Shifting Gears (Crossroads Series Book 2) (27 page)

Landon started the bike and put on his helmet. He turned to look at Rod, watched him, waiting, but he didn’t know what in the hell to say.
I’m sorry. I love you. I never wanted you to walk away.

Before he could settle on something, Landon sped away.

***

Four days later Rod heard a banging. At first he thought it was inside his head, the result of too much fucking alcohol the past four days. When the pounding happened again, he realized it was the front door. He wanted to ignore it, Jesus, he wanted nothing more than to ignore it, so he rolled over, covering his head with the pillow, but the thumping kept coming.

“Fuck, hold on!” He shoved out of the bed, shuffled into the living room and pulled open the door.

The sunlight burned his eyes, no doubt another result of the nights he’d spent partying at a club.

“You look like shit.”

Rod’s sight narrowed in on Bryce as he shoved his way into the house. Nick was right behind him. “Thank you.”

“Usually I’d try to find a way to soften whatever Bryce says, but he’s right, man. You look like hell.” Nick closed the door behind them.

Perfect, just what he needed. His asshole friends to come over and make him feel worse. “I’m suffering a broken heart here. Thanks for the support. You should be trying to make me feel better, not worse. Oh, I know. The two of you can finally—”

“Don’t even say it,” Bryce cut him off. “This isn’t a joke and this isn’t about sex. Christ, the scent of alcohol is leaking out of your pores. What the hell have you been doing?”

Rod would have thought that was obvious. “Drinking.” He went to the kitchen and started coffee. Nick pushed him out of the way and Rod let him take over. He finished preparing the coffee pot as Rod took a seat at the small table across from the kitchen. “I have a headache. Can we do this quickly so I can get back to sleep? I have to go to work in a few hours.” It was early as hell. “What are you doing here, anyway?”

He looked at Nick who turned away. Rod let his eyes find Bryce next. “Tell me.”

“Landon called. He hasn’t been to work, and he asked me to check on you.”

Rod hated the fact that his pulse sped up. “Well, that was nice of him. Does that mean we really had an amicable break? We parted as friends who still love and respect each other?”

“What in the hell happened with you two? Last time I saw you, he couldn’t keep his eyes off you.” Nick brought a mug of coffee over and set it in front of him.

“Exactly what I knew would happen, happened. That’s why I wanted nothing to do with it—well the fucking I did, but not the relationship outside of friendship. He kept fucking pushing and look what happened.” Rod rested his elbows on the table, his head in his hands. His fucking head was killing him…it had nothing on the pain in his chest.

The truth came slamming into him then, a wrecking ball turning the wall he tried to build inside him to rubble. “He made me want it,” Rod said softly. “He made me believe we could work. He made me believe he could love me.”

There was a hand on his shoulder. Without looking he knew it belonged to Nick. He squeezed in support as Bryce quietly cursed on the other side of the room.

“If I see him again, I’m going to fucking kill him,” Bryce said. “I told him. I fucking told him to be sure he was real with you.”

Rod’s head snapped up at that. “What? Why would you do that?”

Bryce’s brows furrowed. “Because I’m your friend, dumbass. Because we care about you.”

And they did. Logically, Rod knew that. Sometimes the connection between what his brain knew and his heart felt got severed. Nick and Bryce were his friends.

“You sold us our first butt plug. We love your crazy-ass.” Nick squeezed his shoulder again and Rod couldn’t help but let out a sharp laugh. He could imagine Bryce saying something like that, but not Nick.

“He’s rubbing off on you.”

“I rub off on him often,” Bryce replied. “Nick likes it. There’s a lot you don’t know about him. He’s a closet freak.”

Nick groaned and both Bryce and Rod laughed again. It felt good to laugh. It was an honest laugh, the kind he’d felt often since Landon had come into his life. “There’s a part of me,” Rod looked down at the green coffee mug, running his finger along the rim so he didn’t have to look at Nick or Bryce. “There’s a part of me that says,
I told you so.
Part of me knew this would happen. No one in my life has ever stayed there.”

“Did you ever think it’s because you don’t let them?” Nick asked. “I don’t know your past, but I know what I see. You’re the funny guy, the guy who’s up for anything, but do you really let anyone in? Sometimes I feel like there’s a façade there, the real you and the you the world sees. It’s even there with Bryce and I. I’m not saying this is the case with Landon because I don’t know what happened. I just know what I see when I look at you.”

“Yeah,” Bryce added. “What Nick said.”

Rod couldn’t find it in himself to laugh, so he continued circling the cup with his finger.

They were right. Another one of those things he knew but didn’t always believe. When his father rejected him, he’d vowed to never let anyone in and he hadn’t. How could he make real relationships and friendships when that was the case?

“I let him in.” He’d wanted Landon there, inside him. He belonged there.

“I’m angry at him,” Rod admitted. “I’m fucking pissed. He’s hurting, I get it, but I did the best I could. He owed me the right to explain. He owed me more.” Because Rod would have given it to him.

“Good.” Bryce walked closer and Rod looked up at him. “Months ago, would you have been angry at him or would you have taken the blame? Hell, maybe even weeks ago. What would you have done?”

There wasn’t a question in Rod’s head about that. He would have taken one hundred percent of the blame. He wouldn’t have been angry at Landon. There was the quiet voice in his head that tried to pull him that way now, part of him that doubted himself and his choices. Maybe that devil inside him would always be there, but the self-doubt was quieter than it used to be.

He wasn’t perfect, but he’d done his best with what he’d been given. Maybe he should have told Landon, but Landon shouldn’t have just walked away either. He didn’t deserve that.

He didn’t answer Bryce’s question out loud, but he didn’t need to. He knew the answer. Rod knew the truth, and despite the crack in his heart, he felt a little bit of pride squeeze in. His father hadn’t been right about him. His dad’s rejection wasn’t his fault. He deserved more than he’d always allowed himself to have.

And damn did he want Landon to have a part in that, because Rod deserved to be happy. He deserved to be loved, and he wanted Landon to be the man to do it.

Christ, he looks like me.

Landon stared hard across the hotel room at his brother…his fucking
brother.
The man his father had taken care of…the man his father had stayed for, even after it didn’t work out with his mother.

“Thank you for agreeing to see me.” Justin leaned against the door with his arms crossed. His brown hair was the same shade as Landon’s.

“You wouldn’t stop calling. You didn’t give me much choice.” He’d called at least five times a day since Landon walked out of his mom’s house. He was relentless, Landon would give him that. It didn’t mean he liked him. It didn’t mean he wanted a brother.

“Nice place you have here.” Justin’s eyes skated over the older hotel room with floral blankets and a crooked painting on the wall. Sarcasm sparked off each of his words.

“You’re funny. Did you get your sense of humor from him?” Landon asked and Justin shrugged.

He pushed off the wall, and paced the room. Landon was quiet, waiting for Justin to say whatever he came to say. He was the one who’d wanted to talk. He was the one who’d forced himself into Landon’s life. “I’m gay too,” is what Justin settled on. Landon didn’t bother to correct Justin and say he was bisexual.

“Congratu-fucking-lations. Is that supposed to change anything? Are we supposed to bond now, the two gay sons of an asshole dad?” Though he had to admit, it was a surprise. He wondered how often more than one sibling was gay or bi.

Justin looked at him, anger in his dark eyes. “Fuck you. I’m trying to figure out how to deal with this too. I get that you’re pissed. I was too, but what I don’t get is why you’re pissed at me. I didn’t make him leave you. Did you ever think about how it felt for me to find out? For the man who raised me, who I respected more than anyone in the world to tell me he had a son and daughter I never knew about? That I had siblings I knew he sure as shit hadn’t taken care of. I was fucking devastated!”

Landon’s hands balled into fists. He wanted to hit something. He wanted to hit Justin. “Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?” he spewed. “He stayed for you! I was alone! I wanted my father and he was with you!”

Justin looked down. His hands were tight. Veins sprang to life on his arms. “I will never look at him the same. How can I? Every memory I have of him is tarnished. Everything good has a black cloud over it because I know you didn’t have it. He robbed me of something too. He took you and Shanen away from me.”

He was right. Fuck, he was right, and Landon knew it. That didn’t make it any easier to deal with. “You’re here. That makes it easier to be mad at you.”

“He’s there for you to be mad at as well. I punched him in the jaw when he told me.”

Damned if Landon didn’t feel his lips tug into a small smile. If the situation were different, he thought he could like Justin. “No shit?”

“Knocked his ass on the ground. Felt good. I wish you could try it. He’s a little sicker now than he was then.”

“Lucky bastard.”

Justin laughed and damned if it didn’t sound like his own. Landon found himself chuckling too. Maybe that made them both sick, but he couldn’t help it. It was laugh or hit something.

A moment later they were both silent again, the heavy kind of silent that was louder than any noise could ever be. Landon sat on the edge of the bed, his leg bouncing up and down. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to have a brother. I don’t know how to stop myself from holding what he did to my family against you.” Maybe the words were harsh, but they were true.

“This might make you hate me more, but there’s a part of me that feels the same way about you. I had an amazing father. He went to my games, and taught me how to play catch, and now he feels like a fraud.”

The pain in Justin’s voice was too powerful, too broken to ignore. He was a victim too. He was aching just like the rest of them.

“How did you do it? How did you forgive him?”

Justin frowned at that. “Who said I forgave him? Half of the time I think I hate him, the other half he’s the dad I always loved. I don’t know how in the hell to deal with any of this any better than you do. My head is just as fucked up as yours is…but I just keep asking myself, will I have regrets if I turn my back on him? How will I feel five years from now if I let my anger ruin the time he has left? How would I feel when he died, if I left him alone the same way he left you?”

His words fractured everything Landon thought he knew, what he thought he felt. He’d worried about being like his father. How would he feel if he walked away from him now? If he turned his back on Justin, the brother who would likely be just as scarred as the rest of them.

Landon would never forgive himself. He’d hate himself. This wasn’t something he could run from without it changing his whole fucking universe.

He had a brother.

His dad was back.

His dad was dying.

He hurt, fucking hurt in ways he didn’t know were possible. He’d dreamed of having his dad back for years…then he’d never wanted him. Landon had wished him dead, and now he would get that quiet request he’d made as a broken-hearted kid…and he didn’t want it. No matter what, the man was his father. He didn’t know how to deal with all of those conflicting thoughts so he did what he’d wanted to do for days, stood up, and swung, his fisting connecting with the wall. Pain shot through him. “Fuck!” He grabbed his hand, cradling it.

Swelling began immediately.

“That was stupid,” Justin said.

Damned if he didn’t like the guy. “Hey! You punched something too.”

“I didn’t break my hand though.”

Justin had him there. Landon sighed before grudgingly saying, “Take me to the hospital.”

“Sure. We can do that brotherly bonding thing on the way.”

Landon nodded as they headed toward the door. “How are you at relationship advice? I fucked up with the only man I’ve ever loved.”

Justin held the door open for him and Landon walked out. “Good luck with that one, man. Relationship advice I can’t do.”

Well hell, it looked like Landon would have to figure out how to fix his life on his own.

***

Rod stood in the back of Rods-N-Ends stocking the shelves. He had one employee here with him today. She was at the register, taking care of the steady, but manageable string of customers who trickled in and out of the store.

It was nearly time for his dinner break, but he’d told her he wanted to finish what he was doing before he went.