Authors: Ariana Hawkes
She grinned, and started typing.
J: Hey, yourself. Yes, I had a great night! It’s a really nice place, and I’m so glad there’s a bar for the shifter community to hang out together. Are you Rusty himself?
R: Sure am! I always dreamed of running a bar for bears and other shifters, where everyone can just be themselves, and not have to watch what they’re saying in public. I hope I didn’t offend you by giving you the third degree. I just need to be careful who I let in.
J: No, I understand totally. Full disclosure: I work as a developer on the Shiftr app, so I well appreciate the need for secrecy.
There was a short pause.
R: So you’re not looking for a mate? You’re just here to work on the app?
J: No, I’m here as a participant right now. I thought it was about time I got myself a profile :-)
R: :-) in that case, would it be too forward for me to ask if you’d like to have a drink with me in my bar one night? It’s just, I’m not too good at expressing myself online. I think I come across much better in person.
Jessica’s heart leapt. And then she forced herself to wait a moment before replying, so she didn’t seem too eager.
J: That would be lovely. When can you take an evening off?
R: How does Thursday sound? I’m not on the schedule that night.
J: Thursday’s perfect!
R: Great :-) we can have dinner too if you want. Our Buffalo wings are starting to get a reputation for themselves ;-)
J: In that case, I’ll make sure I come with an appetite.
She hit ‘send’ too soon, and stared at her phone in horror.
Oh my God, what did I just say?
Her cheeks burned. He could totally take that the wrong way.
R: Make sure you do. I can get the chef to put together a special menu for us.
She breathed out a sigh of relief. Thank goodness he was a straightforward bear, and not a cunning fox or tiger.
J: I’d love that. Oh, I’m Jessica, by the way.
R: I look forward to seeing you on Thursday, Jessica.
Rusty XX
Jessica signed off the app and pressed her phone against her chest. His unpretentious ways had charmed her. She found that she was looking forward to Thursday’s date a lot. She picked up the phone again and sent a group message to Christian and Lucas:
Guess who’s got a date?
she wrote.
She waited for a while, hoping they’d reply so she could have a gossip with them. They didn’t get back to her within ten minutes, and, with a flicker of disappointment, she put her phone down and went to find Tamika.
Lucas’ stomach plummeted when he received Jessica’s text message. Seeing her the day before had been hard. His feelings hadn’t changed, except that, along with the tenderness and fascination he’d always had for her, he now had the adult desires of a full-grown bear. Jessica had become impossibly beautiful and lovely. And her body – it had been all he could do to keep his bear inside him when he took in her full, womanly curves, displayed perfectly in the low-cut shirt she’d been wearing.
She’s yours
, his bear had told him all night, while it pawed and scratched at his insides. And it hadn’t let up when he went to bed either, working him up into a frenzy of need.
He’d tossed and turned for hours, fighting against his bear, telling it over and over that they were just friends, and that was how it was going to stay.
It was almost dawn by the time he fell asleep. He woke two hours later, cranky and exhausted, but he knew one thing for sure: he couldn’t go back to being a puppy again, mooning over Jessica. He’d spent enough years thinking about her. Even after he’d moved to the US, and for a long time afterwards, she was the first thing he thought about when he woke up, and the last thing he thought about as he was falling asleep. But he was a man now; not a love-sick teenager. And he had to do whatever was necessary to get her out of his mind.
He took a sick day from work and completed his Shiftr profile. To his surprise, it turned up three matches in the 90% range. He sent a message to a petite, dark-haired girl and they started chatting. Without a lot of preamble, he invited her out on a date, and she readily agreed. The relief had been immense. As soon as he met the right girl, and his bear understood that she was the one, he’d be free of his hopeless crush on Jessica. Bears were loyal mates. His love and desire would be all for his new mate, and his feelings for his friend would automatically dry up. Of that, he was absolutely convinced.
But once he’d fixed the date with Iris, he didn’t look at her profile again, restrained by a reluctance he couldn’t explain to himself.
And then the message from Jessica arrived. Jealousy gnawed at his insides. She’d never had a boyfriend when they were at high school – something he’d been immeasurably grateful for. He’d never had to deal with that particular, gut-wrenching pain. But now it came on in full force. She was going to find a mate. Probably another bear, if he knew her as well as he thought he did. And they were going to be sickeningly happy together. His brain conjured up images of her enfolded in another man’s arms, being held the way he’d imagined holding her so many times. He imagined her being kissed; being more than kissed. He almost retched.
Why didn’t she want him as a mate, instead of just a friend?
It was like she was blind when she looked at him. She couldn’t even remember that it was he who had stayed with her the night she’d got sick from drinking her father’s scotch. He’d been full of guilt at the time. He’d made her drink lots of water afterwards, and pressed a cold cloth against her forehead. He’d called his parents and told them that he was at Christian’s, and he wasn’t feeling well, so he’d just stay over. And then he’d spent a tense night in Jessica’s room, listening to the soft sound of her breathing, concern and affection and desire for her running through his body like a flame. He hadn’t been able to get to sleep until around 2am, when he’d climbed off the hard floor, and laid himself right on the edge of her double bed. He’d planned to stay as far a way from her as possible, but she’d somehow sensed his presence in her sleep, and she immediately scooted across the bed and snuggled against him, her small arm around his waist and her silky hair brushing his lips. It was the most blissful night of his life. He’d planned to lie awake all night, so he didn’t miss a single second of being close to her. But somehow, he drifted off, and the next thing he knew, it was morning. Jessica’s mom was calling her name, and he was diving off the bed and flattening himself onto the floor again.
He and Christian were interchangeable to her; he’d long known that. They might as well have been her twin brothers.
Lucas pressed the power button on his phone until the screen darkened.
I’ve got to stop this
, he told himself.
Hopefully my date on Thursday will turn out to be the one, and I can forget this whole obsession with Jessica.
“Is this okay for a first date?” Jessica asked, emerging from the restroom in the Shiftr office. She was wearing a black, knee-length polka dot swing skirt and a black, low-cut top with a sweetheart neckline.
“You look gorgeous, my dear,” Tamika exclaimed. “Who’s the lucky guy?”
“The guy from the shifter bar you recommended, actually. It turns out he’s my 84% match.”
“That’s great,” Tamika said, clapping her hands together. “He’s a lovely guy.”
“Do you have a minute?” Jessica asked, cutting Tamika off in her nervousness. All afternoon, she’d been too edgy to work, her mind occupied by wondering what going on a date with a shifter would be like.
“I’ve got all the time in the world for you,” Tamika said, sitting on the edge of her desk. “What do you need?”
“I was just wondering if there was something different about going on a date with a shifter. I mean, as opposed to a human man.”
“I think the feelings are usually stronger. With a shifter, you tend to know right away if they’re the one for you. Remember, all these guys are looking for their mate, and they project that intensity onto you. If the conversation is awkward, or you’re not sure if you want to kiss him at the end of the night, then you’re probably not right for each other.” Jessica nodded.
“Okay,” she said in a small voice, rearranging her bangs. “And do shifters usually, you know, want to mate you on the first date?” Tamika’s smile was kind, but her eyes had a glint of wickedness.
“That’s a possibility. They have very high sex drives. And if that’s how you feel too, you should go with it. There’s no double standards among shifters. They know that sex is very healthy and important.” Jessica smiled, trying to hide her embarrassment at talking about sex with her aunt.
“And, what if I’m not into the guy, but he likes me? How do I tell him?”
“Just tell him straight up. Shifters are very straightforward, and you won’t offend them by being honest. They all know it’s essential that they find their perfect match.”
“Right.”
“Just have fun, Jess,” Tamika brushed her hair out of her eye. “Shiftr has matched the two of you up, so there’s a very good chance that you’ll be right for each other.”
*
Jessica took a taxi to the date. On the way, she looked at her phone and sighed. Christian had replied to her text message about her date saying ‘have fun’. Lucas hadn’t replied at all.
Guys
. She guessed guys didn’t do gossip about dating. Which was a shame, because maybe it would help her to forget the feelings that had been bothering her for the past few days. Whenever she thought about either of them, her stomach tingled with butterflies. Against her will, she kept recalling the way Christian had laid his hand on her knee, or Lucas’s bare arm had brushed hers. It was so confusing. They were her best friends, yet she was plagued by inappropriate impulses towards them. She needed a man. That was all. Maybe Rusty would take her in his arms, and equilibrium would be restored.
A sheet still hung over the entrance to the bar, but a recent rainfall had blurred the black sharpie text, so that Rusty’s was now completely illegible. The saloon doors had been freshly painted though, and were now a fetching shade of royal blue.
Jessica pushed the doors open gently and blinked as she entered, her eyes taking a while to adjust to the change in the light.
Rusty was waiting for her. He’d picked out a secluded table, partially screened from the rest of the bar by an ornate Japanese wooden screen. She locked eyes with him and he bounded out of his seat and stood right in front of her. For a moment, he didn’t move, as if uncertain how to greet her, then he swooped down to her level and planted a kiss on her left cheek, followed by one on her right, for good measure.
“Are you happy sitting here? We can sit someplace else if you want?” She gazed around the bar, noting that there were now several alcoves in the room, each decorated differently.
“No, here’s perfect,” she said, sitting down.
“Sorry it’s still a bit rough around the edges in here. I probably should’ve waited until everything was completely ready before I opened, but I got too excited.” He flashed her a boyish smile, then rushed behind her to help her push her chair in, and she smiled at the old-fashioned gesture.
“I love what you’ve done with the place,” she said.
“You do?” he said, a flicker of tension in his green-blue eyes.
“Yeah, I love the way the style is really eclectic, but every section has a distinct theme.” He rubbed at his messy, sandy-colored hair.
“I was trying to create a place where everybody would be happy. I mean, bears will be happy with a couple of packing crates to sit on, but I need to remember that all types of shifters will be coming in here. And ladies too. And they probably want a little more finesse.” Jessica smiled.
“Where did you get the Japanese screen from?”
“An antiques sale over in Willsin,” he said proudly. “I heard on the radio that it was going on, and I drove over there yesterday and picked up some stuff. I’m still trying to figure out how some of it’s going to fit though. Anyway, enough about me. What can I get you to drink?” Jessica asked for a gin and tonic, and he sprung up from his seat and bounced over to the bar. She loved his energy and enthusiasm. And he was cute, with his narrow eyes startling against his freckly, tanned skin. She examined an ornamental vase on the table while she waited for him to come back. This was the closest she’d come to a blind date. Usually, she’d met guys at work – other tech nerds like herself – and they hadn’t dated, so much as fallen into tepid relationships, that never quite got off the ground.
Rusty was a while.
“Sorry!” he said, hurtling back to her at last. “There was a problem with one of the beer pumps.”
“It makes me wonder if you suggested meeting me here so you could be on hand to fix anything that goes wrong.”
“Of course not,” he said. She’d been joking, but his slightly strangled laugh revealed the truth.
Never mind. It’s better if dates are relaxed, so expectations don’t get set so high,
she told herself.
For the next two hours, he asked her questions about herself, told her various anecdotes about his life, and regularly rushed off to fix this or that, or help serve when the line of customers was getting too long.
He’s like a whirlwind,
she thought, watching as he repaired a table leg after it had collapsed, tipping a customer onto the floor.
When he next stopped by, she ordered another gin tonic from him, noting that his drink was still half full. He brought it over, then rushed off again. She blew out a long, irritated breath, stood up, and moved to the other side of the table, where she had a better view of the other clientele in the bar.
Shifters!
Some of them weren’t big on manners. She’d finish this drink at a leisurely pace, and then she’d leave, she decided. The date had turned out to be a washout, but it was kind of nice being out in a bar, watching shifters interacting with each other. There were a few human females too, chatting with the guys, and Jessica tried to work out whether they were on dates or were established couples.
As she turned her head to glance at a couple sitting close together on her right, just beyond her field of vision, a lightning bolt of shock pierced her through the heart. The brown, curly male head, only inches from the female’s, belonged to none other than Lucas. Her heart started to beat double time. He was with a pretty, dark-haired girl, and they looked like they were having a lot of fun together, trying each other’s drinks and sharing jokes. From their position, they couldn’t tell that Jessica was watching them, so she kept staring at them like a peeping tom, both horrified and fascinated by the emotions charging through her body. She was jealous. There was no other word for it. She couldn’t stand to see Lucas with someone else, couldn’t stand to see that sunny smile that he turned on her so often directed at another woman. The way he laid his hand on the woman’s arm so similar to the way he touched her.
What does this mean? Does it mean that I want to be with him?
she asked herself. She’d fallen into a trance, so she didn’t turn her head quickly enough when Lucas gazed around the room. He locked eyes with her, and she knew. He’d already seen her; he’d known she was there all along. He’d probably been watching her too. Just then, Rusty returned.
“Phew, sorry about that. You have my undivided attention now, I promise,” he said, throwing himself down into his seat.
“I’ve got to go,” she said, standing up quickly and grabbing her purse.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I won’t leave you again this evening.” He got to his feet, looking stricken, but she barely noticed.
“Thanks for the drinks,” she said, and strode out of the bar, not looking back.
She flagged a taxi down right outside of the bar and tumbled into it, desperate to get home, so she could be alone.
I’m in love with them. Both of them
, she finally acknowledged, as she walked into her bedroom and closed the door behind her. Her stomach was churning like a tumble dryer. She wanted to scream; she wanted to be sick; she wanted to have a giggling fit.
I’m in love with my two best friends. Which means that I can’t be with either of them. How is this possible? You’re only supposed to love one person at a time.
But no, she loved them equally, and passionately. When she imagined Christian wrapping his arms around her and holding her against his chest, she felt exactly the same as when she imagined Lucas pressing his full lips against hers: excited, safe and happy.
What now? Can I not be friends with them any more? I don’t think my heart can stand to see each of them getting mates.
But what does this mean? And how is it possible to love both of them, at the same time, equally? How is each of them going to react when they find out that I love the other one, too? I’ll probably lose them again, forever. They’ll walk out of my life as abruptly and painfully as they did before, leaving me with an all-consuming abyss of sadness and despair. Only this time I’ll never see them ever again.
She went to the bathroom and took her make-up off so she could splash her face with cold water.
When she returned, her phone was ringing. It was Christian.
That’s weird. He never calls. Both guys only texted, unless she took the initiative and called them. It must have something to do with what happened.
Hesitantly, she pressed ‘answer’.
“Jess! It’s Christian.” His voice sounded shaky.
“What is it?” she demanded.
“It’s my dad. He’s... he’s been shot, Jess.”
“God, I’m so sorry, Christian. What happened?”
“He was hunted by humans in his bear form and shot in the abdomen. That’s all I know. It doesn’t look good. I’m heading back home. I just wanted you to know. I’ll call you when I know more.”
“Please do. I’m sending my love to you and your family.”
“Thanks, Jess.” The line went dead.
Jessica sat on the edge of her bed, staring at the floor.
God. This is terrible. His dad’s been shot. Just like his brother. How is this even possible!? Surely, it’s too much of a coincidence to be true. Perhaps it’s some sick joke? And his dad’s only in his sixties. But he’s strong. He’s a great big guy.
She used to say that he reminded her of a grizzly bear. If only she’d known.
Poor Christian. He was totally shattered when Jay was shot and killed. He tried to be strong, for his parents, but she knew that deep down in himself, he was torn into a million soul-wrecking pieces. And now his father’s been shot. He must be reliving everything. Would he even be able to get a flight back home this late?
She got up and paced around the room, full of worry, imagining how she’d feel in his shoes. She picked up her phone and scrolled to Lucas’ number. She was on the point of calling him, when she stopped. She needed his support. The three of them always used to depend on each other when one of them was having a hard time. But she couldn’t speak to him right now, after what had just happened. Anyway, he was probably mating his new girl, and wouldn’t appreciate her disturbing him.
She lay down on the bed and suddenly felt more alone than before she’d found them again.
*
Jessica barely slept all night, and when she woke up, she knew what she needed to do. She picked up her phone.
“Jessica?” Christian’s voice was weary and shaken.
“How’s your dad?”
“In intensive care. It’s awful. The guy who shot him has been arrested, but he keeps insisting he only shot a bear. Everyone’s very confused, and people are asking a lot of questions.”
“Christian, I’m coming to see you, ok?”
“Yes,” he said, his voice cracking.
“Send me your address. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
*
Jessica made the flight to Collinsville just as the gates were closing, and she arrived at the family territory in Wynter Hollow just over three hours after she’d left home.
Christian opened the door to her and flung his arms around her, squeezing her so tight she could hardly breathe.