’t suffocate him. He needs his own space.

“I think that’s enough for today,” Caden reached for his jacket and bag, “I’ll let you get back to your shows.”

“Oh,” Elias mumbled, “sure.”

Was that disappointment or had Elias wanted to get rid of Caden all day? He couldn’t decide. Looking around at how clean the apartment was, Caden felt proud that he had made a difference, even if it was only a small one. He thought about the paperwork he would have to fill in and how he would have to report that he had found evidence of Elias’ drinking.

Finding his conscious battling with his morals, Caden swallowed and headed for the door, reminding himself he was there to work and help Elias. Would getting Elias into more trouble help him? Judging by his record that would only make things worse.

“Elias,” Caden turned, his hand on the doorknob, “I shouldn’t be telling you this but I have to report if I find you using any other substances, including alcohol.”

“Right,” Elias laughed, rolling his eyes, “course you do.”

“Listen. I won’t report anything if you make me a promise.”

Leaning against the couch, Elias’ eyes turned to slits as he waited for Caden to deliver his bargain.

“Just promise me that from now until Saturday you’ll try and stay sober. If you do, I’ll draw a line under your drinking until now and I won’t file it.”

Laughing coldly, Elias dropped his head as he scratched the back of his hair. Caden could feel the tension radiating from Elias’ body and he wasn’t altogether sure that he wasn’t about to punch him in the face.

“Okay,” Elias’ head shot up, “I promise I’ll try.”

“Oh. You mean that?”

“I promise I’ll try,” he repeated.

“You still have my number. If you need me, anytime of the day or night, just call me and I’ll be there.”

Elias nodded, his eyes still dark, narrow slits. That was good enough for Caden. Through the angry and tight expression on Elias’ face, he was sure he could feel something thankful trying to break through. Knowing that his work there was done, he headed down the stairs alone and out into the alley. The smell of baked goods tickled his nostrils but the feeling inside was much more satisfying. Walking home in the late afternoon sun, he started to look forward to their next meeting on Saturday, hoping that he would see a clean and sober Elias for the first time.

Elias had spent the morning staring at his four walls, tossing a ball in the air as he scratched himself at timed intervals. When he noticed those scratching intervals lining up perfectly with the frequent commercial breaks during the trashy reality TV shows, Elias had found his mind hooked on, he knew he had to get out of the house.

Only having a couple of numbers in his phone, he didn’t have much choice to get his butt out of the house. Some of those numbers would lead him into trouble so he opted for calling his sister. Caden’s digits were still attached to the fridge under a lobster magnet but Elias still didn’t feel right calling him, despite Caden’s assurance that he was there. It had only been a couple of days since he had seen him and there were only a couple of days until they were meeting at the Lobster Festival. Not wanting to seem too interested in the man who could potentially get him thrown back in rehab, he decided it was better to keep some distance. They may have shared a sexual preference but that’s as deep as Elias was willing to let the connection run.

“I can’t remember the last time you just wanted to meet for coffee,” Ellie sipped her latte, “actually, I don’t think we have ever just met for coffee. Those pills must be working.”

The pills she had given him had taken the edge off but they weren’t numbing his mind completely. Now that he was forcing alcohol out of his life too, he was suddenly so aware of everything around him. Everything was louder and more vibrant than Elias ever remembered and it was driving him crazy. Every couple of seconds the sound of the steam shooting into the milk jug behind the counter made him jump.

“I needed to get out of that apartment,” he slurped the thick, black coffee, “I can’t watch any more TV. I don’t know how normal people do it.”

“Normal people have jobs,” she said, “something you’ve dragged me away from.”

“I thought you were on a break?”

“I am,” she nodded, “you’re lucky it’s quiet today. Breaks are a luxury the residents of Havenmoore aren’t too happy to let me have these days. We need some more doctors at the office but all I keep hearing about is budget cuts. I'm going to bring it up to the state senator if he shows up to The Medical Ball in a couple of weeks. And then there’s that damn Obama Care. Don’t even get me started on that.”

When Elias started to laugh, Ellie put her coffee cup on the table and pursed her lips, shaking her jet black hair from her face.

“What’s so funny?” she demanded.

“Nothing,” he laughed, shaking his head, “it’s just weird us sitting here chatting about trivial things. It’s refreshing.”

Ellie let a smile flutter across her pursed lips for a second before reaching for her cup again. No matter what he had put her through, neither of them could ever destroy that bond they’d shared since birth. It was something only twins knew about and it couldn’t be explained. They didn’t even need to like each other that much. They were like two peas in a pod, even if one of those peas was slightly misshapen and an off shade of green.

“Have you seen mom?” Ellie dropped the question in so casually, he had to admire her approach, even if Judy James was a subject he would rather avoid.

“She dropped by for about five minutes last week,” he shrugged, “can you believe she has a key for my apartment?”

“Well, she did pay for it -,”

Elias shot his sister a ‘
don't go there
’ warning glance and she held her hands up in defeat, backing out of the conversation. Elias had never seen the point in talking about their mother. There was no resolution to be reached and there was no solution to the problem of their relationship.
What relationship
? The window of opportunity for fixing that mess had closed sometime around Elias being in fifth grade.

“How’s Kobi?” Elias headed towards the conversation Ellie didn’t want to talk about.

Just the mention of her son’s name sent Ellie’s lips pursed impossibly tight. Elias knew there was no way she was going to let him see him and he wasn’t about to ask her to.

“He’s fine,” she nodded, “he asks about you a lot.”

Elias was suddenly regretting sending the conversation in that direction. The knife of regret and guilt twisted in his stomach again. The only reason he hadn’t reached straight for his cellphone and called a dealer the second he got out of rehab was because of what Ellie had said about his nephew. That’s how it had started but it snowballed into something else; something Elias didn’t understand. It was as if there was a faint light, flickering in the distance, drawing him towards something he wasn’t sure he wanted. The darkness was still all around, ready to claim him again at any moment. For some reason, he was pulling himself through the darkness like a madman wading through taffy.

“What do you tell him?” he swallowed the lump rising in his throat.

“The same thing I’ve always told him. I tell him you’re sick but we hope you’re going to get better soon.”

The knife sunk deeper. As usual, Ellie was right. He was sick. He had been sick for so many years.

“I want to see him,” Elias blurted out.

“Impossible,” shaking her head, she blinked heavily, “not until you prove you’re clean.”

“I’m trying,” he leaned across the table, “I really am.”

Ellie finished the last of her coffee and glanced eagerly at her watch. They both knew she had nowhere to be but the hectic lifestyle as one of the town’s only doctors always gave her a backdoor to wiggle out of when the time called for it.

“For once, I believe you,” she sighed as she pushed her arms into her long, black overcoat, “but it’s not good enough. Prove you’re clean, then we’ll figure something out.”

Ellie hovered over him and Elias could tell she was trying to figure out what the appropriate farewell was. Whenever she had dragged him out of the gutter or thrown him out of her house, they’d skipped the polite goodbyes.

“See you around,” Ellie quickly leaned in, her lips lightly touching the top of his hair, “I love you.”

“You too,” he mumbled as she darted out of the quiet coffee shop.

Elias sat alone for a moment, looking around at the few people that were also drinking coffee. A couple caught his attention. Not because there was anything extraordinary about them; it was quite the opposite. The man was laughing at something the woman was saying, their eyes locked as their fingers ran up and down each other’s arms. It looked like love.
Not that I’d know what that kind of love looked like
.

Deciding he was better off at his apartment, he finished the last of his strong coffee and headed for the door. When he saw his mother on the other side of that door, a frown on her face and a cellphone pressed into her ear, he couldn’t help but think what a cruel twist of fate it was.
Why does she have to be here?

The mayor’s gaze caught his and the frown deepened. Pulling on the door, he stepped to the side, letting her inside. He couldn’t imagine what she was doing in a coffee shop on a Thursday afternoon but he didn’t want to stick around to find out. Hoping that she was too deep in her phone conversation, he stepped around her, itching for the freedom of the outdoors.

“Just a second,” she called after him, irritation in her voice, “
Brian, I’ll call you back
.”

Tossing her cellphone into the designer bag slung over her cocked arm, she crossed her stiletto topped feet, the tight pencil skirt barely moving an inch. The look on her face said ‘
well, aren’t you going to talk to your mother?
’, but Elias knew he had nothing to say to her that hadn’t already been said.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, stepping back into the coffee shop and closing the door when a group of teenagers tried to push past him, “Isn’t it beneath the mayor to grab her own coffee?”

“My assistant has food poisoning,” her dark, well-groomed eyebrows hovered low over her heavily lined, wide hazel eyes, “Why are you here? You’re not looking to score, are you?”

“In a coffee shop?” he had to laugh, “I just had coffee with Ellie.”

“Ellie?” it was her turn to laugh.

“Yes, Ellie. My twin sister. You remember her? Same stick up her ass as you? Similar haircut and the same taste in clothes that makes grown men quiver in their boots.”

His mother’s gaze darkened as they hovered awkwardly by the door. He wanted so badly to leave, if only to escape the awkwardness. Elias knew his mother as well as he knew a stranger walking by him on the street. The mother he had grown up with was always on the local news or on the front page of the newspaper. That version of his mother always had a smile on her face. Elias had always wished that version would be the one to come home at the end of the day.

“You’re not destroying that new apartment, are you?” the judgment was loud and clear in her voice.

“It’s clean. Me and Caden spent hours cleaning the other -,” Elias stopped mid-sentence, unsure of why.

“Caden?” she said, “Is that one of your friends?”

By ‘
friends
’, Elias knew she meant ‘
drug dealing scumbags who keep making my life so difficult
’.

“He’s the support worker from Helping Hands Outreach.”

“Oh.”

His mother frowned again and he was sure it was because of how casually he was talking about Caden. She wasn’t happy unless they were rubbing against each other like two pieces of sandpaper. The fact he didn’t totally hate his support worker seemed to ruffle her perfectly groomed feathers.

“Is he helping?” her red nail circled around Elias’ face.

She wants to know if I’m getting help? Ha, that’s new.

“If you mean, have I been using, I haven’t.”

“Why?” she cocked her head back.

Part of Elias was shocked that she would ask that question but another part of Elias totally expected it. Unsure of how to answer because he didn’t know himself, he took this as his signal to leave the awkward conversation.

When another wave of people opened the door and attempted to squeeze around them, he backed away with them, “I’d like to say it was nice chatting, but it never is.”

Back out in the open space, he wanted to feel his lungs open, but they didn’t. The effect his mother had on him was like being bit by a venomous snake. Just breathing in her air made every craving for every dangerous substance he had ever taken rise to the surface.

Before he headed back to his apartment, he stole a glance through the coffee shop window. He wasn’t sure if he was expecting to see his mom staring back at him, but she wasn’t. Somehow, she was already at the front of the growing line, with her cellphone sandwiched between her ear and shoulder as she struggled to pull cash out of her wallet.

Taking his time to walk across town, Elias headed down to the docks. The boats were all out at sea. It made him think about the Lobster Festival and how much he was looking forward to seeing Caden again. The excitement was foreign. He had only ever looked forward to seeing somebody when they were handing over a little bag filled with white powder. Walking slowly along the edge of the sidewalk, teetering toward the beach below, he wished he had taken the chance to tell Caden about his sexuality when the opportunity had been there.
You’re only making things more awkward for yourself.

After a quick reminder that he was a twenty-six-year-old man, he kicked an empty soda can down to the dirty colored tiny strip of sand below before turning in the direction of the bakery.

Peering through the bakery window, he looked at the display behind the counter. His stomach, which was only filled with coffee, rumbled loudly. Elias was far from being able to look after himself. Regular mealtimes and feeding himself was something he had never been good at. In rehab, you get your three meals served to you at the right time but most of the time, you’re too out of it to even care. When you’re begging on the streets for change, food is always on the bottom of the list of priorities. The rehab had worked out his welfare checks before he left but he was yet to head to a grocery store and most of the fruit and vegetables his mom had paid her assistant to fill his refrigerator with had turned rotten.

Reaching into his pocket for some change to grab a bagel, the sight of a silver car in the reflection caught his eye. For a second, he thought nothing of it, until he saw the twinkle of a gold tooth leaning out of the driver’s window.
Was that there when I walked here? No, it couldn’t have been. I would have seen it.