Shifting Gears (Crossroads Series Book 2) (18 page)

“We’re friends,” Landon replied.

“Friends who fuck.” Landon didn’t respond. He was still looking at Rod like he wasn’t sure who he was. It made him want to turn away, to hide, but he forced himself to return Landon’s stare. To show him there wasn’t anything more to Rod than what was on the surface. Finally, when there was no response, Rod added, “We can just keep going the way we are. Hang out, get off. That’s really all there is to do.”

“Yeah…” Landon said softly. “Yeah, that’s what I thought too, but…fuck, hearing you talk earlier? That shit you said about your dad? About who you are? It nearly fucking ate me alive. I wanted to
fix
it when I’ve never wanted to fix something for someone before.”

Rod got it. Of course he would pity him when he gave him part of a sob story. Poor gay boy whose daddy couldn’t love him. It was every book and made-for-TV movie come to life. And he wouldn’t have that. Fuck pity. So Rod grinned at him, reached out and touched his arm. “With this ass, how could you not care?”

“I’m serious. Don’t make a joke about it.”

“I’m serious too. I have the best ass in three counties. Plus, I give good head, and I sell sex toys for Christ’s sake. I’m the whole package.” He paused a beat, then another, and another. When Landon didn’t respond, he said, “I’m tired. Let’s just go to bed.” He reached over and turned out the light.

Landon didn’t respond, and when Rod woke up the next day, he was gone.

“Oh my God. You look so handsome, Landon. I can’t believe how handsome you look.” Shanen fiddled with his bowtie and then ran a hand down the arm of his tux. The light shined off the wetness in her eyes.

“Can I ask why I’m not doing this with your fiancé and the groomsmen?” He knew she would get emotional at the fitting. He guessed he was lucky their mom had to work. He wasn’t sure he could handle the both of them together.

“Because I wanted to spend some quality time with my brother. Is that too much to ask?” There was a smile in her blue eyes, which were so different than Landon and their mom’s brown. Shanen had their father’s eyes.

“If you’re going to cry, then yes, it’s too much to ask.”

She swatted his arm and he grinned at her. He sure as hell didn’t feel like smiling right now. His head was still a mess from last night at Rod’s. He didn’t know what he thought about anything so mostly he tried not to think about it at all. Maybe it was a good thing he had this fitting scheduled with Shanen today. He doubted he or Rod would have been able to find any words between the two of them today.

“You really do look handsome,” Shanen told him, and he could read the sadness in her voice. This had to be hard on her. He was glad he was here, that he could give Shanen away, but she had to wish it was her father doing it.

“I know, kid.” He pulled her close, an arm around her shoulders. Shanen buried her face in his chest.

“You haven’t called me that since I really was one.”

“I haven’t?” he asked, but he knew she was right. Their dad had called her kid and then Landon started doing it. When their dad left, he stopped.

“No, and you know you haven’t.” Just then Amanda the seamstress came back. Shanen pulled back and wiped her eyes, putting on a brave face the way they always did. He wondered how often they really felt it. How often Rod really felt the smiles and jokes he tossed out left and right.

“I think this works!” Amanda said as she wrote something down on a piece of paper. Shanen stood off in the background, a façade of a smile plastered on her slender face.

“Yeah, I think so,” Landon replied to her. She excused him so he could get dressed in his clothes, and he heard her talking to Shanen about there only being one more month until the wedding.

Shanen had never dated much. He couldn’t remember her dating in high school at all, even though she’d been asked out, plenty. Then her life was all about college, and whatever she and their mom had going at the time. She’d always seemed content, happy. They’d talked about their parents enough in their lives for him to know Shanen struggled with the same feelings he did, but now here she was, getting married.

Landon got dressed again, and then came out to find Shanen sitting on a bench outside. Once he thanked Amanda, he made his way out to his sister. He knew her well enough to know what she needed. He held his hand out to her, “Come on. I’ll buy you ice cream.”

It had been too many years since he shared an ice cream with his sister. Guilt surged to life inside him again. He shouldn’t have stayed away as long as he did. That was wrong.

“I thought you’d never ask.” Shanen took his hand and stood. There was an ice cream shop two doors down, so they went in and each got a bowl—strawberry for Shanen and chocolate for him, before they made their way outside again.

It was a quiet July day, the humidity keeping people inside or in the water. “Can we walk?” Shanen asked, and he nodded.

They made their way down Main Street. He’d always loved this street. It reminded him of old movies he used to watch with his dad. This area was called Old Town and it definitely looked like it, with wood buildings and benches outside of each shop.

“Have you noticed anything different with Mom?” Shanen asked.

Had he? He didn’t think so. Maybe he wasn’t home enough to notice. “She’s been busy. She’s gone a lot, but that’s a good thing. She’s creating a life for herself.”

“Yeah… Yeah, I guess. It just feels…different. I don’t know why.” They were silent for a few minutes before Shanen finally asked, “Do you think Daddy forgives her?”

The question was like a punch to the gut. Sometimes he wasn’t sure if he forgave her. Then the guilt would kick in and he’d think about his mom’s depression and being alone all these years.

His instinct was to tell her who the fuck cared what he thought? Who cared if he forgave them? What he’d done had been worse. He’d walked away from his kids. Landon sighed. “I don’t know, Shan. I don’t know anything about what he could be thinking. He made sure of that when he left us behind.”

“Are you still angry at him?”

“I will always be angry at him. I will always hate him for leaving.”

“But they weren’t happy,” Shanen added.

“So?” They hadn’t been. They’d made each other miserable. They’d hurt each other. Landon’s biggest fear was doing that to someone he cared about.

“What if that happens with Jacob and me?”

“What? No. It won’t happen.” But did he really believe that? He didn’t know.

She nudged him. “Are you all knowing now?”

“What do you mean now? I’ve always known everything.”

Shanen giggled but sobered quickly. “It worries me sometimes. Remember all their stories? They were best friends most of their lives, and then they turned into something different. They started to bring out the worst in each other. I don’t know what I would do if that happened to Jacob and me.”

They walked by a trash can and Landon tossed his ice cream into it. His stomach suddenly felt sour, his sister’s words reminding him of everything he felt. “Why are you marrying him?”

“What?” Shanen stopped walking and looked at him. “What do you mean?”

He nodded toward the sidewalk and they started walking again. A few cars drove by. People sat outside on the patio of a restaurant eating and laughing. Living. “If you’re scared of what will happen, why are you marrying him?” He really wanted to know. Maybe he needed to know.

“Because he’s worth the risk,” Shanen said, as though it was the easiest answer in the world. “I love him. He’s worth it. I’m worth it. You never know what’s going to happen, Lando. One minute Dad was there, the next he wasn’t. You can’t go through life afraid of everything or you’re not really living it. Actually, no, that’s not true. You can be afraid. Fear means you’re being honest with yourself. We can’t really live without being afraid of something. You just can’t let that fear hold you back.”

He let her words swim around inside him for a minute. He hated the thought of being afraid of anything, but the truth was, he was scared shitless. But Jesus, he didn’t want to let that fear get the best of him either.

“Are you serious about Rod?” she asked. He didn’t bother to tell her they were just friends. Maybe in a lot of ways they were, but at the same time, he knew they weren’t. It didn’t matter what either of them admitted out loud.

“No…yes…I don’t know.”

“Finally, I get the truth at the third try!” She tossed her ice cream in the trash and weaved her arm through his. She held onto him as they continued to make their way down the cracked sidewalk.

“I don’t know what I feel, Shan. I like spending time with him. I care about him, but honestly that scares the fuck out of me. I never thought I’d really give a shit about anyone, not that way. Then I start thinking about Mom and Dad and how much I like spending time with him now. I don’t want to lose that.”

“Being afraid is normal. But letting the fear win is no way to live.”

Jesus, he felt ridiculous having this heart to heart with his sister as they walked down the fucking road. Hell, he didn’t want to have this discussion anywhere. “Okay, that’s enough of that.”

“No! I don’t think so.” She held his arm tighter. “Does he feel the same way about you?”

Wasn’t that a good fucking question? “How am I supposed to answer that when I don’t completely understand what I’m feeling?”

“I think you do, you just don’t want to admit it.”

Landon sighed, not ready to discuss that with her. “I never would have thought it before, but I think he’s more gun shy than I am.” But then, that didn’t really ring true. “I don’t think he believes anyone really cares about him. The more I get to know him, the more I wonder how much he keeps hidden, maybe even from himself.”

Shanen gave him one more squeeze and then let go. “Prove him wrong. That’s all you can do, care about him, treat him well, and prove him wrong. Actions speak louder than words. He’s lucky he found you. You may not realize it, but you have a big heart, Landon.”

He wasn’t so sure about that…but for the first time in his life, he thought he might be willing to put it on the line for someone else.

Rod sat behind his work computer, processing online orders. The store wasn’t very busy today, and that always worried him. He’d put everything on the line for this place. He loved what he did, but he knew small businesses often failed. The only thing he had going for him was his product. It wasn’t as though there were a lot of places close by that sold what Rod did. His biggest competitor would always be the many online sites to choose from. He needed to advertise better, so that’s what he’d spent his day thinking about.

Or trying to think about at least. Damned if Landon didn’t keep squeezing his way in, which just pissed him off. He was dwelling. He didn’t dwell, but he couldn’t seem to evict Landon or their night from his thoughts.

At about five o’clock the store picked up. It was as though everyone was suddenly in the mood for sex, and needed to make a quick stop by Rods-N-Ends before they could make that happen. Not that he was complaining. He needed the business, and it helped the day go by faster, so it was a win/win for him.

Rod worked like crazy all day and when closing time finally came around, he was fucking beat.

And he hadn’t heard from Landon all day, which shouldn’t matter in the slightest, but a quiet ache inside him told him that it did. That was a huge screw-up on his part, the caring, and he needed to find a way to lessen those feelings.

After taking care of what he needed to take care of at the shop, he jumped in his car and headed home. As he turned into the driveway he saw Landon’s motorcycle. He felt his brows pull together as he looked at the bike sitting there.

He’d offered his house to Landon a hundred times, but he never took him up on the offer unless Rod had been there. Rod always left the back door unlocked, and Landon knew that. The lights in the house told him that Landon had taken advantage.

A low ache in his gut suddenly started to spread through him. He should have expected this. Hell, it made sense. It’s what he’d planned on happening. They got what they wanted out of each other, good sex. It wasn’t as if he really thought they were forming a life long friendship with each other. He’d told Landon he knew the score up front, and apparently Landon had decided that it was time to do the walking away part. There was no reason for him to be here unexpectedly like this, and he was probably right that the time had come.

Rod sucked in a deep breath and then got out of the car. He smiled as he opened the door and saw Landon sitting on the couch, his nerves playing off of each of his features. Showing in the rigidness of his body as he looked at Rod.

“We don’t have to make a big deal about this. We’re both grown men. We know how it goes.” Rod walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water.

“What?” Landon frowned at him.

“This.” Rod pointed at Landon and then himself. “We don’t need any drama. I’m surprised you’re going this route, though, I probably would have blown you at least once more if I’d have known we weren’t going to hook up again.”

Landon stood. He was only a few inches taller than Rod, bulkier, but in this moment, he seemed bigger, an angry force that Rod didn’t understand. “What the fuck are you talking about, Rod?”