Authors: Darlene Purcell
The only joy she found was in the parlor on the rare occasions Brett was gone and her duties were done for the day. There on a piano similar to the one she’d grown up with she played her heart out losing herself in the music. When she was at peace she’d sit in front of the hearth rocking with her only companion purring contentedly in her lap.
Amazingly enough her cold-hearted husband was the one that had adopted the furry orange straggler. He had named it ‘Puddin Head”. While he might be lax in showing his wife philia he lavished it generously upon the feline. The scrawny orphan had shown up starved and abused on the porch steps the first week of their marriage. Brett didn’t even seem to mind letting Xzan share that love. He took pleasure in the gentle way she stroked the animal seeming pleased that she spoiled it as much as he did. It was in fact his way with the creature that convinced her Brett would be a doting father and made the idea of having children with him bearable, despite his obvious distaste for his wife.
Brett spent two or three nights a week at his club frequently bringing home his best friend Jonathan Lyle afterward The men closed themselves in the library talking, laughing often drinking themselves into a stupor. Xzan was grateful on those nights to have a reprieve from her husband’s demands. She was free to read a book, work on her sewing, or simply go to sleep escaping into her dreams. Enervated she was relieved to have that time alone no matter how lonely it might be.
She had always been fair but now from the strained confinement indoors her complexion gave the illusion of almost being bloodless. She’d lost so much weight she was emaciated. Her cheekbones were more prominent. Her eyes were enormous tormented pools. She looked ghastly. Her husband never noticed but one night his friend did. Brett scrutinized his wife drunkenly slurring his words.
“
It’s that wretched yellow dress. You need some new clothes Madam. Jonathan what about a trip to the city next week? I need to see my banker anyway. We could go to the opera, do some shopping.”
Hope, a joyful leap, sprang to her heart. Only be to be dashed when the plump blond-headed man waved his pale fleshy hand diffidently.
“
Oh Brett you know how I hate the hubbub of the city. Just order her some things from the catalog. Take her out riding or something. Besides don’t you remember our hunting party next week?”
Brett smirked at his tiny wife sardonically. It was then she knew that he had been cruelly toying with her. Building up her expectations to let her come crashing down. In that moment she hated him with all her being. Saw him for the selfish manipulative villain he truly was. Simultaneously was born the strength to fight back. She resolved to stop being his chattel by refusing his intimate advances. It lasted two days.
Brett beat her for her insolence until her eyes were swollen shut. Battered she tried bathing in a tub of hot water it had taken her a pain-racked hour to tote upstairs. He strode into her room dunking her repeatedly until she begged for mercy sputtering up water that agonizingly burned her nose and throat.
“
Get dressed whore… your puny body disgusts me!’ He scorned, repelled by her nudity.
He left her room undoubtedly thinking he had won. Awaited her in the library. To his fury an hour passed with no sign of her meek compliance to his commands. He returned to her room to discover the heavy oak door was barred from the inside. Bellowing profanities Brett raged splintering the wooden frame unable to get in. Xzan cowered in the small alcove adjoining her room. Holding her breath she prayed that he wouldn’t be able to get past the two blocked portals.
“
You can’t hide in there forever. If you don’t open this God-damned door right now, I’ll kill you!” he screamed impotently.
Xzan knew he would hurt her regardless of whether she opened the door now or later. Prayed that he’d exhaust himself and the liquor he had consumed in mass quantity would render him unconscious soon. Her only hope out of this nightmare was to escape from this house forever. Brett relented in the early hours of the morning. She heard vague footsteps retreating down the hallway. An hour later she crept painstakingly from her sanctuary listening intently for any sound that might herald his presence.
Heart hammering in dread she limped downstairs the creaking and groaning of each steps seeming to thunder like pounding drums announcing her flight. Almost to the front door she ran heedless of the pain that tore through her lower limbs elated to be so close to freedom. She swung the massive postern open ready to flee when she heard a triumphant sneer behind her. Screaming with pent up terror she covered her face with her arms trying to ward off his powerful blows. His eyes were malevolent black coals burning into her flesh devouring her soul.
“
So you thought you could run away from me.” he snickered softly. “I warned you to never disobey me”.
Grabbing her dark hair he yanked her head back painfully dragging her as she fell to her knees shrieking in horror across the tiled floor. Pulling her up the stairs he banged her fragile head on each step. Then descended repeating the procedure. At the foot of the stairs he raved like a lunatic cursing and launching her up the stairs one more time. At the top he released her. Swiftly with one well-aimed cuff to her middle he heaved her backwards down the stairs.
Her piercing cries echoed to the bottom as she plummeted down bouncing agonizingly on several of the steps. She lay in a bloodied heap barely respiring. He tread downward menacingly handsome features distorted by a heinous leer. She was too battered to protest as he raised her broken body from the floor and threw her against the wall shaking the portraits hanging above her head with the brutal impact. She lay crumpled. Helpless at his feet. For good measure he kicked her in the ribs. Xzan emitted a low moan from feeble lips. She stared at him through glazed eyes. His voice came from seemingly far away.
“
Don’t ever defy me again, you stupid bitch! I’ll kill you the next time. Don’t even think about leaving. You’re my property. It’s the law! Your father would side with me. You will obey me. Have my breakfast prepared by noon. Be ready to service me after I eat.”
He maniacal laughter seeped in to her awareness as he strode into the library slamming the door victoriously. She couldn’t rise. So she crawled. Blood foaming salty in her mouth. Retching she left a red stream trailing behind her as she pulled herself agonizingly up one stair at a time. Her progress was slow. When she finally reached her room and caught her reflection in the floor length mirror she grimaced. Distorted by bruises and caked blood her features looked grotesque. She idly wondered if she would be scarred for life. It didn’t really matter. No one would ever look at her anyway. Even her own family didn’t care to come visit her.
Too wounded to move another inch she collapsed there. There was no way she could do as he commanded. She lay waiting for him to come and finish her off too injured to care anymore. Miraculously Jonathan arrived. Brett departed within the hour. The older man’s mother had expired during the night. Overwrought with grief Jonathan had begged her husband to accompany him to his childhood home to bury her and see to the reading of the will.
“
Don’t try to leave while I’m gone.” Brett warned her. “I’ll track you down and when I find you this will seems like a love tap in comparison to what I’ll do to you then.”
*****
She searched for him desperately. The flowers had all died. It was cold. Snow covered the ground. Unable to walk she crept grievously on her hands and knees unaware of the winter chill. Tears streamed unchecked down swollen cheeks. She couldn’t see her eyes were so turgid with abuse.
“
Where are you? she cried faintly.
Unable to go on she lay in a snow bank shivering with anguish. She was dying. No one knew or cared. Since she’s become Mrs. Brett Colby she was no one. Nothing.
Then she felt him. Blindly she nuzzled closer as his arms enfolded her protectively. Safe, cocooned by the warmth of his body, she sighed in relief. Allowed herself to drift. When she died she wouldn’t be alone now.
*****
They were gone a fortnight. With the resiliency of youth her injuries healed except for the yellowish blotches left by lingering bruises. Brett returned to an immaculate home and a delicious hot meal. Xzan came to him submissively pleasuring him until he fell asleep in front of the fire in the library. Resigned to her fate life became a blur of repetition. Working herself into a stupor Xzan fell asleep each night too tired to think or care. Finding serenity only in her dreams.
Her childhood companion had a mate and envisioning the couple, observing their intimate relationship, Xzan no longer tried to communicate with them. She had learned their odd customs, their language, but she was content to sit at a distance amid the newly blooming wild flowers simply basking in the healing rays of the sunshine, savoring her freedom.
The man she had watched grow from a young boy who had rejected her for years except in moments of crisis began to come alone periodically and sit beside her. He joined her mutely puzzled by her lack of emotion. Aware of the death of her spirit.
He couldn’t see the marks on her body. He could only feel her desperate need to escape. When the woman was with him, she never seemed to be aware of Xzan’s presence. She treated her lover like they were totally alone often doing things that weren’t decent in front of an audience.
Xzan no longer watched in fascination instead turning her head away. He searched trying to fathom what had made her change from the inquisitive child into this apathetic woman. Her dreams always ended the same. He would watch her walk away never trying to follow her in to her own world.
*****
Brett browbeat her constantly. Told her how dimwitted, homely, repugnant she was. Her barrenness humiliated him.
“
Even mongrel bitches can breed! Your mother had nine children. What the hell is the matter with you?!”
*****
She was cleaning the kitchen ill from the heat when Brett’s baritone startled her. Oh God! Not again! He’d called her twice today already. He’d been up all night with Jonathan but apparently they had gotten into some kind of argument. Brett had continued drinking after his friend had departed in a huff.
Xzan bruised her thigh painfully on the table in the hallway rushing to answer his summons. The green velvet curtains were drawn. She stood meekly head bent down subserviently awaiting his dictum but none came. She ventured a peek. Expelled a sigh of relief when she saw he had passed out. Careful not to wake him Xzan took the cigar from between his slack lips placing it in the spittoon next to his chair. With any luck he would sleep through the rest of the day. Her hopes were answered he didn’t rouse at all. She crept to her bed early so weary she fell almost instantly asleep.
Some nameless, faceless monster was poking her with an unwieldy saber. She wailed in agony. It strangled her telling her to shut up. Then the thing stuck the sharp point right into her most private parts. Xzan fought to get loose gasping for air. Suddenly it wasn’t a nightmare anymore. It was real. She smelled the liquor on his breath. Brett was hurting her in the foulest way imaginable putting his member inside her body ripping her apart.
It was over in a few minutes. He sounded like he was retching. Slid out of her bed leaving her there to bleed to death alone. She lay devoid of all feeling until dawn. Incapable of rationalizing this evil violation. Disbelieving it could really have happened. She prayed to God for a swift death to end to the torture. Brett never hurt her again that way. He seemed disgusted not only with her but himself. He sat in the dark crying and drinking for days until one morning he left and when he returned he and Jonathan had become friends again.
*****
She woke up queasy for the fifth day in a row. Her menses hadn’t appeared this month and she felt sleepy all the time. Xzan knew without being told that what ailed her was more than a soured stomach. She’s been around Mama too long to miss the symptoms of fecundity in herself. Xzan was elated. She had finally conceived. The thought of having a baby was exciting and terrifying all at once. She’d seen how her mother suffered through each of her pregnancies. Knew it was painful and uncomfortable.
The reality of having a son or daughter to love and to be loved by was overwhelming. Finally to hear the laughter that had echoed in her family’s home reverberating through this mausoleum made her heart dance with happiness. She couldn’t wait to tell Brett. To see the long awaited approval on his face. That is when he allowed her to speak to him. He barked out orders. Never asked her opinion on anything. She would have to find a way to get his permission to tell him her news.
She was so grateful for Puddin Head. Xzan would have forgotten entirely how to speak if it hadn’t been for her fluffy friend. She found herself chattering incessantly to it like it was a real person. It responded in it’s own way purring contentedly or meowing while cocking it’s head back to peer at her with intelligent green eyes. More and more as she was forced in to a solitary existence she found herself tuning in to the animals around her. She whistled at the birds throwing breadcrumbs out the back door to them each morning. They warbled in acceptance chirped loudly when she was late. The squirrel she’d never seen but heard, rolling some of his stash of acorns across her ceiling in the spring and out again in the winter remained elusive. Xzan had climbed up into the attic. Hoping to catch a glimpse of the spry little animal. But to no avail. He remained a mysterious noise that haunted her familiarly every morning as she rose.