Authors: Darlene Purcell
*****
Donned in black mourning which she would be forced to wear at least three more months for decency’s sake Xzan made her way to the stateroom. Meals would be served there twice daily. Breakfast and dinner. Tea would be served by the porters precisely at two each day and the Captain had asked the passenger’s to remain in their rooms or visit each other during this time so the crew could swab the decks and take care of other tasks that needed their full attention.
The dining hall was an immense room. Long wooden tables were bolted to the floor. Xzan slid gracefully on to a bench next to a boy whose eyes widened in astonishment at her sudden appearance. She smiled engagingly. He grinned back extending his big paw in a friendly manner.
“
Hello! My name is Sean Fenierre.”
She shook his hand which swallowed her own despite his younger years reciprocating the introduction.
“
I’m delighted to meet you Sean. My name is Xzan Colby.”
His mouth dropped open. He’d been trying to figure out a way to approach her without being too obvious since they first boarded ship. Now he found out she was the lady that would be riding with his family all the way west. He couldn’t believe his luck. Xzan assumed he must have heard her name mentioned by his reaction recognizing his surname.
“
It seems we’ll be traveling together. Would you be so kind as to introduce me to the rest of your family?”
Hazel eyes lit up happily.
“
Sure. Mama! Papa!” he yelled across the room.
A striking couple turned expectantly at their son’s bidding. Xzan blushed with embarrassment. Sean certainly had a set of lungs. She could see where he inherited his stature from too. Both of his parents were giants. Attractive in her late thirties, big boned, blonde and dimpled, the mother of four children, Shauna Fenierre was as young at heart as her son. Excited by the adventures of meeting new people and going into uncharted territory she bubbled over with witticisms.
Robert Fenierre was a burly, gruff, outspoken man. Strong, proud, fierce. The only one who seemed to have any control of him was his wife of twenty years whom he openly adored. Xzan wasn’t too impressed with their eldest son. Jason was nineteen. His swaggering charm and dark good looks were too reminiscent of Brett. She withdrew her hand hastily when he bowed over it kissing the palm a little too fervently as introductions were being made.
“
Mrs. Colby, we are so thrilled to finally meet you. We’re looking forward to traveling with you. Aren’t you just so excited about the trip west?” Shauna Fenierre gushed exuberantly.
Xzan smiled. “Please call me Xzan. And yes, I am very excited. I’m delighted to meet you too. I’ve wondered what you and your family would be like.”
Sean was thirteen. Big for his age taller than her in fact with thick straight hair the color of corn silk. He was a quiet boy observing the world through intelligent eyes. Until he had something to say. Then his voice boomed unafraid to be heard as she had witnessed already this evening.
She was totally captivated by the younger children. Richard was seven. A bony red haired, freckled face, daredevil with dazzling blue eyes and a mischievous grin. She admired his quick wit and keen sense of humor instantly. Lorena, four-years-old was the long awaited beloved daughter, exquisitely beautiful. Chubby and rosy cheeked with her thumb always in her mouth. Huge green eyes stared in awe at the world around her. Treated like the cherished baby she acted the part to the hilt letting everyone spoil her rotten.
They ate dinner together getting acquainted. Xzan was shocked intrigued and thrilled by the family’s earthy way of speaking. Every subject was matter of fact no matter how bold the topic. Shauna had the glow of a happy woman which attracted Xzan to her. Her own life had been such a tangle she wanted to discover how another woman could take the same destiny in stride and be so enthusiastic. All in all her first impression of the Fenierre family was favorable. They were a caring family. Strongly bonded by love and familiarity. They seemed to like her as well sensing that if she seemed less than gregarious she was in mourning and didn’t feel too social.
“
This was a wonderful meal, it’s made me quite sleepy.” She yawned daintily into a lacy handkerchief. “It was wonderful to finally meet all of you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She retired for the night feeling good about them and the choices she had made for her future. Over the course of the next few days the two women began bonding as friends. Xzan instinctively felt she could trust Shauna, and began relaxing her guard for the first time in years.
One afternoon the two women were in Xzan’s cabin darning socks, seeking privacy for a real girl talk.
“
You know my Jason has his eye on you.”
Xzan scowled.
“
Nothing personal… he is your son…but I’m just not interested”.
Shauna raised a blond brow.
“
Did you love your husband that much or is it just too soon to think of someone new? You know it’s the natural course of things to be mated.”
“
Natural for animals maybe!” Xzan spat vehemently.
Seeing the look of confusion on her companion’s face the younger woman hesitated, then blurted out, “Brett … hurt me.”
There it was said. She expelled a breath she hadn’t even been aware of holding in. Shauna stopped darning, shocked. Her face melting with compassion.
“
Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry! I had no idea! But surely you must realize that like women, not all men are alike. My Jason is young sometimes even impetuous but he would never hurt a woman. He’ll be a good husband like his father is. You can’t judge all men by the black deeds of one.”
Xzan laid her work aside disgust clearly written on her dainty features.
“
Can you tell me you honestly like it? First you nearly choke to death to get pregnant then you labor in agony to have a child. Why would any woman willingly suffer that way?”
Shauna looked bewildered.
“
I don’t understand what you mean Xzan. Choke on what? And what do you know about childbirth? Have you had a baby?”
Xzan blushed a fiery red unable to meet her new friend’s compelling gaze. It was Shauna turn to flush hotly as comprehension dawned.
“
Oh God, you poor thing!”
For the next hour Xzan was educated in the ways of a man and a woman. Shauna spared no detail no matter how lurid or disconcerting it might be. Xzan was stupefied, humiliated and then outraged. Shauna in turn was appalled as she heard the truth behind the younger woman’s marriage. Xzan appeared still visibly shaken at dinner later that evening. She would really have been devastated if she had known that Shauna had confided in her husband. He was extremely courteous to the young widow reinforcing he hoped as did his wife that all men were not perverted or sadistic.
Despite her new found knowledge Xzan still wasn’t the least bit interested in any of the young men who flirted with her. Jason grew bored by her rejection after a few weeks and set his attentions on Miss Felicity Stone who was also becoming one of Xzan’s confidantes. The vivacious blond was well versed in the art of trifling, seemed to know exactly when to back off before things got out of hand.
The real reason she had agreed to move to New York was one Mr. Edwin O’Brien. Unfortunately the gentleman was older. A partner in her father’s business. He couldn’t get over remembering Felicity in pigtails. At nineteen the voluptuous blond was determined to win the reluctant man’s heart. Armed with the latest Parisian artillery, gowns, perfumes and having practiced her seduction on willing victims, she was ready to be taken very seriously. Unfortunately she had broken a long string of hearts along the way one of which belonged to Shauna’s son. Observing one such censure and Jason’s apparent frustration Sean who had also witnessed the incident surprised her with his keen perception.
“
She collects hearts like some women buy hats.”
Xzan turned interestedly smiling at the boy. He hardly ever spoke unless directly addressed. One got the impression he was always thinking. She was curious to know what was inside. To hear the words aloud. Sean sat down at her table staring out at the magnificence of the azure sea. “Makes you feel insignificant doesn’t it?”
She nodded enjoying the salty sea spray running slender fingers like a comb through her thick mane. Propping her dainty chin up on elbows she relaxed daydreaming as she gazed into the ocean.
“
I wouldn’t mistreat you if you were my lady.” He announced with aplomb.
Xzan’s arms slipped off the table. She stared at him incredulously. Hazel eyes held her’s unwavering. Flustered she lowered hers first. Surely he was too young to have those kinds of thoughts or feelings? She didn’t want to crush his heart or to encourage him. Softly, distinctly she countered.
“
I’m sure you’ll make some lucky woman a wonderful husband when you’re grown.”
Once again he held her mesmerized with his speckled eyes.
“
I will be a good husband to you.”
Before she could protest or point out their age difference he grinned teasingly breaking eye contact. She wasn’t sure whether to laugh or run. In time Sean Fenierre would be a man to be reckoned with. Implacable about anything he set his mind to. For now he was just a boy in a man-sized body testing his manhood. She would ignore it. In a sweet way he had paid her a high compliment. She had to be conscientious not to wound his ego.
The days aboard ship weren’t as bad as she first suspected. A lot of the passengers disagreed with her. They were bored, felt trapped like prisoners on board. But she had been set free from her prison no longer having to live in fear or seclusion. She was making true friends and it was heaven to have others to talk to and to have their input on a world of topics.
Gradually everyone had gotten their sea legs and were venturing in to the sunshine. It was still warm but getting cool enough in the evenings to need more covers on her bed and a shawl around her shoulders on deck. She enjoyed the company of the her shipmates tremendously but also found herself relieved to have the solitude of her cabin when the day was done.
Since her talk with Shauna Xzan had begun to heal and to rediscover her own self-esteem. Her hatred for her dead husband grew as time passed instead of diminishing. She was revolted when she understood how vilely he used her and the role that Jonathan had played in both their lives. Friend. Ha! It was despicable. They were Lovers! No wonder Brett had treated her like a disease. To him she had been. Jonathan had been inconsolable when he found out about Brett’s death. He’d lost his mate. She felt like throwing up every time she realized how naïve she had been. Still felt sullied. Like part of her was missing that could never be replaced. It was a good thing he was dead. If she’d known then what she knew now, she might have been tempted to kill him herself.
*****
They only had a few more weeks on the trail. Winter was setting in earlier than they’d expected. The snow had made it difficult to travel with more set backs than they had planned on. Sam’s wagon wheel had broken and took most of a day to repair. Mrs. Greenly died in her sleep. Not a real surprise to anyone who knew how old and feeble she was to begin with. Her son had taken her death hard. Had to be forced to bury the body. He had protested it was cold enough to keep the rest of the journey determined to bury her on his homestead. Overwrought with grief screaming obscenities at those who forced him to dispose of her decaying body he was warned. Either join the wagon train immediately or be left behind to fend for himself.
Several of the settlers had come down with fevers. Lorena had been sniffling for the past few days. Xzan was worried that she might succumb to it being exposed on top of it all to the biting cold. She encouraged Shauna to keep the child bundled up in the wagon but the little girl insisted on riding beside her mother on the buckboard. Shauna who had always spoiled the child and who was from hearty stock, rarely got ill, couldn’t refuse even when Lorena became flushed and began coughing up green mucus.
“
It’s just a cold. She’ll be alright.” Shauna replied unconcerned. “No one in our family has ever been seriously ill.”
Xzan quit arguing. It was one of the few times she had disagreed with her friend. Lorena was Shauna’s child. When she grew distressed enough to do something about the situation she would. Until then no matter how much she cared for the child there was nothing Xzan could do to remedy the situation.
They had been walking for most of the day. Everyone that wasn’t forced to ride lightened the load of the wagons. Sean had fallen into step with Xzan. She was too winded to converse. She had been alone so long it felt strange to have people around all the time. Used to total privacy she had none at all now. She’d be so glad when they reached their destination and she could obtain a healthy balance of both. Up ahead one of the wagons stopped. The wagon train grumbled resentfully. They’d freeze to death if they didn’t reach Sweetbriar soon. They were already off schedule by three day.
A woman screamed shrilly. Xzan and Shauna glanced at each other knowingly. It didn’t take a genius to figure out it was Mrs. Cavendar. She’d been due for several weeks. It was a wonder she had come this far in her condition. Barely seventeen the pampered blonde and her boyish husband were headed west hoping to build a home that would be a legacy for their children. Neither had ever stepped foot on a farm. They had no idea in the least on how to survive in the wilderness. They had read books and been intrigued by the opportunities. Lured by the romantic ideals. Foolishly they had used all their money for this trip.